Dear Diary

Phil groaned as he read the notice saying that all train services to Birmingham had been suspended due to strike action. How had he not known about this? he wondered as he walked out of the station. No option but to get an Uber now, the bus would never get him to his appointment on time.

 He got on his phone to book a ride as he rode the escalator up to ground level, but something made him look back and he spied a girl who was going in the opposite direction. She looked like a wild, exotic animal with unruly hair tied in a messy bun atop her head, shapely body concealed beneath baggy jeans and an oversized shirt. A tattered brown satchel was on her back and in her arms was a ridiculous number of books which she clutched to her chest.

  As if sensing his eyes on her, she turned her head and looked straight at him, holding his gaze, and allowing him to drown in her twin pools of dark chocolate-coloured eyes as time stopped, eliminating everyone and everything else around them for an eternity.

 The spell shattered when the girl reached the bottom of the escalator and, catching her unawares and she stumbled into a burly woman who was hurrying past her. All her books flew to the floor and the woman did not even pretend to care. The girl looked flustered as she scrambled to gather her scattered books while the other travellers paid her no notice and went on with their disrupted day.

  As she reached for one of the last books on the floor, another hand grabbed for it at the same moment, brushing against her own. She recoiled, instantly withdrawing her hand as she felt a surge of electricity shoot from the stranger’s hand into her skin and when she looked up, saw that it was the guy from the escalator. She narrowed her eyes as she thought, something about the stranger was gnawing at the back of her mind but she was too frazzled up to figure it out. Then a switch clicked in her head and suddenly, she stood up and started running away from him, following some primeval instinct that she could not even begin to explain.

 Stunned, Phil was left holding the book, lost for words as he failed to fathom what had caused the girl with the chocolate eyes to flee like that. She ran awkwardly under the weight of her heavy schoolbooks, and he was about to pursue her when an alert on his phone told him that his uber was outside.

 It was only when he was sitting in the car that Phil looked at the book in his hand. It was a well-loved, thick A5 notebook bound in floral faux leather with a clasp and tiny lock. The clasp had been damaged when the book fell so he was able to open it and immediately realised it was a diary, written in over the space of several years. Curious, he read several random entries.

Dear Diary,

Walking really hurts right now and I saw blood on my knickers this morning. I think I’m dying and I’m so scared! If I tell mommy, she will punish me for going to his house in the first place. She did warn me not to play with Nicole…. But she’s my friend and she said that Philip asked him to bring me to his house for ice cream. I don’t know why she was laughing when she saw me leaving his house, but my eyes were swollen, I was hurting down there and all I wanted was to get away.

Hey, wait a minute! They told us about periods at school, maybe they’ve started. I’ll use that pad mom gave me just in case (if I can figure out how to put it on). If my daddy was here, I’ll bet none of this would’ve ever happened to me! I know he would have pulled me into his arms, tucked my hair behind my ear, kissed me on the forehead and told me not to worry about anything. Then he would’ve put on his shining gone after that horrid, mean old hurtful Philip and punched him in the face until he was all black and blue, and after that he would get the big knife with a black handle, the new one that cut the skin off my finger the first and only time I used it to cut the onions. My daddy would’ve cut off that stinky old thing which he hurt me so bad with.

Dear Diary,

We got our exam results today. I really thought I would get perfect scores and I am so disappointed with myself. Everyone is making a big fuss and saying that I did very well, but I don’t believe them. Daddy would be quite disappointed with me. Grandpa says he was a genius, always got perfect grades and I thought I was like him. I’m so sorry, daddy. I really wanted to make you proud and go to the same high school you went to but now I don’t even qualify for admission. This is horrible! What will I do? I can never be a doctor now, stupid brain. I wish everyone would stop congratulating me, what’s so special about being second rate anyway?

Dear Diary,

I’m so excited, started high school today! It’s so different from primary school and I feel awesome because I got into one of the best local schools (not as good as daddy’s, though). They placed me in the second-best class, though but I guess that’s not such a bad thing after all. I even made a new friend today. Her name is Jane and she’s very nice, got the exact same results as I did! It’s crazy how many subjects we’re doing! Gosh, I had no idea it would be like this! I do love to learn all this new stuff, though the notes are just too much!!

