Confessions of an Alcoholic

Jan 7

           My name is Dylan. 

      One week ago, I wouldn’t have imagined writing a diary. A twenty-five-year-old man wouldn’t need that. But apparently, yes, he does. Or that is what my brother Joseph recommended to me anyway. According to him, this would make this whole process easier. The process of trying to let go of my flask. Until now, it has not worked out.

      So, let’s start again. My name is Dylan.

      And I have been sober for a week.

Jan 10

      I called my wife, Carly, around noon. She didn’t call me back. I called her back around midnight. She didn’t call me back. I left Joseph a voice message crying around seven the next morning. He did call me back.

      I blamed the flask. And no, I didn't go back to drinking. But in these ten days sober, I have had the worst hangovers in my life. I felt more drunk at that time than in my entire history in the bars. So, calling Joseph as I sobbed in the other line was really not my fault. It was the fault of my sober drunkenness.

      I met alcohol when I was a kid, and his absence was just too agonizing to take it alone. First, the apartment was shaking. Horrible earth tremors stopped me from showering, watching the TV, reading, or even picking up a cup of water. At night, the earthquake was more infuriating. I would lie down in bed and feel it. The tremors made my bed crumble under me. Sleep was already a challenging task to achieve. I would love to say it was because Carly wasn't lying beside me in bed. But it was because I did not have my flask.

      I got used to taking some sips before sleeping. Without it, I started feeling and realizing things. Like how alone I was, and it was then that I did feel Carly's absence. The bed became unbearable. Carly's empty spot was cold as a grave. When the tremors returned, I just slid out of bed and lay on the floor. I decided to wait there until the trembling stopped. After two days of lying on that dirty, cold floor, hugging my knees, I realized that it was me who was shaking, not the apartment. 

      I left that part out in my conversation with Joseph. 

Jan 11

      Carly didn’t want me close to her. She made that pretty clear. So why did I call her? Why? Did she roll her eyes when she heard my voicemail? Of course, she did. She probably told her friends about my annoyance. She probably told him. Eventually, she would tell him everything; it was a matter of time. She would tell him about his father's incompetence and his drunkenness. 

      There was a time when she didn’t actually care about how much I drank. The times when she still expected me to change. The time when I still had hope to be better. The funny thing was that that time faded away without me even realizing it. Maybe I was too occupied attending the flask to notice. I didn’t notice the pregnancy test. Didn't even notice that she wanted to leave. Not until I came from another unsuccessful day at work, and nobody was waiting for me. 

Jan 18

      I haven’t called Carly in those past days. I told Joseph I was ready for the challenge. I was a man. I could do it alone. Of course, I was wrong. 

      The headaches furiously attacked me all day long. They brought a strange feeling in my stomach, like someone was punching me. As someone who spent his entire life being beaten, believe me, it was not a flattery feeling. Even so, I thought I could make it. I was sure. Although I only left my room to eat and even though I spent sleepless nights. I was going to do it for Carly, for me, and for him. 

      But when I had the hallucination of my father visiting me at two in the morning with his belt and his own flask in hand, it was too much. I grabbed my car keys and rushed to my mother in law house. It took me about half an hour to find her house. She lived five minutes away. 

      I begged Carly to let me in. I knocked and knocked, not even stopping when she threatened to call the police. Or when her mother joined in with the threats. When Carly finally opened the door, I did everything I saw my father do with my mom. I knelt and pleaded, asking for a second chance. I told her about the stupid Dry January challenge Joseph forced me to do. I told her I would do it for both her and him. Carly just stared, her hands rubbing her rounded belly. I thought she would let me in. That I would end up convincing her. Mom always let my father in. But she shook her head, eyes red, and moved her hands towards the door. 

      “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you anymore,” she said. “I look at you, and I can’t see Dylan. Only your father.”

      Then she slammed the door in my face. I stayed there, kneeling as I stared at the closed door. I must have fallen asleep because someone shook my arm around five, asking me to stand up from the floor. I woke with a jolt and looked up at the mortified officer glaring down at me. Carly’s mom was standing next to him. 

Jan 20

      Joseph took me for a run. Apparently, I needed to get out of the house more. Joseph was used to it. He exercised, went to parties, and socialized with people. The things I never managed to do. I always refused to do anything he liked- mostly because I found it unnecessary and too much work- but that day, I accepted. He took me to the park. He didn’t ask me about how horrible I looked. Or why he had to pick me up from the police station one day ago. We just ran. 

      We were running for just ten minutes when I blurted out the question. 

      “Do you think I’m like our father?”

       I didn’t mean to ask, but I had to. What Carly said was eating me up. The memory of her words almost made me go into a bar. I was going to before Joseph called me to go running instead. Of course, I didn’t tell him that part. I was glad my brother found me before the flask. I was better from the withdrawal and did not want to start over again. I was no longer experiencing headaches, and my hands stopped shaking.

