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i don't know whats been going on with her. Hope was my best friend, i usually knew what was up. Though every time i have been with her for the past few weeks something seemed...off. she seemed to ignore me or just avoid me when i asked her about it. does she not like me anymore? what if she doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore? we've been friends since the first grade though, I'm sure that's not it. oh but what if it is?? That's it! i have to find out whats wrong with her. luckily i Didn't have to wait that long, i was outside on the porch when i saw her. she was taking one of her usual walks during the weekend. we usually did it together though. "hey hope!" i then shouted. she Didn't even look at me, she speeds up though. she heard me! why is she doing that?? i decided to go after her, if she wasn't coming to me then i was going to her. "what do you want." she asked blankly when i caught up to her. she...Doesn't seem happy. did i do something to her? maybe shes just having weird little mood-swings. but why now? i don't think shes ever even had one before. "hope...whats going on?" i asked worried. "nothing. i'm just going for a walk." she sounded annoyed at me. have i been bothering her to much? i Don't think so. she would have told me if i was. "just...leave me alone please" she said. i Don't understand whats going on! she sounded angry to me but now she just sounds sad. what if i really did something to her?? or what if someone else did something terrible to her?? "wait...could we hang tonight?" i asked, maybe us hanging out tonight could fix it. "n-no! goodbye!" she ran away. she seemed frightened...is something wrong for tonight? maybe she just hates the dark and wants to stay home. no...she used to sneak out at night when we were in middle school, why would she be afraid now? That's it. i have to go there tonight and see whats been going on. no matter what. i want her back. this isn't how she used to act! i NEED to get her back. i had waited until around 11 pm until my mother finally went to sleep. finally. i opened the window, i decided it would be the best way to leave. wait...wow a full moon tonight! lily would usually like this...and so do i. its so beautiful. now onto my quest. i climbed down the window and headed for her house. it wasn't that far away so i Didn't have to worry about anything. i reached her house, i had a key so i could just easily unlock the door. "hope?" i then said, hoping she was awake. ""lily?!" i heard behind one of the doors. yes! i knew she would be up by now. i went up and started to try and unlock the door. no luck. damn it! i forgot that she has a key for her room. the key i had wouldn't work for it. i hope this isn't to weird or anything in the morning. "uh sorry..." i mumbled and then quickly ran out of the house. i at least locked the front door back so nothing else could happen. i went back through my window when i got home and decided to go to sleep. i needed some time to think about all this. when i woke up the next morning my mother was standing in front of me. "huh..? oh morning" i mumbled, still tired from last night. "a friends here" she told me. well crap. this is going to be a really weird time if its her. "thanks mom" i quickly got dressed and ran to the front door. yep. it was hope. "hey lily..." she let herself in, well alright? shes a friend so i guess its fine. "so uh what are you here for?? are we finally gonna hang out?" i shouldn't be getting so excited, its probably only for last night. "eh...kind of...i had a strange dream..." she told me. "alright what is it?" i should get ready for all of the awkwardness. "well...were you there last night? i think i had a dream where you were with me." yes! she thinks it was only a dream! at least i Don't have to explain. oh wait...what if she found out the truth with that? its still gonna be really strange then. "oh um, no but that's a really strange dream" i smiled trying to not act weird. she suddenly started to laugh a bit. whats so funny? "your smiles so adorable!" is...she back? she Doesn't seem to be acting strange right now, this seems normal. "h-hope..." oh no why..?? i couldn't even help it, i think i was starting to cry. i hugged her, for the first time in weeks we hugged...it felt good. "aw come on lily...its alright..." she...was comforting me, she wouldn't be comforting me if she was the other hope. he hanged out after so many weeks and then she left, but...i still need to find out what was wrong. i waited until midnight this time and did the same thing from last night. another full moon...so beautiful. i unlocked the front door and i managed to open her door as well. i guess she decided to not lock it this time. i saw her...staring at the full moon not noticing that i was there. though i noticed something else, she was...changing. "hope..?" i asked walking over carefully. she gasped and turned around as she finally knew i was here. "L-lily..." she was backing away from me. "p-please....can you keep a secret...?"
well there you have it, but I'm terribly sorry if this is really bad
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Good story. I liked it. Work on the sentence structure. Seperate the dialoug between people speaking. Use capitals.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. i know i have to work on some of that stuff, i'll try to use Grammarly or something else to help :)
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Wow good story line, as usual first stories have bad grammar and sentence formation . But now you have improved very nicely, and I have seen your efforts in your writing style too.
