5 comments

Fantasy Christian Funny

This story contains sensitive content

CW {Sexual Themes and References}

Rathsmus pulled the sinew from its neck and tapped the silky gray powder from the worn brown leather pouch onto his weathered palm. “Defluat et inficiat” (flow down and infect them)

Gently pursing his lips and launching the spell with his breath, Rathsmus repeated the incantation over and over as the dust swirled into eddies in the breeze. Below him the village of Creedmore lay on the edge of sleep, the suns eyelid had closed, as had their doors. Streets were empty since Harpies were prone to snatch the children from the town at night. Doors were locked, yet windows were cracked, like the smile on the warlock's lips.


The dust transformed into miniature pixies with gossamer wings, racing into the town. Their shrieks mimicked the summer insects, cutting into the night. They invaded the homes and shops, candle makers sneezed, children coughed and wheezed, mothers gagged as the infection spread, invading the lungs and bodies of all the dwellers of the town.


Rathsmus leaned on his staff on the cliff overlooking the village. Priest Perryman had turned his symbol on him and banished him from Creedmore, but they would need him back, sooner than they realized. He cackled madly as he shuffled back to his hovel. One turns away a wizard at their own risk he thought to himself.


* * *


“You're mad Lucas!


“He only wants a single child Danbus.” Lucas cast his eyes down, disgusted by his own willingness to compromise with the darkness.


“Who's child? Yours? Would you give up your first born to Rathsmus? Condemn them to a life spent wandering the countryside with a withered old pedarast?” Danbus spit into the dirty wood floor in disgust. “If Father Perryman found out we'd be excommunicated, exiled like that damned warlock.”


“Have you not heard about the bizarre behaviors the town is witnessing? I talked to Ms. Archibald, the teacher at the school. Children are disrupting class with inappropriate poking and touching of one another. Haven't you noticed the differences since Rathsmus left?” Lucas scratched and fumbled with his wooden cup, downing the rest of his ale.


Danbus looked back and forth, let out a sigh and lowered his head. “The missus has been so frisky lately, we can barely keep up with the chores.”


“Don't you find that odd? The deacon told me when he walked into the church the other night to return some hymnals, he heard Father Perryman and Sister Brisbane giggling in the sacristy. When he walked in on them, Father Perryman was wearing Sister Brisbane's habit.” Lucas was hissing the words, hoping the other patrons of The Grendle Dragon Inn wouldn't hear him.


His eyes opened wide, fighting off a laugh at the image of the Priest in a black nuns skirt. “He did say he would curse us all. So that's the curse Rasthmus lay on Creedmore, he infected the entire town with insatiable lust? A virgin child will dispell it.” Danbus waved his hand at the barkeep for another round of drink. “We need to talk to Constable Turnberry. You know there is another way to remove a curse.” Danbus pulled a thumb across his throat.


“Surely you're joking. It is rumored the wizard is five hundred years old. How exactly do you propose to accomplish this?”


“There are ways, ancient ways, older than the magician himself.” Danbus nodded and downed his drink.


* * *


“You do realize this cannot be official, on the record as it were.” The Constable tilted his head to the side and peeked around Danbus and Lucas.


Looking over his shoulder, Lucas saw the secretary was bent over, reshelving books, her posterior outlined by her ankle length cotton dress. He mocked a slapping motion to Danbus, who rolled his eyes and clutched at the crucifix on his chest.


“We need a few watchmen to carry out our mission. Armed men, men of valor who are not afraid to risk their lives.” Danbus jerked when the secretary's bosom brushed across his back, looking over at her, she winked and the place she touched shot electricity through his torso, to his groin.


“If you are injured or killed, I will deny we ever had this conversation. When are you planning to hunt down Rathsmus?”


“A fortnight from tonight.”


“I will have armed men ready for you just outside of the blockhouse at Creedmore's gate.”


The two turned to leave the Constable's office. The secretary lowered her eyes and gave them a slow demure wave goodbye.


“So we have men-at-arms lined up, Rathsmus could kill them in about two seconds, what is our secret advantage going to be?” They passed a curly tailed dog hunching a fence post on the corner of a pen full of horses, snorting, shaking their manes, some on hind legs sparring each other.


“We are going to church.”


“What in the church will help us?”


“There is a relic hidden there, few know about.”


“What sort of relic?”


“A short spear; according to legend it was the one that pierced our savior's side as he was crucified.”


“Really! In our little chapel in Creedmore.”


