112 comments

Fantasy Mystery

i don't know whats been going on with her. Hope was my best friend, i usually knew what was up. Though every time i have been with her for the past few weeks something seemed...off. she seemed to ignore me or just avoid me when i asked her about it. does she not like me anymore? what if she doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore? we've been friends since the first grade though, I'm sure that's not it. oh but what if it is?? That's it! i have to find out whats wrong with her. luckily i Didn't have to wait that long, i was outside on the porch when i saw her. she was taking one of her usual walks during the weekend. we usually did it together though. "hey hope!" i then shouted. she Didn't even look at me, she speeds up though. she heard me! why is she doing that?? i decided to go after her, if she wasn't coming to me then i was going to her. "what do you want." she asked blankly when i caught up to her. she...Doesn't seem happy. did i do something to her? maybe shes just having weird little mood-swings. but why now? i don't think shes ever even had one before. "hope...whats going on?" i asked worried. "nothing. i'm just going for a walk." she sounded annoyed at me. have i been bothering her to much? i Don't think so. she would have told me if i was. "just...leave me alone please" she said. i Don't understand whats going on! she sounded angry to me but now she just sounds sad. what if i really did something to her?? or what if someone else did something terrible to her?? "wait...could we hang tonight?" i asked, maybe us hanging out tonight could fix it. "n-no! goodbye!" she ran away. she seemed frightened...is something wrong for tonight? maybe she just hates the dark and wants to stay home. no...she used to sneak out at night when we were in middle school, why would she be afraid now? That's it. i have to go there tonight and see whats been going on. no matter what. i want her back. this isn't how she used to act! i NEED to get her back. i had waited until around 11 pm until my mother finally went to sleep. finally. i opened the window, i decided it would be the best way to leave. wait...wow a full moon tonight! lily would usually like this...and so do i. its so beautiful. now onto my quest. i climbed down the window and headed for her house. it wasn't that far away so i Didn't have to worry about anything. i reached her house, i had a key so i could just easily unlock the door. "hope?" i then said, hoping she was awake. ""lily?!" i heard behind one of the doors. yes! i knew she would be up by now. i went up and started to try and unlock the door. no luck. damn it! i forgot that she has a key for her room. the key i had wouldn't work for it. i hope this isn't to weird or anything in the morning. "uh sorry..." i mumbled and then quickly ran out of the house. i at least locked the front door back so nothing else could happen. i went back through my window when i got home and decided to go to sleep. i needed some time to think about all this. when i woke up the next morning my mother was standing in front of me. "huh..? oh morning" i mumbled, still tired from last night. "a friends here" she told me. well crap. this is going to be a really weird time if its her. "thanks mom" i quickly got dressed and ran to the front door. yep. it was hope. "hey lily..." she let herself in, well alright? shes a friend so i guess its fine. "so uh what are you here for?? are we finally gonna hang out?" i shouldn't be getting so excited, its probably only for last night. "eh...kind of...i had a strange dream..." she told me. "alright what is it?" i should get ready for all of the awkwardness. "well...were you there last night? i think i had a dream where you were with me." yes! she thinks it was only a dream! at least i Don't have to explain. oh wait...what if she found out the truth with that? its still gonna be really strange then. "oh um, no but that's a really strange dream" i smiled trying to not act weird. she suddenly started to laugh a bit. whats so funny? "your smiles so adorable!" is...she back? she Doesn't seem to be acting strange right now, this seems normal. "h-hope..." oh no why..?? i couldn't even help it, i think i was starting to cry. i hugged her, for the first time in weeks we hugged...it felt good. "aw come on lily...its alright..." she...was comforting me, she wouldn't be comforting me if she was the other hope. he hanged out after so many weeks and then she left, but...i still need to find out what was wrong. i waited until midnight this time and did the same thing from last night. another full moon...so beautiful. i unlocked the front door and i managed to open her door as well. i guess she decided to not lock it this time. i saw her...staring at the full moon not noticing that i was there. though i noticed something else, she was...changing. "hope..?" i asked walking over carefully. she gasped and turned around as she finally knew i was here. "L-lily..." she was backing away from me. "p-please....can you keep a secret...?"

well there you have it, but I'm terribly sorry if this is really bad

August 15, 2020 19:46

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112 comments

Lonnie Larson
02:58 Aug 27, 2020

Good story. I liked it. Work on the sentence structure. Seperate the dialoug between people speaking. Use capitals.

