Submitted to: Contest #60

Zombie Break Out

Written in response to: "Write a post-apocalyptic story that features zombies."

Science Fiction Adventure Fantasy

You aren't ready for it. Nevertheless, you have to do it. Holding the hands of a girl and running away from something, you can't really distinguish.

You have no clue about your father, as he ran away before you were born. Your mother is nowhere to be seen and the only human with you is the girl, Layla.

"How are we going to escape?" she asks you and you shoot a look at her.

You are clueless about what is happening. She is a lean, bold woman, with striking blue eyes that seem to stare into your soul. You are expecting someone to aim the rifle and shoot right at the ugly guys who were chasing you and the girl. But, that doesn't happen.

Suddenly, both of you fall into something. Blood starts trickling out of her little fingers.

Surprisingly, there is a bandage before you. You give it to her and see a dark, cave like structure. You proceed into it.

And what you discover is even more surprising. A portal!

Anywhere away from these ugly creatures is okay for you.

You grab her hand and make a run for it, while she stres in awe.

And what a discovery you make! A whole cluster of weapons!

Now, you are the man with the rifle. You grab some pistols and place them into your pocket. Then you put on the bulletproof jacket and take a rifle in your hands. You walk out of the portal triumphantly.

She picks up a pistol and walks out of it. You have a feel that you could kill them all.

"What are we going to do now?" she asks you.

"Kill- them- all," you pronounce.

"Okay," she says.

"We shoot them all and take shelter somewhere," you say and try to climb the pit. The creatures watch you from above.

There would be something to climb this up as well.

You see a springy thing besides your leg. "Only once" is written on it with dark, bold letters. You jump on it and land before the ugly guys.

She comes up in the same way.

Come on, creatures. 

You load your gun and push the trigger. Simply, nothing comes out.

"Did you load the bullets?" she calls.

Then you realise that you didn't have any bullets and give her a slight grin. She had only six bullets for the pistol. You don't risk your life in that pit.

What if it's only for a single use?

So, you stand beside her waiting for your doom. You are too tired to run.

The world is in a diminished form. No building is standing upright. Everything is in ruins. A meteorite and a bomb at the same time did this to your world.

You didn't expect this apocalypse to happen.

 You are disappointed with yourself for your carelessness.

The creatures approach you and Layla. You want to die peacefully. So, you sit down with your hands on your head and shut your eyes.

The creatures stop suddenly.

A cool breeze runs over you. You turn back and see a large plate over your shoulders. The large plate lands on the ground and some weird guys with antennas come out of it. They are red and their eyes bulge out of their heads. Ultimately, a man gets down from the plate like thing.

You are relieved when you see a man. Layla heaves a sigh of relief too.

The man comes near you and whispers, "These are the stupidest aliens in the galaxy known as Xythes. They are easy to tackle. Please follow my orders."

"Yeah, sure," you say.

 At least someone to help.

One of the aliens says, "Boss, this planet is very hot. The oxygen level is also low. Only one percent of water is remaining in this planet."

Boss alien replies, "Anything better than our planet is okay."

"Okay, boss."

Boss alien says, pointing at the ugly creatures, "I think they are also trying to rule this planet. We should kill them all."

The creatures leave out cries in response and approach the aliens while Layla and you follow the man onto the plate silently. The aliens take out their sophisticated weapons and start shooting the creatures.

"Do you know what they really are?" Layla asks the man, pointing the ugly creatures.

"Well, they are half dead creatures known as zombies. They crave for blood and if even a drop of their saliva touches you, you become one of them," he says.

"Ooooh, then that was close, Layla," you say.

He is an old man with white hair springing onto different sides. Although he looks old, he is fast enough.  

He embarks the spaceship and Boom! It starts with fire coming out of its engine, roasting the aliens. But they neither die nor realise their ship is stolen.

You make yourself comfortable in the spaceship and put on the seat belt.

"Okay, can you introduce yourself?" you ask him.

"Yeah, I forgot about it. I am a space wanderer and my name is Ronny," he says.

I have heard this name before. 

You start thinking about it when a meteoroid crashes the plate spaceship. Red lights cover the spaceship and it is totally out of control.

