Ikal blinked. He was utterly disorientated by the vivid colors. Coming from the Southern Ocean, he was used to the plain dark depths beneath the pale surface.
He calmed himself.
It was the opening ceremony of the Leviathan Games. Merfolks across the five oceans congregated at the hosting sites, looking forward to the once-in-a-decade revelry.
Tens of thousands arrived at the Scarlet Reef of the Western Ocean, where the first game would be held.
The procession toured the city. As a contestant, Ikal stood in front of his kingdom's entourage. He had never been under the watchful gaze of such a massive crowd. Despite his nerves, he tried to maintain a composed and dignified look.
He was here for a mission.
At the town square, Ikal waited as the other nations arrived one after another.
He was distracted by the nacreous sheen of a carriage, drawn by a school of tropical fish. It was apparently hewn out of a large spiral shell.
Must be from one of the reef nations, he thought.
There were many more extravagant carriages, accompanied by fancy draft beasts of all shapes and sizes.
Suddenly, the crowd roared with excitement.
Enormous skulls emerged from the colorful parade, sharp teeth and monstrous shapes inspiring awe and fear. Those were the palanquins of the Nomadic Tribes. They were the most formidable warriors.
The contestants gathered at the center, where the team formation took place.
Each team had three or four contestants, selected from different nations. The Games were an event to foster peace among the nations, where their representatives worked together and competed peacefully.
Ikal was uncomfortable by how he stood out. He towered over merfolks of most nations, being four times as large as the smallest ones. His grayish-brown skin was bare, unlike others who adorned themselves with exotic materials.
"The name's Jerun. I'm from the Amber Atoll." A sprightly merfolk swam up to Ikal. He had bright eyes with slit pupils. Assorted ornaments of iridescent teal scales and carved pearls decorated him from head to tail.
Warily, Ikal looked at their other teammate. She was as large as him, with scars littering her bold gray skin. Chains of teeth and jagged bones wrapped around her muscular frame.
Jerun beamed with admiration. "You must be Lamni, the greatest warrior of the Nomads!"
Lamni flashed a toothy grin. "Nice meeting you too, little one." She brandished her spear. "Tomorrow, we bring glory to the merfolks."
The Patriarch was a majestic being. He commanded respect from creatures in the Western Ocean, where he roamed for millennia.
He was the star of many previous Games. Countless hunting parties had attempted and failed to capture him. The cunning leviathan always found ways to evade even the most skilled contestants.
"This time, we'll get him." Lamni was determined.
The teams spread out into the open ocean, each with their hunting beasts. They stalked the Patriarch from afar, carefully approaching him from all directions.
Abruptly, the Patriarch dove.
Atop their mounts, the hunters pursued at full speed and rapidly descended.
Soon, it was pitch black. Their luminescent orbs could hardly light the way. They heard eerie noises from strange unseen critters.
There were several hunters with echolocation abilities. The teams merged into larger groups, each with one of them for navigation.
Ikal sent out a sequence of clicks. "This way!"
A rumble swept through the hunters.
They continued their chase, carefully avoiding rocky outcrops in the treacherous terrain, as the Patriarch had seemingly led them to a marine ridge.
A giant maw struck out from beneath.
Amidst the chaos, the hunters were dispersed.
"Ikal!'
"Where are you?"
"It's over here, La-"
"We need to-"
Lamni could feel the swirling currents, focusing herself on the leviathan's movements. She was steadfast, unfazed by her companions being devoured one by one.
She clutched her spear.
With a burst of speed, she narrowly escaped from the gap of serrated teeth as they clamped down. Using the momentum, she swiveled around and plunged her spear into the side of the head.
The leviathan thrashed viciously, but she held fast.
Growing up, Lamni learned the lore of leviathans from her people. She knew much about the Patriarch.
Reaching back at her quiver, she aimed a javelin further up the head. Then, she swung herself over to grab it. Atop the leviathan's scalp, she threw a barrage of glowing javelins along the vertebrae.
She saw faint red lights underneath. The traps had been set.
