260 comments

Adventure Fantasy

This has something to do with the novel that i'll be working on soon that i think that i'll be calling 'demi-god savior?' this isn't the exact stuff that will happen but eh. I'm just trying to make some stories now and i hope that you enjoy.

Mika. Ryder. The two of them had been friend's for as long as they could remember, almost since birth. At least that's what Ryder liked to tell her.

Though in a way he WAS kinda true about that. They had met after a week after birth, that was close enough. They had met each other that early because they shared a...future.

Mika's parent's had someone come into the hospital right after her birth, she was kind of like a fortune teller. Even then the fortune teller lady had also done this with Mika's mother and even father. Though it was nothing interesting for them.

Though she had a really...interesting future. "What do you mean by that? She CAN'T go and do that!" Her father didn't like it. It had been this way in the world for over two decades, their daughter wasn't going to ruin it.

The Fortune Teller sighed and spoke again, "I've told you, your daughter...Mika will grow up to free the demi-gods. I don't think there's a way to stop it."

"What about the god's?? Like Zeus, Athena, all of them! they're also keeping the demi-gods like this, our daughter can't possibly stop them to help the others."

The fortune teller remained silent as she started to walk out of the house. She turned around and stopped at the front door then she spoke, "Even them."

Mika's parent's had waited a while, maybe some other kid had the same future. Or maybe the fortune teller was wrong with this one thing, They didn't always have to be right with things. They could make small mistakes.

It had been a while until her mother got a call from one of her friend's. Their son, Ryder, apparently had the same future as their daughter. This was bad. The fortune teller told the same future to different people?

They wanted to believe that it wasn't their kid's but they just couldn't. It would have been good if the future they learned wasn't with their kid's, but even then the future would be bad. Who would want to FREE the demi-gods?

Who know's what they would even do if they were all freed. They could go after the mortals. Well, even if it wasn't a bad thing like that, they still weren't going to let them be free. They knew what they could do.

"Mika, come on! We don't need to listen to that thing the fortune teller told us, we can do whatever we want. We're both eighteen!" Ryder told her. He HATED that someone was telling him what to do.

Ever since the both of them were around two years old, their parent's were kind of controlling in a way. There were areas nearby where demi-god's were being held to do whatever the lead mortal- or maybe even what a god said.

No one was going to be able to enslave a god. They'd probably get killed from attempting it. Though the mortal's AND the god's reached an agreement a few years into the demi-god enslavement.

The mortal's AND the god's didn't really like the demi-gods- even if they WERE a kid of one of them. They still didn't like the demi-god child, especially Zeus.

The god's and goddesses agreed to help enslave the demi-gods while not enslaving or killing the mortals. The mortal's agreed not to try and really do anything that came to mind to the god's and goddesses.

What else could they even promise? They were just mortals, they didn't really have a lot.

"How do you suppose we even stop our FUTURE, Ryder? and come on, don't you feel at least a small bit bad for them?"

"Come on, we don't HAVE to listen to a stupid fortune teller, she could even be wrong about it!"

While they used to not be allowed to go to those demi-god areas their parent's were letting them go to SOME small areas with them. Though only if they'd tell them or something. They didn't wanna be so strict and they still thought that the future could possibly be with someone else.

Though still, even if it WASN'T them, they'd still need to try and find out who the future belonged to. Maybe they could go get rid of them, or keep them locked up in their house. This was still a bad future for them.

Mika sighed as she pushes Ryder aside and starts to dig through a drawer nearby. He watched in silence as she wrote something down on a piece of paper and then set it down on the kitchen table.

She waved back at him without saying anything and ran through the front door of the house. He already knew where she was going but he took a look at the note. 'going to see the demi-god's, be back soon. -Mika"

"Wait, Mika!" he called out, "You don't have to give in to that future! do whatever you want, don't listen to it" why would anyone want to even free the demi-gods??

The nearest demi-god area was actually really close, while the two of them were still running, they could see it up ahead. A bit far back from that one they could see a much smaller one. Maybe around ten demi-gods there.

He managed to catch up with her and grab her hand before they reached the entrance. No one saw them yet luckily, the entrance was a large metal door that had a scanner you needed to use to get in.

