Adventure Fiction Fantasy

๐‡๐ž๐ฅ๐ฅ๐จ ๐ž๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ๐ฒ๐จ๐ง๐ž! ๐“๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ญ๐ก ๐ฌ๐ญ๐จ๐ซ๐ฒ ๐ข๐ง ๐‘๐ž๐ž๐๐ฌ๐ฒ! ๐ˆ ๐š๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ž๐ซ ๐ž๐ฑ๐œ๐ข๐ญ๐ž๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฌ๐ก๐š๐ซ๐ž ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐จ๐ซ๐ฒ ๐›๐ž๐œ๐š๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ž ๐ข๐ญ ๐ข๐ง๐œ๐ฅ๐ฎ๐๐ž๐ฌ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ž ๐š๐ฐ๐ž๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ž ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐Ÿ๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ ๐‘๐ž๐ž๐๐ฌ๐ฒ! ๐“๐ก๐š๐ง๐ค ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐จ ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐œ๐ก ๐Ÿ๐จ๐ซ ๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ซ๐ญ ๐š๐ง๐ ๐ฆ๐จ๐ญ๐ข๐ฏ๐š๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐ญ๐จ ๐ก๐ž๐ฅ๐ฉ ๐ฆ๐ž ๐ ๐ซ๐จ๐ฐ ๐š๐ง๐ ๐ฅ๐ž๐š๐ซ๐ง! ๐ˆ ๐ซ๐ž๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐š๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ซ๐ž๐œ๐ข๐š๐ญ๐ž ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ! โค๏ธ


I will hunt you down...I wonโ€™t let you live. 

I will make sure that you die. 

Beware, Devaki, BEWARE! 

โ€œHey, whatโ€™s wrong Devaki?โ€ asked Laiba. 

โ€œOh...nothing, Laiba, call Rachel and Isaac for a second.โ€ she told Laiba. 

โ€œOk,โ€ 

You think that you and your puny friends will be able to defeat me?  

Ha!  

In your dreams, Devaki!  

โ€œWhatโ€™s up, Devaki?โ€ asked Isaac.  

Devaki saw Rachel right behind him. 

โ€œI want to tell you something. I feel as if, Avnee...she...I donโ€™t feel good. What have I ever done to her? Why wonโ€™t she leave me alone? We even agreed to part our own ways!โ€  

โ€œCalm down, Devaki.โ€ consoled Rachel. โ€œIsaac and I have the field crew ready. Laiba is really improving her archery skills. Nainika has gotten good at the spy work. Of course, Valerie is teaching them how to do all of this. Plus, everyone has been doing excellent in their training lessons.โ€ 

โ€œBut still, I donโ€™t fear that Avnee will hurt me, but I am afraid she will hurt you all.โ€ Devaki was upset. 

โ€œNo need to, Devaki. Trust us, we have got the crew ready. If she ever strikes, we will all make sure that we are two steps ahead of them.โ€ Isaac said to Devaki. 

โ€œYouโ€™re right, Isaac, I trust my crew.โ€ 

โœฆโœฆโœฆ 

โ€œKamryn! Are you done yet?โ€ hollered Sapphire. 

โ€œIt isnโ€™t as easy as you think it is Saph!โ€ she hollered back. 

โ€œGIRLS! Devaki must be ahead of us! What have you two been doing? Oh, let me guess, fooling around like toddlers?! I told you, Devaki has an emotional side...our parents. Well, โ€œherโ€ parents, since mom and dad left me in the orphanage to rot.โ€ Avnee got angry at the two. 

โ€œI am really sorry, Devaki. Luna, Leroy, and Katya have reported to us that they are done with the chip. Actually, I am pretty sure that Devaki has been getting all these messages. Our transmitter has been showing us the data for when they reached her camp.โ€ said Sapphire. 

โ€œGood work, Saph,โ€ 

Kamryn wasnโ€™t looking so happy after Anveeโ€™s words. 

Smirking at Kamryn, Sapphire thanked Avnee and giggled back to her work. 

