663 comments

Funny Thriller

All you had wanted to do for Halloween was just stay home the entire night and watch a movie or fall asleep. You never even liked the holiday, you hated dressing up for it as well.

Some friends of yours would always tell you, "Come on Vayd it'll be fun!" Though it never seemed like it would be fun.

You were just planning on watching a comedy and eating some peanut butter at three in the morning, though a while before ten at night your mother came into your room. "You are going to babysit your cousin."

She didn't even explain further or which cousin you were supposed to babysit, she just got into her car and left you alone. "bye-bye kiddo!" she called out.

You had decided to watch "Aladdin" until the cousin would arrive at the house. It couldn't possibly be one of your older cousins though, why would you need to watch them? They'd be the one babysitting YOU.

There were then a few loud knocks at the door and you also managed to hear the door-bell bell go off a couple of times. It seemed like the cousin was there. "Just as I was getting to the best part," you mumbled.

Little cousins or siblings didn't always want to go trick-or-treating, you thought that maybe the kid would just want to watch a movie or sleep. That would make your job much easier, don't you think so?

There was still the mystery of which cousin you were going to babysit though, there were a lot of little cousins that you've met. Or maybe it was going to be a cousin you never met at a family reunion.

Maybe if the kid liked movies rather than doing anything with Halloween, you could both watch Aladdin together. "maybe I could tell them some of my jokes.." Oh, well I guess that's fine as well, maybe the kid will like them.

"Hey, let me in its cold out here!" A young male voice seemed to say on the other side of the door. Well, it seems like it was a boy. Though that didn't even help at the moment, you had a lot of cousins and really anyone in the family that were dudes. Barely any girls.

Finally, you decided to open up the door and let the child in, you didn't want them to freeze out there. The young cousin seemed to be around the age of nine, he seemed excited about something.

The young boy was wearing a Halloween costume that was...pasta? That was quite a strange choice for a Halloween costume (But he was a kid after all) so you didn't want to question it that much. The pasta was probably this kid's favorite food.

"Hi there...who are you?"

In your entire life, this kid had never to a family reunion or anything of the sorts. Someone would have at least mentioned something about him, right? Well, apparently not.

"My name is Rayhan."

The kid- Rayhan apparently, didn't seem to be focused on you, it seemed like he was staring off at something else. Though there was nothing in the area that he was staring at. Creepy.

"Why are kids always like this..?" This was always pretty weird and creepy, you had babysat a few other kids over the years who acted the same way. It didn't even help that it was Halloween while Rayhan was acting like this.

"Alright, Rayhan, why don't we go and watch a movie, and then we can-" the kid didn't seem to like that suggestion. He grabbed your hand as tightly as he could make it and stared at you, it looked like a death glare.

"We.Want.To.Go.Trick.Or.Treating." this small child seemed like he was going to snap or something, it also sounded like he was trying to sound as angry and mean as he could, all for going trick-or-treating? Though that wasn't what worried you the most about you're weird cousin.

"We? who else is here?" You asked a bit confused, though it probably wasn't much to worry about. Your other cousins that you've babysat (but thankfully weren't as strange) had mentioned a few times of an 'imaginary friend'.

So, you thought if it was possible that your little cousin had an imaginary friend. It wasn't a bad thing, you just kind of thought it was pretty weird how little kids will make this stuff up. You never had one before, you were happy about that.

"Come on, why don't you just listen to one of my jokes? I know a lot dad-" Rayhan was somehow able to forcefully drag you out of the house and outside. Damn, that was a strong nine-year-old.

"The heck is going on..??"

As the two of you got outside of the house, a loud slam was heard from behind. You had turned around just in time to see the door getting slammed close and then a figure near it.

It almost looked like a shadow and it seemed to be around the size and age of Rayhan. "So...um...what do you want to get while trick-or-treating." Maybe if you changed the subject and didn't mention it, nothing would happen.

"Pasta puttanesca."

"That's not even a...you know what? fine"

This kid was still pretty weird and there was also that strange shadow figure that you saw a few minutes ago, could he command that thing? You weren't entirely sure about anything tonight, though you didn't want to find out.