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B. W.
03:18 Aug 27, 2020

I'm glad you enjoyed it. i know i have to work on some of that stuff, i'll try to use Grammarly or something else to help :)

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Radhika Diksha
05:22 Oct 27, 2020

Wow good story line, as usual first stories have bad grammar and sentence formation . But now you have improved very nicely, and I have seen your efforts in your writing style too. And as far for the story I loved the concept very much. Now I'm hoping to another story

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B. W.
05:32 Oct 27, 2020

what do ya mean "as usual" with that? is my grammar and all that other stuff always bad in my newer and recent ones as well?

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Radhika Diksha
05:38 Oct 27, 2020

No, sorry I actually wrote something else I literally didn't mean that. I updated my comment. Don't worry you are improving day by day. Just relax and chill

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B. W.
05:39 Oct 27, 2020

well alright? did ya ever maybe have a favorite character or something with this story?

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Radhika Diksha
05:42 Oct 27, 2020

Actually I'm Indian, so in our country the female who change their bodies are called Nagins. So I could relate with your story more. Give your feedback on my stories too

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B. W.
05:43 Oct 27, 2020

Huh? what do ya mean, what did i mention in this story that would make ya relate to it more along with the nagin thing?

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Roger Crane
05:52 Mar 08, 2021

Well, Hope, I tried to find your first story but I don't think from comments here that this is your first. Anyway, I will review this one as it seems to be early and a stand-alone. Here goes my normal type critique. Yes, this story had a beginning, middle, and end. And I could understand what was happening--sort of. It was not such a bad story as you yourself seemed to think. You had a twist ending in mind and I like that. If you did look at my humor stories you saw the same idea. Look, if you have a week to write it, do some serious thin...

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B. W.
15:22 Mar 08, 2021

Eh? This one *is* my very first story that I did on here, I never made one before this one and deleted it, though I've still been thinking of deleting this one from time to time. I probably won't do it though. I do have a checker thing, it's called Grammarly, but I only recently got it out 3 months ago or so. I never had it when I was making this and some other stories, I only got it after some friends and other people started suggesting to me that I should try to use it or use something else, that way it would actually be able to help me wi...

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Roger Crane
18:22 Mar 08, 2021

Okay Hope, I get you. You had comments on this story saying that you were writing better now.?? Anyway, going on... I understand your situation now. I have heard of Grammerly, and apparently you don't use a PC, because Word is the main thing there and its grammar helpers are built-in. And it is good to use whatever you have, but for most people (98% I'd say) it is optimum to get an actual book of grammar for learning the subject. That is indispensable to any writer, more than simply checking your work after you write it and making suggested...

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B. W.
18:53 Mar 08, 2021

Oh, that was because I had asked some friends and other people to check out my first story, to just kind of see how far I've come from this to my most recent one. Or to just compare this one to the more recent one, I guess. I was actually considering a little bit ago re-doing this story, at least if I find any good prompts at some point. Just different character names and a different secret and all of that, a friend had suggested at some point that maybe it would be a little fun to do that. Though I'll probably just keep making new stories a...

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Roger Crane
19:02 Mar 08, 2021

Voice acting, that's interesting. My impression was that well-known actors or other celebrities did that sort of thing, but I am not really in the know. Yes, as you said, it would still carry benefits to be able to write, and to write precisely. Well worth the effort, Hope, as it is used in the world in a plethora of ways--even more than math. BTW, I don't always refrain from using big words because we all should use a dictionary and increase our vocab. I did not say, but besides the grammar book, you should ALWAYS write with a dictionary be...

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B. W.
20:01 Mar 08, 2021

I just really hope that I actually will be able to become one, because we have to meet with someone who could help me and get me an agent, and all of that stuff.

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00:27 Mar 05, 2021

Wow. first story! You've really improved

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B. W.
00:34 Mar 05, 2021

Thanks ^^ Yeah, my recent stories are way better than this and I think I've improved a lot. I've always been considering if I should delete this story though, its just bad.

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Sia S
05:05 Nov 26, 2020

Hi

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B. W.
05:19 Nov 26, 2020

what do ya think we should talk about first for it?

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Sia S
05:23 Nov 26, 2020

Ummm the plot. I'm good with characters

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B. W.
05:41 Nov 26, 2020

You want it to be a fantasy thing?

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Sia S
05:44 Nov 26, 2020

Maybe a fantasy mystery thing

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B. W.
05:55 Nov 26, 2020

what do ya think should happen in it?

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Orenda .
05:49 Nov 26, 2020

dude, I thought I'd troll, but UPDATE THE DOC! Change it to, anyone on the internet can edit, if you haven't.

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Avani G
20:51 Nov 01, 2020

This was a good try for your first story, B. Try breaking sections up into paragraphs. Think of it like a family. Each member in a family is related. Every sentence in a paragraph are related. And try capitalizing the first letter/word once you begin a sentence. Google Doc's editor or Gramarly should do the rest :). Nice job!