โ€œI will make sure that Devakiโ€™s life is ruined. She has gotten all the love and compassion from everyone, and what have I got? Nothing, well, other than these sidekicks. My childhood has been ruined by you, and to get even, I will ruin your life and your sidekicks. Then, youโ€™ll finally understand all the pain and sufferings...โ€ Avnee chucked maniacally. 

... 

โ€œAvnee, I have good news for you!โ€ Luna had come in. 

โ€œWhat is it?โ€ 

โ€œThis chip can be the solution. We are sure to win. It will make sure to demotivate her as much as you can, though it wonโ€™t work if the others wear it. Since Devaki is really nice...โ€ Luna noticed Avnee giving a disgust look at her, โ€œ...in a bad way, of course, so she will make sure that she suffers from this chip. The longer she wears it, the more it will poison and weaken her body.โ€ 

โ€œYou know, Luna, this is why I assigned you the team caption of Katya and Leroy! Those fools who ran away are probably realizing mistake by now.โ€ 

She will pay for this... 

โœฆโœฆโœฆ 

โ€œAre you sure that theyโ€™ll let us in?โ€ asked Lillian. 

โ€œWell, we did run away from Avnee and the rest for a reason.โ€ replied Sarah. 

โ€œBut how are you so sure that they will trust us to fight alongside them and help Devaki and the crew?โ€ questioned Tiffany. 

โ€œLook, guys, I suggest that we stop worrying about all of this. I think we should just explain their rotten plan. Letโ€™s just be calm and enter. From there, we shall see how they behave towards us.โ€ Ellie replied. 

Suddenly, they saw Valerie open the door. She wanted to go to her training lesson, but of course, didnโ€™t expect visitorsโ€”especially them. 

โ€œISAAC! LAIBA! DEVAKI! NAINIKA! RACHEL! GUARDS UP! INTRUDERS HAVE ARRIVED! COME ON!โ€ she took out her sword and began fencing with them. 

โ€œNo, no! Look, we came for peace! We donโ€™t want to fight you! Please, trust us! Let us in!โ€ the four begged, but Valerie didnโ€™t even bother listening to them. 

Just then, Devaki arrived. 

โ€œSTOP!โ€ she ordered Valerie. โ€œWhy did you all come here? If Avnee wants anything, then she shouldnโ€™t send her minions here. โ€ 

โ€œNo, we ran away from her base camp,โ€ explained Sarah. 

โ€œSo, you expect us to listen to whatever you say? We want proof.โ€ 

โ€œI told you! This will never work!โ€ Lillian groaned. 

โ€œOk, you want proof? Well, have you been lately receiving negative messages, Devaki?โ€ 

โ€œY-yes, wh-why? Avnee did this! I knew she did!โ€ 

โ€œWell, the others have bugged you. You might be feeling weak right now, and that is because this piece of technology has venom in it, and if you wear this continuously for a week...well, you might not survive. Avnee is planning on war, revenge for her childhood. For what your parents did to her. Be cautious, because this piece will not impact any of us, except you and Avnee.โ€ 

โ€œWhy?โ€ Devaki croaked in fear and shock. She was hearing too many things and couldnโ€™t process all of this. 

โ€œBecause you two have the same blood. Are both sisters...โ€ explained Ellie. 

โ€œWe are saying that we should rebel against Avneeโ€™s crew. Once we corner them, we can insert the chip inside her, and she will go down.โ€  

โ€œNo. I wonโ€™t hurt her, I cannot! Sheโ€™s my sister.โ€ 

โ€œBut does she ever show that love towards you Devaki?โ€ Rachel asked her. 

โ€œShe doesnโ€™t need to love me, but I do. No matter what she does. We will go to the Rubicon Valley, and if needed, we will fight, but I cannot let you poison my sister. She is only doing this for revenge, but I am elder sister and your team leader. You four, what are your names?โ€ asked Devaki. 

โ€œMy name is Lillian. Her name is Ellie, the one over there is Sarah, and she is Tiffany.โ€ 

โ€œOk, Lillain, Ellie, Sarah, Tiffany, you are officially one of us.โ€ 

โ€œThank you!โ€ the four squealed with joy. 