The two of you had soon reached the first house which wasn't that far away, there was a large bowl of candy on the front porch. "Alright, just take a piece, I know it isn't what you wanted but just take it."

Rayhan only seemed to stare at you and not even move, his eyes weren't even blinking either. Once again, you were able to see the strange shadow again, it was next to the candy bowl and it was staring at you as well.

A child's laugh escaped from its lips- or what was assumed to be its lips and mouth as it then throws the candy bowl on the side-walk. The bowl seemed to smash in over a million tiny pieces as each candy lay on the side-walk and some even on the road.

You take hold of Rayhan's hand and began to speed-walk towards the next house, this wasn't something you were going to deal with. (how WERE you even going to deal with it?) "what was that thing??"

"My friend!"

There was still some children laughter from the other house, though luckily it was coming from actual children who were taking the candy.

You had hoped that the strange thing that had happened wouldn't happen again and it was only a one-time thing. Or maybe you were just imagining this stuff? Though you were wrong about it stopping...

At the next house, the exact same thing happened and Rayhan acted the same way. At the other houses though, the shadow thing would just steal some of the candy and seem to eat it...somehow.

You knew some other stuff had happened as well but..it was too strange to describe and everyone reading this would start to question some stuff in their life.

Eventually, the two of you got back to the house and you could see a car pulling up. It must have been his parents, who else would even come for this weird kid and his shadow friend?

He hadn't even gotten any candy during the whole night, the shadow thing that you decided to call "Ray" (because Rayhan never told you it's actual name) kept throwing the candy away or eating it.

"Bye, this was a fun time!" Rayhan gave you a hug and then he ran into the car. You could have sworn that Ray followed him in there, that was probably the truth as well.

"bye...I'm never gonna do this again.."

I'm very sorry if this was just way worse than my regular ones, this is actually my first time writing a story in 2nd person. If you couldn't tell already, this was a story for Vayd Danish and Rayhan Hidayat :)

October 26, 2020 22:29

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663 comments

Laiba M
17:23 Oct 27, 2020

Hi, Hope~ I finally caved in and wrote a 3rd person bio >_< Read it and let me know what you think! I feel like I overshared, it's my first time, lol~~

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B. W.
17:30 Oct 27, 2020

I just read it and i think ya did a great job with it :)

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Laiba M
17:31 Oct 27, 2020

Really? Thanks! Any advice, do you think I should add or take away anything? I'm not sure why I'm so worried about it, but I usually read bios before stories so I assume at least a few others do the same~

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B. W.
17:33 Oct 27, 2020

Yeah, you did a good job with it ^^ I've also been deciding if I should do a 3rd person bio or keep it the way it is

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Laiba M
17:33 Oct 27, 2020

Hmm, I like your bio as it is, but I think it'd be cool if you tried out a 3rd person! I want to see how you'd write it, haha~ up to you though!

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B. W.
17:35 Oct 27, 2020

i dunno what i should do for it though :/

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01:17 Oct 27, 2020

Amazing! It's really hard to write 2nd-person, but you nailed it!!

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B. W.
01:23 Oct 27, 2020

thank you, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did ya maybe have a favorite part or something?

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01:27 Oct 27, 2020

All the creepy parts, like when the shadow moved, his blank stares and such

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B. W.
01:28 Oct 27, 2020

do ya think there should be another part or just be a stand-alone?

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01:40 Oct 27, 2020

I think it would be best as a standalone, since it's a creepy story. I think it would be best with loose ends not tied, but it's your call!!

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B. W.
01:41 Oct 27, 2020

Hm, alright ^^

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Kate Ulrich
00:54 Oct 27, 2020

Great story! I liked the use of second person. My favorite character was probably Rayhan and my favorite part is when the narrator sees Ray with the candy.

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B. W.
01:08 Oct 27, 2020

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ would you ever wanna see another story like this? like in second person and all that.

