Dihydrogen Monoxide

"Dihydrogen monoxide?"

Zane reached for his refreshment cartridge. "The entire planet. Well, almost. Huge oceans of it."

"And the inhabitants live in the oceans?"

"Inhabitants?" Zane turned to look at his friend in the dim light of the relaxation center. "You have never seen a planet inhabited like this one. Oceans, land masses, atmosphere...everywhere!" he waved his tentacle around his head. "Billions of inhabitants. Animal and vegetation. And get this. The planet tilts--"

"Vegetation?"

"Everywhere. Photosynthetic. So with their yellow star, that means green. Green, everywhere. But the blossoms are all different colors, to attract the arthropods."

"Arthropods?"

"Billions of arthropods. Multiple legs, exoskeletons, and many have wings. They are everywhere."

"So humans are arthropods?"

"No! They're mammals!"

"Oh wow!" Dix leaned back a little, an impressed teal. "Two different animal taxonomies and vegetation on one planet? Amazing."

"You misunderstand me." Zane leaned forward. "They have eight levels of taxonomy just for the one planet. There are millions of species of both plant and animal. And with the planet tilt, and all the dihydrogen monoxide, it has a massive temperature range, and multiple biomes! And humans reside in every one of them. They're so adaptable, it's almost frightening."

"They're adapted for both cold and heat?"

"Yes! And they have domesticated several other species to tolerate the cold and heat with them."

"For what purpose?" Dix asked. The refreshment tender was listening now and trying to pretend not to.

"I don't even know how to explain it." Zane paused to gather his thoughts. "Some, they work with. They keep them as companions and also sometimes to guard or assist them with tasks. But others..." he leaned in a bit. "They eat them."

"What? They're carnivorous?"

"Omnivorous! They eat everything!" Zane waved his tentacles. "Plants! Animals! Fungus! Some eat the arthropods! And they don't just eat it all they...they prepare it in various ways, with heat and ground plants and grasses and they take pride in arranging it on a plate in what they consider a pleasing manner. Some of it is quite creative."

Dix looked at his refreshment tube, turning a little pinkish. "Everything? They don't...they don't drink the dihydrogen monoxide, do they?"

"Oh, they do! Every living thing on the planet evolved in it! They depend on it and are made of it--and carbon. They mix it with everything to make these strange potions that bubble or ferment."

"Ferment? They ferment their nutrients?"

"Some of them. And don't get me started on how they flavor them. Some of the chemicals they've found actually cause pain to their membranes, and they find it enjoyable!" He leaned forward. "They ingest saccharides for pleasure."

"I've never heard of such a thing. But, I learned that young species can be strange, and they are a relatively young species, are they not?"

"They're infants! They developed technology faster than they could understand the consequences of their actions and nearly destroyed the whole planet with waste, and poison, and nuclear fission explosions! Their industries pumped dangerous chemicals into the atmosphere!"

Dix turned several shades of blue. "How did they survive?"

"They almost didn't. It's taken a long time to fix and they aren't done. I believe the council has offered to help. I'm not sure they're worth it. They're still so..." Zane went a bit ruddy looking for the right word. "Childish. Running around, trying to go as fast as they possibly can on roadways that cover the land masses! Thousands of personal vehicles, zipping to and fro! And do you know what they use to track the vehicles around them? Guess. Go on."

"Sensors?" Dix tried helplessly.

"Mirrors."

"You're making that up!" snapped the refreshment tender, going a little pinkish himself.

"I'm not! They trust their own eyes! Some of their vehicles are still run by combustion engines powered by fossil fuels! I actually had to travel in one!"

"You must have been terrified!"

"I was! I happened to ride with a skilled driver but I was still almost white with fear! Their airships are hardly better. They have floating vehicles as well, to cross the oceans of dihydrogen monoxide. They never stay still. And they have this thing...do you know the Mypar, with the singing Popos?"

"I've never been but I've heard recordings," said Dix as the refreshment tender waggled sagely, turned purple as he realized he wasn't really a part of the conversation, and gave them each another capsule to cover it.

"They all sing," said Zane, taking the proffered capsule. "They create specific tools to make sounds they find pleasing and rhythmic and they create entire...works. They call it music, and with much of it there are specific words you chant along with the sounds! They invented a written language that records the order in which to play certain tones to replicate each song."

"Is it a pleasing sound?"

"No! Most of it is too loud and rhythmic. Some of the tools--instruments, they call them--have interesting tones but for the most part, it is just noise. They move their bodies to it, too! They call it dancing and it is quite disconcerting. They bounce and move their limbs to the rhythm, sometimes in sync, and they have entire performances of those who train to move in certain ways."

"So they're an active species."