"Jerun! Aim at its spine!"
A massive harpoon fired at the leviathan, followed by several more, piercing his bones. The Patriarch struggled, but the chains held him down.
As he died, he let out a long, booming wail.
It was the end of an era.
Lamni's team was crowned the victor of this round. For months to come, the Scarlet Reef would hold a grand feast. But the contestants and their entourage would soon move on to the next game.
For hundreds of contestants, less than ten made out alive. The rest was lost to the depths. It was an unusually high casualty. Though, each nation prepared many substitutes for its candidates.
Ikal was alive. Lamni was glad yet slightly upset.
"You were cowering in the dark while we fought." She scoffed.
"I was afraid⦠didn't know what happened, I-"
"Enough. Just be less of a spineless wretch next time."
Lamni stormed off.
She went to join the festivities. Jerun was already there.
As she arrived, the merfolks clamored over her. She slowly made her way to the crowd of Nomads with Jerun in tow. She couldn't wait to tell her people about the brave little one.
Strolling through the city, Ikal saw workers hauling the butchered carcass of the Patriarch across the streets. His flesh was served on banquets while his bone would become structures for new buildings.
Ikal saw Jerun's people carving on a massive tooth, fashioning a chariot for their champion.
He closed his eyes.
The convoy set out to the Iron Archipelago of the Eastern Ocean for the next game.
"Lamni, Ikal, look!" Jerun was enthusiastic, pointing at everything along the way.
At the bustling capital, throngs of merfolks scurried around for the welcoming ceremony. The intricate buildings were constructed with pillars of quartz. Everything was embellished with polished corals and colorful stones.
Ikal coiled around the streets awkwardly, careful not to topple anything.
On the outskirts, the other contestants had an impromptu little competition. Lamni threw a dagger at a school of barracudas, earning a round of cheers as it skewered several fish in a row.
The lava serpents were prized for their heatproof hides. The most precious were those of the newborn hatchlings. They were smooth and pristine, with scales like glistening obsidian.
The hunters ventured into the volcanic caverns.
It was impossible for them to take on the entire colony. The hunters must sneak into the nursing chambers and snatch as many as they could.
The teams went separate ways. It was far too conspicuous to travel together.
Jerun skillfully navigated through the crevices while evading the adult workers. He scouted the area ahead of his larger teammates.
"Soldiers!" Jerun whispered. They must be close.
"I'll...go."
Ikal swam ahead. He let out an undulating howl and darted into a nearby gap.
Soldiers and workers swarmed in his direction.
Jerun entered the unguarded chamber with Lamni closely behind. The place was aglow with orange magma flowing beneath the rocky surfaces. They were disappointed to find only a few hatchlings.
With a swift strike, Lamni bludgeoned each hatchling to unconsciousness. Jerun then swooped them into his net.
"Let's get out of here with these. We'll come back later." Lamni knew they needed more to win against the other teams, but it would be cumbersome to traverse the caverns with their haul.
As they went back on their path, Jerun noticed that something was amiss.
"We came in from here." He pointed at a wall. It was supposed to be a tunnel. "Wait here, I'll go find another way out."
Lamni waited for minutes. She felt a brief tremor.
Before long, the very walls shook violently around her.
Rocks collapsed from above. She hastily evaded the danger, holding onto the net until it was too much even for her.
"Jerun!" She swam frantically, lost in the caverns.
"Gah!" Magma rose from the fissures. A rush of heated water scalded the side of her body.
A serpentine form swam towards her. She almost reached for her spear before recognizing the soft brown hue.
"Follow me!" It was Ikal.
They made a narrow escape.
Lamni looked around. There were no others.
There was no victor for this game. The hunting party was entombed by the caverns, save for the Ikal and Lamni, who returned empty-handed.
Nevertheless, it was an honor to die for the Games. A feast was held in the name of the fallen.
For the last game, the convoy moved on to the Lantern Cliffs of the Great Ocean.
From afar, they could see the immense canyon, marring the seabed like a scar. As the convoy drew near, twinkling lights became visible from the darkness.