      But the nightmares and the visits from my father didn't leave. I wasn’t sure if it was a punishment or Caly's words tricking me. But my father talked to me at night; he lay on the bed next to me and even waited for me when I got out of the shower. The man was more present in my life now than when he was alive. He mocked me about how much I complained about him, and now Carly would be doing the same thing to my son. 

      Now, it was not only just “I'm sorry honey, but your dad is an incompetent drunk.” Now, she would tell him that his father is just like his grandfather. The headaches threatened to come back every time I thought about it. Joseph took his time to answer me. I didn’t like that. After two laps, he asked me if I ever would hit my child and later blamed it on the flask. I answered no. 

      “Then you’re not like him,” he said. 

      We didn’t speak after that. We were supposed to go for dinner, but I told him I would eat at home. I stayed in my house watching Dirty Dancing. It was Carly’s favorite movie. Joseph called me to check on me later that night, and I told him I was watching Fast and Furious. I said goodnight on the phone and went to sleep. Father was already waiting for me when I entered my room.

Jan 24

      Have nothing to say today. It is raining outside, and I’m bored. 

      10 Things about me:

     1. I've been drinking for as long as I can remember.

      2. I think I started drinking at the age of ten. One of the ways I got back at my father was to steal drinks from his flask when he got distracted. Apparently, it wasn't a good idea because I was still stealing drinks fifteen years later. 

      3. I met Carly in college. I dropped college, but she didn’t. I didn’t know what her major was. I didn’t know if she was working. I only knew that she didn’t want to leave college because she wasn’t a dropout like me. 

      4. I proposed after she graduated. Her mother always told her it was a bad idea. Two years into our relationship, I proved to her that her mother was right.

      5. I found out about her pregnancy four months ago. At the same time, I decided to start AA, but I couldn’t, so Joseph convinced me to do the challenge.

      6. What father was I? I didn’t even notice that Carly was pregnant with my own son! I didn’t even know I had a son since I kept forgetting the doctor's appointment. 

      7. I wasn’t a great husband either since my wife ran away without even caring to take anything from her apartment with her. 

      8. She was just desperate to get away from me. 

      9. I was just like my father.

      10. My father never got sober, not even for Joseph or me. I needed to be different. I wanted to tell my son I got sober for him.

      It stopped raining. 

Jan 29

      Carly came over today. I was going out with Joseph. We were going to check AA meetings around town. He was going to pick me up around four, but when I opened the door, it was Carly, the one standing there. I stared at her, not sure of what to do or what to say. She always had that talent to make me uneasy. I was happy that at least that hadn’t changed between us.

      “Joseph called me and told me about your little challenge,” she broke the silence.

      I smiled and nodded. I really didn’t like how she called it a little challenge, but I remained silent. I couldn’t trust my tongue, not with her so close. Looking back, I should have asked her to come in. We stayed on the doorstep. She smiled at me, holding a blue envelope in her fingers. After not receiving an answer for my part, she just cleared her throat and raised the envelope toward me.

      “I thought you would want this,” she said. 

      I took the envelope from her hands and opened it. A small photo was inside. An ultrasound showed a baby boy. My baby boy. I guess I smiled; maybe I cried. I brushed my fingers over the ultrasound, surprised it looked so clear. It was just a shadow of a lying head and what looked like raised feet. But for me, it was the most beautiful work of art I had ever seen. Carly smiled and told me how it was a healthy baby, according to the doctor.

       She told me other things, but I didn’t listen. I could only focus on him. 

      I looked at her, biting my tongue to not ruin it. I didn’t want Carly to walk away and take my baby with her. But I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. I wanted to plead again, but this time for her to let me be part of it. I wanted to see him be born, to see him grow. Instead, all I said was thank you. She nodded, and I tried to return the photo, but she shook her head.

      “Is a gift,” she said. “Maybe next time you can come with me to the doctor.”

      “You want me there?” I was surprised.

      She raised an eyebrow. “You're the father, aren’t you?”

      I smiled and looked back at the picture. I was the father of this work of art. That was the first time in my life I ever felt proud. 

Jan 30

      Joseph told me he was going to call me at midnight to celebrate my one month sober. He joked that it would be the real New Year's Eve. I insulted him a little, but I couldn't stop smiling afterward. I promised Carly I wasn't going to stop in January. Our relationship is at a standstill. She told me we would discuss it when I got to at least March without drinking. She still didn’t want to take anything to her mother’s house. So that was already a good note.

      I found a good AA group. Yesterday was our first meeting. It was horrible. It was amazing. It was both. But I held onto the photo of my baby the whole time and didn’t feel that bad. 

      Later, I pasted the ultrasound photo into the alarm clock. I wanted to wake up every day and remember who I was doing all this. Joseph laughed at how cheesy I was, but Carly liked the idea. I called her today, and she answered me. We talked for an hour. Trying to figure out what to call our son. After that, I was so tired for no reason that I told Joseph not to call me at midnight. I went to my room, and my father was there with his flask. But my son's picture was there too. So I said goodbye to my father and told him he could keep his flask. I would keep my son.