Gold sliced through the light pink like a knife. The gold exploded where it was, filling more of the sky.
It looked fabricated, too good for the conditions we had been facing. I knew it wasn’t though. It was a perfect time to die. While the sun was still young.
“Wow,” the girl next to me murmured, her hazel eyes widened and her eyebrows raised.
I laughed at her, and she turned to me, laughing too. “Haven’t ya ever seen a sunrise like this?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” - she nodded and slapped my shoulder, her lips pursed - “course I’ve, idiot! But this... it’s just... it seems so sinister, you know?”
“I get it, this isn’t right. But why don’t we try to enjoy it while it lasts?”
She smiled at me with cracked, dry lips, then said, “Hell, mah throat is drier than paper.”
I shook my head and rested it on the makeshift pillow below it. Then I did all I could do: stared at the muck tan walls of the house in which we had been staying. Dust rose from below my sleeping bag as I did, and I watched as it floated away.
❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂
I awoke to coughing. My eyesight was dizzy at first, but I adjusted to the light.
Dust rose from the dirt-covered wood floor, and pieces of cement made crunch sounds as boots crushed them into smaller pieces. The wood creaked as Alyona paced back and forth.
“So bored,” she groaned, kicking the dust into the air and watching it fall. “Nothing to do here!”
She sang a song that I had never heard and I listened. Her voice was so soothing, like a back massage or knowing that you’ve paid all your bills for the month.
Alyona hated it here, I could tell. She wanted to be with everybody else. Unlike me, she hated being alone.
“Someone really wants you here,” I joked, yawning and reaching for my toes.
“Yeah, I dunno why, but whatever.”
She had tried to leave so many times. Starved herself, suffocated herself, attempted to drown herself (but when our water source dried out, she didn’t bother, even when we found another one.)
We were so different. I could’ve stayed there for the rest of my life, slept through it all. I didn’t need people. Though Alyona had been nice, I’d forget about her right away.
She was like a fluffy baby goat. She attracted everyone. Alyona refused to live without people, so I didn’t have a clue on how she survived this long here. Especially with the new psychos.
Because most water sources had dried out, animals acted like bees after they sting.
The only things left to eat are rotten food and human flesh, and some-most have gone with the latter option.
My finger grazed the flamingo pink scar Alyona has on her leg. It ran from her hip to her knee. She didn’t react, just pressed up against me.
Cold air pinched my cheeks, and my bare feet froze like the icicles that hung off of the bit of roof we have left.
I nudged Alyona with my elbow. She opened her eyes and stared at me.
“Here,” I said, handing over the thin sheet of fabric. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
“Thanks,” she whispered in my ear, sharing the fabric with me. Her freezing skin was pressed against mine, and we were holding on.
The gold had faded, and light blue took over the sky. It was officially daytime, and we’d survived. I expected nothing during the day. The night was by far the most dangerous time of the entire day.
At night, monsters and psychos emerged from their hiding. They lurked and hunted for their next victims, waiting in the emptiness. Nighttime is torture, and the numbers got smaller every night.
Every night, there was a greater chance of Alyona and me being targeted.
We have slept during the day so that our energy could keep us alive through the night.
I drifted off to sleep, knowing that Alyona would wake me up when the night fell.
❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂
“Gosh, we already have homework!” Dajaun groans, setting his backpack down on the cement and shoves his books inside.
I stand by him, looking around.
No no no, please, not this one.
A puddle of red caught my eye. It was hidden behind a staircase to an apartment next to us.
“Guys,” I say, my eyes wide. All of them: Dajaun, Asong, and Matias all turned toward me, furrowing their eyebrows.
The barbed gate, hidden in the shadows of the alleyway next to us, shook viciously.
“What the hell?” Asong exclaims, jumping back.
“Guys, look,” I say, pointing at the puddle behind me.
Matias’s eyes widen. “We gotta get away from here,” he says, picking up Dajaun’s backpack.
The gate rattles, and a scream comes from the other side.
“Help-” someone croaks, then another scream.
Asong and I glance at each other, our eyes wide.
“Hello?” I say as Asong gets his phone out, “is anyone there?”
Asong points his flashlight at the gate. I was afraid to look, but I did it anyway.
My jaw drops and my eyes widen.
Asong and I glance at each other again and let out a tiny scream.
Behind the gate is a body. Blood is pouring from the fresh stab wound.
“Hey, what’s going on?” a voice asks from behind us. Asong jumps, his skin paler than normal.
Dajaun and Matias are standing behind us, their eyes on the body.
Standing in the far corner of the alleyway is another person, and they grin at us, taking the knife out of the body and licking the blood that comes off.
I can’t move. My feet are tied to the ground.
They smile at me, then reach for the body and tear the clothes off of it. Then satisfied and proud, takes a bite of the flesh.
The rotten smell of the dead fills the air.
I felt sick.
Why would someone do that?
I run away, toward my home, where everyone is civil and safe to be around.
“Gosh, I can’t-” Asong whispers, his voice cracking. “Why? Why would-” he broke down into tears.
“It’s okay, dude. Don’t worry, we’ll never end up like that. Right?” Matias says, wrapping his arm around Asong.
❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂
“Wake up, Cason! Wake up!”
I open my eyes and see Alyona’s face on my chest. Her tears have made my shirt soggy.
I sit up, stroking her hair behind her ear.
“What’s wrong?” I exclaimed, my eyes wide.
Alyona looked up at me, her eyes glossy like plastic wrap. “You were screaming in your sleep...”
“I’m okay, Alya.” I smiled at her.
“Alright...” she stared at me, her eyebrow cocked.
Silence filled the air, and Alyona fidgeted with her fingers and glanced at me occasionally. Once I looked back at her though, she turned her head.
“Also,” - she turned herself to face me - “I-“
Alyona coughed violently, and her breaths sounded more like gasps.
“Alya!” I exclaimed, my eyes widening.
Her hand slid against the wood floor, and some dust floated off her fingers as she balled her hands into fists.
“It’s okay! I’m fine, I’m fine!” she said to me, giving me a shaky smile.
She coughed again, and this time, blood spurted out of her mouth.
“No, you’re not!” I exclaimed, forcing her to lie down. “Do you need water? You said your throat was so dry, maybe this’ll help!”
“This is good, Cason!” Alyona said, pushing me away. “It’s okay, this is how it’s supposed to be.”
I stared at Alyona, my eyes wide. “Please...” I said, my voice weak. “I couldn’t help anyone before, I’m not making the same mistake.”
She touched my lips with hers and started coughing again. Her mouth didn’t move, she said nothing as the coughing stopped.
❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂ ❂
The reflection of the moon on the lake was distorted, yet so beautiful.
I sat on the dirt in front of the lake, my nails digging into the soft dirt.
It was a full moon, and it reminded me of Alyona, but I didn’t know why.
Maybe it was a sign.
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233 comments
Nice
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Thanksssssssssss! :)
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Nice
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Thanksssssssssss! :) lol
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Heyyy, could you give me some feedback on my new(ish) story??
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Sure, after I finish my homework though, sorry!
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That's fine!!!
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Alright, I commented a while ago, have you seen it? :)
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Yep, thanks!
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Wow Raquel - this is some story. You had me right from the beginning with the line “it was a perfect time to die.” And then your descriptions - tight but vivid - kept me wanting to read more. You also developed your protagonist so well. From the beginning where he/she (I wasn’t sure) expressed almost a pride in the ability to be alone .... to the end where there was a sadness in the death of Alyona. I had the sense that maybe the protagonist had somewhat more compassion than I’d seen at the beginning. Well done!
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Thank you, Kristin! Sorry I replied late, I had a huge Thanksgiving dinner and some of my family got together to celebrate my aunt's birthday. Oh, the protagonist is a he, and Alyona says his name a few times. I did that on purpose :) Thank you! I'm glad you liked! I'm still trying to learn and get better. Thanks!
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I think we are all always working to learn more and try to get better! A 80 year old woman once told me "we are all forever works in progress." I like that!
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Yes, I completely agree with her, I'm glad you shared with me. I also like that, that woman is very wise. :)
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Nice worldbuilding here. Your descriptions are well-rounded and clear, very enjoyable. This really fit the prompt well, and I like that. Poor, poor Alyona. But I felt the most sympathetic for Cason, who had to watch her die! Tragic and beautiful. I think your only problems are sentences like "Harsh coughing caused my eyelids to separate." It's a little backward and clunky to read. You could try something as simple as "I awoke coughing." Keep it up!
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Thank you, Zilla! I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, I did too, it's traumatizing to see two people die right in front of you. Oh, alright, I'll try to watch out for that, I didn't really edit this, so that's probably why. Thank you! :)
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No problem!
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Well done on the prompt! I think you build up your characters very well. Especially the way you gave subtle clues from the beginning that Alyona was not so well, and maybe things were going the way they did. I'm glad at least she did not end up eating Carson :) An important thing to look for - tenses. Past and present alternated a lot, almost made me dizzy a few times. In the future, try reading through the story one more time after you finish just checking for tense consistency. Or just read it out loud; this usually helps. 😊
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Thank you, Bianka! :) I'm glad you think so, and I'm glad she didn't either. Oh my goshhhh! I'm really sorry about that, I wasn't really focused while I was writing this, sorry! Alright, I didn't really edit this, so... Also, I know the last paragraph was in present-tense, and that's because that is where Cason is now, retelling that story
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Wow! This story is so heartfelt. First of all, I absolutely love the first line "Gold sliced through the light pink like a knife. The gold exploded where it was, filling more of the sky." So beautiful. ANd I loved how you added the flashback. This was a very amazing story.
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Thank you so much, Rachelll! I had to really think about that line, I'm glad to hear that you liked it. I searched up various pictures of sunrises, and I accidently put 'sunset' instead of 'sunrise' in my story. I only noticed after Arham told me over a zoom call, lol. Thank you againnn! I'm so glad you liked the story!
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That's funny! I cant wait to read more of your writing!!
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Thanksss! :)
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Heyy ive got a new story out could you read and give critiques?
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Yeah, definitely! I'll read it after school!
