158 comments

Funny

Ooh, see, who’s making it to the top of the mountain. It’s SwordOgre!” the anchor’s voice roars through the JBL speakers as the virtual spectators cheer and applaud their favourite players. 


I press my headphone mic close to my lips and jab my thumb at the screen. “Hey, hey, player-1234-I-don’t-care, I will invert your rib cage if you don’t leave my spike behind.” 


The player who, as usual, feigns ignorance, sprints up the mountain toward my area and sabotages my spike. A clever coward, I see. Red splashes my screen and sirens pierce through the speakers, digging needles into my eardrums. I rush toward the spike and notice the player has no ammo left, and although with only nine hundred swords remaining, is still in top 10.


Everything is bloody perverted here! 


I had abandoned creative writing so I could focus on video games, praying nothing would be rigged here. For a while, yes, I enjoyed my games without the egoistic noobs. Who did they even think they were? 


I’d win every match...


I’d win every man’s heart...


And win all kinds of sponsors. 


But offers decreased when petty hackers jumped into the game I owned the throne of. I stopped playing because I felt humiliated. The world had deceived me and boo-ed at me, stomped on me and crushed my bones. It had decided to taunt me for the rest of my life. 


Suckers, I said and thanked God that something like New Year and these stupid resolutions existed. No offense to my muggers (in this sense, those who aren’t gamers). I had to instill faith in myself that I could get back on track no matter what other moronic actions the world did to enfeeble me. 


So I sat down and with huge, bold letters wrote my one and only “resolution”:


Win Bionic Assault Tournament or flush yourself in the toilet. 


Sounds delicious yet nasty to me; pretty straightforward, too. Both are ominous. Who knows what happens? Ninja couldn’t even predict the future. He, the God of Thrones (or the King of Game of Thrones. Whatever), couldn’t estimate who was going to win the Fortnite Tournament. Well, he wasn’t that oblivious; you know. He knew he’d win, but wouldn’t that be too self-assuring to other people? They’d think Fortnite was rigged too. Okay, well, just sit down and tell me things you think aren’t manipulated. You’d fill two houses of forty hands and feet each on five lanes, already! Ninja had to act deaf and blind to what was about to happen, not that he was clueless of his win. YOU GET IT.


So, I got back to playing Bionic Assault when the creators and CEO of the game said “kiss my arse” and banned the hackers and useless noobs out of it. Only professionals were supposed to play it and not spam emails. 


I choke on my Red Bull when a rabid player, NotSOUgly, fires countless bullets through my armor as if he’s emerged from the game and shoots me for real. Nine thousand swords decrease to a mere seven thousand.   


“Oi, what’re you wasting your bullets for?” 


“So I can see you off to your funeral. Also, you a noob ‘cause you play with the Gay Gun.” 


I… agree with the second part, though. Noob players use Judge or in popular and insensitive terms, the Gay Gun and gain several kills effortlessly.


I fish my knife out and with a few frenzy chases, stab Ugly. That one kill restores my swords. It’s like health and helps you equip different weapons. Without sufficient swords, you’re a beggar in the game and as the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers


The Tournament completes its first half with me in 18th rank among fifty others. I’d taken an oath in front of my family that if I lost this impossible game, I’d do most of the house chores (not that I didn’t, anyway) for six months straight, let my brother decide the house menu and babysit my neighbour’s sister’s dog’s grandmother. A hectic schedule I could definitely pull off with no sweat and back pain to spare. 



🎮



“Welcome back to Bionic Assault Tournament, powered by Reese’s and sponsored by Riot Games and MamaEarth Diapers.” 


I gulp down warm water from my glass and gurgle it in my mouth, training and preparing my voice for all the cussing and screeching I’ve to do today. The intensive cursing and strength that accompanies my voice could alone win me impossible games.



*a few hours later*



“SwordOgre, you—you, our friendship ends from this point on!” cries a player, PeanutButter, all set down on wanting to exterminate me within a single blow. Friendship, I think, and scoff; he speaks as if we had any bonding to start with. My eyes hover over the leftover time on the top right screen and the rage rouses from dormancy; my eyes roar with the passion to end this game.


I finally equip my ultimate weapon that painfully takes four hours to regenerate each time it exhausts and swirl it at my ex-friend. The weapon that attaches a scintillating crescent to its top and wraps prismatic beaded weeds around its staff, slices through the player’s abdomen, diving it into two unequal halves as the mutton chops plop to the floor and incinerate (or should I say, roast?).


