NOTE TO SELF: The sofa has a dodgy leg on one side. By sitting on the bad side, you risk toppling the whole thing over and looking really silly by falling on to the floor. I kept forgetting this, so I had to make a “DO NOT SIT” sign which I carefully placed on the left side of the sofa before making my morning cereal. When I returned, I confidently sat on the other side only to find the whole thing topple over and send me crashing to the floor again, the milk from my cereal splashing all over myself, the floor, and the sign.
I’d put the sign on the wrong side of the sofa.
1st April 2021
Hello, Diary. It’s the first of April today, and you know what that means. I bloody hate April Fools' Day. And I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong, Diary. No, I don’t hate it because of that one time Stephanie pranked me with the bucket of water over the doorway (although that was annoying). And it’s not because of the time Elanor thought it would be funny to do exactly the same thing as Stephanie, but with a bag of flour (unimaginative). And it’s not even because the year after, the two of them teamed up, got me with the water first, and then with the flour on top of the bathroom door so that it stuck to me more.
No, it’s none of that. I just hate it because it’s so cruel. Why is there a day in the year where everyone’s allowed to be so mean to each other? We might as well have a day where it’s okay to pick our noses and fling the bogeys at one another. Oh wait… WE DO!!! It’s called April Fools' Day – the day you can get away with aaaaannnnyyything.
Anyway, Diary. I’m just writing this quick entry to say that today, on April the first, I’m going to go out of my way to spread cheer to people instead. And I’m starting with my next-door neighbour. She’s old and she’s had a hard time during this whole lockdown affair, and I thought it would be nice to give her some flowers. So I bought a nice big bunch of Aster – you know, the big daisy-type ones? That’ll give her a nice little surprise.
And for the rest of today, I’m going to do good deeds for everyone. Even Stephanie and Elanor at work.
And yes, I’m prepared for them this year. No more surprises from the air for me!
Off to the pharmacy for my shift now. Talk soon, Diary.
Break time, and I’m pleased to say that so far today, I’ve fallen for precisely ZERO pranks! After leaving the flowers at my neighbour's door, I drove to work repeating to myself out loud “remember to check, remember to check”. And it worked! Before I went to go into the staff area, I picked up the long stick that’s used for getting the shutter down and prodded the door open slowly. Nothing there this time, but at least I remembered to check.
Elanor gave me a really weird look when I did it – as if she can’t remember the last few years of pranking me on this stupid day. I just looked at her, smiled, and then walked away.
My second good deed of the day didn’t go so well. In fact, I feel like the biggest April Fool there is. Mrs Bridges, who comes in every Wednesday for her prescription was in, and I had an idea that I thought would be quite sweet. You know those sweets you get in the glass jars? The old fashioned ones? One of the biggest selling brands is called Mrs Bridges! So I thought it would be quite sweet and funny to get Mrs Bridges a jar of Mrs Bridges sweets.
‘How are you!’ I said brightly when she came in. She smiled at me.
‘Oh, not bad, considering,’ she said. That’s where I should have abandoned my plan.
Considering? I thought. Ah! She’s an April Fools' Day hater too!
‘Oh, don’t you worry, Mrs Bridges!’ I said like the confident idiot I clearly am. ‘You’re safe in here. In fact, I got you a little present to brighten up your day!’
When I presented the jar of Mrs Bridges sweets to Mrs Bridges, she burst out crying.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, and then, like the complete and utter sausage that I am, I added: ‘Don’t you like Rosey Apples?’
Through her sobbing, Mrs Bridges was able to tell me: ‘Archie always got me those sweets, ever since he married me. It was his sweet little thing.’
Then, Diary, no joke, this is what I replied:
‘Ah, how is Archie? I haven’t seen him in ages!’
NOTE TO SELF: Archie Bridges ran off with a younger woman six weeks ago.
Oh no, Diary. I’ve really went and done it now.
I have an hour left of my shift at work today, and if I can get through it without causing any more grief it’ll be a miracle.
So earlier today, Stephanie’s car got a puncture. Her usual garage are closed for a week because the guy who runs it is on holiday. So I gave her the number of the garage that I use all the time, and she called it.