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Kate Ulrich
11:33 Oct 27, 2020

That would be cool. :)

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B. W.
16:59 Oct 27, 2020

i guess it would be ^^

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Rayhan Hidayat
05:43 Oct 27, 2020

AW YESSSS

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Avani G
20:24 Nov 01, 2020

Here for the critique circle :) I noticed a few grammar mistakes along the way. I'm assuming this story has probably already been approved, so I won't even mention them. I would suggest you type the story onto a Google Doc to catch all the grammar mistakes. Self-editing and Gramarly also do wonders. Oh, and I would suggest putting the author's note in a comment, because judges like that better. I totally disagree with you on the second person part. I didn't find anything wrong with it, and it went nicely with the creepy theme of this s...

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B. W.
20:40 Nov 01, 2020

Critique circle? Ive seen a few others mention to me but I have no idea what it is :/ and if I'm supposed to give critique as well, it probably will be bad but I guess I could try. You'd wanna be my editor? Well thank you ^^ I've been trying to find an editor or just really...anything for my novella and the rest of them. Though thanks again, I'm glad ya liked the story :) I have been using Grammarly lately and this was one of the stories that I used it on.

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Avani G
20:42 Nov 01, 2020

The Critique Circle is when Reedsy emails you with stories to leave or give critique on (hence the name Critique Circle). It's optional, of course, but I like to do it because it often leads me to great, unknown writers. I'm glad that you've been using Gramarly! I use it, too, and it helps a lot. And as for the editing thing, take your time. There's no need to rush to publish the book.

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B. W.
20:45 Nov 01, 2020

I dunno how you could help me with the novella and the other ones though, I'm writing it on the reedsy book editor thing and I kinda tried to send a link or something for a friend to read it but it didn't seem to work. Besides a link I dunno how you can be able to help with all of it. Ive gone onto the market place as well to try and find someone but I keep getting nervous so I stop and just ask friends on here. Maybe for another story you could leave critique on is my very first story on here? i think that was the worst :/

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Avani G
20:47 Nov 01, 2020

If you need help with the Reedsy Book Editor thing, you could always go to the Help Section. I have an account on there, btw, so maybe try seeing if you can send it to me there? No rush, though. And yes, I will definitely leave feedback on your first story!

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B. W.
20:49 Nov 01, 2020

I'm nervous to even do the help section thing, what do I even ask them? and whats even your account on there? i was actually thinking that you could maybe help on another novel of mine that I'm just starting, because ill actually publish this one and the other one has just been for fun, I've been asking for an editor and stuff for the other one. and thanks ^^

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Suzi Zinn
02:31 Oct 30, 2020

Thank you for ready my story. Also went back and made some corrections after I sent it. Keep writing.

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B. W.
02:39 Oct 30, 2020

No problem ^^ maybe ya could check out some of my other stories and leave feedback?

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Amaya .
16:01 Oct 29, 2020

what kind of stuff do you want me to tell you for my character? My looks? Personality? Btw its so so so sweet that ur doing this

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B. W.
16:03 Oct 29, 2020

No prob ^^ well the characters personalities and looks for now :)

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Amaya .
16:14 Oct 29, 2020

okay looks- thick, mostly straight but kinda wavy black hair, chestnut brown skin, greenish-brownish eyes, long eyelashes personality- kind, has a very calm demeanor. Always looks calm, but her eyes usually give away what she's actually feeling (angry, hurt, excited, etc.). She's actually very sensitive, get's hurt easily. But if you hurt someone she loves or say something messed up she WILL argue and won't stay quiet. She likes complimenting people. She daydreams a lot, head-in-the-clouds type of girl. Again, looking very calm during ...

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B. W.
16:17 Oct 29, 2020

thats alright and this is really good ^^

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Amaya .
16:20 Oct 29, 2020

thanks!

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B. W.
16:26 Oct 29, 2020

no prob ^^

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Amaya .
16:15 Oct 29, 2020

if you need anything else about the character, you can just ask

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B. W.
16:18 Oct 29, 2020

do ya maybe want the character to live or possibly die?

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Amaya .
16:21 Oct 29, 2020

live, but she can die if it's really important to the plot

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B. W.
16:26 Oct 29, 2020

how would you want her to die?