"Active does not begin to describe it! My host took me to an event known as a 'sport'. They're competitive, you see. I assume it is a channeling of their aggressive nature. They play many sorts of games, some casual, but others very formal, with...squads--they call them teams--who are paid to play professionally for entertainment." 

"Paid to provide entertainment?" Dix asked.

"Humans pay each other for all sorts of entertainment! But this was the strangest. We packed into a huge structure with thousands of other humans to watch this game. They were very excited, but I could not fully understand what was happening. The sport focused on a prolate spheroid which I assume has some sort of symbolic value. One squad would attempt to transport this object across a large delineated space through coordinated strategies which included running, kicking and throwing, while the other squad attempted to stop them from doing so by attacking them with physical violence!"

Both the refreshment tender and Dix waffled through hues of blue as they attempted to picture it.

"And then, once they either succeeded at transporting the object, or failed after a certain number of tries, the other team took it, and then they tried to transport it back the other way! It was madness. The people watching chose the squad they preferred, you see, and each time it succeeded in getting the object to the end of the space, they would scream and leap up and down and grab each other. And when the squad failed, or if someone on the other squad violated a rule, they would become almost violently angry. I have never seen anything like it."

"It's lucky you survived," said Dix.

"Very lucky. My host's preferred squad transported the prolate spheroid to the end of the delineated space more times than the other squad, so they were declared the victors. We then attended what they call a 'party' where squad supporters imbibed fermented beverages and ate a strange meal of cooked vegetation and animal matter baked into an edible plate of ground grains, so you could eat the entire thing, plate and all!"

"I can't even picture it," said Dix.

"I wish I could describe it better. My synth-body did not react well to all the fermented beverages and I lost some motor control on the way to the host's residence."

"I hope you didn't damage it. The synth-bodies are expensive. What sort of residences do these creatures have?"

"There are a variety, depending on the climate and whether they live in an urban or rural environment. My host lived in a building just outside the larger urban area, with numerous other residences stacked on top of and around it, with several other humans. They sleep on beds of coiled springs wrapped in fabric and cushioning, though my host said that is not always the case in other parts of the world."

"They don't need to keep moist at night?"

"No. Their atmosphere is moist enough as it is. The dihydrogen monoxide lends itself to a cycle of evaporation, condensation, and precipitation."

"Wait...dihydrogen monoxide falls from the sky?"

"Yes. In torrents. In some regions it is rare, others it is common, so there are both deserts and forests of dense vegetation that thrive on it! And the clouds of dihydrogen monoxide can move with such energy that they cause massive electrostatic discharges! It is quite alarming, though my host apparently enjoys viewing the experience while safely indoors." 

"From what I'm hearing I wouldn't be surprised if you told me the humans go after these storms to experience them firsthand."

"Some do! I was told that the storms can get quite violent, and cause cyclonic wind-storms that can destroy buildings, and even entire communities! So they get into their vehicles and go to find these storms when they think they might be forming, some for scientific study, and sometimes simply for the experience!"

"I still think you are making this up!" said the refreshment tender.

"I'm not. There are giant storms that form over the oceans, and human scientists fly airships into the largest of them to get readings on the wind and precipitation. They then pass that information on to the communities of humans in the storm's path, so they know when to evacuate the area."

"They build homes in the path of giant storms?"

"They build their homes everywhere, and it seems to me there are storms everywhere. Rain storms, wind storms, ice storms, dust storms--" 

"This sounds like a death planet!"

"Death planet? It's a living planet! They have active plate tectonics with active fault lines, and the humans build near them! And they also have active erupting volcanoes!"

"No!"

"Yes! And they live near them! One of their tourist attractions is a city that was destroyed by a volcano in what to them is ancient history. They excavated it and now people come to see the fatalities and damage. And the volcano that did it is still active! It will do it again one day! But they still live there!"

"I am so glad I passed on the exchange program," said Dix after a moment. "I cannot imagine walking on an active planet like that, with dihydrogen monoxide everywhere!"

"It does feel very unstable. The vegetation underfoot helps. And the humans evolved with it so they are quite comfortable, and I must admit they made their best attempt to make me feel comfortable as well, however clumsy that was. They like to do this thing where they wrap their upper appendages around each other, as a sign of affection or comfort. It is very disconcerting, since...you know..."

Dix and the refreshment tender turned a bit fuchsia. Upper appendages were only wrapped around others at certain phases in the life cycle.

"Well," said Dix after a moment. "The important thing is that you got through the expedition, and made it back to us in one piece. I bet you're glad to put that planet behind you."

"Well..." Zane went a little purple. "Actually, it's such a complex environment that I felt that my report wasn't entirely complete. I want to be thorough, after all. So I volunteered for a second expedition. I'm meeting my host again next week, in order to experience a culturally important event they call 'taco Tuesday'."