“BAST—”


“Nah-uh, not that. Remember, this is a child-friendly game. You might see a ban sign outside your door and never see the face of the game. Ever again,” announces the anchor and questions regarding how our pg-13 game turned into a child friendly game flushes into my mind. What’d they have to say about Mortal Kombat X, then? For muggers, once again, it’s the definition of pg-13, with extensive violence and extensively creative weapons and actions. A few actions smash the opponent’s skull into pieces and stuff their brain into their intestines. If you’ve bottled up your minacious grudge for an eternity, treat the game like therapy and there you go, you don’t have to see actual blood on your hands and raw mutton chops in front of you.  



💀



Haters boo and fans say I love you. 


I did it! I DID IT!


It’s the end of Bionic Assault Tournament. I climbed up from 15th rank to the first; something I could’ve never achieved if I were still forcing my brain to come up with writing ideas. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. A woman my age would’ve wanted to hang out in nightclubs, drink booze and party all night long. I (with an emphasis on it) crumpled down every cliché and stereotype. An immense relief. I realise I’m a celebrity now and earnestly wait for Ninja to write me a congratulations letter.



🎮



 I’m amidst tearing a Pacific Ocean filled fan letters when a knock raps on the door. 


Is it the Ninja?   


Impossibly possible. He can’t know my address unless he’s an acclaimed part-time stalker. 


Shut up. He’s your role model, Jazz. Oh yes, oh yes. There goes me, exposing my animal side.


I rush toward the door and gently open it like the lady that I am so not. Outside, there’s no Ninja. No samurai. But a bunch of roses cradled in the hands of somebody.


“Hello, hello. So nice to meet you.” A man pops out from behind the roses. So not like Ninja. He’s a middle-aged man. So not my type! “Congratulations on your win, I’m NougatPeriPeri, the game designer of Bionic Assualt. You can call me Ransom too.” The man extends his hand out as I take and shake it. 


I… I didn’t rig the game if that’s what he came here for. It was already rigged. But he’s in a jocular mood, a smile that stretches like a tight underwear.


He hands the roses over to me as we make it to the living room. Ransom settles on the couch and rubs his palms, smiling and appearing a little jumpy, as if too excited to meet the celebrity that I am. 


“How may I help you, stalk- Ransom?” 


“Er, first, I congratulate you on your win. Every fourth year, after the tournament announces its winner, I go to their house and congratulate them and offer them some deals.”


“Ah, okay. What’s the deal compromise? 


“Em… I didn’t come here for the deal in particular.” Ransom gets down on his knees and stuffs his hand into his back pocket. Gun? Key to the room of Bionic Assault CEO? “You’ve enthralled me with your beauty and talent. Your gaming style is my style. No winner in the history of our tournaments has ever shown such impressive skills. You’re so agile, so crazy, so my type. Will you marry me?” 


Ransom shoves a diamond ring in my face.


What in the world of expired cotton candy?


I examine the ring to make sure it isn’t a Bionic Assault merch he’s proposing to me with. But no, no, no. I’d rather write for the rest of my life, throw myself under the bus or sell used undergarments. 


“Mister, I can’t. My life—”


“Is prosperous, yes. And I want you to share it—.”

“You greedy dumb—”


“Look at this shiny ring.”


“Ransom. No. I’ve a cat and he gets sentimental when I talk to him about marriage. And it’d be unfair to him.”


“Miss, I’m sure your cat will understand. I’ll take care of our kids, don’t you worry.”


Little did he know, my cat isn’t even mine. He’d stalked into my house, so I kept him in for a while. He died soon after. 


“I—I can’t.”


“Why?”


I tuck my hair behind my hair and pull my face in, avoiding any eye contact with Ransom. “I don’t think I could get a good price for ‘em on the black market.” 


Ransom’s lips contort and grow lopsided. His eyebrows furrow as he retracts his ring box and retreats to his couch, gulping down a ball of saliva. “Uh, you’re joking, right? Haha...”


“Which part of my face shows otherwise?” I sit back and gaze at my nails, adopting an impression of an evil landlady who manipulates men into going on many dangerous missions for her. “Do you know why I live alone? I sold my cat to the black market, sacrificed my neighbour’s dog’s grandmother to the evil men of a downtown occult, and since you’ve stepped into my house with no notice beforehand, it’s obligatory to put you to sleep forever. I loathe uninvited guests and men, especially.” 


