Lost
By: Haripriya
βAre you sure we are not lost?β I asked, looking panicked.Β
Β I was going to faint any second now.Β Β
βNo! Youβre being silly, thatβs all! Besides, just because we didnβt go to the cabins like we were supposed to doesnβt automatically make us lost!β Navya said, her voice trembling with fear.Β Β
I knew that she was scared, but just trying to hide the fact that there was no hope.Β
βPlease, tell me the truth, we are lost, arenβt we? Donβt lie to me, it is not the time to look out for my feelings. You need to be straight up honest with me.β I told her in a firm voice.Β
βFine, I guess... that we are... kind of lost,β she admitted.Β Β
βWhat do you mean kind of lost?β I asked her.Β
βI mean that we arenβt fully lost,β she said.Β
βJust admit the fact that we are lost. I promise that I wonβt make a big scene.β I promised her.Β
βOk, yes, we are lost. I am sorry, we shouldnβt have wandered off into the woods to find my necklace. I am even more sorry for dragging you into this. Now we are both going to be a grizzly bearβs dinner because of me.β Navya spoke sadly.Β
βLetβs try not to get ahead of ourselves. It wasnβt completely pointless that we got lost when looking for your necklace...β I told her, trying to comfort her.Β
βOh really? Then where is my necklace?β she asked me.Β
βWell... if we look closer, then we can maybe...β I started speaking, but Navya interrupted me.Β
βNO! We canβt find it. Again, I am so sorry. I feel like such a bad friend. We should have been sleeping in our old bunk beds, instead, we are in the woods in the middle of the night just because of a necklace.β Navya said.Β
βLook, Navya, donβt be so harsh on yourself! I know that you never meant for any of this to happen. We can just stick together and try to get out of here before anyone realizes that we are missing.β I said.Β
βHow come I totally forgot?! I bet our camp counselors already know that we are missing! Then, they will let the entire camp know, meaning our reputation is ruined. Also, the camp counselors will notify our parents, and we can get in serious trouble. But thatβs only if we reach home. If we donβt, then we are doomed.β Navya panicked.Β
βIt looks like you are more scared than I am.β I joked.Β
But she had a slight chance of being right. There might be ways that everyone already knew about our disappearance. Also, we are lost in the woods! The worst place to be lost! I did learn a thing or two from our camp survival class. For example, if a bear comes towards you, then slowly move back without moving a sound. If it keeps coming towards you, then act like you are dead. When it goes away from you, slowly get back up. But I donβt know if this is going to be enough.Β
Suddenly, Navya stumbled upon something. Something which sounded like two rocks colliding.Β
βOww!! What is that? Is that a snake? Is that a raccoon? Is that a bear cub?β Navya worried.Β
βNo Navya! How could it be an animal? It sounded more like a brick. Here, gather some flint stones and rub them together to create friction. We can create some fire to finally see everything.β I advised.Β
βI guess youβre right. Iβll go find some rocks.β Navya replied.Β
As we both found some rocks, I fell too.Β
βYouβre right! It hurts kind of like I just fell on top of a boulder or something.β I wailed.Β Β
βI know, right? I hope youβre ok, I will just rub the stones and make the fire.β Navya said.Β
I wanted to help her but was too weak to even get up. I tried, but I fell right like how I fell before. It was no use.Β
Click!Β
βThere! Looks like that survival class back at camp was useful after all!β Navya replied.Β Β
βYeah, youβre...β I started talking but couldnβt believe what I just saw.Β Β
βWhat happened Nia?β she asked me.Β
βGravestones! Look behind you Navya! We stumbled on gravestones! Weβre in a... graveyard!!β I shrieked.Β
βAAAHHHH! How did we get here?? Right when I was kind of feeling a little better about the fact that we were lost!β Navya shouted.Β
βI know your petrified, and trust me, I am too. But we canβt shout. It will wake up all the βyou know whoβ and we will be in their tummies before we can even scream for help.β I whispered.Β
βThis is so unfair! I feel so confused, scared, kind of jumpy, and... confused! Wait, did I already say confused?β Navya whispered back.Β
βYes Navya!β I groaned.Β
βI guess we have to spend the night here, in this graveyard,β I admitted.Β
βI hate to admit this, but yeah. Where else can we go? We are already lost in the woods, and I donβt even remember which direction we went, right or left! Or was it behind? I don't know. You see! Spending the night here wonβt be so bad I guess, because I am spending the night with you, my best friend. I wonβt feel so scared.β Navya told me.Β
βYou really think so?β I asked.Β
βOf course. If I am ever lost again, I would pray that I would be lost with you. Not that you also get lost, but... well you know what I mean.β Navya whispered.Β
βYes. I am so happy that I am with you. I guess this graveyard isnβt the worst place to be, because it is not where you are that matters, but who you are with. I am with my best friend, so I kind of feel like I am home, in a way.β I replied.Β
βOh look!! Did you see that shooting star! I am going to make a wish!β Navya told me.Β
βI am too,β I said.Β
I wish that Navya and I stay best friends forever. Also, I wish that we get out of this scary place because it is kind of getting a bit scary spending the night in this graveyard.Β
~The End~Β
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45 comments
Hello everyone!! I want your opinion on if Navya and Nia's story about getting lost seemed interesting to all of you? Do you guys predict that Navya and Nia are going to be stuck in the graveyard? Did you like their journey of stumbling on the gravestones? Do you have any suggestions and/or feedback on how I can improve? π
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Hey Haripriya :) I agree with Raquel about the showing and not telling. Your story will have more of an impact if you help people to really be immersed in it, and showing does a great job of doing that. I also noticed that you have a tendency to tell through the dialogue between Nayva and Nia as well. This makes their dialogue seem very forced and formal rather than as the best friends they are. In future, I scheme you should use your dialogue as a normal conversation between your characters that adds to the plot, but the details you includ...