"Ronny," Layla calls, but he gives no answer and passes out.

"Do you know how to operate a spaceship?" you ask Layla.

"No. Why do you think I want Ronny's help?" she replies, panicking and goes to the control centre of the spaceship.

You pour some water on Ronny, but he doesn't wake up.

Layla pushes down all the buttons on the control centre and music starts playing with colourful lights.

Even aliens love parties!

Then the spaceship does a somersault. That is when you discover a planet nearby. The spaceship has a steering wheel. Layla and you try hard to turn the steering wheel and finally you turn it!

The planet looks rocky from outside and is yellow in colour. You have no choice but to land the spaceship on the planet. Ronny is also unconscious.

And suddenly, you remember him.

You leave the steering and go near Ronny.

"Father, please wake up," you say, patting his shoulders. A drop of tear touches his face from your eyes.

"Don't worry, my son. I am there for you," he says, patting your head.

"Yeah, you are alive," you exclaim with joy.

"Yeah, I am."

"Why did you run away?"

"Those stupid aliens kidnapped me."

"I think that is the reason you roasted them," Layla says.

"Let's talk about that afterwards. I think it's an engine failure. Someone has to go down and attach this thing to the engine," he says, showing you a pointy object.

"I will do it," you say and try to grab the object from him.

"Uh-huh. No way, I am doing it," he says and puts on the astronaut suit. He waves his hand and jumps into open space.

"Pull the steering when I say," your father shouts through the radio transmitter.

"Okay," Layla says.

After a while, Ronny shouts, "Nooooooow."

Layla pulls the steering towards the yellow planet.

The engine starts working! It's now much easier to pull the steering.

You, Layla and your father land on the planet safely. No, not safely. It is a crash landing. You run out of the plate spaceship and little did you know what was going to happen!

A bunch of the same type of red aliens is standing in front of you. Well, Xythes are cannibals.

They look hungry!










Posted Sep 24, 2020
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116 likes 387 comments

Jill Davies
10:31 Oct 07, 2020

It’s hard to pull off a story in the second person. You did well!
I love the mix of extreme sci-fi with the apocalypse.

Sometimes I wanted the story to slow down with more description and backstory, but I don’t think that’s your style or what you were going for with the piece so that’s okay.

I like where you left it off. It could be a cliffhanger or an absolute break

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11:47 Oct 07, 2020

Yeah, thats my first try. I am happy to hear you liked it.

Yeah, even I want it to be a little slow. But my writing is always fast paced.

Glad you liked the ending!

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L.A. Nolan
02:20 Oct 07, 2020

Well done! Fast paced and imaginative! Keep writing.

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04:18 Oct 07, 2020

Thank you for reading!

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Zea Bowman
02:03 Oct 07, 2020

Hey, Keerththan! First of all, great story! Second, I wanted to let you know that I wrote a "Zombies Sound Safer Than My Family - Part 2." You had read the first and seemed to enjoy it, so I was just letting you know that I had made a second if you wanted to check it out. :)

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04:19 Oct 07, 2020

Yo, definitely!

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15:32 Oct 09, 2020

Please read my new story if u r free and give some feedback!

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Meggy House
18:44 Oct 06, 2020

Wow! This was a super unique story! I really love the father twist and your narrator's voice is so casual yet suspenseful. Plus, it's a wonderful blend of zombies AND aliens. Thank you for inviting me over!

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01:43 Oct 07, 2020

I am glad you loved the twist. Thank you for reading and welcome!(would you mind liking my story? Thanks!)

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Meggy House
12:47 Oct 07, 2020

If I could like it multiple times I certainly would, but alas, I have already.

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13:15 Oct 07, 2020

Thank you!

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Akshat .
06:25 Oct 06, 2020

WHO WANTS PRESENTS?!

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Sia S
07:09 Oct 06, 2020

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ your nameeeee

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Akshat .
07:23 Oct 06, 2020

It's nice, right?

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Sia S
08:33 Oct 06, 2020

Yesss veryyyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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07:33 Oct 06, 2020

Please don't change your names and scare me!

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Sia S
08:35 Oct 06, 2020

hehe lol

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07:31 Oct 06, 2020

What are the presents?

