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This has something to do with the novel that i'll be working on soon that i think that i'll be calling 'demi-god savior?' this isn't the exact stuff that will happen but eh. I'm just trying to make some stories now and i hope that you enjoy.
Mika. Ryder. The two of them had been friend's for as long as they could remember, almost since birth. At least that's what Ryder liked to tell her.
Though in a way he WAS kinda true about that. They had met after a week after birth, that was close enough. They had met each other that early because they shared a...future.
Mika's parent's had someone come into the hospital right after her birth, she was kind of like a fortune teller. Even then the fortune teller lady had also done this with Mika's mother and even father. Though it was nothing interesting for them.
Though she had a really...interesting future. "What do you mean by that? She CAN'T go and do that!" Her father didn't like it. It had been this way in the world for over two decades, their daughter wasn't going to ruin it.
The Fortune Teller sighed and spoke again, "I've told you, your daughter...Mika will grow up to free the demi-gods. I don't think there's a way to stop it."
"What about the god's?? Like Zeus, Athena, all of them! they're also keeping the demi-gods like this, our daughter can't possibly stop them to help the others."
The fortune teller remained silent as she started to walk out of the house. She turned around and stopped at the front door then she spoke, "Even them."
Mika's parent's had waited a while, maybe some other kid had the same future. Or maybe the fortune teller was wrong with this one thing, They didn't always have to be right with things. They could make small mistakes.
It had been a while until her mother got a call from one of her friend's. Their son, Ryder, apparently had the same future as their daughter. This was bad. The fortune teller told the same future to different people?
They wanted to believe that it wasn't their kid's but they just couldn't. It would have been good if the future they learned wasn't with their kid's, but even then the future would be bad. Who would want to FREE the demi-gods?
Who know's what they would even do if they were all freed. They could go after the mortals. Well, even if it wasn't a bad thing like that, they still weren't going to let them be free. They knew what they could do.
"Mika, come on! We don't need to listen to that thing the fortune teller told us, we can do whatever we want. We're both eighteen!" Ryder told her. He HATED that someone was telling him what to do.
Ever since the both of them were around two years old, their parent's were kind of controlling in a way. There were areas nearby where demi-god's were being held to do whatever the lead mortal- or maybe even what a god said.
No one was going to be able to enslave a god. They'd probably get killed from attempting it. Though the mortal's AND the god's reached an agreement a few years into the demi-god enslavement.
The mortal's AND the god's didn't really like the demi-gods- even if they WERE a kid of one of them. They still didn't like the demi-god child, especially Zeus.
The god's and goddesses agreed to help enslave the demi-gods while not enslaving or killing the mortals. The mortal's agreed not to try and really do anything that came to mind to the god's and goddesses.
What else could they even promise? They were just mortals, they didn't really have a lot.
"How do you suppose we even stop our FUTURE, Ryder? and come on, don't you feel at least a small bit bad for them?"
"Come on, we don't HAVE to listen to a stupid fortune teller, she could even be wrong about it!"
While they used to not be allowed to go to those demi-god areas their parent's were letting them go to SOME small areas with them. Though only if they'd tell them or something. They didn't wanna be so strict and they still thought that the future could possibly be with someone else.
Though still, even if it WASN'T them, they'd still need to try and find out who the future belonged to. Maybe they could go get rid of them, or keep them locked up in their house. This was still a bad future for them.
Mika sighed as she pushes Ryder aside and starts to dig through a drawer nearby. He watched in silence as she wrote something down on a piece of paper and then set it down on the kitchen table.
She waved back at him without saying anything and ran through the front door of the house. He already knew where she was going but he took a look at the note. 'going to see the demi-god's, be back soon. -Mika"
"Wait, Mika!" he called out, "You don't have to give in to that future! do whatever you want, don't listen to it" why would anyone want to even free the demi-gods??
The nearest demi-god area was actually really close, while the two of them were still running, they could see it up ahead. A bit far back from that one they could see a much smaller one. Maybe around ten demi-gods there.
He managed to catch up with her and grab her hand before they reached the entrance. No one saw them yet luckily, the entrance was a large metal door that had a scanner you needed to use to get in.
"Mika...come on! you don't have to do this just because of a stupid fortune teller said so."
"i'm not doing it because of the fortune teller, i'm doing it because i WANT to! they shouldn't be enslaved, i feel bad for them because i want to. not because of that lady."
She then slapped his hand away and put her hand onto the scanner. They watched as a purple light appeared and scanned it, then it turned into a light green. The door began to open up for her.