โœฆโœฆโœฆ 

โ€œAvnee?โ€ Leroy called her. 

โ€œWhat do you want?โ€ she answered back, rather rudely, though, expected. 

โ€œCome here, we need to tell you something.โ€ 

โ€œOh no, did Katya do something wrong?โ€ 

โ€œNo! Of course not, itโ€™s just...well, none of us did anything wrong, itโ€™s just, they reached.โ€ 

โ€œWho?โ€ 

โ€œThe betrayers. This chip has a micro camera designated within it, and itโ€™s capturing all of this and sending it to our data files. We found this one.โ€ 

โ€ฆ 

โ€œThey told Devaki our plan!? NO! NO! I WILL NOT LET THEM WIN! THIS IS A BATTLE IN WHICH I DESERVE TO WIN! THEY CANNOT DO THIS TO ME! MARCH TO THE RUBICON VALLEY, AND BRING YOUR WEAPONS! WE WILL START THE FIGHT AND END IT, JUST LIKE HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.โ€ 

โ€œO-ok, Avnee, I willโ€”โ€ 

Suddenly, they heard a knock on their door. Katya rushed and curiously, opened the door.  

โ€œYour 4? Go and serve Devaki!โ€ yelled Katya and almost closed the door when Sky held it. 

โ€œNo, you have to listen. We never liked her in the first place. They didnโ€™t even notice that weโ€™re gone, because we snuck out of there. I am Sky, over there is Maya, Delta, and Mania.โ€ 

โ€œHmm, I bet Devaki sent you four here to spy on us! You know about the chip because of Lillian, Ellie, Sarah, and Tiffany, donโ€™t you?โ€ asked Katya. 

โ€œWell, yes. But we understand Avneeโ€™s pain and frustration about her terrible sister. They have a strong team with ferocious members. But with us on the team, oh, weโ€™ll assure you that you will win.โ€ they persuaded Katya. 

โ€œWhat is all of the commotion going on here, Katya?!โ€ questioned Avnee. 

โ€œThese people want to join us...they say that theyโ€™re not spies and can help us win. I say we recruit them, because we are in trouble. Devakiโ€™s team have a high chance of winning, and we will be in trouble. What do you say, Avnee?โ€ 

Just then, Luna came in. โ€œWhat are they doing here? Shouldnโ€™t they be fighting for that Devaki? Avnee, please tell them to leave. They donโ€™t know who theyโ€™re messing with. I bet those four told them all our plans. We already made a mistake joining them on our team, do you really want to do the same with these four?โ€ 

โ€œKatya is right. We are in need to win the war in Rubicon Valley. We need more people in field team. If these four are all that we have left, then we have no other choice. Donโ€™t you want me to stand taller than Devaki? Donโ€™t you want our team to rise?โ€ Devaki started speaking. 

โ€œYes,โ€ Luna mumbled quietly. 

โ€œThen consider this as an emergency recruitment you four. But donโ€™t let me down...if you do, the consequences are high. You might be seeing the world one last time if I ever catch you guys tricking us.โ€ 

โ€œUmm...y-yes, of course Avnee!โ€ the four spoke frightened. 

โ€œWell, let the war begin! Kamryn, Sapphire, quick! Shoot the gun, and we will start this fight.โ€ ordered Avnee. 

โ€œWeโ€™re on it Avnee!โ€ replied the two. 

BOOM! BOOM! 

โœฆโœฆโœฆ 

โ€œDid you hear that?โ€ asked Rachel. 

โ€œThat sound...oh no!โ€ Isaac was worried. 

โ€œQuick, Laiba, call Devaki!โ€ yelled Nainika. 

โ€œIโ€™m on it!" replied Laiba. 

โ€œIโ€™ll let the four new recruits know what weโ€™re headed for.โ€ Valerie said to the team. 