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Akshat .
07:50 Oct 06, 2020

Claws.

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Akshat .
07:50 Oct 06, 2020

Claws.

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09:47 Oct 06, 2020

Give me some claws! But, I think its Halloween now! Lol!

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07:32 Oct 06, 2020

Yo,Akshat Atal. I couldn't find out at first. You scared me!

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Akshat .
07:50 Oct 06, 2020

Hehe.

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07:58 Oct 06, 2020

He he lol.

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Akshat .
07:50 Oct 06, 2020

Hehe.

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Akshat .
13:44 Oct 05, 2020

Hey! I submitted a new story, so can you read it? Thanks!

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14:29 Oct 05, 2020

Sure!

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15:33 Oct 09, 2020

Hey, i submitted a new story? please read it. thanks.

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Akshat .
17:04 Oct 09, 2020

Okay! In a while though.

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Noor Ahmed
01:29 Oct 04, 2020

I like this!

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03:20 Oct 04, 2020

Glad you liked it!

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Orenda .
19:21 Oct 02, 2020

yo, just submitted a story, feel free to check it out!

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04:50 Oct 03, 2020

Yo, i was waiting for it! I will take a look

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Orenda .
05:45 Oct 03, 2020

yo, no problem!

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Ava F
16:10 Oct 02, 2020

WOW THIS WAS REALLY GOOD.
just a little quickβ€”this is just my opinion, but you don’t have to take it, you should add a little more precise language and make it more intriguing!
but other than thatβ€”πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜

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04:50 Oct 03, 2020

Thank you! I will take your opinion.

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Jesna Anna S.
16:14 Sep 29, 2020

Awesome story! Keep writing!
I appreciate if you can read my story, "Agnes" and give your valuable feedback.

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16:16 Sep 29, 2020

Thank you and sure!

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B. W.
22:32 Sep 28, 2020

Okay, i think you did a really good job with this story and i liked it. I'm not really good at giving advice if you want that. though i will say that you should continue to make more stories on here, though only when you aren't busy and have ideas for it. ya know what i'm gonna give this? 10/10 :)

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02:17 Sep 29, 2020

Thank you for the score! I will keep writing stories(what other job do I have? Lol) No problem. But, my stories are not getting approved. I am frustrated because of this. πŸ‘Ώ

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B. W.
02:24 Sep 29, 2020

No problem ^^ i mean the approving thing might get fixed at some point- ya don't need to worry about it. if it's alright i was wondering if ya could also go and check out "Reunion? No thanks" and "My older sister?" and leave some feedback?

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02:27 Sep 29, 2020

My two stories didn't get approved. Yeah, sure. I will read it tomorrow or today. I am a little tight the morning. And would you mind liking my story?

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B. W.
02:31 Sep 29, 2020

Yeah, that's fine ^^ ya can take your time with the stuff. Sure, i just did

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02:32 Sep 29, 2020

Thanks! Are you writing a novel?

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Rachel Ryan
22:26 Sep 28, 2020

A promising start! Looking forward to your future work. :)

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15:34 Oct 09, 2020

Thank you for reading!

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Zea Bowman
13:55 Sep 28, 2020

You asked me to come check this out, so here I am. I really liked this story! You seem to know how to use second person very well, and you did a great job with it on this story. There are a few things I would critique...

'"Father, please wake up," you say, patting his shoulders. A drop of tear touches his face from your eyes.

"Don't worry, my son. I am there for you," he says, patting your head."

Both of these sentences use two of the same words: say(s) and patting. I would use different words than says and patting in the second sentence; it won't sound as robotic and the story would have more flow.

Throughout the story, you use the word "say" or "says" a lot. You do mix it up sometimes, but I would suggest trying to find some different words to, once again, give the story more flow and less of a robotic feeling.

Lastly, I would say to use more adequate punctuation, especially towards the end. You start using words like "shout," but then there is a comma or period in the dialogue. For whenever you use the words "shout," "exclaim," or any other word that has energy or emphasis, I would stick an exclamation point in there. :)

That's all that I noticed...but overall a really good story! I liked the mix of zombies and aliens. Great job with this and keep up the good work!