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Sam W
23:27 Oct 28, 2020

A kid trick-or-treating for his poltergeist friend! This was creepy and sweet at the same time, which isn’t easy to pull off. It would have been nice to get an explanation of who the kid actually was, though. If he was her cousin, why hadn’t she seen him before?

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Sam W
23:29 Oct 28, 2020

*The MC haha. Self-inserting like a pro

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B. W.
23:52 Oct 28, 2020

The reason the MC had never seen his little cousin, was just a simple thing. The kids parents had never mentioned anything about the little cousin or anything like that and they were barely at stuff, the main character knew who the parents were though. Sorry if this might be a bit confusing though- and both the MC and the little cousin are dudes. did ya maybe have a favorite part?

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Sam W
00:11 Oct 29, 2020

The ending, definitely. Unresolved, and the creepy kid happily hugging the MC. Also the fact he was dressed like pasta

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B. W.
00:28 Oct 29, 2020

ya have any other thoughts of the ghost friend?

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Amaya .
22:59 Oct 27, 2020

what do you need help with?

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Orenda .
06:39 Oct 27, 2020

aye, mate, second person turned out really good for you, I must say. Well done!

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B. W.
06:41 Oct 27, 2020

Ya think so? i didnt think that second person was really that good in this story, but I'm glad ya thought so ^^

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Orenda .
06:47 Oct 27, 2020

no, I think you did really well, given it's your first time writing in second person.

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B. W.
06:49 Oct 27, 2020

did ya maybe have a favorite part with it? ^^

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Orenda .
06:51 Oct 27, 2020

emm, not really.

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B. W.
06:52 Oct 27, 2020

what did ya think about the weird shadow thing?

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Malz Castell
18:14 Nov 06, 2020

I really enjoyed this one. I loved how you wrote in 2nd person.

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B. W.
18:15 Nov 06, 2020

thanks ^^ did ya maybe have a favorite part?

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Malz Castell
14:15 Nov 13, 2020

I loved the 2nd person narration. I tried my hand at it in my new story "Lost in a World of Snow". I loved the beginning. It keeps you hooked. I do think that the ending could be more impactful, something that leaves a mark on the reader. I also felt that the MC could have expressed his emotions better.

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B. W.
17:21 Nov 13, 2020

I'm terrible at doing second person and this is why it sucks :/

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Malz Castell
17:36 Nov 13, 2020

I actually loved that it was in second person. You did a great job. Your story inspired me to try it too. :D

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B. W.
17:57 Nov 13, 2020

i did??

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Sia S
03:40 Nov 03, 2020

New thread!

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Amaya .
01:27 Nov 02, 2020

Hey, wanna chat? I need a distraction

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B. W.
01:27 Nov 02, 2020

yeah sure ^^ what do ya wanna talk about?

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Amaya .
01:28 Nov 02, 2020

um...can I vent? After you respond I will edit it to delete everything I said. K?

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B. W.
01:38 Nov 02, 2020

No problem, im always on here and stuff, sure you can vent ^^

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Amaya .
01:49 Nov 02, 2020

*my venting that is now edited to this*

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B. W.
01:53 Nov 02, 2020

uh- that's really strange. I dunno what to really say and I wanna say something about S but then that might cause some other stuff, probably :/ Maybe I could help you in some way or something? only if ya want though

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Amaya .
01:39 Nov 02, 2020

thx..okay here goes

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B. W.
01:43 Nov 02, 2020

No prob ^^

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Amaya .
01:33 Nov 02, 2020

B?

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Amaya .
01:28 Nov 02, 2020

also thanks for replying so fast

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Wolfy 🐺
19:56 Nov 01, 2020

Great job- It was really good and I loved the second person. My fav. part was probably the part where the kid comes in and pretty much takes control of the entire household. Spot on. I'll start to upvote more- to be honest, I didn't even know about it until recently. Great story!

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B. W.
20:03 Nov 01, 2020

thanks, im glad ya liked it ^^ what did ya think about the shadow thing?

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Wolfy 🐺
20:13 Nov 01, 2020

Creepy, but definitely awesome😊

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B. W.
20:37 Nov 01, 2020

you think that this should be a stand-alone story?