Dear Diary,

Mom got a job in a city far from home, so I’m going to live with my aunt for a while. I’m excited about the move, my aunt’s house is nice and there are so many books to read in her house, there’s always lots of interesting stuff to do there.!

Dear Diary,

I met this handsome boy from next door named Clarence and I can’t believe he likes me! He asked me to be his girlfriend and I think I am going to say yes. I hope nobody finds out; I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS!!!! But he is SOOO cute, I’m amazed he is going to be my boyfriend…...!

Dear Diary,

I met Clarence’s cousin Shadreck today. He’s not as good looking as Clarence but there’s something about him, I feel butterflies in my tummy when he looks at me with his deep, intense eyes. He winked at me when his cousin wasn’t looking, and I don’t know what it means? I can’t stop thinking about him (guilty sigh).

Dear Diary,

My heart is bleeding, and my mind is screaming as I write this. Clarence came to my aunt’s house to see me today and Shadreck was with him. I was alone and they asked me if they could come inside but I was scared that my aunt or my cousins would come home and find them, but they said they wouldn’t stay long. We sat in the living room for a minute and then Shadreck took my hand and led me to the bedroom and kissed my lips. I couldn’t believe this was happening! A million butterflies danced inside my belly, I had dreamed about this a few times, but not the part where he pushed me onto the bed and crushed me with his body. I didn’t want him to do the things he did and oh, the pain again! I caught a glimpse of Clarence peeping in through the slightly open door and I thought he would rescue me, but he just stood there watching until Shadreck made a weird noise and rolled away. Then I finally started to breathe again. My eyes stung as silent tears soaked flowed down the sides of my head and into my ears as I lay on my aunt’s bed, staring at the ceiling. How on earth did I let this horrible, hurtful thing happen to me again?

Dear Diary,

My face is swollen, and my eyes are sore. I went to my father’s burial today. I didn’t know he was dead until I got to my grandad’s house. My cousin Johnson was sent to tell me the news and take me to the funeral, but he could not bring himself to break it to me, so he just said that I needed to go to Grandad’s house. I had no idea what was going on until I saw the coffin and all these women who I don’t know scrambled to embrace me, soaking my hair with tears and snot.

 Of course, I cried too. Rivers cascaded from my tender eyes. I cried for the father I’ve yearned for all my life, and I cried for the father I’ve dreamed of all these years. I cried for all the hugs and kisses he never gave me and for all the times he would never tell me he was proud of me, or that I was his princess. I cried because I could not remember how it felt to be cradled in his embrace or sit on his lap. I cried because I did not know what a kiss on my forehead felt like, and now I never would. Then I remembered the day I phoned his house to speak to him because I missed him, my stepmother answered the phone and swore at me, told me never to call her house again, and I cried even harder.

Dear diary,

Everyone at my aunt’s house is being so mean and horrible to me; I can’t seem to do anything right. I hate it here and I just want to die. Nobody likes me, they all hate me so I’m going to drink these detergents and some pills I found in the house so that I can just die. I’m so miserable! I’ll write a letter to my mom to say goodbye, then I’ll post it and do it after. I’ve mixed everything together and it’s poisonous so I’m sure I will die. Goodbye, world.

Dear diary,

I feel horrible and nobody even knows what’s going on! I mixed bleach and some pills and drank them so that I would die but instead I made myself ill. The bleach tasted awful, and it made me vomit like crazy. It’s been three days, but I can still taste and smell it in my mouth. I don’t know why I didn’t die, maybe God is punishing me. I haven’t gone to school in two days because my tummy hurts, nobody knows the truth about why it hurts, and I cannot tell them. Oh, God why didn’t you let me die?