Only, I had one digit wrong. In fact here’s a good opportunity to have one more NOTE TO SELF: Garage’s number is 552773, NOT 553772.
Stephanie dialled the number earlier and it took me a moment to realise why her voice was coming out of the radio as she talked.
‘Hello! You’ve reached AllPlay FM Radio! What’s your name?’
‘Ummm...’ Stephanie said. ‘Stephanie?’
‘Hello Stephanie!’ the presenter sounded excited. ‘And how are you today?’
‘...Fine?’ Stephanie’s confused answer came. Then she looked at me with rage in her eyes. It was about this time that I realised what I had accidentally done.
Oh! I mouthed. OH! I – DID – NOT – MEAN – THAT!!
‘Okay Stephanie, are you ready to win a thousand pounds?’ the presenter asked.
Wait! I thought. Maybe this has worked out perfectly! Stephanie’s about to be a thousand pounds richer because of my good deeds!
‘Um… yeah?’ Stephanie said.
‘All right, Stephanie!’ the presenter enthused. ‘All you have to do is give me the answer to the question I asked on air!’
No! What question!? I wasn’t listening!
‘The… the question?’ Stephanie asked.
‘Ten seconds left to answer!’ the presenter said. ‘Come on Stephanie, it’s an easy question!’
Apparently trying to look like she knew what the presenter was talking about, Stephanie laughed and said: ‘Yeah! Sure is...’
‘Come on then! Five seconds! What’s the answer!?’
If Stephanie’s brain is anything like my own, I imagine it quickly did some sort of calculation – a quick search of all the possible “easy questions” that might be asked on daytime radio and a rough idea of maybe the top five or ten that might be the right one. I don’t know what she thought the question might have been, but the answer she gave was:
There was a bit of a stunned silence on the radio then, before the presenter said: ‘Uhh… peanut butter?’
Stephanie was tense but awkwardly smiling. ‘...Yes? P… peanut butter…’
Then the presenter said: ‘The current Prime Minister of Great Britain is… peanut butter?’
Stephanie was so mortified she hung up the phone and forgot all about the tyre that needed replaced. Elanor was in hysterics but Stephanie hasn’t spoken to me since.
Well, Diary, another day done. April Fools' this year was worse than ever! I’m sitting in bed writing this entry before I go to sleep. I’m reflecting on the events of the day; the good, the bad. I can’t believe I didn’t know about Mr Bridges. And I’m still so embarrassed that I made Stephanie look really stupid on the local radio station. She was getting text messages from her friends and family for the rest of the day, mocking her. All my fault. She’ll never believe this wasn’t my own payback April Fools prank!
And, Diary, I didn’t even tell you about what happened afterwards! Since her car is still broken, Stephanie had to get the bus home. I would have offered her a lift but she finished earlier than me today. She didn’t know what bus to get, and in an attempt to make up for my wrongdoing earlier, I confidently told her that the 33B would get her almost straight to her doorstep.
Good deed done. Or so I thought.
I was about half way home myself when I realised that the 33A was the one I should have told Stephanie to get on. The 33B goes a completely different way.
When I got home, I had a text message from Stephanie which was nothing more than an angry face emoji.
Well… Disappointing day really, but at least it’s over now. April Fools' is gone for another year. Good riddance! I’m off to sleep now, and hopefully I can spend tomorrow trying to make up for the accidental wrongdoings. Goodnight, Diary.
Diary, it’s me again. Just a quick note. Caught sight of the date on my phone as I was putting my pen beside it.
Today is the 31st of March. I thought there were only 30 days in March.
2 nd April 2021
1st April 2021
NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT buy next-door neighbour any more flowers. She popped her head out of her door and I shrieked. Her face was all swollen and her eyes were really puffy.
‘Oh my goodness!’ I cried. ‘What happened to you? Are you okay!?’
‘Some idiot left me flowers on my doorstep,’ she said. ‘Everyone knows I’m allergic to them! Did you see who it was?’
Also, I went and forgot to check the doors today...