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14:04 Sep 28, 2020

I am glad you liked this story.
This is the first time I am using 2nd pov. So, I did a lot of mistakes. I will reduce the robotic feel in my next. Thank you for coming to read.

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Zea Bowman
14:06 Sep 28, 2020

I honestly couldn't tell! You did a really good job!

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14:21 Sep 28, 2020

Thanks! You have made my day!

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Jessica Primrose
08:09 Sep 28, 2020

Love the imagery of your writing and the creative approach to a zombie story !! Great writing ! :)

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08:15 Sep 28, 2020

Glad you loved it! (would you mind liking my story?)

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10:21 Sep 27, 2020

Oh. My. God. These people need to run really quickly or they are chicken dinner (apologies if you are vegetarian/vegan). I was kind of wishing that the aliens were green (because, why not?) but overall, fantastic! There's a lot of action in this but your format is great and you are way better at coming up with names than I am. Seriously, I would probably have come up with something like 'Red Alien Thingys' for the names of the zombies if I was writing this. Great job!

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13:38 Sep 27, 2020

Okay, you have to run quickly or they will make you chicken dinner.(just kidding. It's in 2nd person POV)
No apologies. Okay in every film, I see that aliens are purple, blue , green , white or so. But I have never seen them red. Just a new try.
Yo, that's a nice applause for me. Thank you! You made my day!
I have to say the truth about that name.😁😁
I didn't name the aliens actually. It was Orenda who suggested the name. I am really bad at titles and names. Thank you for reading.

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01:17 Sep 28, 2020

To be honest, if these aliens were real, I'd be locking myself in my attic and waterproofing every square centimetre that's in my property. I never watch zombie films (I've only ever watched 4 full movies in my whole decade of life) and all the zombie pictures I have seen have green zombies.
My next art project: Draw a red zombie with watercolour pencils. It'll look awesome.
You're welcome! Oh, and this is kinda off topic but I made a form that I put the link in my bio. You can check it out if you have time but you don't have to.
🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰 That's for Orenda for making awesome names. I'm fine with titles but I suck at names. You're welcome again!

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01:26 Sep 28, 2020

He he. I will run as fast as I can or take my bicycle and come back with weapons(not that I have anything) Yeah, green is for zombies.
I couldn't open that form. It's asking for permission. I have plenty of time.
Yeah, for Orenda. I suck at titles. (he he. Opposite.)
And I also have fear of blood(yuck)

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01:49 Sep 28, 2020

You mean you have haemophobia? I do too! Mine's not too bad, but it just looks eww to me. Y' know, oozing out and stuff. Sorry if I made you cringe. I'll try to adjust permissions on the form so anyone can open it and answer it. I'm bad at remembering to do that.

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01:49 Sep 28, 2020

You can answer it now!

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02:20 Sep 28, 2020

I am not afraid of hearing blood. Only when its losing out I am afraid, not from my body. (if it comes from my body, i won't even notice it)
I attended the quiz.

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16:05 Jan 11, 2021

Just asking if u can submit me a story under 1200 words. Any topic for my podcast.
https://forms.gle/mwRfwtLvKxjAz3tw9

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Clara D Berry
06:38 Sep 27, 2020

So I didn't have time on Friday, but I found some time now in the middle of the night and your story hasn't been approved yet, so that means you can still edit, right? I hope so.

Here is your homework:
"She is a lean, bold woman, with striking blue eyes that seem to stare into your soul."
This sentence feels out of place. I think it would fit better in the previous paragraph, right after "you shoot a look at her."

"ugly guys who were chasing you and the girl."
They were chasing them, but stopped, or they are chasing them? Keep your tenses consistent (unless the chasing is actually over).

"Blood starts trickling out of her little fingers."
Are all her fingers little? Or do you mean her pinkies? I can't think why it would be only both of her pinkies, but the other fingers of a grown woman wouldn't usually be described as little.

"You grab her hand and make a run for it, while she stres in awe."
Two things: (1) it's been a while since we've heard her name, so maybe use it here instead of the pronoun. (2) Change "stres" to "stares"

"You grab some pistols and place them into your pocket."
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it would sound more authentic if you use the word "stick" or even "stuff" instead of "place."