I draw a butcher’s knife from the knife stand and flick it at the uninvited guest. Dark red splatters against the wall and it feels like the actual game I’ve won after a long while. 


~

(everything is a work of fiction. Ninja never said any of it, or did he...?)

January 05, 2021 18:20

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158 comments

Orenda .
18:25 Jan 05, 2021

thanks to Ru and Rhonda for proofreading and pointing out small errors 😙 I had an absolute blast writing this and I dedicate this entry to Vayd and Aerin <33 Also, this isn't a self-insert, if you were wondering, but I did take references from real life. Nonetheless, enjoy this and shower me with proper critiques.

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21:30 Jan 05, 2021

Yayyyyyy shanks lol

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Orenda .
03:19 Jan 06, 2021

hahaa :-)

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Ben To
15:46 Jan 09, 2021

Press F to pay respects. Great story, loved it!

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Orenda .
16:05 Jan 09, 2021

aw, haha, thank you so much :-)

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Amaya .
20:10 Jan 08, 2021

hey i love ur bio <3

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Orenda .
20:10 Jan 08, 2021

thank you, sweetheart :)

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Amaya .
20:20 Jan 08, 2021

come backk i wanna have a convo with you akdfld it's been a long time

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Orenda .
20:31 Jan 08, 2021

haha, here, here. I'll go offline in a few minutes. why tf are you depressed? What's the issue?

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Amaya .
21:09 Jan 08, 2021

ahh sorry i didn't check reedsy now it's too late :/ it's not specific it's just that outside things affect me more than most people and i pay the price for it. it messes me up

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Orenda .
05:15 Jan 09, 2021

oh yes, I understand. I just try to stay away from them as much as possible and distract myself with happy things. Works to an extent, you know.

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Amaya .
20:20 Jan 08, 2021

:) <333 ily

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Orenda .
20:31 Jan 08, 2021

i love you too :3

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Amaya .
19:53 Jan 09, 2021

your bios keep getting better and better I'ma check them rly often now

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Orenda .
20:07 Jan 09, 2021

haha thank youu, then ima have to change it often.

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Amaya .
22:31 Jan 06, 2021

what happenedd to usss i feel like i forgot how to talk to you

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Orenda .
02:48 Jan 07, 2021

whaaat? lol. What're you upto?

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Amaya .
03:07 Jan 07, 2021

not much what about you? Trying to get back into school mode and failing

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Orenda .
03:15 Jan 07, 2021

I'm just relaxing for now and jamming to music: my personal therapist. 😚

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Amaya .
04:48 Jan 07, 2021

yuppp relatable

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Orenda .
03:42 Jan 07, 2021

so, I watched a movie called Us with a couple friends and we watch horror movies together every week, but this one was highly different. It's about this family that is haunted by their clones and slowly, thousands of others are killed by their own clones. Okay, as a lover of horror, I was DISAPPOINTED because I kept searching for the spooky element but there was none lol. The beginning had extreme suspense and tension and I thought it was building up to an incredible plot but it was fishing COMEDY, more like a parody. I highly recommend this...

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Amaya .
04:49 Jan 07, 2021

WAITTT that's so cool. now i rly wanna watch it. ooh you're lucky I'm not able to meet my friends at all :/ oh my gosh yeahhh i wish i could watch stuff with you guys that would be so much fun!

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Orenda .
05:03 Jan 07, 2021

oh, I didn't have to meet up with them. We watched it on discord 🌚 :(

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Amaya .
20:01 Jan 06, 2021

oh my god ORENDA YOUR POINTS AND LEADERBOARD PLACE WHAT all thanks to me *smirks* just kidding but adiolhfgkya ulfhidakufhapdogfuiy

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Orenda .
20:22 Jan 06, 2021

oh yess. yes all thanks to you, Amaya :-))

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Amaya .
22:31 Jan 06, 2021

:)

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02:39 Jan 08, 2021

Ohhhhh so that’s why you were suddenly super-duper high up? AWESOME! YayyyyRen!!

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Orenda .
03:12 Jan 08, 2021

I thought it was because of you too lol. But anyway, thanks to you both, Celeste and Amany and any other anonymous people for getting me high 🌚

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13:20 Jan 08, 2021

Oh haha, well, yes, but I think my last upvote spree was maybe a week or two ago. I just meant that you were in 10/11th, then in a matter of like 2 days, you climbed super high up da leaderboard!!