"Mika...come on! you don't have to do this just because of a stupid fortune teller said so."

"i'm not doing it because of the fortune teller, i'm doing it because i WANT to! they shouldn't be enslaved, i feel bad for them because i want to. not because of that lady."

She then slapped his hand away and put her hand onto the scanner. They watched as a purple light appeared and scanned it, then it turned into a light green. The door began to open up for her.

She looked at him and said, "I'm going to do this WITH or WITHOUT you Ryder...and i have a feeling that it's without you" She entered it. Ryder didn't follow her inside.

oh boy, this is probably bad. what do you all think?

October 02, 2020 16:07

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260 comments

16:49 Oct 02, 2020

Great story! You said this was a novel you were working on? How far have you gotten?

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B. W.
16:58 Oct 02, 2020

I haven't started this one yet, i just kinda have the plot.

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17:09 Oct 02, 2020

Ok, It is a great plot!

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B. W.
17:11 Oct 02, 2020

i may start on it after i finish my other novel (the one i'm doing for fun) but i also wanna do a sequel for the one i'm doing

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17:12 Oct 02, 2020

Wow! That is a lot. What one are you working on now?

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B. W.
17:13 Oct 02, 2020

The one i'm doing for fun/the one that's based off my favorite horror game/game in general. i'm on chapter 19

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16:19 Oct 02, 2020

Good job, B! I adore the sibling love! :)

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B. W.
16:23 Oct 02, 2020

Huh? Mika and Ryder aren't siblings if thats what your saying.

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16:26 Oct 02, 2020

Ohhh, oops!! I read it wrong haha! But their friendship is so cute!

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B. W.
16:30 Oct 02, 2020

did ya have a favorite part to it? or was it the friend-ship?

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19:32 Oct 02, 2020

The friendship! Super cute!

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B. W.
19:39 Oct 02, 2020

anything else?

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20:38 Oct 02, 2020

This is a great idea for a plot! You should totally make this into a novel BW! The other novel idea is a great one too!

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B. W.
20:42 Oct 02, 2020

:) it actually IS going to be turned into a novel! and what 'other novel idea' do you mean? i have a few

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20:42 Oct 02, 2020

The one you were talking to Blair about. It's a good idea!

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B. W.
20:44 Oct 02, 2020

ya think so?

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Rhondalise Mitza
17:58 Oct 07, 2020

Awesome work! I would cut back on the all caps exclamations though. :D

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B. W.
18:00 Oct 07, 2020

Thank's ^^ yeah, i agree, i'll try to work on that stuff in my other stories. Did you maybe have a favorite part? ^^

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:07 Oct 02, 2020

Can you help me with something?

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B. W.
17:10 Oct 02, 2020

sure i don't see why not, what is it?

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:18 Oct 02, 2020

So, I'm writing a story for the stasis prompt. First, do you like the name Amphelice?

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B. W.
17:21 Oct 02, 2020

I love that name ^^ i've never heard of it before and it's kinda cute

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:24 Oct 02, 2020

I had wanted to use it before, but I didn't, so now I'm using it because I like the name :) Anyway, what's a good reason that you would run away from your mom? (that isn't overused)

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B. W.
17:26 Oct 02, 2020

uh, Hm...neglect i guess?

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:27 Oct 02, 2020

Oh frick, what's happening? I'm getting downvoted... I did an upvote for upvote spree with Blair And I was at 1222 points, but now I'm at 1190... :/

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Isabella Peschka
18:40 Oct 13, 2020

I forgot to put this but I also loved how you left off on a cliffhanger. You’re stories are amazing!

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B. W.
18:48 Oct 13, 2020

Thanks ^^ could you actually help with something?

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Isabella Peschka
18:33 Oct 13, 2020

I love the whole story line and how you put so much work into it. Keep it up! :)

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B. W.
18:39 Oct 13, 2020

Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part?

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Jeffrey Pope
15:45 Oct 13, 2020

Great storyline! I know you said its part of a novel, but woah!! I felt like i was being fast forwarded while i was reading. The plot was kinda rushed. Check out my latest submission. I'd appreciate a positive critique.

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B. W.
15:51 Oct 13, 2020

Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ don't worry, whenever i start working on the novel, it won't really be so fast or whatever you thought it had been. Did you maybe have a favorite part for it? and sure, i will soon.

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B. W.
15:52 Oct 13, 2020

Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ don't worry, whenever i start working on the novel, it won't really be so fast or whatever you thought it had been. Did you maybe have a favorite part for it? and sure, i will soon.

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Jeffrey Pope
16:02 Oct 13, 2020

I think my favorite section of the tale would be the end. I was left hanging after reading the whole story -felt like i needed more.

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B. W.
16:05 Oct 13, 2020

alright

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C.J 🤍
03:11 Oct 05, 2020

Awesome job

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B. W.
03:11 Oct 05, 2020

thanks :) did ya have a favorite part?

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19:00 Oct 04, 2020

Outstanding job, B.! I agree with Kylie that you did a good job with the relationship between Ryder and Mika.

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B. W.
19:13 Oct 04, 2020

Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the relationship?

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21:21 Oct 04, 2020

No problem! My favorite part was the relationship between Ryder and Mika.

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Lydi B
17:25 Oct 04, 2020

Two children with the same ominous future laid out for them—what potential for a plot rife with twists and turns! Mika and Ryder have opposing viewpoints, so again, an abundance of areas to weave in that push and pull of tension which could lead to love or the exact opposite. "Mika. Ryder. The two of them had been friend's for as long as they could remember, almost since birth. At least that's what Ryder liked to tell her." If I were to give any advice, it would be to keep this opening line and try reworking the character's pasts into...

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B. W.
17:39 Oct 04, 2020

Alright, thank's for some of the advice with it and i'm glad that you liked it ^^

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Jagdeep Singh
13:45 Oct 04, 2020

This is a great plot. Wish you a Good luck for writing a novel.

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B. W.
13:55 Oct 04, 2020

Thank's i'm glad that ya liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part?

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Jagdeep Singh
14:00 Oct 04, 2020

Yes it is actually from the paragraph starting from "the fortune teller sighed" to "no one going to be able to enslave a god".

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B. W.
14:12 Oct 04, 2020

I'll eventually start to work on the novel ^^ i'm working on another one and i'm on chapter 20

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06:46 Oct 04, 2020

I liked the name Ryder! It’s like a dystopian name! Sorry for reading this so late though, I was a bit busy yesterday. Anyways, great story and I want to read the next part!

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B. W.
06:59 Oct 04, 2020

It's fine ^^ and thank's i'm glad that you liked it, did you maybe have a favorite part?

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07:37 Oct 04, 2020

The part where the fortune teller comes is my favorite!

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K. Antonio
21:58 Oct 03, 2020

I think the story has potential, but some parts are a bit confusing and repetitive. 1) Sometimes part of your dialogues needed to be "tagged" with said, replied or answered, etc... so we have a better sense of who is talking. You don't need to tag everything, but the story had no dialogue tags. 2) In one paragraph (I think the 15th) you use the term "the mortal's AND the god's". Then you repeat the term again and again. I think you need to find and use pronouns in a clever way, so you are not always constantly repeating these big terms...

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B. W.
22:02 Oct 03, 2020

Thank's for all of the advice with that ^^ yes, i'm a fan of percy jackson because besides this story i DO have some other demi-god stuff on here.

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A. K. Wilson
13:52 Oct 03, 2020

That ending is so perfect! Amazing job, well written, and really enjoyed the flow of the story

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B. W.
13:53 Oct 03, 2020

Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^ i'll actually be turning this story into a novel at some point. did you have a favorite part or was it the ending?

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Madisson James
06:02 Oct 03, 2020

You should complete the novel. Nice!

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B. W.
13:45 Oct 03, 2020

you think so?

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02:13 Oct 03, 2020

I loved your take on Greek mythology :)) You did awesome! Btw, how is writing the novel going? I'm really curious because you're a great writer! P.S Do you mind checking out my most recent story, My Darling, Sophia? I know you may not like self promoting, but I really need some honest feedback on it :)

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B. W.
02:15 Oct 03, 2020

Thank's i'm glad that you even liked this ^^ though which novel do you mean? because i'm working on like four of them so you need to tell me which of the four you mean. and yeah, i guess i'll check the story out soon

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02:16 Oct 03, 2020

this one :>

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B. W.
02:17 Oct 03, 2020

I haven't started to write it yet, i really just thought of the plot

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01:25 Oct 04, 2020

Ah I see. Good luck on it, though!