"She picks up a pistol and walks out of it. You have a feel that you could kill them all."
1) Use Layla's name again here.
2) The way the sentence is right now you have Layla walking out of the pistol. A pronoun can only be used to replace the last noun you mentioned. Use the word portal here. ("Layla picks up a pistol and follows you out of the portal" or something like that.)
3) Change "feel" to "feeling"

"We shoot them all and take shelter somewhere," you say and try to climb the pit.
I would say "try to climb out of the pit" or "try to climb up the side of the pit." Your call.

"There would be something to climb this up as well."
Change to "There would be some way to climb out of here as well."

"You see a springy thing besides your leg."
Change "besides" to "beside." (Besides means something very different. It's used to introduce another reason or object, not something next to something else. Examples of correct usage of "besides": "Whatever you were eating, it couldn't have been salad. You don't even like salad. Besides, there wasn't any salad left anyway." "Inside the box, there were three more items besides [in addition to] the pencil" Unless your leg is also a springy thing, besides doesn't work.)

"She comes up in the same way."
Use her name again.

"You load your gun and push the trigger. Simply, nothing comes out."
I would say "You load your gun and pull the trigger. Nothing happens."
Wait a minute, what are you loading if you aren't loading bullets? Maybe say "You pull out your gun and pull the trigger. Nothing happens."

"Did you load the bullets?" she calls.
Use Layla's name here.

"You don't risk your life in that pit."
How about "You glance at the pit, but don't risk your life going back."
You did risk your life the first time, after all, though that time it was less of a risk.

"So, you stand beside her waiting for your doom. You are too tired to run."
Use Layla's name.

" You are disappointed with yourself for your carelessness."
Remove the extra space at the beginning of the line.

"The creatures stop suddenly."
How does he know this? His eyes are closed. Use sound or vibration to show how he knows they stop, and don't forget to open his eyes before he sees anything else.

"You turn back and see a large plate over your shoulders."
I like your description of the flying saucer here, but for a second I thought it was really a plate. Also, is it hanging over his shoulders, or is he looking over his shoulder? Assuming he's just looking over his shoulder, you can fix this by introducing it with "Looking over your shoulder, you see what looks like a large plate descending through the air." Maybe also use a noise here to get him to turn around.

"Ultimately, a man gets down from the plate like thing."
The word "ultimately" doesn't really fit here. The meaning is right, but that's not really how the word is used. You can say "A man follows the [aliens, but use whatever description you want. Weird guys?] out of the plate like thing," or something like that.

"Only one percent of water is remaining in this planet."
Does the alien know how much water there was before? If one percent remains, that means 99 gallons from every hundred are gone. How would the alien know that? Also, where did it go? If this is our planet, it should have the same amount of water it started with. Water doesn't cease to exist - it only evaporates and returns as rain.

Boss alien says, pointing at the ugly creatures, "I think they are also trying to rule this planet. We should kill them all."
This would sound more natural like this: "Boss alien points at the ugly creatures. "I think they are also trying to rule this planet. We should kill them all," he says.

"The creatures leave out cries in response and approach the aliens while Layla and you follow the man onto the plate silently."
Change "leave out cries" to "cry out" and "Layla and you" to "you and Layla."

"Do you know what they really are?" Layla asks the man, pointing the ugly creatures.
Say "pointing to" or "pointing at"

"They crave for blood and if even a drop of their saliva touches you, you become one of them"
Take out the word "for." You can either say "They crave blood" or "They have a craving for blood" but the first is better.

"He is an old man with white hair springing onto different sides. Although he looks old, he is fast enough."
The placement of this description seems random. Your main character should have a reason to be looking at his appearance before this is disclosed.

"He embarks the spaceship and Boom!"
I see that you like using high vocabulary, but I would recommend looking up how these words are used in context before using them. Using harder words correctly indicates high vocabulary, while using them incorrectly makes it seem like you are trying too hard. Here I am referring to the word "embarks" which is used at the beginning of a journey or mission. I wouldn't use it for getting on a spaceship. You could use it when the spaceship takes off, but I think it would still sound stilted in this context.
Capitalizing "Boom!" in the middle of a sentence was an interesting and unusual choice, but I think you got away with it.