The merfolks dug out their abodes into the vertical rock face. There were gigantic pyrosomes hung everywhere like tubular flags, each giving off a delicate blue glow.
There was never a shortage of bizarre monsters in the great abyssal depths. As merfolks of the hosting kingdom scoured the canyon in preparation for the Games, they sighted an elusive, unknown creature.
Jerun was replaced by another merfolk of the Amber Atoll. Sela, as this one was called, seemed rather stern and uptight.
Lamni missed the little one dearly, with all his brilliance and bravery.
The hunters descended into the chasm, engulfed by darkness and crushing pressure. Led by a local, they entered the leviathan's lair.
The darkness was no more.
Bright pulsating green light greeted the hunters. There were strands of large spheres hanging from the ceiling. Thick veins sprawled across the walls, glowing eerily.
Sela quietly observed. This lair was like the inside of a sponge. Holes covered every surface, each tunneling further into the lair.
She felt a wave of unease.
"We should stay together, no matter what."
"You're not scared, are you?" Lamni said playfully.
Sela frowned. "We don't know what we're facing. It's best to be careful."
She looked at Ikal, who was quiet as ever. It was astonishing how he managed to look small with that stature.
Lamni shrugged. She didn't mind complying with Sela's suggestion, at least for a little while. It wasn't unusual for inexperienced hunters to have anxious thoughts.
The lair was a labyrinth, but the hunters tried their best to map out the structure, placing tags to mark the locations. Aside from the glowing veins and spheres, it seemed completely uninhabited.
"See?" Lamni gestured at their surroundings. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
Sela was unconvinced. She was still shaken by the nigh complete annihilation of the last two hunting parties.
"Aaaaaahhhh-"
She turned her head. To her horror, countless tendrils emerged from the holes, dragging everyone away.
She felt something wrapped around her. There was a forceful tug, and everything went dark.
Finally, Lamni almost rolled her eyes. She was starting to get bored from the trek.
She quickly grabbed onto the tendril as it took Sela and entered a winding tunnel.
They were brought to the heart of the lair. Piles of bones and half-eaten remains littered the spacious cave. The hunters flailed helplessly about as they fought to free themselves.
Amidst the tangled mess, the leviathan was revealed.
It was a grotesque, vermiform beast.
Lamni cut the tendril, releasing Sela with it.
A much larger tendril flung at her. Bracing herself against the impact, she held her spear out as it pulled her towards the gaping maw.
She jammed the spear between the mandibles and pushed through the gullet with great force. Within the leviathan, she unsheathed her blades and sliced along the length of corpulent flesh.
She emerged with a triumphant smile.
The Leviathan Games concluded with Lamni's team as the grand champion.
Her people looked at her with pride. She would be celebrated for years to come.
Lamni's feat was unprecedented. She survived where hundreds had perished and almost single-handedly brought down two leviathans.
A feast was held. Though, not everyone looked forward to tasting the giant sea worm. The leviathan's body was ingrained into its lair. Whatever parts they managed to yank out were too mushy to be made into anything useful.
What the merfolks found enchanting were the plentiful luminescent orbs grown in the lair.
They were big and radiant, pulsating in everchanging hues of vibrant green. The merfolks brought them back to their respective nations as fancy gifts.
After the Games, more would be harvested and exported.
Years later, disaster struck.
The 'orbs' hatched, unleashing horrors to the merfolks.
The larvae were voracious and unstoppable. The nations were weakened, having lost most of their best warriors in the last Games.
Gorging themselves with flesh, the larvae swelled into massive forms, wreaking havoc on the cities.
The surviving merfolks fled their homes. The once-great civilizations reduced to wandering pariahs, picked apart by beasts of the seas.
Lamni watched in despair.
Not long ago, she was the hero of her people. In truth, she was the catalyst to their downfall.
A familiar presence visited her.
Ikal swam towards her, still wearing that gentle, demure smile. But this time, she saw something sharp in his eyes.
"It was you!"
Ikal's smile turned into a grin.