โ€œI...I hear it. Avnee came much sooner than I expected.โ€ 

โ€œYes, but no need to worry. I had already removed the chip from you right after, so it wonโ€™t affect you too much. But, just saying, I think you should rest here. Donโ€™t come to battle arena to fight, itโ€™s not safe for you yet.โ€ advised Sarah. 

โ€œIโ€™ll try, but itโ€™s hard to accept the fact that I should just stay here while all my friends go out there, including you, risking their lives for me. My sister doesnโ€™t deserve this. She should understand pain. But, at the same time, I love her. I donโ€™t know what to do, Sarah. If only you would understaโ€”โ€ 

Chills of glass burst out and inside their cabin. Many arrows had poked holes inside their place, destroying it.  

โ€œCOME ON FOOLISH SISTER! COME DEVAKI! COME! IF YOU REALLY ARE THAT BRAVE AS EVERYONE CLAIMS YOU ARE! COME AND FIGHT ME!โ€ Avnee yelled ferociously. 

โ€œDonโ€™t go Devaki! Sarah, Ellie, and I will go and fight. Tiffany will stay here with you!โ€ pleaded Lillian. 

โ€œNo. She is my sister, and I have to face her. This is not the quarrel in which you two should interfere in. This is our quarrel, and we should resolve it.โ€ commanded Devaki. 

โ€ฆ 

It had been some time, but Devaki trudged across the fields, and finally reached the Valley. She was already tired and was going to faint, but she held all in. 

โ€œAvnee, listen to me, I know about the chip, and yet I forgive you. Please, letโ€™s start over.โ€ 

โ€œNO! You, mom, and dad ruined my life! Made me rot in the orphanage! How could you all do that?!โ€ 

โ€œWe already discussed this, Avnee. We can stop fighting! Please, listen to me! We can have a new sisterhood again. I know it must hurt for you, knowing that I lived a better life, but I care about you! I wish you would listen to me! I love you! I really do, and if you are willing to start over, I would be more than ecstatic.โ€ Devaki tried to convince Avnee. 

โ€œIโ€”โ€ Avnee couldnโ€™t finish her sentence. She started sobbing, and soon threw away her weapons, and hugged her sister. And for the first time, she felt good. 

Devaki hugged back. 

โ€œI am so sorry, for all the I have done. I was just...jealous, mad that your childhood was better than mine. But now I understand what a fool I have been. I love you too, Devaki.โ€ 

โ€œMe too, Avnee.โ€ 

~The End~ 



Posted Feb 23, 2021
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96 likes 94 comments

Coco Longstaff
22:26 Feb 24, 2021

100 STORIES YAY GREAT JOB!

Reply

18:32 Feb 24, 2021

OH MY LANTAAAAAA

CONGRATS ON 100 YOU ARE SO FANTASTICCCCCC

I cannot believe I didnt read this earlier, but WOW THIS WAS SO GOOD LAILAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love the characters and how the sisters came together in the end! Sisterhood is the perfect title for this! You and Lone Wolf inspired me to write today lol THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME!!!!! I loved the battle and how you swithed POV's between good and ev- well- not so good.

CONGRATSS!!!

Reply

this is absolutely amazing!!! the two sides fighting throughout the entire story just fit perfectlyyyyy!!! Thanks for including me and congrats on 100 stories Laila!!!!:D<33

Reply

14:39 Feb 24, 2021

I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR 100th STORY! Sorry, I am late to the grand 100th, but it was still amazing. I loved every second of it. Also, how did you manage to fit like 30 characters in 1 short story?! My mind is blown. <33

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I love how you kept a solid control on this story, despite the abundance of characters. You really made it flow well and work, and that's pretty inspiring! Also, ONE HUNDRED???? HOW???? ARE YOU EVEN A PERSON???? HOW ARE YOU THAT CREATIVE????? THAT'S BEYOND WORDS!!!

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Claudia Morgan
08:37 Feb 24, 2021

WOOO! Ok so congrats for such an amazing story and hitting 100! And wow on fitting a 20 whole characters into a story without it being too confusing. This was so great, I love it. Thanks so, so, so much for including me (I love being evil >:D) Reedsy really is great isnโ€™t it?

