Say It

I love sitting here with you. It’s such a peaceful spot with the bridge and the ducks and swans floating by. 

Don’t forget the rats. There’s plenty of them about too. One scurried under this bench when I was sitting here on my own the other day.

Trust you to go and spoil things. 

What do you mean?

Bringing a rat into it. I was thinking more of Monet’s bridge with the waterlilies under it. What did you do?

Nothing. He just popped his head round. To say hello. Fortunately, by then I’d finished my sandwich. I shuffled my legs and off he scarpered.

I’d love to see a water vole.

You look all dreamy when you say that. How would you know the difference?

A water vole is sweeter than a rat. It has a round friendly face, a short tail, and tiny ears. And it’s all furry.

A rat is furry too.

But a vole is cute. Think of “Wind in the Willows.”

You’re thinking of Ratty. Another rat. 

Oh, you know what I mean. Endearing characters. 

I’ve never read it so I wouldn’t know.

Come to think of it, neither have I. But back to water voles. Maybe the reason we never see one is because they’re fast becoming an endangered species.

Why’s that?

All the rubbish that gets thrown into our rivers, no doubt. That, and loss of habitat.

Well, there’s plenty of hidey-holes for all manner of creatures here.

For sure.

Do you remember when we saw that snake further up the river and you said how streamlined it was with its head poking out of the water?

I’m not likely to forget something like that in a hurry. It was fascinating to watch, even if it did seem out of context. I always think of snakes as creatures that glide through the grass, not swimming in the river. If you can call it swimming. I’ve only ever seen grass snakes round here. You have to admit it looked kind of weird moving through the water. Menacing.

Only if you don’t like snakes.

I wonder how many times we’ve sat here since we’ve known one another.

I don’t know. A lot, probably.

I used to spend my break here on my own before…

Before what?

Well… 

Well, what? 

Before you came along.

Did you?

Yup.

It’s certainly picturesque. Shall I take a picture of us sitting here on my phone?

If you like.

Not in the mood?

You’ve taken a lot of pictures of us out together. On our outings. I mean don’t get me wrong – I love the pictures and videos you’ve taken, but it’s nice to sit quietly sometimes.

Fancy sharing a drink?

Go on, then.

Wonder what’s happened to the heron’s nest.

That’s much further along the river. Below the town’s main bridge. Anyway, it wouldn’t be nesting at this time of year. 

It’s not there at all now. That part of the river has flooded onto the island bit where it had its nest.

I thought that was where the swan’s nest was.

Well, whatever it was. There was a grey stork-like creature that seemed to spend a lot of time there.

There’s been so much rain lately, it’s not surprising the heron’s home has disappeared. It’s a shame. I wonder where it’s gone.

I saw it not far from here two days ago.

Did you? That’s good.

We’ve had some great times, haven’t we?

Yeah. Really great. You know, I used to feel so lonely before you came.

Did you? Well, it’s not always easy back at the hell hole. There’s a lot of interruptions and stress. Really, we never get a moment’s peace. I know I find it hard when you’re not around. 

Me too.

You’ve been awesome. 

Have I? What, even when I bug the hell out of you?

Usually, it’s me who’s bugging you. 

Aside from that, it’s great having someone to share things with. I haven’t been able to do that for a long time.  

Where do you fancy going on our next outing? It needs to be somewhere we haven’t been before.

Does it? I quite like going to the same places. 

But it’s nice to try somewhere new.

It is, but it doesn’t really matter. I enjoy your company wherever we end up. 

I wish we could spend more time together.

We’ve had this conversation before. WE just can’t. I mean, if things were different, perhaps we could. But I have to… you know.

I know. 

You know there was a time when…. 

I know. I didn’t expect you to.

Anyway, I just can’t go there again.

I know. But just out of interest, why exactly?

You know why. 

Yeah. 

I certainly can’t go there. Not now. Not with anyone. 

Why not? 

Take a look at me!

I’m looking at you. 

What do you see?

If only you knew! You’ll have me blubbing in a minute. 

Ah! No need for that.

We have always been honest with each other, haven’t we? Even when it’s not been easy. I see someone who is kind, talented and a lot of fun. And let’s face it, you’re pretty easy on the eye too. 

Not anymore. Not since…

When I first met you, girls were practically falling over themselves to get near you. In fact, one nearly did. I’ve never told you this before, but it happened not long after I knew you. We were outside the pub that’s now closed – I’ve forgotten the name of it – 

The Fish and Hook.

That’s it. Anyway, it must have been a summer’s day because I remember they had drawn the tables up outside. Or maybe I’ve got that wrong. Maybe you were sitting there on your own. No, that was another time.

Make your mind up, girl.

Hang on. Give me time. I’ll get it right in a minute. Yeah, got it. We were sitting there at the table and this girl was passing by, and she nearly fell over because she couldn’t take her eyes off you. 

Really? I didn’t notice. 

You wouldn’t. Anyway, it struck me at the time.

Maybe I looked ok once. I was often mistaken for being younger. But now – 

Don’t say that. You still look good. And it’s not all about looks. Looks are nothing without personality. You’ve got that in spades. You don’t see yourself as others see you.

Does anyone? Anyway, you know my feelings about -

About what?

Stuff.

Don’t I just? We never speak about… It’s like we made a pact.

Speak about what?

The elephant that stands between us.

Which one?

What do you mean, which one? I mean the one that’s so big, we spend most of our time trying not to trip over it.

Oh, that one.

Sometimes I just can’t believe you. You can’t have forgotten.

Hardly. But it was a long time ago.

Seems like a lifetime. A lot’s happened since then. 

That’s true. 

Just like you to bury your head in the sand and think everything in the garden is rosy. Even when…

You do that too.

Not like you. You don’t want to see the thorns. Tell me, don’t you ever feel lonely?

All the time.

Oh, we’re just going round in our usual circles. 

I think I know what you’re talking about, but I don’t want to put my foot in it and say the wrong thing. 

You’ve a history of doing that.

Anyway, I’ve got too many problems for…

I don’t deny it’s difficult.

Life sucks. 

I really wish we were able to spend more time together. 

That would be great. 

But we can’t. Not without causing…. You know that time when you said what you said… It nearly killed me.

I’m sorry. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt.

I can’t think what came over me. There’s so much I want to say even now, but I daren’t.

What is it you want to say?

I want to say…

Go on, spit it out. 

I can’t. Even though I want to. 

Go on. Just say it.

You’re…

I’m what? 

Nothing. 

I’m nothin?

If only you knew.

Say it. 

No. And don’t make me. I can’t say it.

Alright. If you insist.

I’m definitely not going to say it.

Ok. 

Funny old set up life, isn’t it?