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Ok. So I have a big prob. I've already seen two people (one of them is you) do like the best job ever. How the cookie am I gonna win a contest with this sort of stuff around? (Jk, of course, winning isn't what matters to me, and pls keep up your stories!) Beautiful job.
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Lol, sameee, but you're really good too :) Thank youuuuuuu! :) I'm glad you liked it, though I'm not particularly proud of this oneeee
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You should be, it's amazing! 😎
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Thanks, but I think this isn't my best. I like being perfect in my stories, and I don't knowwwwww.
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well keep it up- I o v e your stories ^_^
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Thank youuuuu!
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Oh my gosh! Was the middle part a dream? It scared me, that was so freaky! But that's a sign that the writing was so good because it actually made me freak out!
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Lol, thank you! Yeah, it was a dream, but it actually happened. That was one of his memories. It was supposed to be a kind of thing where you see that there were signs that led up to the Earth ending this way, and that was just the beginning. Thank youuuuuu! Omg I'm glad I got you freaked out lmao
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Thank goodness, but that's so freaky!!! Aaah! Great job!
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Oh, but it was real in his timeline, lol Thanks! >:) I'm so evil lmao
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YOU ARE!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
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hehe >:) I DON'T KNOW! lmao
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Hey Raquel! Nice job! This was a very touching story. I really enjoyed how you contrasted Alyona and Cason's personalities all leading up to the complex climax. I really didn't see it coming, in a good way! A few things, though - I wasn't sure if I was supposed to interpret this as a romance or a sibling like relationship, lol. Also, the breaks in the text seemed a little bit unnecessary, but that may just be me. Overall, awesome job!
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Thank you, Maya! I don't do that well with romance, so I although I did a sort of 'romance' it was slow, because I like it that way :P Sorry! (If you're talking about the sun-like figures) I used those to indicate a bit of a time skip. Thank you a lot! :)
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No problem!
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I dont really have a lot of things to say for the story though I like what you did and how you did the parts with the romance and the parts with the sad parts as well. This was another great story that you did and ill give it a 10/10 :)
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Thank you so muchh! I'm really glad that you enjoyed :) Yay, 10/10! :D
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No problem ^^ do ya think you'll try to make another new story when the other prompts come out?
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Yes, definitely! These prompts are getting so much better! :D
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I guess your right ^^
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I really liked this, and I felt very sympathetic and could feel the emotion in the characters. Could you read my newest stories.
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Thank you, and I really don't mean to be rude, so sorry if this comes across as such, but please, next time read my bio. Which story would you like me to read?
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Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! I didn't read fully! Do you want me to go into full detail? Also, for stories, If you're still okay with it, I would love any of the ones for this contest. These are The Society of Rebel Enchanters, Painful Deeds, and Power Hungry.
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Oh, sure! It's fine, like I said, sorry if I'm acting a bit rude, I don't mean to, really. I mean, if you want, sure, you can go into full detail. Alright, I'll check it out after I submit my new story. I'm almost done, I just have to edit it now. No hard feelings :)
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I love it that you guys that feel that way see through everyone. So Inspirational!!
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Hm? Sorry, I don't quite get it, what do you mean? I'm glad you find me inspirational, lol :)
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Heyyy
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Hi! :)
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how are ya?
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I'm meh. You?
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Tired and bored :/
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Hm, same, I totally understand, I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but I don't want to, because it's due on Wednesday, though it is better to get stuff done with.
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Hii! Great story. You had super vivid descriptions and characters, they felt so real and lifelike. I also love the title and the beautiful first line, which pulled me in and started off the story great. This story was emotional and sad, amazing job!
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Hi Blair! Thank you! I'm glad you think so, I'm trying, lol. Thank you so much! :)
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Of course! :)
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:)
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Heyyyy
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Hey! What's up? :)
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I'm just kind of bored, though im trying to work on my novels again
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oh, alright, that's good :)
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you'd read them if i published them, right?
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Definitely! :)
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Heyyyy
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Hi!
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how are ya?
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Oh, I'm good :) I just had Thanksgiving yesterday You?
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I guess im fine
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Alright, that's good! :D
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heyyy
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Hiiiii! :)
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how are ya?
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Good! You?
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im just kinda bored and stuff
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Oh, lol, I hate being bored
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New threAd
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yEs Ooh, I was doing this with Laiba, how about we do random questions?
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Ooh sure!
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Alright! (i gotta go to bed though, just ask me and I'll answer in the morning)
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Okieee Hmmm What is your biggest fear? - being trapped, alone, loneliness, darkness, SPIDERS, no one knowing me, being lost. (Mine)
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Oh gosh... that's hardddddd. Okay, I have severe claustrophobia and arachnophobia, so that's a hard tie, oh gosh I hate being trapped, so I'm going to say being trapped- But TOTAL darkness? Oh frick, I hate that, that's why I sleep with a nightlight, lol I'm gonna say being trapped (if it were in a tiny space) is my biggest fear.
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could ya check out "You'll get used to it" and leave some feedback?
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ooh, the name sounds interesting, sure! :)
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thanks ^^ im excited to see what ya think
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:)
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heyyy
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Heyy! What's up? :)
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