Good luck for the rest of your Reedsy journey
-Ana :D ๐Ÿ’•

Reply

07:22 Feb 24, 2021

Congrats for 100 stories!๐Ÿ’
And the story is just woooooow! I love it Haripriya! :)

Reply

Radhika Diksha
05:54 Feb 24, 2021

Awesome story keep writing. I loved in-depth character plotline and everything. AMazing.

Reply

Writer Maniac
02:42 Feb 24, 2021

Congrats on your 100th story, and thank you so much for making me a part of this achievement! To 100 more!

Reply

Philip Clayberg
02:37 Feb 24, 2021

Wow, what a story. A little confusing sometimes, but well worth reading. I can understand how jealousy could tear apart two sisters. But, at the risk of sounding corny, love does have the power to solve problems that violence can't solve. Thank you for writing this story.

Editing comments follow (sorry if they're a little on the lengthy side):

โ€œHey, whatโ€™s wrong Devaki?โ€ [a comma is missing after "wrong"]

โ€œOh...nothing, Laiba, call Rachel and Isaac for a second.โ€ [This sounds like two sentences mashed together ... or maybe the second comma needs to be a semicolon instead? Even then, it sounds odd to me. Maybe change the second comma to a period and say: Contact Rachel and Isaac in a few seconds.]

We even agreed to part our own ways!โ€ [Maybe change "to part our own ways!" to "to go our separate ways!"]

how to do all of this. [maybe delete "of"? It doesn't seem needed to me, but maybe it does to you.]

โ€œBut still, I donโ€™t fear that Avnee will hurt me, but I am afraid she will hurt you all.โ€ [Maybe say instead: "I'm not afraid that Avnee will hurt me. However, I am afraid that she will hurt you all."]

โ€œNo need to, Devaki. Trust us, we have got the crew ready. If she ever strikes, we will all make sure that we are two steps ahead of them.โ€ Isaac said to Devaki. [First, you don't need to say "to Devaki" at the end. It's already clear that Isaac is speaking to Devaki. Second, maybe say: "No need to be afraid, Devaki," Isaac said. "Trust us -- we've got the crew ready. If she ever tries to attack, we will all make sure that we're two steps ahead of her." I chose "her" instead of "them", because it sounds like they're only referred to Laiba, not Laiba and someone else.]

โ€œYouโ€™re right, Isaac, I trust my crew.โ€ [Maybe change the comma to a period and then say: I will trust my crew.]

โ€œIt isnโ€™t as easy as you think it is Saph!โ€ she hollered back. [First, a comma is missing after "is". Second, I would change "she" to "Kamryn". Otherwise, it sounds like Sapphire is talking to herself.]

Avnee got angry at the two. [I would move this sentence to the beginning of the paragraph. It seems to fit better there. And maybe add "girls" after "two".]

โ€œI am really sorry, Devaki. Luna, Leroy, and Katya have reported to us [First, I would move "said Sapphire" to after "Devaki". Like this: "I am really sorry, Devaki," said Sapphire. "Luna, Leroy, and Katya have reported to us.]

โ€œGood work, Saph,โ€ [Is this Avnee speaking or Devaki? If it's Avnee, I would add: said Avnee. If it's Devaki, I would add: said Devaki. Otherwise, it isn't clear who's speaking here.]

Then, youโ€™ll finally understand all the pain and sufferings...โ€ Avnee chucked maniacally. [First, the comma isn't needed. Second, "chucked" should be "chuckled". Why? Because you chuck someone under the chin; a chuckle, however, is kind of like a laugh or a giggle.]

โ€œWhat is it?โ€ [for clarity, maybe add: said Avnee.]

giving a disgust look at her [I would say: looking at her with disgust]

I assigned you the team caption [I think you meant "captain", not "caption"]

the rest for a reason.โ€ replied Sarah. [the first period should be a comma]

Ellie replied. [This seems to belong at the beginning of the paragraph. Maybe move it there and change the period to a colon.]

she took out her sword [Since it's the start of a sentence, "she" should be changed to "She"]

โ€œNo, we ran away from her base camp,โ€ [I would either delete "No," and start with "We ran away", or say: "You don't understand. We ran away from her base camp." Whichever one works better.]