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B. W.
21:03 Nov 01, 2020

are my other stories like my recent ones and stuff better than this?

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Avani G
22:40 Nov 01, 2020

Yes, they're much better! They're more grammatically correct, tbh.

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B. W.
22:43 Nov 01, 2020

thanks ^^

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Avani G
22:44 Nov 01, 2020

No problem!

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B. W.
22:45 Nov 01, 2020

This was kinda my least favorite thing that I've done, I might delete it at some point :/

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I liked the whole plot and theme, to be honest. Just like P. Jean said, I think it would be better to break some sentences into paragraphs. There shouldn't be two different people speaking on the same line. But I like your ending! A great effort for your first story :)

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B. W.
20:39 Aug 15, 2020

thank you for that and yeah ill keep that in mind for the next story and the other ones. im actually starting to try and work on the next one, to be honest i finished the first one in maybe half an hour so this one shouldn't take to long. i might tell ya when the next one comes out

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Alright!

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Coco Longstaff
01:15 Jan 03, 2021

Hi B, This is not terrible at all! Actually, its amazing! I like the format and the way you described the main character’s opinions and such. Niceeee

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B. W.
01:16 Jan 03, 2021

Blaire? That's not my name, though thanks ^^

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Coco Longstaff
01:17 Jan 03, 2021

Huh. That was embarrassing. I saw someone wrote Blaire to you. Sorry😅

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B. W.
01:18 Jan 03, 2021

that was probably during october/halloween. People including me changed their names for it, mine was Blair Witch.

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Coco Longstaff
01:19 Jan 03, 2021

Oh ok sorry then should I just call you B?

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B. W.
01:45 Jan 03, 2021

You could call me B or Hope if ya want, i like that name

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Charles Stucker
09:34 Oct 19, 2020

As you asked. You've become far better at punctuation, paragraph structure and capitalization. You stopped making everything italics, which is excellent because long sections in italics can prove difficult to read. The basic plot is good. It shows your talent is a natural gift. You have the imagination required to make a decent scene. So, I can see very good improvement since this. To have come so far in three months is excellent.

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B. W.
14:21 Oct 19, 2020

Thanks ^^ yeah, i think i just thought if i made the whole story in italics or something it would look really good.

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Brandon Johnson
14:29 Aug 17, 2020

Nice Story! You've definitely got potential. Here are a few tips to make things flow better: Space out paragraphs, capitalize the I, and the first letter of every sentence. When creating paragraphs, you can think of them as small puzzle pieces of the whole story. Each one could be describing a certain scene or location. Once the character is done interacting with the said scene, you can move on to the next paragraph. Keep writing and reading! You'll definitely improve and find yourself better able to express yourself by learning from...

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B. W.
16:58 Aug 17, 2020

Aw thank you, yeah i still have to try and work on the Paragraphs thing and the capitalization stuff, i think ill just get better as i go on making more stories maybe ill still work on the other things thank you

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02:32 Aug 17, 2020

Gods and goddesses hmm? Don't wait, consult your imagination and start writing. You'd be surprised at how much you know! Right away, (just an idea) think of a society that evolved with the help of a principle father and mother, gods who have steered primitive man from the forests to high rise cities... and now the people feel they can do fine without the gods telling them what to do all the time. At the moment, the best book to harvest 'god' ideas is the U.B. Full of fodder. Keep writing!

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B. W.
02:43 Aug 17, 2020

huh? do you mean by what i said in my bio? thanks for the idea maybe ill try doing it but i already kind of have an idea for it. its kinda like the greek gods and goddesses so i guess like a story with the kids of the gods, maybe something like percy jackson or something. lately i've been into all the greek gods and goddesses but i dont know where to write a story about it. I'm not sure if i'd be able to on what this weeks prompt is

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Saranglogy R
12:35 Aug 16, 2020

I usually read story starting with a sentence, "Can you keep a secret". But you ended with it. i liked the whole plot. And I found little difficult to read since everything was in one paragraph. :)

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B. W.
16:57 Aug 16, 2020

Im glad you liked it and yeah i couldn't really think of how to start it with "can you keep a secret" because i wanted the thing to be more of a secret instead of it being at the beginning of it and yeah im changing it into several things and not just one parapraph

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P. Jean
20:13 Aug 15, 2020

I “think” I would like the story content if it were more readable. Breaks for sentences, paragraphs and conversation. The story seemed ok!

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B. W.
20:18 Aug 15, 2020

thanks for the advice with that, im still not that good with stories but in the next one ill make ill try that.

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P. Jean
20:28 Aug 15, 2020

Good luck. Keep writing. Great ideas and imagination are important the housekeeping can be learned!

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