Obsessions

This story contains mentions of self harm and mental health issues.

"Why doesn't..." Jessica sat on the edge of a twin bed in a college dorm with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I met Jessica in 6th grade, we were 11. I remember sitting next to her in science class and I used all my 11 yr old charisma to make her my friend instantly.

She seemed to like me and the feeling was mutual, she was really funny and easy to talk to. She wasn't as immature as all the other kids I hung out with. But soon I realized that Jessica had some real issues.

She took band in 6th grade. Soon after her first class she started to talk about the band teacher, Mr. Smith.

She talked about Mr. Smith every day. It was obvious to me and our friends that she had a massive crush on the band teacher.

Soon it went from every single thing that happened in the class to over analyzing simple interactions she had with him. She talked about Mr. Smith as if he was some older high school boy she was was crushing on. She even started calling him by his first name, "Tom."

Jessica would tell me about these dreams she would have about "Tom." These dreams were usually always sexual and I never believed for a second she was actually having this many sex dreams. I think she was just thinking up scenarios in her head at night and masquerading them as dreams just to talk about her fantasies.

The Mr. Smith obsession went on for three years. In 8th grade Mr. Smith became our arts and humanities teacher. I had the class with Jessica. The way this middle school girl would watch this man was insane. It was like they were the only two in the class room as far as she was concerned. She never took her eyes off him. I would watch Mr. Smith to see if he noticed her. If he did he never let on.

In fact, despite having Jessica in band Mr. Smith never paid any special attention to the girl. Sometimes, Jessica would say that he was mad at her and she would cut her wrists as a way to deal with it. When I asked her why she thought he was mad she would say because he was ignoring her.

One morning I walked up on mutual friends who said they overheard Jessica and Mr. Smith "breaking up" in the hall. They said they heard Mr. Smith say, "Jessica, I can't do this anymore." Which I took to mean that he knew what was going on. Or at least he probably had some idea.

It turns out that those mutual friends had gone to the principal and told them all about Jessica's obsession with Mr. Smith and her self harm because of it. Which was the right thing to do if those girls hadn't just done it for shits and giggles.

Mr. Smith quit that job and went to work in a different county. The school put Jessica in therapy for a total of three hours and decided she was fine. I know that it'd be easy to look back on this now as an adult and assume that Mr. Smith was guilty of some kind of inappropriate behavior towards Jessica but I don't think Mr. Smith was guilty of anything.

It was common knowledge that Mr. Smith was gay.

After Mr. Smith was gone we went to high school. Jessica's already low status in popularity dropped after the Mr. Smith fiasco and she was subject to bullying. Jessica stayed pretty dedicated to band and she intended to go college and become a band teacher. She said she wanted to come back to our little town and teach but I thought this was a way she'd thought up to stay close to Mr. Smith.

In high school there was a goofy science teacher, Mr. Johnson. As soon as we had his class it was like Mr. Smith never existed. Jessica would constantly talk about "Kyle" as she called him.

It was the same exact thing with Mr. Smith, calling him by his first name, making up fake scenarios and constantly talking about him. Mr. Johnson was a very friendly, outgoing teacher. Jessica found out that he liked Star Trek and began to immerse herself in everything Star Trek, becoming a mega-fan in about a week. She had Star Trek merchandise and knew everything about the franchise.

Jessica asked me to come over to her house for a sleepover. She said we'd watch movies and play music but instead she talked about Mr. Johnson the entire time. At one point I quit trying to change the subject and quit talking all together. She told me about every interaction they'd ever had and would ask me over and over if I thought there was a chance they would be together when she turned eighteen. Or even before then. When I would tell her that I didn't think that was going to happen and that she had some issues she needed to work out for even having these thoughts, it was in one ear and out the other. She'd just keep talking. When it was time to go to bed and she started talking about her sexual fantasies with "Kyle" I pretended to be asleep. I blew my cover trying to sneak a Dorito. It was like she didn't care that I wasn't responding or that I thought it was strange, she just wanted to talk to someone about it. So, I stayed quiet and listened until she fell asleep.

At the end of Junior year Jessica had small little spurts of normal where she was really funny and a great kid to hang out with. But that never lasted very long until she was back on the topic of Mr. Johnson. She asked me if I wanted to come with her to a summer program that helped you apply to colleges. I didn't want to room with Jessica for two months because I knew exactly what it was going to be, but at the time I was trying to get my teenage life together and spending a summer traveling and looking at colleges was just what I needed.

When we got there she was pretty normal and I was hopeful. Then there was Jack.

Jack was a 27 year old law student who was one of the adults in charge of us kids. It was the same thing as before except Jack was different. He was younger than the teachers and she could relate more to him. In our down time Jessica was right beside him and they'd talk the entire time. Jessica even mentioned dropping music and trying for a career in law. Like Jack. Jessica spent entire days by Jack's side, laughing and talking.

One night she came back to our room and was talking about Jack, as usual, when she suddenly went quiet. I turned to find her sitting on the edge of the twin bed silently crying.

"What's wrong, Jessica."

"Why," she hiccupped, "why doesn't..."

"What?"

She screeched and my soul left my body.

This was the way it went every night when we came back to our room. It was heartbreaking. Trying to console her was damn near impossible. It was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't hear a word I said. I thought about calling her mother but she beat me to it. While she was on the phone with her mom she would scream and cry about Jack. Her mother was in the same position I was.

The fact that Jessica was underage probably had a lot to do with why Jack didn't love her. Or maybe it was because he was gay.

Trying to tell Jessica that Jack was gay, or Mr. Smith, was met with many different reactions. She would deny that they were gay and proceed to make up stories where these men had flirted with her, therefore they couldn't be gay. Or she'd get angry. Or she'd just ignore it.

Once we were back in school for our senior year, I didn't see much of Jessica but when I did talk to her it was clear that Jack was old news and her Mr. Johnson obsession was back in full swing.

When we graduated high school I didn't hear from Jessica for four years. She contacted me and asked if we could catch up and I agreed. Jessica had become really successful in her musical education. She traveled the country and even the world.

When we met she was actually very normal. We kept in contact and would hang out occasionally. She was fun and she seemed happy. I was so proud to see what she had grown into and wondered what had changed in the four years since she was screaming and crying uncontrollably.

We went for a drink one night and she mentioned she'd met someone in college. To my surprise she had been dating this person for over a year yet this was the first time I was hearing about him.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I jokingly nudged her.

"Well," Jessica shrugged, "because he's my therapist."

"Oh, well, that's-"

Jessica launched into a two hour play-by-play of the relationship, and despite the familiar undertone I couldn't help but think that this Dr. Morgan was doing something right.