"It starts with fire coming out of its engine, roasting the aliens. But they neither die nor realise their ship is stolen."
Does anything happen to the aliens? Are they roasted but still alive, or does the fire pass through them and leave them unharmed?

"You make yourself comfortable in the spaceship and put on the seat belt."
Make sure your character gets into the spaceship before he gets comfortable. You don't have to explicitly state that he gets in, but the way it is now it looks like the man from the ship gets in and leaves your main character and Layla on the ground.

"Okay, can you introduce yourself?" you ask him.
Take out "him" or replace with a description of who you're asking. "the man," "the man driving the spaceship," "your savior" or something similar.

"You start thinking about it when a meteoroid crashes the plate spaceship."
Say what you are thinking about. "it" is a bit unclear.
Replace "crashes" with "crashes into."
Did you use both "plate" and "spaceship" on purpose? Either would do on its own (though maybe if you pick "plate" it should be "plate like thing").

"Red lights cover the spaceship and it is totally out of control."
How is it out of control? Does the control panel stop working? Does it spin off course? You can say "Ronny loses control" or "it spins out of control."

"No. Why do you think I want Ronny's help?" she replies, panicking and goes to the control centre of the spaceship.
Put a period after "panicking," and then start a new sentence but maybe it should be "She hurries to the control center of the spaceship."

"Then the spaceship does a somersault. That is when you discover a planet nearby. The spaceship has a steering wheel. Layla and you try hard to turn the steering wheel and finally you turn it!"
Say "you and Layla." Also, last I noticed they were still directly above the planet they left. You might want to make it clear that they left that planet behind before another one pops up. Have them clear the atmosphere or something.

"You have no choice but to land the spaceship on the planet. Ronny is also unconscious."
How can you land if you don't know how to work a spaceship?
You said Ronny passed out and didn't wake up, so we know he's unconscious. Why also? Is someone else unconscious? You can say "Ronny is still unconscious."

"You leave the steering and go near Ronny."
Say "steering wheel" or "control centre" rather than just "steering."

"A drop of tear touches his face from your eyes."
I would say "A single tear rolls down your cheek and drips onto his face."

"Don't worry, my son. I am there for you," he says, patting your head.
"here," not "there"

"Yeah, you are alive," you exclaim with joy.
Use an exclamation mark for the exclamation.

"Uh-huh. No way, I am doing it"
"Uh-huh" means yes. Use "Nuh-uh" or "Uh-uh" for no.

"Pull the steering when I say"
I don't know what this means. What is the steering? If it's the steering wheel, it should be turned, not pulled.

"Layla pulls the steering towards the yellow planet."
Layla turns the steering wheel towards the yellow planet?

"It's now much easier to pull the steering."
It's now much easier to steer."

"You, Layla and your father"
Do you know anything about the Oxford comma? I am a big fan, but some people don't like it or think it belongs. Here, using the Oxford comma, this would read "You, Layla, and your father"

"It is a crash landing."
I get it now. Guess he didn't know how to land a spaceship.

"You run out of the plate spaceship and little did you know what was going to happen!"
Be consistent with your tense. "You run out of the plate spaceship and little do you know what is going to happen!"
Or you could say "You run out of the plate spaceship and see that little did you know what was going to happen!"
Or "You run out of the plate spaceship to see a scene you thought you had left behind forever."

I enjoyed reading this story. There were some parts of it I especially liked, such as when the flying saucer came and you described it as a plate, your description of the aliens when they first appear, and the ending which I thought was funny.
One thing I noticed appears a lot in my comments above is corrections relating to pronoun use. Pronouns are very useful. They are used to prevent needless repitition of names and objects that are mentioned often. The problem here was that you used them so much that the names of the people and objects were scarce and potentially forgotten, and it's not always clear what the pronoun is referring to. The trick is to use a pronoun only when you just mentioned the noun. "Just" lasts until you mention another noun that could use the same pronoun. You can have a conversation with "he said" and "she said" a few times in a row, but if there are two boys or two girls you have to clarify who's speaking if it's not the same person you mentioned last and if you have an object such as that pistol in the sentence you can't follow it with a pronoun for a different object.
I hope you can still edit. Sorry I couldn't comment any earlier.