Dear Diary,

Now I know for sure that there’s something wrong with me! How does this keep happening to me???? Last night was the worst night of my life. I was watching a late-night movie on TV alone in the living room at Grandma’s when my cousin Keith walked in from clubbing with his friends. I’ve always thought Keith was so cool, he is cute but much older than me and had never spoken much to me before. He asked me to fetch him a glass of water and when I handed it to him, he surprised me by pulling me onto his lap playfully. I did not know what to do so I giggled and tried to get off but then he hugged me, and his hands began to wander all over my body. I was so confused and couldn’t understand what kind of joke this was, to my shame, my body responded in ways that I never imagined. This scared me enough to give me the energy I needed to escape, and I sped to the toilet, thinking of going to bed from there. On my way to the girls’ room, I passed by Keith’s room and saw that the door was slightly open. I was totally unprepared for the hands that grabbed me around the waist, pulling me into the dark room. The door was shut behind me and when I heard the key turn, my heart tripled its beating, and I felt my head spin. I tried to tell him not do what he was doing but I never shouted or screamed for help, and I don’t even know why!  I hate him for what he did to me, but I hate myself even more for letting him do it. I should have screamed, I’m sure someone would have woken up. Oh, why did I not scream? I’m so stupid, I deserve to die.

If anyone finds out what happened they’ll say I wanted it, but I swear I didn’t! and besides, no one can know, this will destroy our family…… I don’t know what to do. HELP!!!

Phil was flabbergasted as he rubbed his stinging eyes which threatened to burst any second.

“I must find her!” he said aloud.

“Who?” asked the Uber driver.

“Malaika. I owe her a thousand apologies!”

“Sorry, man. I don’t know her.” The driver told him with a straight face.

“Of course, not…… I never thought I’d see her again……. What are the odds?” the driver finally realised that Phil was talking to himself.

“I wonder if she recognised me. It’s been almost ten years…….”

Phil arrived late for his appointment and had to wait quite a while for a free slot with his therapist, but he did not mind because he had a mission, and nothing would deter him from it. While he waited, he went online and searched for Malaika. after several dead ends, he finally found her profile on Facebook. She was a law student at Birmingham University!

“It’s a sign from God….” He whispered as he realised how easy it would be for him to find her. He made a silent promise to do so that very day and nothing would stop him.

  Malaika slammed the enormous volume shut with frustration, eliciting an irritated shushing sound from the librarian. She had just spent the better part of the afternoon trying to study for an upcoming quiz, but her mind just would not focus. Her early morning encounter had shaken her to the core, and she kept wondering if it was really him or she had just been paranoid. After all, what was the probability that he would have migrated to the same country that she had come to study in?

“Fate can’t possibly be that cruel!” she whispered as she sat with folded arms, all attempts at study abandoned.

 Scenes from that awful day ten years ago flashed through her mind as a lone tear escaped from her eye, burning a trail down her cheek. She wiped it away irritably but more trickled out until a whole torrent let loose and she forced herself to go to the toilet before anyone noticed. Inside a locked cubicle, her breath came in painful heaves as she tried to control the cascade of tears that now flowed hot and heavy. Malaika felt her chest tighten and thought her heart had stopped beating, so intense was her pain as she re-lived every violation that had ever been committed upon her.

               When she finally emerged from the restroom, her face was clean, eyes clear and no traces of her pity party remained as she walked back to her seat.

 “Malaika……hi!” Said a deep voice behind her that stopped her heart.

Wondering how he had found her so quickly, she spun around and almost bumped into him and instinctively she recoiled away from him, cowering with arms across her face. Phil’s heart plummeted and he felt a knife twist in it as he watched her reaction to her.

“You left your book at the train station. I wanted to return it to you.” He said sheepishly as he handed it to her.

Without a word, she snatched her diary from his hand and held it tightly to her chest, stepped back and cast a surreptitious glance at him.

“Malaika, can I please talk to you?” he asked her gently.

Her eyes grew wide as saucers at this unexpected, brazen request while the cat ran away with her tongue.

“I’m so sorry for what happened…… what I did to you…… I … ummm….” his confidence waned with every word as her eyes burned right into his soul and he faltered.

Malaika screamed like a banshee, but only in her mind. She had lived this moment countless times over the years, perfecting the speech that she would make, telling him exactly what kind of monster he was and how many times she had willed karma to find him quickly so that his life would become a living hell. All her pent-up emotions had deserted her, leaving her feeling numb as she stared at the man who had robbed her of her innocence when she was just eleven years old.