Ikal was born in the Southern Ocean. He was orphaned when the warring nations destroyed his village.
For weeks, he wandered alone in the frigid waters.
When he almost met his end from hunger, he saw stars.
It was beautiful. Like a galaxy in the night sky, but so much brighter and warmer.
A leviathan saved him.
He lived with her ever since. The leviathan was like his grandmother, ancient and wise. She taught him to hunt for food, starting from krills. As he grew, he moved on to larger prey, like icefish and penguins. Eventually, he could hunt seals and colossal squids.
Ikal liked it the most when the leviathan taught him the songs of her kin. She was always amused by his various efforts to mimic the different vocalizations, from low rumbles to high-pitched chirps. He had a certain talent for this.
Together, they traveled the vast seas.
One day, the hunters came. Brandishing their weapons, they chased the leviathan into the harsh depths.
Ikal tried to stop them, but the hunters seized him.
Eventually, they drove her into a massive brine pool.
He gasped in terror as he saw the leviathan convulsed from toxic shock. Then, there was blood spilling like dark clouds.
The hunters returned to the city, taking Ikal with them. Bound by barbed chains, the merfolks paraded the leviathan around the streets.
They reached the town square. A dozen merfolks lined up at the center with an assortment of tools nearby.
The crowd watched as the merfolks methodically cut into the leviathan, dividing her into pieces. It was almost like a performance.
Her life slowly slipped away, snuffing out the countless pinpricks of bioluminescence on her body bit by bit.
Ikal struggled against his captors. His screams were muffled by a gag.
He would never forget this.
For years, Ikal trained. He became skilled enough to be chosen as a candidate for the upcoming Games.
All the while, he feigned compliance.
He made the merfolks believe that the leviathan abducted him, that he was glad to be freed.
Discreetly, he visited the leviathans of the five oceans.
He spoke to the Patriarch, who had grown old and weary, wishing to end the constant abuse.
Then, he spoke to the queen of lava serpents. The colony would wipe out the hunters after they entered their nest.
He learned from many other leviathans.
Eventually, he found out about the abyssal worm. He just needed to entice the canyon kingdom into investigating it.
The Games began. Ikal's plan was set into motion.
As the hunters focused on pursuing the Patriarch, Ikal commanded creatures of the depths to take out the echolocating merfolks. He snuck up to the rest, killing them in the dark.
He was able to click in a frequency unheard by others. His slender body produced minimal disturbance in the water as he swam. With his size and strength, he had no problem slaughtering most merfolks.
In the volcanic caverns, he worked with the lava serpents. They would block tunnels and jostle walls, trapping the hunters.
One by one, he would pin the hunters down and feel them squirm. Then, he would gut them with his dagger, watching with glee as the innards spilled into the water.
It was almost as entertaining as their frenzied swimming when they were being boiled alive.
He effortlessly evaded Lamni as she lunged at him, knowing that the toxin had spread through her system. He didn't think that Lamni deserves a warrior's end, so he simply poisoned her.
He traveled the seas, surveying the ruins of the merfolk nations. The worms wouldn't survive as adults in shallower waters. He must make sure that the other leviathans destroy the merfolks before they had a chance to recover.
He let out a great wail, mirroring the one from the Patriarch in his death throes.
The tyranny has come to an end.
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Hello there Saizen! You asked me to check out your story...so here I am!! By the way, let me just start off by hooking the reader in just with three words! 'The Leviathan Games'. I don't know about any other readers, but honestly, this sounds really intriguing to me! The quality of the title and writing should honestly be published in a book!
Something else I want to mention when reading the prompt you chose for your story was that you built the right amount of action, adventure, a lot of suspense, and mystery! While reading, it felt like a really adventurous movie to me! You did a really great job when building all of those emotions while the characters were making life or death decisions.
Overall, you did a great job! :)
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I really liked it. It had a really cool vibe to it. I am not going to go into detail about what other people have said.
You covered too much ground in too few words. To cover one game done right is your 3k. Your notes are really interesting but should be in the story. Your language is succint and to the point, which I like. I would of struggled with 200 words devoted to a sea shell.