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Thank you so much! I will definitely include more showing and telling next time!!
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Hey, Haripriya! I was reading your story, and I love the names, though some people don't like it when the MC (main character) and the SC (secondary character) have the same first letter in their name, because of mix-ups. Clearly, this didn't happen here, so you're good this time! :) So, first thing, you do A LOT of telling in here. I usually tell more than I show, and I'm trying to work on that, so I thought you should know too. One notable showing instead of telling is: 'I was going to faint any second now.' You should explain ho...
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Hello there!! I will definitely add more showing! Also, it's not really set in a country... I might have to think about that, but thanks!! :)
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Oh, well, I just wanted to let you know that flint stone is mostly found in South East U.S. and Mid West, so just a suggestion, maybe you could do it there! :)
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Oh! Thanks for idea! :)
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You're welcome :)
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Hi nice story you have hereβ€
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Thanks! :)
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I love the ending! It finished so nicely and professionally
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Aww...thanks! :)
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Np
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I don't think ive checked this story out or most of your stories out, so here I am ^^ I think that this was a really great story and I also really liked the names for the characters, Ill give this a 10/10 :)
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Hello Blair! Thank you for stopping and reading this! I appreciate your kind words! :)
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No prob ^^ could you maybe check out some of my other stories and leave some feedback?
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Sure! (Just, not right now... I am in school) :)
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thats completely fine ^^
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Thanks for being so understanding! :)
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Hey Haripriya! I have some extra time on my hands and I thought I'd come back for a more helpful critique and praise. ;) I really loved the dialogue between your characters! It made it feel so real! Also, I loved your ending!! There were a few grammatical issues that I thought I'd let you know about! Here, gather some flint stones and rub them together to create friction. - change 'flint stones' to 'flintstones' βYes Navya!β - add a comma after 'Yes' That's it! Wonderful job! Keep up the fantastic work!
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Thank you so much! :)
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No problem!!
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:)
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Wow, such a sweet story.
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Thanks! :)
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The storyline is fine for me I want to know what happens next. Most stories have an ending readers either consider happy or acceptable. Stories with a bad ending donβt always have good reviews. Stories kind of represent life. People prefer a happy ending to life events. Thereβs already enough misery to go around. The story flowed well but Iβm more interested in stories then grammar. Have you ever used a writing app? I personally like Pro Writing Aid. Check them out and see what you think. Good luck! Robert
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Hello there! Thank you for your kind words! I will surely check 'Pro Writing Aid' out! Thanks for the suggestion! :)
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If it helps here is a link. https://prowritingaid.com/en/App/Purchase?afid=9573&vc= Heres a code for 20% off if you are interested. AIUGPJIBBF
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Was expecting the story to get spooky as they stumbled upon a graveyard but it just got more lighter. From their dialogue, I am assuming the two girls to be kids. They just seem so flippant with the whole thing.
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:)
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Hello Haripriya! A fun little tale! I enjoyed it! The dialogue was natural and flowed well, and I could truly feel the building hysteria. A few small gramatical recurrences to point out, βJust admit the fact that we are lost. I promise that I wonβt try to make a big scene.β I promised her. - 'I promise that I won't make a big scene.' or, "I promise I will try not to make a big scene.' would work better. If we donβt then we are doomed.β Navya panicked. - comma after don't. βI guess youβre right. Iβll go find some rocks.β Navya ...
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Hello there!! Thank you so much for telling me what to fix! I appreciate it!! I am excited to read your new story on Daayans!! :D
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I love this Haripriya!!!
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Awww!! No problem!! I'm glad you liked this! :)
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Hi Laila! I too hope that Nia and Navya stay best friends forever. Yes it seems so creepy to get lost in a graveyard! Nice!
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Thank you so much for the read! Also, I hope too! :)
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π
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:)
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Hi Haripriya, I did think the story was interesting, but it would have been more interesting with more showing rather than telling, as mentioned by other commenters, and if it was longer. I also would prefer that the story didn't end with them still lost. Here are a few suggestions for changes to improve the grammatical structure of your story: 1) Whenever you have someone speaking and then a dialogue tag such as "Navya said," there should not be a period before the dialogue tag, which is technically part of the same sentence even if th...
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Hello Clara! I LOVED your critique/comment! Thank you so much for taking the time in writing such deep thoughtful words about my story. Also, the last thing you mentioned...well I like to add "The End" to my story. Just like a personal thing. That's all. Again, thank you for writing such a beautiful comment! :)
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Thank you! Your call about ending with "The End." There's nothing wrong with it. It's just extra, but if it makes you happy, then go ahead.
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No problem! Also, thanks for understanding! :)
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