โ€œSo, you expect us to listen to whatever you say? We want proof.โ€ [Is Devaki talking here? It seems like it to me. For clarity, maybe change the period to a comma and add: said Devaki.]

โ€œOk, you want proof? Well, have you been lately receiving negative messages, Devaki?โ€ [Is this Sarah or Valerie speaking? I'm guessing it's Sarah, but I'm not sure.]

โ€œY-yes, wh-why? Avnee did this! I knew she did!โ€ [If this is Devaki speaking, for clarity, maybe add: said Devaki.]

โ€œWell, the others have bugged you. You might be feeling weak right now, and that is because this piece of technology has venom in it, and if you wear this continuously for a week...well, you might not survive. Avnee is planning on war, revenge for her childhood. For what your parents did to her. Be cautious, because this piece will not impact any of us, except you and Avnee.โ€ [Again, is this Sarah or Valerie speaking? I'm guessing it's Sarah.]

Are both sisters [Maybe say instead: She's your sister]

โ€œWe are saying that we should rebel against Avneeโ€™s crew. Once we corner them, we can insert the chip inside her, and she will go down.โ€ [Again, is this Sarah or Valerie or someone else speaking? It would help if you clarified who is speaking here.]

, rather rudely, though, expected. [I would change the first comma to a period, and then maybe say: Her response was rude, which didn't surprise him.]

โ€œYour 4? Go and serve Devaki!โ€ [I think you meant "You" instead of "Your"]

and almost closed the door when Sky held it. [I would add a period after "door", and then start a new paragraph with "But Sky held it open." and continue with what Sky said.]

they persuaded Katya. [Maybe say instead: What they said was enough to persuade Katya.]

Donโ€™t you want me to stand taller than Devaki? Donโ€™t you want our team to rise?โ€ Devaki started speaking. [This didn't make sense to me. Who is saying "taller than Devaki"? If it's Devaki, I would change "than Devaki?" to "than myself?" And if Devaki is the one who spoke during this paragraph, why say "started speaking"? Why not just say "said"?]

โ€œThen consider this as an emergency recruitment you four. [I would add a comma after "recruitment"]

You might be seeing the world one last time [Maybe say instead: This might be the last time you see this world]

โ€œUmm...y-yes, of course Avnee!โ€ the four spoke frightened. [I would say: Frightened, all four said, "Umm ... y-yes, of course, Avnee!"]

Shoot the gun [I would change "Shoot" to "Fire"]

โ€œWeโ€™re on it Avnee!โ€ replied the two. [For clarity, I would say: "We're on it, Avnee!" replied Kamryn and Sapphire.]

what weโ€™re headed for.โ€ [I would say: where we're headed,"]

โ€œI...I hear it. Avnee came much sooner than I expected.โ€ [I have no idea who is speaking here. Rachel? Isaac? Nainika? Laiba?]

advised Sarah. [I would move this to the start of the paragraph it's in and say instead: Sarah advised:]

โ€œIโ€™ll try, but itโ€™s hard to accept the fact that I should just stay here while all my friends go out there, including you, risking their lives for me. My sister doesnโ€™t deserve this. She should understand pain. But, at the same time, I love her. I donโ€™t know what to do, Sarah. If only you would understaโ€”โ€ [Again, I have no idea who is speaking here. Please clarify.]

Chills of glass burst out and inside their cabin. Many arrows had poked holes inside their place, destroying it. [I would say instead: Many of the arrows punctured the walls and windows of their cabin. The windows shattered, sending shards of glass flying in all directions, both inside and outside. Their cabin was destroyed soon after.]

โ€œCOME ON FOOLISH SISTER! COME DEVAKI! [I would add a comma after "ON" and after the second "COME".]