And as far for the story I loved the concept very much. Now I'm hoping to another story
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what do ya mean "as usual" with that? is my grammar and all that other stuff always bad in my newer and recent ones as well?
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No, sorry I actually wrote something else I literally didn't mean that. I updated my comment. Don't worry you are improving day by day. Just relax and chill
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well alright? did ya ever maybe have a favorite character or something with this story?
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Actually I'm Indian, so in our country the female who change their bodies are called Nagins. So I could relate with your story more. Give your feedback on my stories too
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Huh? what do ya mean, what did i mention in this story that would make ya relate to it more along with the nagin thing?
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Well, Hope, I tried to find your first story but I don't think from comments here that this is your first. Anyway, I will review this one as it seems to be early and a stand-alone. Here goes my normal type critique.
Yes, this story had a beginning, middle, and end. And I could understand what was happening--sort of. It was not such a bad story as you yourself seemed to think. You had a twist ending in mind and I like that. If you did look at my humor stories you saw the same idea.
Look, if you have a week to write it, do some serious thinking first and take your time (I would take six or seven days if I were you). After all, you're not just writing for the $50, nor for fame. This is practice. And your grammar is generally not bad at all, compared to most I see. Spelling is good. You mentioned using some kind of checker and I would advise you always do--for spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.
One thing that you and every other new writer does is overwrite. I always say that's better than underwriting. At least you have ideas to put on paper. The problem is saying the same thing several times in different ways (which is still redundancy). For instance, it took you about 90 words (5 1/2 lines) to say that you don't know what is wrong with Hope, your best friend since grade school and, although you have tried to figure her out, she seems to be ignoring you (29 words here). Next, you switch in and out of present and past without clear demarcations for the reader. At "I didn't have to wait that long," you should have had a break, since this is later on. Third, the logic suffers throughout in little ways; such as her going to her friends house and then running home again--not explained. You could have used up 3,000 words on this story, so you should have done more to make it clear--especially at the end. That is the part that justifies everything else--all the build-up with her avoidance of you. The fact she "was changing"--give us only a tease and we wanted more, even though I know you can't go past the line "Can you keep a secret" because of the prompt. You could have, for instance, said something about how she was changing before that last line (looks, reptilian skin, whatever).
The truth is, many of these prompts are extremely difficult to write for, which is why I am very selective. They are very imaginative but still difficult and very specific, and so the writer's skills are really stressed. Sometimes it is almost a no win situation, and this one may be included. I will read some more occasionally, Hope, but don't let me discourage you from growing. It is worth it, but only if YOU like what you are doing. Oh, and never put down your own writing, the way you did with that last line. Save that for others, if it happens, but be your own best friend and supporter. Take care. BTW, I usually never read other comments when I critique--too often they are unreliably intent on being complimentary.
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Eh? This one *is* my very first story that I did on here, I never made one before this one and deleted it, though I've still been thinking of deleting this one from time to time. I probably won't do it though. I do have a checker thing, it's called Grammarly, but I only recently got it out 3 months ago or so. I never had it when I was making this and some other stories, I only got it after some friends and other people started suggesting to me that I should try to use it or use something else, that way it would actually be able to help me with some of the errors I make in them. I actually do remember why it really strange with the writing and all that, I had kept changing it a lot because I didn't like what I was doing with it. Then I ended up finishing the story before it got to 1000 words and ended up trying to submit it, though I didn't know until after that, that I needed to get it to that and all of that stuff. So I kinda just to change a lot of other stuff to make it fit that.
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Okay Hope, I get you. You had comments on this story saying that you were writing better now.?? Anyway, going on...
I understand your situation now. I have heard of Grammerly, and apparently you don't use a PC, because Word is the main thing there and its grammar helpers are built-in. And it is good to use whatever you have, but for most people (98% I'd say) it is optimum to get an actual book of grammar for learning the subject. That is indispensable to any writer, more than simply checking your work after you write it and making suggested changes. These helpers cannot fix logic problems in your grammar, awkward phrases, etc. A very basic one is the old classis Strunk and White, but there are others. The great thing about that book is simplicity of explanation and style. You will quickly understand how to put this English language together on paper. See, you must understand that speaking and writing the language are two different things; kind of like two languages, which we switch from back and forth (I'm sure you do get this, but in practice, we forget--we simply write like we talk, and that is why I said that you can't write any better than you talk). I'm not talking about writing something that can only be understood (and only by the people who talk like you do--for instance, the word "stuff"--a very poor word to use in literature except as dialogue because people talking use that word) but I'm talking about something that can be called "literature" and will appeal to a wider audience. You are young and if you desire a career in writing, you will need that appeal. Despite how your friends talk, that is not the world, and certainly not the world of great books--and isn't that what we all want to write?