The twist at the end was great. It made me think of an old sci fi novel, called The Kraken Wakes by John Wyndham it reads a little dated due to it being 70 years old but he does some fantastic world building in it using very little information and high concepts. You should check it out. At the end I only cared about the anti-hero. If you rework this or expand it (and you should) that's your main character. Let them drive the story.
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Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad that this is a story you like despite its length and fullness.
I'm also very happy that you've read my notes. If I were to expand on this story in the future, I'd definitely include them in the story itself.
For now, those notes are like my reasoning behind the world-building. Like, beneath the aesthetics, there must a logical explanation as to why things are.
I'm glad you liked Ikal. I was worried that he may be too dark and sadistic to be likeable. But in my mind it made sense because of his upbringing and experience.
I agree that I cover too much ground with too little words. I sort of just made it as a micro-novel. I do have some plans to expand on it, so that it has a full-length, unabridged version.
Once again, thank you for your thoughts. I'll check out The Kraken Wakes.
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Hey Saizen, You reviewed my story so I'm returning the favor. :)
firstly, I adore this concept. Merfolk are always not something you see written about beyond sirens or "teenage girl becomes pretty mermaid" so the way you set up this world and the types of merfolk that live in it great! I also love the idea of the games and the Olympics like nature of them. The whole way through I felt engaged and immersed in the world around the characters. The story is exceptionally interesting as well. You seem very good at writing fast-paced action without losing the audience and, coming up with realistic ways that these scenes play out.
I do feel though, that it lacked a central theme. You opened with Ikal at first so, when you switched to Lamni halfway through, It was a bit disorienting. I think that staying on either Lamni or Ikal for the whole thing, or at least until Ikal's past is revealed, it would give the story a better focus and show us who we are meant to be rooting for primarily.
Additionally, while the twist is clever, I don't quite follow how he went from struggling and screaming at the leviathan's death to convince them he was abducted. Even if the other merfolk thought it was Stockholm syndrome, it seems like the merfolk would have been suspicious of him for quite a while.
Also, while I love the concept and the twist at the end, I think that the whole of it was too much to put into a short story without losing some of it along the way. I would have loved to stay with the action sequences longer. I think that either focusing on the games or Ikal's story through them would have made it more cohesive and less packed with information. It would be an amazing novel! (I remember you telling me your stories are condensed from novels)
The title is called the Leviathan games but, by the end of the story, I'm still not entirely sure what a Leviathan in this universe is or if it's different from the original Jewish version. The Patriarch, particularly, suffers from this lack of description because we are not exactly sure why he's dangerous and why they hunt him, especially if he "commands respect."
Lastly, I would have liked to have more backstory on the games and why they hunt these creatures in particular.
That all being said, the world is fascinating and very engaging, I hope I'll get to see more of it in the future someday.
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Hi there, thanks for the thorough review. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story and pondered upon it.
To address your feedbacks:
- I've had several feedbacks about the lack of focus between characters. I think this is something I definitely have to improve on. You made a good suggestion there.
Though, my original intention was to let the reader decide on who they want to root for.
The duality of Ikal and Lamni illustrates that. That is why we have Lamni being badass slaying sea monsters with Ikal feeling sorry for them, particularly the butchered Patriarch city scene. Though I'll admit, that's hardly elaborated enough.
- About how Ikal managed to convince the merfolks. I should've elaborated a little more, but it was across the timeframe of many years. He feigned compliance, faking that gentle shy guy persona, and convinced everyone he's an innocent victim.
- Leviathans are basically just sea monsters that are at least several times bigger than the biggest merfolks. Kinda like how we use behemoths to refer to huge beasts.
- The Patriarch commands respect from the sea creatures, which merfolks consider themselves not a part of. Kinda like humans tend to consider themselves above animals.
Essentially, hunting the Patriarch and other leviathans is like trophy hunting. Think Princess Mononoke where the humans hunt the forest gods.
Once more, I express my gratitude for the critical thinking you had about my story.