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B. W.
01:26 Oct 04, 2020

i actually just made another story ^^ could you check out "Crossover: the traitor" and leave some feedback?

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☆ Ariadne ☆
17:37 Oct 02, 2020

k, I'm here! What do you need?

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B. W.
17:40 Oct 02, 2020

well i just need help on HOW the characters would act and HOW they'd even get together, i plan to have romance in most of the stories like the Harlow and Willow thing

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☆ Ariadne ☆
17:43 Oct 02, 2020

Well, it depends on their character. If they're two strong-minded girls, they will probably act much more differently than if they weren't.

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B. W.
17:49 Oct 02, 2020

I mean i guess the two are a bit different. Though with that i'd still need some ideas on how they'd get together even if i know how they'd act.

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☆ Ariadne ☆
17:54 Oct 02, 2020

Ah. I'd suggest you DON'T make it cliche. Let their relationship develop slowly. They're friends before, right? Maybe have them notice random little details - but don't make it too obvious! - about the other. Like, Harlow could just be out at a cafe with Willow and Willow orders for Harlow without even thinking, and it's exactly what Harlow wanted. And Harlow gets this fuzzy feeling, like wow! She knows what I want! Then she goes all like, well, duh! She's my best friend. So it could be like they're fighting against their growing emotions....

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B. W.
17:57 Oct 02, 2020

Any other advice for me with it? That's still really good advice but i think that i want some more

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Laiba M
17:36 Oct 02, 2020

Fabulous story, Hope!! I like that Ryder didn't follow her inside, or it would've been very cliche. Good ideas! I liked how Ryder was saying she didn't have to follow the fortune teller's words, it added some conflict.

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B. W.
17:39 Oct 02, 2020

Thank's i'm glad that ya liked it ^^ Did you maybe have a favorite part or was it him not following her inside the place or something? well, he eventually will decide to help her and the demi-gods

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Laiba M
18:56 Oct 31, 2020

Hey, Ri~~ You asked me to give your stories a harder critique, so here we go :) Don't take it seriously though! "had been friend's" -> "had been friends" "week after birth, that was close enough." -> "week after birth, which was close enough." "the fortune teller lady" -> "the fortune-teller lady" "What about the god's??" -> "What about the gods?" Multiple question or exclamation marks are used in messages to emphasize. This is not necessary in any story, whether dialogue or not, unless there is a form of messaging in the story. "Mika's...

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B. W.
19:04 Oct 31, 2020

I don't see why i'd take this the wrong way or anything, its mostly just spelling errors or something, though thanks for even deciding to do this ^^ I can't really fix it now since this was an older story, but ill keep in mind to not do this stuff with my newer stories or the novel and my other ones as well. what are some of the serious issues?

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Laiba M
19:10 Oct 31, 2020

Well, my reply to the comment includes those :) Look at the reply to it~~

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B. W.
19:18 Oct 31, 2020

oh

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Laiba M
19:08 Oct 31, 2020

After pondering how in the world I'd describe your writing in a word or phrase, I found it~ Please don't take this offensively, this is constructive criticism~~ To me, your writing seems as if you are describing the story to the reader instead of telling the story, if that makes sense. This idea cradles most of your stories-they just seem like you're describing the story to a friend, instead of writing it. There are a lot of colloquialisms, which are usually expected in dialogue, but shouldn't be in the rest of the story. There is redunda...

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B. W.
19:19 Oct 31, 2020

HOW though? its how ive been writing and I dunno how to change it from 'telling a friend a story' to 'actually telling a story' :/ I could probably change the other stuff though

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Laiba M
19:57 Oct 31, 2020

Well, that's what I said in the comment, not using 'kinda, wanna, gonna, or ya' in all stories, not using multiple exclamation/question marks, and not using words in all caps.

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B. W.
20:28 Oct 31, 2020

then what should i use in the stories instead of "kinda, wanna, gonna, ya" ? cuz I always use those :/

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Laiba M
20:41 Oct 31, 2020

Kind of, want to, going to, you...

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