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Wolfy 🐺
21:37 Nov 01, 2020

That's up to you, personally I think it's perfect :)

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B. W.
21:43 Nov 01, 2020

ya do?

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Elizabeth Inkim
16:20 Nov 01, 2020

Great story! I loved the dialogue, I thought it flowed very well. How do you write your series like "Crossover: The traitor (part 5)" and "A strange place (part 1)" haven't started any of them yet but I was curious. Also, I wrote a sort of duelogogy. It starts with "A Rose By Any Other Name" and ends with "Dum Spiro, Spero", and I would love to know what you think. P.S. They're romances.

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B. W.
17:26 Nov 01, 2020

what do you mean by "havent started any of them yet" ? "Crossover: the traitor (part 5)" meant that it was part 5 to the regular series but there was ALSO part 1 in the name I'm pretty sure which meant that it was part 1 to the crossover as well. Though I have no idea what you mean for "a strange place (part 1)" :/

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Elizabeth Inkim
17:39 Nov 01, 2020

Oh I am sorry, I meant that I have both regular series in my TBR pile, I haven't found the time to binge read them in one sitting yet, but I will soon. My question was really how do you write the series? Like do you have an outline for the story you want to tell or do you let the prompts of the week decide? I was curious about your approach to writing the series. I hope I was more clear.

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B. W.
18:03 Nov 01, 2020

I just kinda get ideas for the part of it and then if a prompt is good enough I just kinda fit it into the thing and it works good. Like with another series the prompt said something about having the characters staying at a grave-yard, it sounded interesting so I just added them going to a grave-yard and continuing the story regularly or something.

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Elizabeth Inkim
18:29 Nov 01, 2020

Oh I see, you do that so well. I can’t wait to read them, most likely over the holidays; but I’ll get to it.

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B. W.
18:29 Nov 01, 2020

thanks

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18:34 Oct 31, 2020

Hiiii

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B. W.
18:58 Oct 31, 2020

how are ya?

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22:30 Oct 31, 2020

Great! Are you going to change your name since it's not Halloween anymore??

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B. W.
22:41 Oct 31, 2020

Just changed it back ^^ and i could use some help

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18:34 Oct 31, 2020

Happy Halloween!

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Shae Greyfeather
14:17 Oct 31, 2020

Who here is doing nanowrimo?

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B. W.
16:49 Oct 31, 2020

i kinda am

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Shae Greyfeather
17:45 Oct 31, 2020

I am too! I wish you luck

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Shae Greyfeather
14:16 Oct 31, 2020

Was that even his cousin?

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B. W.
16:49 Oct 31, 2020

The little boy/Rayhan was his little cousin, the shadow thing/Ray was just a friend of the little cousins

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Shae Greyfeather
17:44 Oct 31, 2020

Ok, I was thinking that he was babysitting a demon. Thanks for clearing it up

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B. W.
17:46 Oct 31, 2020

No prob

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06:48 Oct 31, 2020

Unique, I gotta say.

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B. W.
06:49 Oct 31, 2020

thanks ^^ did ya maybe have a favorite part or something?

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06:51 Oct 31, 2020

When you first reveal the shadow or whatever that thing was. I was a bit creeped out.

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B. W.
07:00 Oct 31, 2020

good, i was hoping for that ^^

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02:01 Oct 31, 2020

Woah! What! 3rd place! Wow, you climbed so fast! Lol, now you’re right behind me 😂 I wonder how long until I’m bumped down the leaderboard...lol. CONGRATS

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B. W.
02:22 Oct 31, 2020

thank you ^^ It's probably gonna be a few months, I don't think ill get into 2nd place that easy, you'll be there for a long time :)

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Amaya .
01:04 Oct 31, 2020

I'm ready to help you now :)

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B. W.
01:04 Oct 31, 2020

ya are??

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Amaya .
01:04 Oct 31, 2020

yep....will 10 mins be enough?

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B. W.
01:05 Oct 31, 2020

is that how long ya have?

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Amaya .
01:05 Oct 31, 2020

yeah...that's good right?

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B. W.
01:06 Oct 31, 2020

I guess so. so ya know my demi-god novel and the characters, right?

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