If you're interested, you can scroll down the comments, I have some world-building notes and Reedsy tend to put author's comment at the bottom.
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Ah! That makes it clearer.
About the notes: I'm jealous of your knack for world-building and the detail you get into with it, I'm really looking forward to reading more submissions from you :)
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Really original concept which is hard to pull off. Feels like you could make a novel here it's very dense for a short story. Not a bad thing but I feel if you expanded this it could be a great long form story. I know that's not possible here so well done. Check out my submission if you get chance love to know what you think!
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Sure thing. Don't forget to like my story if you do like them!
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Oh yeah forgot that bit. Done.
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Ooh I love all the nods to marine biology, especially the pyrosomes. This felt like a like a novel of epic proportions compressed into 3000 words, which is an impressive feat but at the same time makes for a somewhat bloated story. Donβt get me wrong, this was an extraordinary readβI just felt like I wasnβt sure which character I was supposed to focus on because it opens with Ikal but then shifts to other merfolk before looping back to Ikal. Not to mention, when Sela was suddenly introduced somewhere in the middle.
I lost it but I think thereβs a part where you mention Ikal βstrolledβ through the streets. In my head merfolk have fish tails, unless they donβt and have legs that they use to stroll.
Anyway, I thought the worldbuilding was very strong. The writing style you use is simple, clear and to the point, which means the reader never misconstrues what is going onβsomething very crucial in story with lots of fantasy concepts. It reminds me of Brandon Sanderson! And itβs very different to my own writing style.
Kudos π
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Thanks for the feedback!
By strolling I meant going about leisurely. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll keep that in mind and research about the words for their precise meanings in the future.
My intention was to write a microscopic novel. I sort of just condensed like 40k of ramblings I wrote in a short time into 3k, so I guess that makes it bloated. Thanks for letting me know.
One challenge of condensing stuff is that I have to convert elaborations into minor details that might be easy to miss. I actually mentioned that Jerun has decorations from head-to-tail after I realized there's no reference to tail in the story.
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This story is honestly SO creative! I've seen a lot of life or death tournaments in books and movies but never underwater with merfolk, which is really cool.
I love the characters but the only problem was that I couldn't tell which was the main character. I know it's Ikal, but then the story focused on Lamni in the middle, and then Ikal became the like the villain or anti-hero. It was kinda confusing, but at the same time very intriguing and different (in a good way).
Also, the vocabulary was extremely rich and I love the word choice throughout the story. It's very professional and well-written.
One note though, you wrote "Then, walls shook around her." There's nothing wrong with this, it's just that I felt like it wasn't as dramatic as the rest of the phrases you wrote. If it was me, I would write "Then, the walls started shaking like there was an underwater earthquake!" Something like that that would create more suspense and add a little flavour.
I really liked the names you chose; "Ikal, Lamni, Leviathan, etc.." Super creative, where do you get these ideas LOL.
But overall, I really enjoyed this story, so much suspense and action that someone would expect from this prompt. Great job!π
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Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you like the story:)
About the etymology, I'll admit I'm a little lazy this time and actually borrowed real life words. Here, I'll reveal my secrets:
Lamni - From Lamna, meaning fish of prey in Greek.
Ikal - From Ikan, meaning fish in Malay.
Jerun - From Jerung, meaning shark in Malay
Sela - From Selachii, scientific name for the clade of sharks
About the characters, I agree there's quite a bit to juggle. My intention was that Ikal is the anti-hero (hero with villainous elements), Lamni is the anti-villain (villain with heroic elements).
I try to balance out the two sides, because killing leviathans like an rpg is cool and all, but it's also literal animal cruelty.
That said, I'll keep that in mind in the future so readers don't get confused.
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That's smart for the names :0 Ikal being the anti-hero makes a lot of sense. Great story, keep it up!π
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This was a really interesting story, you have a lot of great content here! I really like the world that you've built, you did a fantastic job with it. I honestly feel like you have the frame for an awesome series from this story alone, no joke.