I'm spending a lot of time on this because so many have missed it. I don't know where you are located, but teaching is not what it used to be virtually anywhere. You cannot simply go by what everyone around you is saying or writing. Do some research, read the good books I suggested (or just skim through them) and you will see. You said earlier that my suggestions might help a little, which illustrates what I am saying--no, they would help a lot! If you want to make a million dollars, you don't go to a poor man to find out how, but to a millionaire. Think of me as a teacher (I am a retired English/composition teacher, so you are fortunate to have your very own tutor, as it were). I'm giving you valuable advice, Hope. And the reason that I take so much time with you is first of all that I can; I am retired and can choose what I do at any time (mostly). I like the effort you obviously put into this, it speaks well of your talent (yes, desire goes along with talent). It only takes a tiny mustard seed to grow a great tree, Hope, so give yourself a chance. That's the third and primary reason: you asked for help, and it is always a pleasure to help anyone who wants it (that's the teacher in me).
Let's get back to your story. The main problem is that you have too many random thoughts, or repetitions of the same thought that serve no purpose. I could take your story and cut the word count at least in half while not deleting one piece of useful information or description. I already gave you one example. Have you ever heard that "brevity is the soul of wit?" Get to the punch line in the joke and your audience will love you for it. A secondary problem is the logical sequence of events and the rationale for each. Bear with me and I'll tell you some ways to improve that.
A writer needs a certain set of skills, and also attitudes. Patience is one of them, and energy is the other. I am sure that you have both, but focus is a third. Focus your patience and energy on editing properly. You may (and should) write whatever comes into your mind as you think about the theme of your story, characters, events, etc. But then, go back and edit by thinking logically. This is the mental effort necessary to focus on the important things and drop the unimportant. What is really important to your story? You say that you kept changing your story. That is as it should be. You must be satisfied that what is in your mind is coming out on the paper. Many people find it helpful to make an outline of their story before they even begin writing, after they get a valid idea. I have done this, but not anymore. Still famous authors do it. You must know where you are coming from and going at all times. I spent many, many hours thinking about Dragon's Tooth, for instance. The whole trilogy is almost 350 thousand words, and I edited it 6 times. Of course, we're not doing that on Reedsy. Get your ideas down and do the best you can in one week, and then get your critiques (and one that is all flattery is no use to you at all--maybe worse, because it lulls your writing vigor to sleep).
I mentioned a "valid idea" for a story. Let me tell you what that is, because it will spare you many wasted hours--and I hope you have some musical background, because that will make it easier. My music teacher (piano) taught me the difference between a melody and a combination of notes. A melody is going somewhere with the notes; it is not random, although it may seem that way at first. The initial notes are picked up by the later ones and there is some repetition and some new, harmonious notes added in. A good story is the same (Yes, it may have beginning, middle, and end, but also) it has cohesiveness, in which the theme is echoed all through the story. You actually did that in this story and the other, but without as much purpose as it needed. One central idea should permeate and ripple through your story and be developed (like the musical notes) as you go along, fuller and fuller until the final denouement (revelation). It is a pity that I don't put my best stories on Reedsy, but if you will read one I will email it to you--if you ask. Well, that's about all you can handle now, I think, Hope.
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Oh, that was because I had asked some friends and other people to check out my first story, to just kind of see how far I've come from this to my most recent one. Or to just compare this one to the more recent one, I guess. I was actually considering a little bit ago re-doing this story, at least if I find any good prompts at some point. Just different character names and a different secret and all of that, a friend had suggested at some point that maybe it would be a little fun to do that. Though I'll probably just keep making new stories and not just newer versions of old stories, I might simply just do one and that's it. While I do want to become a good writer/author, I actually really want to become a Voice Actor aswell. Maybe Voice Acting would be what I do mostly, and then writing novels and all of that could be what I do whenever I have free time.
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Voice acting, that's interesting. My impression was that well-known actors or other celebrities did that sort of thing, but I am not really in the know. Yes, as you said, it would still carry benefits to be able to write, and to write precisely. Well worth the effort, Hope, as it is used in the world in a plethora of ways--even more than math. BTW, I don't always refrain from using big words because we all should use a dictionary and increase our vocab. I did not say, but besides the grammar book, you should ALWAYS write with a dictionary beside you. I do. Don't depend solely on the synonym finder of your computer. You will find yourself using some of those words in conversation and want to use them properly. Good writing!