She looked at him and said, "I'm going to do this WITH or WITHOUT you Ryder...and i have a feeling that it's without you" She entered it. Ryder didn't follow her inside.
oh boy, this is probably bad. what do you all think?
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Great story!
You said this was a novel you were working on? How far have you gotten?
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I haven't started this one yet, i just kinda have the plot.
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Ok, It is a great plot!
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i may start on it after i finish my other novel (the one i'm doing for fun) but i also wanna do a sequel for the one i'm doing
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Wow! That is a lot. What one are you working on now?
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The one i'm doing for fun/the one that's based off my favorite horror game/game in general. i'm on chapter 19
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Good job, B! I adore the sibling love! :)
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Huh? Mika and Ryder aren't siblings if thats what your saying.
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Ohhh, oops!! I read it wrong haha! But their friendship is so cute!
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did ya have a favorite part to it? or was it the friend-ship?
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The friendship! Super cute!
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anything else?
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This is a great idea for a plot! You should totally make this into a novel BW! The other novel idea is a great one too!
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:) it actually IS going to be turned into a novel! and what 'other novel idea' do you mean? i have a few
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The one you were talking to Blair about. It's a good idea!
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ya think so?
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Awesome work! I would cut back on the all caps exclamations though. :D
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Thank's ^^ yeah, i agree, i'll try to work on that stuff in my other stories. Did you maybe have a favorite part? ^^
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Can you help me with something?
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sure i don't see why not, what is it?
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So, I'm writing a story for the stasis prompt. First, do you like the name Amphelice?
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I love that name ^^ i've never heard of it before and it's kinda cute
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I had wanted to use it before, but I didn't, so now I'm using it because I like the name :)
Anyway, what's a good reason that you would run away from your mom? (that isn't overused)
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uh, Hm...neglect i guess?
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Oh frick, what's happening? I'm getting downvoted...
I did an upvote for upvote spree with Blair
And I was at 1222 points, but now I'm at 1190... :/
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I forgot to put this but I also loved how you left off on a cliffhanger. You’re stories are amazing!
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Thanks ^^ could you actually help with something?
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I love the whole story line and how you put so much work into it. Keep it up! :)
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Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part?
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Great storyline!
I know you said its part of a novel, but woah!!
I felt like i was being fast forwarded while i was reading. The plot was kinda rushed.
Check out my latest submission. I'd appreciate a positive critique.
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Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ don't worry, whenever i start working on the novel, it won't really be so fast or whatever you thought it had been. Did you maybe have a favorite part for it? and sure, i will soon.
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Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ don't worry, whenever i start working on the novel, it won't really be so fast or whatever you thought it had been. Did you maybe have a favorite part for it? and sure, i will soon.
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I think my favorite section of the tale would be the end.
I was left hanging after reading the whole story -felt like i needed more.
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alright
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Awesome job
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thanks :) did ya have a favorite part?
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Outstanding job, B.! I agree with Kylie that you did a good job with the relationship between Ryder and Mika.
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Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the relationship?
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No problem! My favorite part was the relationship between Ryder and Mika.
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Two children with the same ominous future laid out for them—what potential for a plot rife with twists and turns! Mika and Ryder have opposing viewpoints, so again, an abundance of areas to weave in that push and pull of tension which could lead to love or the exact opposite.
"Mika. Ryder. The two of them had been friend's for as long as they could remember, almost since birth. At least that's what Ryder liked to tell her."
If I were to give any advice, it would be to keep this opening line and try reworking the character's pasts into their current, pivotal moment. See if you can remove the past exposition, and instead bring us all right into the action.
Ex: (Mika grabs a pen. She keeps her back to Ryder as she scribbles down her sentiment, prompted by his nagging.
Ryder leans over and says, "You're not doing what I think you are...?"
Dread filled his eyes when he scans her note. Mika's on her way out the door, not sparing another thought for her dumbfounded best friend.)
This can build into a flashback of their foretold fates and either spur Ryder to run after or abandon Mika on her mission.
It's just a subjective example, of course, but try and push yourself to tell the story of their past through their eyes as it comes up. The audience won't have all the answers right away, but the intrigue of wondering what Mika's up to (especially since Ryder seems to know) will keep people reading.
Best of luck!
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Alright, thank's for some of the advice with it and i'm glad that you liked it ^^
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This is a great plot. Wish you a Good luck for writing a novel.
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Thank's i'm glad that ya liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part?