“The Jesuits and monks brought it here for safe keeping centuries ago when the Holy Land fell for the final time.”


Arriving at the church, the door was always open. As they entered the quiet was rippling with sounds coming from the confessional booth. Lucas and Danbus eased over to eavesdrop.


The rhythmic thumping and creaking was sprinkled with the moans of coitus.


“Its seems Father and Sister are occupied, shall we?” Lucas motioned for Danbus to lead the way.


Danbus walked behind the altar to the tabernacle. It rested on a heavy ornate marble base. Pushing on the base they inched it from it's spot, revealing a hidden hatch under it in the floor.


He opened the hatch and reached inside, pulling up a three foot nondescript spear wrapped in a purple vestment. “Let's get out of here before their proverbial bells ring and we get caught.”


They pushed the tabernacle and its base back into position and hurried out the side door of the church.


* * *


“What is that?” Daniella reached for the spear, still wrapped and Danbus pulled it away.


“Not so fast love. Here, let's lay it on the table.” He placed it on the table with gentle reverence. “I see the boys are in bed.”


“They passed out a bit ago. Where have you been?”


“Planning to take care of our problem with that wicked magician once and for all.”


“Rathsmus? I thought Priest Perryman ran him out of Creedmore.”


“He did and the wizard had the final say, casting a spell on the entire town.”


“How do you know?”


“Lucas and I just caught Father Perryman bedding the nun in the confessional of all places. Rathsmus has inflicted all of Creedmore with lust, even the animals are going at it.”


Daniella covered her mouth, laughing out loud. “Oh my God! You know our elderly neighbors, the Beddingtons, the old hag tackled her husband in the backyard earlier. I didn't know a eighty year old woman could dry hump like a teenager.” She stopped and narrowed her eyes locking onto him with a playful stare.


“Danny can I at least have a bite? My stomach quit growling quite some time ago, now it's barking.”


Daniella dipped some cabbage and beans, seasoned with smoked ham hocks, into a wooden bowl and pulled up a seat next to her husband as he slurped his meal, holding bread in a hand opposite his spoon.


“So I guess this poker is going to be used to slay the mighty Rathsmus?”


Danbus paused his meal and lowered bushy eyebrows. “That is no mere spear, it is the one used by the Roman guard to spill the savior's blood.”


Daniella slowly unfolded the purple cloth and looked at the spear. “It's plain. I thought...”


“He was a common criminal to Pontius Pilate, mocked and killed alongside rabble.”


“Why this, why not put him to the sword?”


“Rathsmus has a pact with the devil, ordinary weapons pass through him like he is made of mist. Only something divine can even touch him. The spear has traces of the savior's blood. It has slain the undead, centuries ago during the plague.”


Daniella took the empty bowl from the crude wood table and circled a leg over his head, straddling him on the kitchen chair. “I could use a good stabbing too, mate.”


Danbus had been fighting the urge all day. Daniella nuzzled her lips on his face, wrapping her arms around him and chewing on his neck. “Alright, but I'm not thanking that evil bastard for the extra sex.”


With that Danbus carried his wife over to their bed and proceeded to dig some ruts into the clay floor of their dwelling with the bed legs.


* * *


“Do you know how hard it is to itch your privates with armor on?” The watchman dug at the chainmail next to his shiny codpiece.


“Are you scratching or copping a feel of yourself?”


“Why, you want a grab of it?”


“No, mine has aggravated me enough this week. The little head may not have a brain, but it sure can tell the big head what to do.”


Danbus walked up and surveyed the mercenary crew. Four men-at-arms milled around kicking rocks with leather boots and checking their weapons. “So, you are it eh?”


“We're getting paid overtime, it's all good.” The archer pulled arrows from his quiver and checked the trueness of the shafts and the edges on the tips.


“Who has experience fighting magical creatures? Raise your hand.” Looking around at each other none responded. Danbus drew in a deep breath. “Lucky for you I have a bit of experience. I had the Priest give a blessing to enhance your weapons. I also have some holy water. Gather around I want each of you to take a shot.”


“Drinking holy water? Shouldn't you sprinkle it on our swords or something?”


“Just take a drink and pass it around.” Danbus uncorked a crystal flask and took a sip.


After a round of holy water, Danbus asked them to bow their heads for a short prayer before their departure. “Heavenly Father, please bless these snowflakes...”


“Snowflakes! Who are you calling a snowflake? I'm the illegitimate son of a knight!” The tall man drew his longsword and shook it at Danbus.