Mermaids/men/people never really get the novel treatment, and I thought it was a refreshing take. I also like how you made Ikal turn to the side of the leviathans, I thought it was well done.
I do have a couple of minor suggestions for you:
Must be from one of the reef nations. He thought.
Using a comma instead of a period prior to a dialogue tag makes it easier to discern for the reader to figure out who is doing the thinking.
'Must be from one of the reef nations,' he thought.
I'd also consider adding some dialogue tags to the middle/later portions of the story if the word count allows for it, especially in the scenes with two or more people. It makes it a lot easier for the reader to differentiate who's doing the talking.
Anyways, keep up the great work. I look forward to reading more of your stories! :D
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Thanks so much for the review!
I've updated according to your suggestions. Aside from the writing style, I hope there aren't any logical flaws.
I'm glad you like the story. The duality of Ikal and Lamni is an interesting part. I set both of them up with those cool protagonist factors, as well as villainous elements. In the end, I'd like the readers to decide whose side they're on.
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Another fun world-building exercise! I left out many less plot-relevant details to keep the word count, so if you're interested I'll answer in the comments.
I tried to imply this in the story, but the merfolks are based on sharks:
Lamni - Great white (I hope it's somewhat obvious)
Ikal - Sleeper shark (Looks derpy but surprisingly powerful) plus some frilled shark features
Jerun/Sela - Reef sharks
Please let me know if that fits your visualization. I'd like some feedback on that.
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AWESOME STORY!!! I AM SPEECHLESS RIGHT NOW!!!! GREAT JOB!!!
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Thanks!! I'm glad you enjoyed!
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Again, I really like your style. Your writing is very clean, so is the world building. Despite the mixture of mythologies, the underwater world you created felt very cohesive. Cool Read!
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Thanks for reading! Glad you liked my style.
I'll soon post a new one, but it's still a work in progress. I'll let you know when it's done.
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Cool! I am very excited to read it! I just posted a new story as well, but it's more like long form poetry. I am terrible at plots.
One technical Question: I am new to Reedsy and I was wondering if it is possible to edit a post after you have submitted it?
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Yes, but before it gets approved.
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Thanks!
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So here we go...
I could honestly copy and paste my critique from your other story here, and it would fit perfectly.
Pros? Interesting worldbuilding, dark antiplot.
Cons? Far too much plot for a short story, unclear movement, lack of solid description for what's going on.
Advice? Create your plot, and then pick a single event that you want to portray. Save the rest for a series, or a full-length novel. Write that one event as beautifully as you can, with all the details you want and feel you should include. I would've divided that single plot into five or six parcels of 3,000 words. This also allows you to get much deeper into your characters. Basically, we don't care if Lamni dies, because we've never had a chance to connect with the character, to feel what they feel. Her death was an emotionless experience... which it shouldn't be.
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I don't know what you meant by copy pasting critique. Please be clear.
- Everything's written in past tense. Should not have more than minor mistakes.
- Yes, I do change POV because I want to portray different merfolks. Though I agree that it splits the character development for each.
- Just because I don't use a lot of flowery words and metaphors to describe stuff doesn't mean I'm 'telling' and not 'showing'. It's an author's personal style and I don't feel like spending 200 words on a seashell.
Like, stating that Ikal was disoriented by the Scarlet Reef city implied that its a colorfully overwhelming place. I still don't care what the city smells like though, maybe I should include description of smell next time.
Instead of infodumping on the Patriach's or the worm's appearance, it's shown through Lamni's interaction with him.
Did I say "Lamni is a boisterous but level-headed warrior who may be rough on the edges and depise weakness, but genuinely cares about her companions"? No, I shown it through her actions and interactions.
Did I say "Ikal is a sly, manipulative assassin who has a sadistic streak?" Again, no.
I do agree that the short length of the novel makes things crammed. But it was my intention to portray a full story, sort of a micro novel. In other words, I like to make a mini cake, rather than a slice of cake. I am working on a full-length version of it.
- I don't understand how there's unclear movement and lack of solid description of what's going on.