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Orenda .
13:59 Jan 08, 2021

really? Well, anyway, thank youu ♡

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After reading this, I'm thinking: WHY DID I NOT READ THIS SOONER??? WHAT WAS I DOING?? Sorry for that emotional breakdown I just had...but I really like that you took real life people as an inspiration for this story. Also, I'm just glad that you even posted a story, great job Ori, and I wish to read more of your awesome stories. P.S. Hope your year is going good! :)

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Orenda .
03:24 Jan 06, 2021

haha, no worries. You at least got the time to stop by and that's it :-) thank you so much for enjoying this 😚

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Thank you, also, your welcome! =)

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Amany Sayed
19:30 Jan 05, 2021

Renny, this was great! Certainly an interesting take on the prompt. My only critique is the lack of details. Throughout the reading, I often felt discombobulated by what was going on. It's sort of the style of the story, and can't really be fixed, but just my 2 cents. It was funny, and you almost had me at when he proposed, but no laughs yet. Better luck next time ;) Keep writing!

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Orenda .
19:35 Jan 05, 2021

Thank you! Augh, I lost it there. Any way I could make the proposal funnier and squeeze a laugh out of you? Yup, better luck next time :)

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Amany Sayed
19:39 Jan 05, 2021

Ha! You could try.

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Orenda .
19:40 Jan 05, 2021

okay lol but you gotta suggest how I could tweak it. Also, Vayd's back for a day or two, so check his story out if you haven't.

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Amany Sayed
19:43 Jan 05, 2021

Well, I dunno. It was already really funny like I said nearly laughed. Oh, thanks for telling me!

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Orenda .
19:45 Jan 05, 2021

No problem! Aw, thank youu, Amany <3

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Maya W.
18:34 Jan 05, 2021

Orendaaa. Awesome work! I loved the world you created in the video game, and my only real critique is that it was a bit confusing at times. But amazing job!

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Orenda .
18:36 Jan 05, 2021

eyy, thank you, Mayaaa. Oh no, I'll have to edit it then. Which parts seemed confusing?

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Maya W.
18:38 Jan 05, 2021

Like, around the bottom half of the middle where you put a break in the text it sorta lost me, lol. But you still did a great job!

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Orenda .
18:41 Jan 05, 2021

Shit. I should edit that part then?

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Maya W.
18:42 Jan 05, 2021

Hmm, maybe a little.

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Orenda .
18:45 Jan 05, 2021

Okie, thankoo for the catch!

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AHHH! Your bio is so true Ori! Very inspirational and just...amazing.

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Orenda .
04:19 Jan 10, 2021

thank you, dear <3

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Your welcome! :)

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Rayhan Hidayat
08:24 Jan 08, 2021

Did she murder him at the end?? Jesus... 😬 Yay video games! I feel like there were a lot of real world references that flew over my head, but it was enjoyable overall. Personally I’d love for you to put the explanation that swords=health sooner because I was so confused at the beginning. Also, what genre is this game? FPS? MMORPG? Glad to see you’re uploading more frequently. Good stuff! 😙

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Amaya .
04:03 Jan 06, 2021

when i post my story do you mind if I use the emojis as scene breaks? that's sorta your thing so i was just asking.

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Orenda .
04:04 Jan 06, 2021

I've no problem. Ray uses them too, so no worries.

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Amaya .
04:04 Jan 06, 2021

okay!!

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Ori-cale! (Oracle) Why did ya not tell me new story?? This is basically a gamer’s life, with hackers and tournaments and just plain rage. But the ending pulled it off, especially with the last paragraph. Great job, now excuse me as I start screaming at my teammate for NOT DEFENDING ME. (Also, new nickname.)

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Orenda .
19:23 Jan 05, 2021

oh no, I'm sorry. I don't inform everybody, just a few randomly. Haha, yes, you do that. Cool nickname, hell yeah 😚 this story speaks to me on a spiritual level since you know, games... but not the part of despising writing lol and other things. Do you play games too?

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I forgive you💜 tEll me next time tho! Yas gurlll~ GAMES FOREVeR I LOVE WRITING Heck yeah I play. You too?

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Orenda .
19:30 Jan 05, 2021

yes, my bad. I will :) aye, of course! That's why a story based on video games was so mandatory. It's an escape from the busy and exasperating world.