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Yes it is actually from the paragraph starting from "the fortune teller sighed" to "no one going to be able to enslave a god".
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I'll eventually start to work on the novel ^^ i'm working on another one and i'm on chapter 20
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I liked the name Ryder! It’s like a dystopian name! Sorry for reading this so late though, I was a bit busy yesterday. Anyways, great story and I want to read the next part!
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It's fine ^^ and thank's i'm glad that you liked it, did you maybe have a favorite part?
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The part where the fortune teller comes is my favorite!
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I think the story has potential, but some parts are a bit confusing and repetitive.
1) Sometimes part of your dialogues needed to be "tagged" with said, replied or answered, etc... so we have a better sense of who is talking. You don't need to tag everything, but the story had no dialogue tags.
2) In one paragraph (I think the 15th) you use the term "the mortal's AND the god's". Then you repeat the term again and again. I think you need to find and use pronouns in a clever way, so you are not always constantly repeating these big terms and expressions throughout the story.
3) Paragraphs don't always have to be 3 sentences, feel free to join some of them and make them longer if possible.
4) The words that you CAPPED didn't need to suffer that alteration, sometimes the emphasis seemed unnecessary.
5) You used ellipses (...) in the story, but they were also unnecessary.
Feel free to go slow when producing a story and editing. Proofread it. Throughout the entire story there were some problems with not capitalizing letters and proper nouns, you also used 's very casually and loosely, even though there was no contraction or designation of possession, and you have to be aware that an 's can change the meaning of a sentence.
I think the background in the intro. is unnecessary, we already get a sense of your character's friendship from the story without that introduction. This entire story felt like a beginning to what would be "the actual story". I wanted more action, more characters actually doing things and emotion. I do think there is a bit too much focus on the fortune teller and prophecy for such a small story. It's still short so I'm sure you could cram in some more words and make this story even longer.
I take it, you're a fan of Percy Jackson, because I do see some similarity between this story and what Rick Riordan produces. I have read a lot of his books, met him, had breakfast with him. He does a lot of research to make his stories as concise as possible. Google is your friend, so many things on the web that can really lend a hand when making a good story.
Anyway keep writing, this story needs to be more developed. Think about adding some action, creating urgency, being very descriptive and making your characters move and do things. Really explore their personality, their emotions, what makes them special and different. What I got from this story, was that your characters are friends and demi-gods and are part of a prophecy, but I need to have more information on them.
Good luck on making this into a complex and incredible tale!!
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Thank's for all of the advice with that ^^ yes, i'm a fan of percy jackson because besides this story i DO have some other demi-god stuff on here.
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That ending is so perfect! Amazing job, well written, and really enjoyed the flow of the story
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Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^ i'll actually be turning this story into a novel at some point. did you have a favorite part or was it the ending?
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You should complete the novel.
Nice!
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you think so?
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I loved your take on Greek mythology :)) You did awesome! Btw, how is writing the novel going? I'm really curious because you're a great writer!
P.S Do you mind checking out my most recent story, My Darling, Sophia? I know you may not like self promoting, but I really need some honest feedback on it :)
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Thank's i'm glad that you even liked this ^^ though which novel do you mean? because i'm working on like four of them so you need to tell me which of the four you mean. and yeah, i guess i'll check the story out soon
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this one :>
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I haven't started to write it yet, i really just thought of the plot
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Ah I see. Good luck on it, though!
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i actually just made another story ^^ could you check out "Crossover: the traitor" and leave some feedback?
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k, I'm here! What do you need?
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well i just need help on HOW the characters would act and HOW they'd even get together, i plan to have romance in most of the stories like the Harlow and Willow thing
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Well, it depends on their character. If they're two strong-minded girls, they will probably act much more differently than if they weren't.
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I mean i guess the two are a bit different. Though with that i'd still need some ideas on how they'd get together even if i know how they'd act.
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Ah. I'd suggest you DON'T make it cliche. Let their relationship develop slowly. They're friends before, right? Maybe have them notice random little details - but don't make it too obvious! - about the other. Like, Harlow could just be out at a cafe with Willow and Willow orders for Harlow without even thinking, and it's exactly what Harlow wanted. And Harlow gets this fuzzy feeling, like wow! She knows what I want! Then she goes all like, well, duh! She's my best friend.
So it could be like they're fighting against their growing emotions. Mind vs heart. Y'know?
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Any other advice for me with it? That's still really good advice but i think that i want some more
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Fabulous story, Hope!! I like that Ryder didn't follow her inside, or it would've been very cliche. Good ideas! I liked how Ryder was saying she didn't have to follow the fortune teller's words, it added some conflict.