It's pretty straightforward: The merfolks had a trophy hunting game, the story depicts the 3 games with hints of something malicious going on, and finally the downfall of the merfolks caused by their penchant for trophy hunting.
Finally thanks for your feedback. Although our styles differ and we don't see eye to eye, I'm grateful that you manage to take a look at my story. Hope I don't come off as unnecessarily harsh, I sort of just want to make things clear. Feedbacks are important to me, as they are a gateway to the perspectives of different readers.
If you haven't, you can take a look at my author's notes at the bottom of comments. They are my world-building reasonings behind the aesthetics featured in the story.
Once again, thanks for your time.
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What I meant by copy/pasting critique is that you make the same exact mistakes as in your other stories.
I did read all your comments before reading the story.
Here; I selected a particular passage from your story to show how you aren't displaying the spacial aspect of your story correctly:
"The teams spread out into the open ocean, each with their hunting beasts. They stalked the Patriarch from afar, carefully approaching him from all directions.
Abruptly, the Patriarch dove.
Atop their mounts, the hunters pursued at full speed and rapidly descended.
Soon, it was pitch black. Their luminescent orbs could hardly light the way. They heard eerie noises from strange unseen critters.
There were several hunters with echolocation abilities. The teams merged into larger groups, each with one of them for navigation."
You never described how they got there in the first place. Where is the Patriarch in relation to where they start? You also never describe the Patriarch himself/itself, or the stalking. We have a very difficult time imagining this scene. In addition, you put here that the hunters have both mounts, and hunting beasts--what's going on here?
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Because they have both mounts and hunting beasts. Like how people used to hunt with dogs while riding on horses.
I didn't feel the need to spell out everything explicitly, but I'll keep that in mind so that general audiences can understand.
Open ocean is just, open ocean. It's not like on land where there's specific features, it's literally just a water column of nothingness.
Basically, the Patriarch is in the pelagic zone, the hunters depart to patrol the pelagic zone, as hunting beasts were mentioned, so we know how they find his general location. Scent doesn't work on specific, fast moving object.
I did describe the Patriarch, the readers know that 1. He's big, 2. He has serrated teeth, 3. He has a head and spine, 4. He can use echolocation.
I didn't feel the need to describe him specifically, whether he looked like Moby Dick or a Mosasaur didn't matter in the story.
But I definitely agree that including his appearance is easier for readers to visualize.
Many novels didn't exactly describe how beings look anyways. Like what does Sauron look like? If you just read the book you wouldn't have a concrete image but a vague image of what he's like, the rest is up to imagination.
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The key to Sauron is his reputation. In addition, Tolkien describes the Eye of Sauron in great detail. Honestly, Tolkien describes everything in great detail, as was the convention of the times.
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He didn't describe everything in great detail, if that's so LoTR would be 10 books. He selected what's important, and then described it in great detail.
For example, he never mentioned that Legolas was actually blond.
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World-building details:
- Travelling underwater is much faster than travelling on land, because they can basically 'fly'. Hence the convoy can cover 3 Oceans within the duration of the Games. Which is most likely less than a year in total.
- Merfolks have tools made of stones and metal. Bone/shell/coral alone are too brittle, although common tools are made with them. They made it with underwater volcanoes. Iron Archipelago is known for their metalworks.
- Large bones are valuable resources, since they don't have trees. Corals and sponges are used to make some less sturdy stuff, such as parts of a building where the structure doesn't rely on.
Many of their tools are made with bones. The handle of weapons, the ballista to hunt Patriarch, and etc.
- This is also one of reasons the Nomads are nomads. Aside from being based on pelagic sharks, they're also too big to find bones large enough to build any large permanent settlements.
They could use stones but it's harder to build a lot of buildings with those.
Leviathans are creatures many times bigger than the biggest merfolks. Most of them require centuries or millennia to grow to that size. Soft-bodied leviathans can grow pretty fast but alas they have no bones.
The Nomads do provide reef nations with large bones of creatures they hunt, and in return acquire metal tools from them.
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