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09:03 Oct 01, 2020

My story still didn't get approved. Next after next contests are coming. πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ‘Ώ

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Clara D Berry
19:48 Oct 01, 2020

:( Still don't get why. Didn't someone from Reedsy tell you it would be?

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09:14 Oct 02, 2020

Yeah, I asked the judges. They said it will get approved.

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Clara D Berry
18:58 Oct 02, 2020

Maybe you should complain again and tell them it still didn't.

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15:35 Oct 09, 2020

Hey Clara,
its been a long time. I have written a new story. Please read it and give some homework. And kindly be fast. My stories dont get approved but i cant edit them.

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08:52 Sep 27, 2020

Okay, I can't edit. It's not approved. But, I cant edit. I saw the whole lot of mistakes. And thank you for coming. I will correct this story in the main copy. The same thing happened to Clueless. Thank you for mentioning. I had my exams too. So I didn't spend much time on this story. Just wrote this, because its been long before I wrote. I have a small problem of forgetting things if I don't do it.πŸ€£πŸ˜…

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D. Jaymz
22:10 Sep 26, 2020

You're getting much better πŸ‘

In the sentence, 'You grab her hand and make a run for it, while she stres in awe.'.
I believe you meant, 'You grab her hand and make a run for it, while she stares in awe.'. 'stares' not 'stres'.

Keep writing 😊

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02:49 Sep 27, 2020

Thank you!

Yeah, that's a typo. My stories are not getting approved but it is showing that it was approved.😭😭

Keep writing

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Dalyane Deblois
00:36 Sep 26, 2020

Really nice story!! The plot is a little fast, but I love the combination of aliens and zombies as others have said before me! Keep writing:)

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00:47 Sep 26, 2020

Thank you for reading. Keep writing :)

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Lani Lane
13:09 Sep 25, 2020

Hi, Keerththan! You asked me to read and here I am.

Some thoughts:

1. "Holding the hands of a girl, who is in a similar situation like you- running away from something, you can't really distinguish."

You don't need the comma there, and watch the passive voice. No need to say "who is in a similar situation like you" -- show instead of tell:

"Holding the hands of a girl and running away from something you can't really distinguish."

2. "Her blue eyes blink every now and then."

All eyes blink. If you're saying this to show that her eyes are blue, you could instead say:

"She is a lean and bold, with striking blue eyes that seem to stare into my soul." Something like that.

3. "She is hurt and blood starts coming out of her little fingers."

You're telling AND showing here. All you need to say is: "Blood starts trickling from her fingers."

4. "You grab her hand and go for it, while she is looking in awe."

There's a few places with passive voice ("is looking" instead of "looks" in here--try to avoid that and pursue active voice instead:

"You grab her hand and make a run for it, while she stares in awe."

Another instance of passive voice: "The creatures are watching you from above."

Say instead: "The creatures watch you from above."

5. "You take some pistols and place them into your pocket. Then you put on the bulletproof jacket and take a rifle in your hands. You walk out of the portal triumphantly. She takes a pistol and walks out of it."

You use "take" three times in those sentences. Use "grab" or "pick up" for the last two times.

6. "Did you load the bullets?" she calls for you.

No need to say "for you," it's clear she's talking only to you.

7. With the introduction of the man, you explain a lot of things in a few lines of dialogue, which comes across unnatural. Try to let the readers guess what the aliens are there for.

Overall, good start here. Very creative. Really focus on showing vs. telling. Keep writing!

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13:35 Sep 27, 2020

Changed everything you said. Thank you for your support. Keep writing.

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Lani Lane
15:08 Sep 27, 2020

Of course!! I'm so glad my comment was helpful. Keep up the fantastic work, Keerththan, you've got some great stuff!

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15:21 Sep 27, 2020

Thank you!

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11:43 Sep 25, 2020

Nice aliens and zombies! Why didn’t I think of that ha. Awesome story

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12:31 Sep 25, 2020

Thanks a lot!

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16:05 Jan 11, 2021

Hello
Just asking if u can submit me a story under 1200 words. Any topic for my podcast.
https://forms.gle/mwRfwtLvKxjAz3tw9

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