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thanks. I will too. I think I actually have new ones, but I did not tell u? wot? 🤯🤯🤯🤯 Yes! Yes! Yes! The world is just ARRrRRrrRrRGh rn, so ya, escape!

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Orenda .
19:37 Jan 05, 2021

nah, you didn't. But I saw 'em in my activity feed so only "liked" them. yeah, gotta do that.

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Kristin Neubauer
11:44 Jan 10, 2021

Great story, Orenda! I know nothing about gaming, so it had my head spinning but that has nothing to do with you. I read slowly and followed the action. I think you wrote complicated action in a really clear and vivid way and I loved the narrator’s voice. It was unique to the character and very natural - always a pleasure to read your work!

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Orenda .
12:04 Jan 10, 2021

Thank you so much, Kristin. Your feedbacks are beautiful as always. I knew it'd be difficult for non-gamers to understand, so I tried to provide an insight on what the games are like and seems like I struggled there haha. But nevertheless, thanks a lot :-))

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Kristin Neubauer
12:26 Jan 10, 2021

I think you explained it really well - but I also think gaming isn’t the easiest concept for non-gamers to get their head around, no matter how good the writing. I grew up in the age of Atari, so that will give you some idea of my ignorance. You did a great job!

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Orenda .
12:37 Jan 10, 2021

Yes, agreed. Ooh, Nintendo stuff. Sweet! Thanks so much :)

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Ari Berri
21:26 Jan 05, 2021

This is awesome! Nice use of the prompt. I love the ending.

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Orenda .
03:18 Jan 06, 2021

thank you, thank you :)

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Ari Berri
15:20 Jan 06, 2021

No problem.

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B. W.
18:59 Jan 05, 2021

I really enjoyed this story and how ya did the stuff for the video game. I don't really have a lot to say and the others already pointed out the errors and stuff, I do like the names for the stuff in it though. 10/10 ^^

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Orenda .
19:04 Jan 05, 2021

yay! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank youu :-)

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B. W.
19:30 Jan 05, 2021

No prob ^^ how did ya come up with the idea?

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H L McQuaid
21:34 Jan 13, 2021

"Look at this shiny ring." Them's fightin' words. :) I enjoyed this, even if I didn't understand parts of it. Or maybe I enjoyed it because it is so foreign and unfamiliar. Anyway, I've not read anything like it before. Original and funny.

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Zilla Babbitt
00:37 Jan 09, 2021

All right, this was funny and exhilarating. Man, you and Rayhan and these virtual game stories. They're so fun to read. I should try one sometime. I guess my only critique is that I have no idea what's going on (haha). But really, you don't explain the rules of the game enough for me to wrap my head around it and therefore be able to cheer for the mc. A few short sentences should be enough (you don't want to overexplain!). Other than that, a great job. Such a fun read, Ren. Keep it up!

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07:19 Jan 08, 2021

Hello Orenda! ....Stares at the end in shock. How couldd you end it like that!!?? I loved it! You obviously have talent for writing hilarious stories, this story came closeeee but 'Letters To Tal' still has my heart lol! No seriously- I love that story. I love all your stories! they are so unique! You never put a lid over your creativity and are never afraid to go where you haven't- thats an artist! One thing I noticed is one slight mistake- " I’ve a cat and he gets sentimental when I talk to him about marriage." >>> I think you meant-...

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Orenda .
08:38 Jan 08, 2021

haha, I'd no idea how to end it, so I had to be a lil dark. Aw, I'm so glad. I remember you saying how you relate to it. Amazing <3 Thank you soo much and I'll edit it. Thanks for the catch! ;)

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15:07 Jan 08, 2021

Of couurrseee!! Oh right I have a new story out!!

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Orenda .
15:45 Jan 08, 2021

ooh, I'll check it out :-)

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17:09 Jan 08, 2021

yay!

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Radhika Diksha
17:33 Jan 06, 2021

Ransom’s lips contort and grow lopsided. His eyebrows furrow as he retracts his ring box and retreats to his couch, gulping down a ball of saliva. I loved this line from the story. I loved the narration and the plotline. I loved the references and I loved the idea. By the way, I have submitted a new story so I would love your feedback on it.

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Orenda .
18:04 Jan 06, 2021

thank you, Radhika! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) right, I'll get to it ASAP.

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B. W.
04:59 Jan 06, 2021

Hey

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RBE | Illustration — We made a writing app for you | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

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