โ€œDonโ€™t go Devaki! Sarah, Ellie, and I will go and fight. Tiffany will stay here with you!โ€ pleaded Lillian. [Maybe say instead: "Don't go, Devaki!" pleaded Lillian. "Sarah, Ellie, and I will go and fight. Tiffany will stay here with you!"

โ€œNo. She is my sister, and I have to face her. This is not the quarrel in which you two should interfere in. This is our quarrel, and we should resolve it.โ€ commanded Devaki. [I would change "commanded Devaki." to "Devaki refused." and move it to before "No."]

This is our quarrel, and we should resolve it.โ€ [Maybe delete the comma and go on with: and this is where we will finish it."]

It had been some time, but Devaki trudged across the fields, and finally reached the Valley. [Maybe say instead: It took some time for Devaki to trudge across the fields, but she finally reached the Valley.]

She was already tired and was going to faint, but she held all in. [Maybe say instead: She was tired by then and was about to faint, but by force of will she managed to stay conscious.]

โ€œNO! You, mom, and dad ruined my life! Made me rot in the orphanage! How could you all do that?!โ€ [For clarity, I would add ", Devaki" after "NO"]

โ€œWe already discussed this, Avnee. We can stop fighting! Please, listen to me! We can have a new sisterhood again. I know it must hurt for you, knowing that I lived a better life, but I care about you! I wish you would listen to me! I love you! I really do, and if you are willing to start over, I would be more than ecstatic.โ€ Devaki tried to convince Avnee. [I would probably say instead: Devaki tried to change Avnee's mind. "We've already discussed this, Avnee. [then go on with what you wrote, and then say:] I know it must hurt you, [then go on with what you wrote, and then say:] "I would be overjoyed." instead of "I would be more than ecstatic."]

She started sobbing, and soon threw away her weapons, and hugged her sister. [Maybe say instead: She started sobbing. Then she threw away her weapons and hugged her sister.]

Devaki hugged back. [I would add "her" after "hugged"]

โ€œI am so sorry, for all the I have done. [I would add "harm" after "the"]

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23:08 Feb 28, 2021

Okay, I know this comment isnโ€™t even directed towards me, but you know how you can feel secondhand embarrassment? Well, Iโ€™m literally experiencing secondhand gratitude. THAT COMMENT IS SO DANG LONG!!! AND THOUGHT-OUT!!! AND HELPFUL!!!! So even thought Iโ€™m not even Laila (lol)...thank you so much! ๐Ÿ’–

(This is such a weird comment lol)

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Philip Clayberg
23:53 Feb 28, 2021

Very sorry for its length. Please understand that they're just suggestions (nothing written in stone). You are more than welcome to disregard any or all of them. I hope that I'm helping more than annoying. I know that it isn't easy to edit a story. Sometimes I get really tired after editing one of my own stories. And sometimes it takes several rereads to find most (if not all) of the mistakes. I'm still finding mistakes in my most recent story, "Evacuation Order". At least it's not as bad as some earlier stories where it felt like the editing took longer than the writing did (one story took me about 5 hours to write and I'm not a slow typist; the rereading and the editing was spread across the next 5 days; no joke; I was very tired by the final day of working on it and really didn't want to deal with the story anymore). I think my writing is steadily improving and I think it's mostly due to the rereading and editing.

You're very welcome. I feel so bad when the editing comments seem almost as long as the story itself. But if it helps improve the writing, then I would rather give more editing comments than fewer (or none at all). When someone clicks "like" for one of my stories, what I'm actually wishing for is a response that includes some feedback (positive and/or negative). I'm not perfect, so it's nice having help spotting places where I can improve a story.

(Yours wasn't a weird comment. If my editing comments were sent to the wrong author, I sincerely apologize.)

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00:50 Mar 01, 2021

Oh, no, donโ€™t be sorry at all! Too many comments these days are just fluff and compliments, so a lot of authors have even firmly put in their bio they request criticism XD Rarely so I find such an amazing, thoughtful comment. So yea, ur awesome, never stop ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ˜‚

(Haha, actually, nope, your comment was on the right story. I was just scrolling through comments on the story and I found yours. Sorry for the confusion!)