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Thank's i'm glad that ya liked it ^^ Did you maybe have a favorite part or was it him not following her inside the place or something? well, he eventually will decide to help her and the demi-gods
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Hey, Ri~~ You asked me to give your stories a harder critique, so here we go :) Don't take it seriously though!
"had been friend's" -> "had been friends"
"week after birth, that was close enough." -> "week after birth, which was close enough."
"the fortune teller lady" -> "the fortune-teller lady"
"What about the god's??" -> "What about the gods?" Multiple question or exclamation marks are used in messages to emphasize. This is not necessary in any story, whether dialogue or not, unless there is a form of messaging in the story.
"Mika's parent's" -> "Mika's parents"
"one of her friend's." -> "one of her friends."
"wasn't with their kid's," -> "wasn't with their kids,"
"the fortune teller" -> "the fortune-teller"
"since the both of them" -> "since both of them"
"their parent's" -> "their parents"
"where demi-god's" -> "where demi-gods"
"the god's" -> "the gods"
"The mortal's AND the god's didn't really like the demi-gods-" -> "The mortals and the gods didn't (seem to) like the demi-gods-"
"The god's and goddesses" -> "The gods and goddesses"
"The mortal's agreed not to try and really do anything that came to mind to the god's and goddesses." -> "The mortals agreed not to try and do anything that came to mind to the gods and goddesses."
"they didn't really have a lot." -> "they didn't have a lot."
"their parent's" -> "their parents"
"future could possibly be with someone else." -> "future could be with someone else."
"Though still, even if it WASN'T them, they'd still need to" -> "Though even if it wasn't them, they'd need to"
"get rid of them, or keep" -> "get rid of them or keep"
"was actually really close," -> "was close,"
"i'm not doing it because of the fortune teller, i'm doing it because i WANT to! they shouldn't be enslaved, i feel bad for them because i want to. not because of that lady." -> "I'm not doing it because of the fortune teller, I'm doing it because I WANT to! they shouldn't be enslaved, I feel bad for them because I want to. not because of that lady."
"and i have a feeling" -> "and I have a feeling "
I'll go over more serious issues in my reply to the comment, it's getting a bit long :D
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I don't see why i'd take this the wrong way or anything, its mostly just spelling errors or something, though thanks for even deciding to do this ^^ I can't really fix it now since this was an older story, but ill keep in mind to not do this stuff with my newer stories or the novel and my other ones as well. what are some of the serious issues?
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Well, my reply to the comment includes those :) Look at the reply to it~~
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oh
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After pondering how in the world I'd describe your writing in a word or phrase, I found it~
Please don't take this offensively, this is constructive criticism~~
To me, your writing seems as if you are describing the story to the reader instead of telling the story, if that makes sense. This idea cradles most of your stories-they just seem like you're describing the story to a friend, instead of writing it. There are a lot of colloquialisms, which are usually expected in dialogue, but shouldn't be in the rest of the story. There is redundancy with your sentences, for example, "Though in a way he WAS kinda true about that." "In a way" and "kinda true" are very redundant if used in the same sentence. He might be true about it in a way, or he was kind of true about it. Not both.
You also write a lot of words in all caps. That really adds to the "telling a friend about a story" vibe going on here. WAS and AND are unnecessary and informalize your writing, if you want to emphasize them, I would recommend italicizing. Or bolding them, although that's a bit informal as well.
Same thing with adding multiple question or exclamation marks. People do that in texts, messages, or such, but not in stories. Please, only use that in stories if you are telling a story that includes texts.
"Kinda", "wanna", "gonna", "ya" are words you use often in your comments, but it also appears in every one of your stories. This really, really adds a lot to the "telling a friend about a story" feeling. You want to change the wording depending on the characters. It's fine if a few characters speak like that, but not all, and especially not in the parts without dialogue.
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That's it for this story :) I know it's a lot, but think about these things, and your writing will improve! Again, don't take me seriously if this seems offensive~
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HOW though? its how ive been writing and I dunno how to change it from 'telling a friend a story' to 'actually telling a story' :/ I could probably change the other stuff though
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Well, that's what I said in the comment, not using 'kinda, wanna, gonna, or ya' in all stories, not using multiple exclamation/question marks, and not using words in all caps.
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then what should i use in the stories instead of "kinda, wanna, gonna, ya" ? cuz I always use those :/
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Kind of, want to, going to, you...
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