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I just really hope that I actually will be able to become one, because we have to meet with someone who could help me and get me an agent, and all of that stuff.
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Wow. first story! You've really improved
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Thanks ^^ Yeah, my recent stories are way better than this and I think I've improved a lot. I've always been considering if I should delete this story though, its just bad.
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Hi
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what do ya think we should talk about first for it?
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Ummm the plot. I'm good with characters
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You want it to be a fantasy thing?
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Maybe a fantasy mystery thing
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what do ya think should happen in it?
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dude, I thought I'd troll, but UPDATE THE DOC! Change it to, anyone on the internet can edit, if you haven't.
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This was a good try for your first story, B.
Try breaking sections up into paragraphs. Think of it like a family. Each member in a family is related. Every sentence in a paragraph are related. And try capitalizing the first letter/word once you begin a sentence. Google Doc's editor or Gramarly should do the rest :).
Nice job!
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are my other stories like my recent ones and stuff better than this?
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Yes, they're much better! They're more grammatically correct, tbh.
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thanks ^^
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No problem!
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This was kinda my least favorite thing that I've done, I might delete it at some point :/
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I liked the whole plot and theme, to be honest. Just like P. Jean said, I think it would be better to break some sentences into paragraphs. There shouldn't be two different people speaking on the same line. But I like your ending! A great effort for your first story :)
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thank you for that and yeah ill keep that in mind for the next story and the other ones. im actually starting to try and work on the next one, to be honest i finished the first one in maybe half an hour so this one shouldn't take to long. i might tell ya when the next one comes out
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Alright!
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Hi B,
This is not terrible at all!
Actually, its amazing! I like the format and the way you described the main character’s opinions and such. Niceeee
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Blaire? That's not my name, though thanks ^^
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Huh. That was embarrassing. I saw someone wrote Blaire to you. Sorry😅
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that was probably during october/halloween. People including me changed their names for it, mine was Blair Witch.
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Oh ok sorry then should I just call you B?
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You could call me B or Hope if ya want, i like that name
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As you asked. You've become far better at punctuation, paragraph structure and capitalization. You stopped making everything italics, which is excellent because long sections in italics can prove difficult to read. The basic plot is good. It shows your talent is a natural gift. You have the imagination required to make a decent scene. So, I can see very good improvement since this. To have come so far in three months is excellent.
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Thanks ^^ yeah, i think i just thought if i made the whole story in italics or something it would look really good.
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Nice Story! You've definitely got potential. Here are a few tips to make things flow better: Space out paragraphs, capitalize the I, and the first letter of every sentence.
When creating paragraphs, you can think of them as small puzzle pieces of the whole story. Each one could be describing a certain scene or location. Once the character is done interacting with the said scene, you can move on to the next paragraph.
Keep writing and reading! You'll definitely improve and find yourself better able to express yourself by learning from others!
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Aw thank you, yeah i still have to try and work on the Paragraphs thing and the capitalization stuff, i think ill just get better as i go on making more stories maybe ill still work on the other things thank you
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Gods and goddesses hmm? Don't wait, consult your imagination and start writing. You'd be surprised at how much you know! Right away, (just an idea) think of a society that evolved with the help of a principle father and mother, gods who have steered primitive man from the forests to high rise cities... and now the people feel they can do fine without the gods telling them what to do all the time.
At the moment, the best book to harvest 'god' ideas is the U.B. Full of fodder.
Keep writing!
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huh? do you mean by what i said in my bio? thanks for the idea maybe ill try doing it but i already kind of have an idea for it. its kinda like the greek gods and goddesses so i guess like a story with the kids of the gods, maybe something like percy jackson or something. lately i've been into all the greek gods and goddesses but i dont know where to write a story about it. I'm not sure if i'd be able to on what this weeks prompt is
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I usually read story starting with a sentence, "Can you keep a secret". But you ended with it. i liked the whole plot. And I found little difficult to read since everything was in one paragraph. :)
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Im glad you liked it and yeah i couldn't really think of how to start it with "can you keep a secret" because i wanted the thing to be more of a secret instead of it being at the beginning of it and yeah im changing it into several things and not just one parapraph
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I “think” I would like the story content if it were more readable. Breaks for sentences, paragraphs and conversation. The story seemed ok!
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thanks for the advice with that, im still not that good with stories but in the next one ill make ill try that.
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Good luck. Keep writing. Great ideas and imagination are important the housekeeping can be learned!
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