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Philip Clayberg
16:41 Mar 01, 2021

Oh good. Because back in early January (around the 7th, I think) I think I got a little too emotional about the not-always-positive reactions to my editing comments. If I'd been happy, I don't think I would've mostly stayed away from this website (except for submitting stories) for the next three weeks. But they weren't happy. I felt like I was doing more harm than good. When I returned, though, I didn't hear any negative reactions. Instead, there was genuine concern about me, and happiness that I was back (and doing more than just submitting stories). When you're not what I'd call popular and people you've never met in-person *do* want you to be part of their group, it's humbling. (I'm trying not to cry right now when I'm typing this, but I can feel some tears in my eyes.) I don't know how to adequately put it into words how thankful I am to be part of group that is so accepting of people like me. (Okay, now I *am* crying. Sorry. Brb. Okay, I think I'm calm enough again.) It's funny, because if you were around my two older brothers and our mother, you'd wonder how I could be so socially insecure even part of the time. But I think I've always been the shyest in the family. (Which I will contradict right now with this memory: A good friend I used to know once told me, "You're the only person I know who can go up to a complete stranger and talk with them like you're old friends." It's sort of like a sixth sense: you sense when a person is either okay to talk with or not okay to talk with. It has failed sometimes, though; like the one time I talked with a guy for several blocks and as I was about to enter the DC apartment building I lived in, he tried to mug me; this happened about 25 years ago. Thankfully, it's never happened since. I've had to much more careful who I start chatting with in the real world (and, sometimes, also on the Internet).) From what I've read, though, just because someone is shy it doesn't mean that they're introverted (and vice versa). Though, how someone can be both shy *and* extraverted, I have no idea. It sounds like a contradiction in terms.

Sorry for babbling there.

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WOW LAILA
okay lemme take this one at a time:
1. CONGRATS ON 100!!!!!!!!!!!
2. this was aMAZING its gonna be such a good series :)
3. thanks so much for including me!
4. it was AMAZING
5. thanks for including meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
:D

~ Amethyst

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You are so kind! Sorry I included you as a bad person...it was just the timing you put your response!

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aw thanks! its fineeeeeeeeeeeeee, its the first time im actually EVIL for once XD

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Shallan Davar
23:08 Feb 23, 2021

Awwww that's so cute!!<3

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. .
22:55 Feb 23, 2021

I loved it!!! You really made all of the characters fit! It was a little robotic but I loooooooooooves the personalities!! Also can I be in it?????

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Thank you so much! Haha, I kinda wanted to give that awkward vibe!!
Umm, like what do you mean? Be in the story?

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. .
23:11 Feb 23, 2021

Yesh that would be wonderful... if possible...

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Nancy Drayce
22:34 Feb 23, 2021

Congratulations on 100 stories, Laila!! That is an amazing accomplishment! And this was a very cool story, great job!! ๐Ÿ’™๐ŸŒŸ

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Thank you! So sorry I couldn't include you! There were so many names!

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Nancy Drayce
22:40 Feb 23, 2021

No problem!! I don't mind it! ๐Ÿค—

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Nora Ouardi
18:16 Jan 09, 2022

Just wrote my first story in a hella long time so would greatly appreciate it if you check it out ;) but how have you been? we haven't talked in so long and i've missed so much of your great work! You have improved so much and you are so talented. Great story, you are killing it, girl!

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Lucas Zhou
02:43 Oct 11, 2021

Woot!

congrats on achieving this milestone:)

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First off, congratulations on your 100th story!!!

Secondly, your story was awesome! Putting in the names of authors (some of which I recognized) was like having 20 cherries on top of a mega sundae with cream whip and nuts. Delightful.

Can't wait to read the next 100!

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Amara Tillington
18:23 May 05, 2021

One hundred beautiful stories. I'm glad they're still here. I don't know if you see this, but you are fantastic!

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Angel {Readsy}
20:10 Apr 29, 2021

I am leaving readsy forever

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