“Dear Father, please give these mama's boys a spine for a day...”


“Mama's boy, for your information I'm more of a grandma's boy.” The archer put his hands on his hips and glowered at Danbus.


The other henchmen muttered and grumbled at the insults.


“I ask that none pee their pants in fear and please keep us safe in our quest to butcher the heathen. Amen.” Crossing themselves the adventurers turned to Danbus.


“Where are the horses?”


“Horses, oh that, ya we couldn't afford horses.”


“We have to walk?” The grumbling grew louder as the men-at-arms realized they were going to be walking for miles in full armor.


“It's in the contract if any of you would have read it.” Danbus raised his hand and pointed and the party took off to find the wizard's hovel. The forest stretched on for hours as the fighters strategized and talked about Rathsmus' rumored magical guard dog. As the orange sun drifted just above the trees, a modest cottage came into view, a gentle curl of smoke rose from its thatched roof.


“Look! It's a dragon. He has a dragon guarding his home!”


“Let's run up and hack it to bits!”


“What if it's a fire breathing dragon? We'll all be burnt toast.”


“You with the shield, you go first, we'll all follow behind you to the beast.”


They marched single file up to the dragon and raised their swords and bows. The green scaly creature rolled over on its back and wagged its tail.


“How cute! He wants you to rub his belly.” The man with the shield scratched its under side.


“So much for the guard.” Danbus walked up to the door and rapped on it with a closed fist.


“I told you kids I don't have no candy!” Rathsmus ripped open the door and pointed a wand at them.


“We have come to send you back to Hell, wizard!”


“You have to catch me first!” With that the magician pointed his wand and began an incantation.


“Run away, run away, he's casting a spell!” The men stumbled and tripped over each other as they hastened a disorderly retreat. A fire ball whizzed by them, exploding on a boulder and burning the vegetation. They took shelter behind trees as multiple fire balls burst from Rathsmus' wand. The door closed and the men looked at each other.


Danbus took the initiative. Cutting a bit of cloth from his shirt tail, he motioned for the archer. He wrapped the end of an arrow with the cloth and pulled out a metal flask. Popping the cork, he took a swig with a grimace and doused the cloth with pure grain alcohol. Walking over to the smoldering remnants of the fire ball, he lit the arrow and handed it back to the archer.


“Shoot it into the roof, we will burn him out.”


Angling his hickory bow, he let loose the burning shaft and buried it into the roof. The fire spread quickly, within minutes the entire roof was ablaze. The wizard burst from the house toward the dragon, realizing he was trying to escape they ran up and cut him off from his steed. Rathsmus pulled out his wand and Danbus slapped his hand with the spear and sent the wand sailing. They grabbed his frail body and Danbus pointed the spear at his chest as the men restrained him.


“Your days are over, evil one.”


“Go ahead, send me back to hell. I will find my way back one day.” Rathsmus smirked in defiance.


Danbus plunged the spear into the wizard's chest and he evaporated like smoke.


* * *


With that the village of Creedmore returned to normal. Sister Brisbane was pregnant and nine months later most families had another bundle of joy. The nun gave birth to a bouncing baby girl and Danbus offered to adopt her, since Daniella had popped out another boy, yet always wanted a girl. The curse was lifted and Creedmore had an abundance of new farm animals to use and sell. Rathsmus was gone and weaved into the lore of the town. The townfolk created a tapestry to remind them about the year the curse of lust consumed Creedmore.

June 09, 2022 23:15

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

5 comments

Graham Kinross
13:51 Jun 17, 2022

I liked this, I think there might have been a way to write it without the time jumps possibly because they always take me out of the story a bit but other than that I liked it.

Reply

Kevin Marlow
14:34 Jun 17, 2022

Thanks for the input. I started out wanting to write a serious fantasy piece and it somehow devolved into more Monty Python.

Reply

Graham Kinross
14:44 Jun 17, 2022

I’ve had that happen. Humour is always helpful. Things that take themselves too seriously often seem more ridiculous than things that can take the piss a bit and have fun.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Mike Panasitti
22:11 Jun 11, 2022

Great premises. A curse (a blessing in disguise?) making all the town's inhabitants randy. If there's still time to edit, there's an extra "the" in the third block of text from the beginning. Not usually a fan of the genre, but the humor in this made it different from most of the fantasy I'm familiar with. A fun read.

Reply

Kevin Marlow
23:57 Jun 11, 2022

Thanks for the edit heads up, I was able to change it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply