Vlad, The Glorious Sexy Beast

Submitted into Contest #158 in response to: Write a story that includes someone saying, “It’s not fair.”... view prompt

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Horror Fantasy Funny

(Content Warning: Violence, Murder, Blood, Strong Lewd and Crude Humor, and Language.)




A pulsating light hid in the stillness of the dark universe. It bent time itself and ripped the very fabric of our reality until at long last…it gave birth to a divine being. The luminescent figure glowed for centuries and studied the galaxy for any signs of life. It soon discovered that it needed to journey further into the great unknown, and thus, it grew wings to swiftly fly further into that great abyss. 


The radiant being soon came across a planet bathed in blue waters and green pastures. A place called Earth. Upon further investigation, the divine being discovered mammals walking on two legs and marveled at how they built a civilization. The white light grew brighter and transformed into a man. He wanted a closer look, so he flew down into our atmosphere and landed in the city of Rondoro.


The people feared him at first, so he spread his wings and remained still like a statue. For over a millennium, he watched the comings and goings of men and women and wondered what made them tick. The city grew larger around him, and still, he did not move a muscle nor blink an eye. He allowed the dirt and grime to paint his flesh, turning him to stone. Humans came to worship the one-hundred-foot monolith figure like a God, and for all they knew, he was one.


One day, two women sat on a bench underneath the giant stone statue, sharing stories about rumors and gossip. The city of Rondoro had its fair share of tales, and those farces were a popular topic among the citizens…


“So, what did you think about Mayor Kroll’s sex orgy caught on tape, Gloria?” Jill asked, fluffing her brown curly locks.


Gloria smacked her crimson lips together and uttered, “Oh, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m sure it’s a smashing good time!”


“Well, you won’t be disappointed,” Jill gasped with rosy cheeks. “I can say without the slightest hint of hesitation that Mayor Kroll does indeed have a big strudel.”


They laughed in unison, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ha!” 


After catching her breath, Gloria pointed to the enormous stone statue with wings. “Speaking of strudel, would you take a look at that thing? Can you imagine if he were real?”


Jill grabbed her chest and felt her heart flutter. “Oh, yes. I imagine it every night,” she gushed. “He comes into my bedroom like a thief in the night and steals my innocence!”


“Oh, do go on!”


“Let’s just say that he is no three-minute man. He’s more like a marathon sex God!” 


“J-Jill,” Gloria stuttered, “you’re making me blush just thinking about it!”


“Well, I guess I can leave the rest up to your vivid imagination!”


Gloria took a deep, shuddering breath and smiled. “If only you could take a swim through my thoughts. It would make even your wildest dreams seem tame in comparison!”


Jill laughed. “I never knew you had such a wild side.”


“Neither does my husband,” Gloria admitted. “Poor limp bastard! I tell you, I would give anything for a nice hard stiff one—”


“Ahem, ladies!”


Gloria felt her heart plunge into the recesses of her bowels. “Oh, good evening Constable Higgins!”


“How are you today?” Jill asked, hoping he didn’t hear their lewd conversation.


Constable Higgins unbuttoned his collar and straightened out his blue uniform. “I’m fine, ladies. Thank you for asking, but I’m afraid this heat has me rather flustered, and from the looks on your faces, I can tell that I’m not the only one.” 


Jill and Gloria exchanged an awkward glance. He must have heard us!


“Oh, do carry on,” Higgins boasted with a smile. “Enjoy your day!” He tipped his oval hat and wobbled away like a good chap.


The girls laughed again when Constable Higgins was well out of view. “Holy shit, Gloria! He totally heard us!”


“No matter,” Gloria fired. “It’s all well and good. Higgins is a respectable man, unlike all these other limp-dicked assholes! Maybe he can give me a nice stiff one. I mean, he does have a nice firm butt after all.”


Jill shook her head. She knew Gloria was in a bad relationship, but no matter how much she loved her friend, she couldn’t justify her having an affair. “Chin up, Gloria. Things will get better, I promise. In the meantime, you can always dream about this hunky chunk of man-meat standing before us. It always helps me.”


“Ugh… you’re right as usual!” Gloria boasted. She looked up at the giant stone statue and smiled. “Ah... A girl can dream, and it looks like that’s all I can do.”


Time was moving on, and the girls needed to go home. Before leaving, Gloria gave Jill a hug and wished her goodnight. She took one last look at the winged statue and took a deep breath. “If only you were real…” she sighed. Gloria hung her head low and strolled away.


There’s an old saying in this world and one that I’m certain most of you know. Be careful what you wish for because sometimes it might come true. On this faithful day, after an eternity of solitude and isolation, the winged statue blinked.


The stone enslaving the living being cracked, causing a thick blanket of soot to shower the city in a dust storm of pollution. When the dirty fog lifted, there stood a mortal man made not from stone or light but flesh and bone. His muscles were absurdly toned, and his skin was flawlessly perfect. He flapped his brown feathery wings to clear the dark mist from his blue sapphire eyes and gazed upon his magnificent presence.


He rubbed his hands over his ripped body and smiled. After all this time, he finally knew what he wanted. Humans can experience pleasures beyond comprehension, and he longed for that sweet blanket of affection. To feel a warm touch is more powerful than any force in the galaxy, and he wanted that more than anything. He longed for passion and craved a lustful reprieve to satisfy his curiosity. 


That…woman…yes…that woman named Gloria. I will give her what she so desperately wants. I shall call myself Vlad, for humans all have names.


Vlad folded his wings around his sculpted body because he had no clothes. He could smell Gloria’s pheromones lingering in the wind despite the salty air and followed the scent. His nose brought him to a lofty apartment complex where the aroma cascaded like magma flowing from an erupting volcano.


She is here. My sweet Gloria!


“Who goes there,” barked an old man wearing a red suit with black shoes and a matching hat.


Vlad looked at the old man and grimaced. “You do not recognize me?”


The old man narrowed his eyes, but his vision was not what it used to be. “I’m afraid I don’t, good sir. Are you here to see someone?”


“Yes,” Vlad said, looking around the reception area. “I am here for my sexy vixen, Gloria. Where is she?”


“Gloria…” the old man thought for a few minutes and then uttered, “oh yes. I believe she lives on the top floor in apartment 22-C.”


“You have been a great help, old man, but I’m afraid your time has come!”


“Is it dinner time already?”


Vlad slashed his wing like a machete and sliced the old man’s head off. A thick stream of blood gushed from his neck, and his body fell with a loud thud. The other guests screamed in terror and fled for their lives.


Vlad gazed upon the old man’s gushing body and declared, “You should know your God when you see him. A mistake you won’t make again!”


Now it’s time for my sweet Gloria!


Most people would take the stairs or even the elevator to get to the top, but Vlad unfurled his blood-soaked wings and soared through each ceiling until he got to the top floor. He stormed down the hallway like a raging sea until he arrived at 22-C.


The fire alarms were buzzing like a swarm of festering bees, and Gloria’s husband, John, opened the door to see what was happening. He saw a giant naked man chiseled from stone standing in the doorway and said, “Who the bloody hell are you?”


Vlad looked at the helpless man and remembered what Gloria had said about him. “You are the one married to Gloria?”


“Yes, what of it?!”


“You should be ashamed of yourself for not giving her what she needs!”


“What are you going on about?”


“Grrr!” roared Vlad. He was tired of the conversation.


John tried to shut the door, but a simple wooden plank could not stop a living God. Vlad ruffled his wings and smashed the wood into a million splinters. John cried out for help, but his screams were cut short. Vlad lunged through the air like a flying predator and sliced John in half. His guts tumbled out like a spilled bowl of spaghetti, and the smell of bile filled the air.  


Gloria ran out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a pink towel. “Agh! What the fuck are you?!”


“Look further, my love,” Vlad said with a full throbbing erection. “Do you not recognize your God?”


Gloria’s trembling eyes floated from her dead husband’s corpse to the enormous man meat standing before her. “This can’t be real… You can’t be real… You’re supposed to be a statue. I must be going crazy!”


Vlad took one step forward and saw a single tear fall from Gloria’s left eye. Her husband was dead, but there was no denying her lustful gaze.


“Yes,” urged Vlad. “See me… Now take me!”


Gloria felt like a wild beast let loose on a savage land—free to do whatever she wanted. She tore her towel off to reveal her mortal flesh and jumped into Vlad’s open arms. He wrapped her in his wings, smiled, and felt the glorious wonder of skin on skin. As they became one, they felt a wet sensation of splendor, and it wasn’t long before howls of ecstasy filled the building and rocked the very foundations.


Several hours later, Gloria lay exhausted next to her newfound mountain man and marveled at his physique. She rubbed her hand over his ripped muscles until she came to his toned buttocks. Like a playful kitten, she pinched his right ass cheek, and something unexpected happened.


Vlad turned to see his lover writhing in pain. Gloria’s fingers were clenched, and her eyes rolled back into her skull. Her organs pulsated like water balloons filled with too much water, and her flesh was as pale as a ghost on Halloween night. Vlad could hear her bones crunching beneath her skin, and with a deafening scream, Gloria exploded into a green mist. It looked like a gas cloud floating in the air, but this was no ordinary mist. It was Gloria’s essence. The green fog floated around the room, and Vlad kept a watchful eye on it. What happened next surprised even him. 


The fog spun round like a tornado and surrounded Vlad in a twirling haze. He opened his mouth because he felt like the oxygen in his lungs was being sucked away. Only the mist wasn’t doing the sucking—Vlad was. It was a dormant instinct inherited from the dark recesses of space from which he was born.


Vlad swallowed Gloria’s green energy and felt a new surge of power electrify his inner being. He looked down at his muscular body and saw it grow before his very eyes. He felt more alive than the night’s penetration and wanted more.


“I need more of this good shit! From this moment on, I shall be called Vlad, the Glorious Sexy Beast!!


He needed more women to satisfy his craving, but he needed to make a big change in order to pull it off. Sure, his body was every man’s dream, but his wings were a hindrance that would scare even the wildest of ladies. 


Without a second thought, Vlad reached behind his back and ripped his wings off. The pain filled his eyes with tears, but it was a sacrifice that needed to be made. He lost his power of flight, but he didn’t care. He could walk like any human, but unlike any human, he would take what he wanted. He was hungry for more souls. 


Over the next several years, Vlad went from woman to woman, devouring their essence. All he had to do was get them to pinch his butt, and they were his. Their lustful wishes to be with a living God made them greedy with desire. For Vlad, it wasn’t just about the sex. It was the power he felt after he took their souls. It gave him strength and kept him young and beautiful. When Vlad took the form of a human, he inadvertently gave up his immortality, so the only way he could survive was by feasting on the innocence of lustful desires. And oh, how he feasted.


There were complications along the way, of course, but Vlad put his powerful hands to work and murdered any man who tried to interfere with his food. Even Constable Higgins was no match against Vlad when he bedded his wife. With one powerful strike, Vlad smashed Mr. Higgins’s head into his chest cavity, killing him instantly.


The ladies couldn’t get enough of Vlad. They flocked to him like flies on shit, but like any good thing in this world, all good things must end.


One day, Vlad met a woman cut from a different breed. She was magnificent with her brown curly locks, rosy cheeks, and curvaceous body. Her name was Jill, and unbeknownst to Vlad, was Gloria’s best friend. He loved how she played hard to get and didn’t make it easy for him. He loved a good challenge and the pursuit of dominance.


Vlad had secretly disemboweled Jill’s boyfriend, thereby eliminating his competition, not that he had any, to begin with. Jill was devastated but instantly found herself smitten with the living God. She teased Vlad for several days, promising him dirty deeds that shall never be mentioned here, which pleased him. 


After years of degrading women and sucking away their souls, Vlad was now at Jill’s mercy in his wondrous penthouse. She wore a black leather dominatrix outfit that would turn any slave green with envy. Vlad was excited because he knew that this was the day she would give herself to him.


“Do you want this body,” she asked.


Vlad batted his eyes and replied, “Yes, I want it more than anything in this galaxy!”


“Good,” Jill fired. She slapped his face and ordered, “Now put that erection away and beg for it!”


Vlad fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, please, my sweet vixen. Let me taste your flesh!”


“You have to do better than that!”


“Please, Jill, just let me kiss those beautiful toes!”


“Is that all you want? Tell me what you really want!”


Vlad hesitated, but only for a brief moment. “I-I can’t take it any longer! I want you to pinch my ass!!”


Jill smiled and gave him another tease. She pulled him up and placed her soft, delicate hands on his right butt cheek. “Is this what you want?”


“It’s not fair.”


“What isn’t fair? I’m rubbing your ass.”


“It’s not fair how you tease me!”


“Very well. Out of the ashes, I’ve come to play. Bend over further, and let me rub that golden rumpus some more!”


“Oh, yes,” Vlad moaned. “Here it is, baby! Come and take it! Now, just give it a little pinch.”


Vlad’s voice changed an octave. His deep voice changed to a shrieking scream as Jill rammed her fist up his ass. She grabbed his tailbone and yanked it out, head and all. His skull was still attached to his vertebrae, and thick ichor erupted from his anus. His lifeless body fell to the floor and twitched like a live wire.


Jill held Vlad’s spine closer to her face, so she could look into his eyes. “Do you think I didn’t know what you did to my best friend?! Gloria didn’t deserve that! My boyfriend didn’t deserve that, and none of those women deserved that. You’re nothing but a self-conniving pig, and you don’t deserve to live among us!”


Vlad’s eyes rolled backward, and Jill placed her blood-soaked lips on his. “Here is something to remember me by!”   


Before leaving, Jill shoved Vlad’s head back into his ass. She parted her brown curly hair to reveal two black horns.



With a devilish smile, she uttered, “Never fuck with a She-Devil!”  

August 08, 2022 06:23

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15 comments

Seán Mc Nicholl
22:11 Aug 08, 2022

Daniel, this was off-the-wall, over-the-top hilarity! Undertones of the dangers of lust and of chauvinistic behaviours but more importantly it was a very funny dark-humoured read! Well done!!

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Daniel R. Hayes
22:24 Aug 08, 2022

Thank you so much! This was a wild story to write, even for me, but I'm so happy you enjoyed it. I put a lot of thought into it and it was super fun to write. :) Thanks again!

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Michał Przywara
21:53 Aug 08, 2022

Ah, a space god stealing mortal souls via a lusty butt pinch -- a tale as old as time :) I like the setup here, with the statue. How many inanimate objects do we take for granted, and how many of them are actually other worldly entities just biding their time? Spooky to think about. The puff of green smoke is a comical counter point to the gratuitous violence. Also, some of the interactions, like with the old doorman. There's some interesting things going on too. Here we have a devil protecting mortals from a god. And he tears his wings o...

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Daniel R. Hayes
22:07 Aug 08, 2022

Hahahaha, okay... I still can't stop laughing at that last line! Thank you for those wonderful comments. This was indeed a crazy story and I'm so glad you liked it. Again, I had a lot I had to cut out, but that's the nature of the game ;) Vlad, the Impaler.... hahahahahaha!!!! :)

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Riel Rosehill
20:51 Aug 08, 2022

OMG Daniel 😂 I knew it was gonna be a wild ride but is wasn't what I expected! That title..! I thought it's gonna be Vlad Tepes (Dracula) but oh I was wrong. Love the premise - As you know, I too enjoy a character who's a piece of beautiful art coming to life to indulge himself in the darker pleasures of life😉 And that ass-pinch detail was hilarious. “I-I can’t take it any longer! I want you to pinch my ass!!” - I can't take it any longer! 🤣 "Vlad’s voice changed an octave." - I'm not convinced anything happening in this paragraph is ...

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Daniel R. Hayes
21:13 Aug 08, 2022

Thank you Riel!! So, I have to be honest, I felt a little odd writing this story just because of the lewd stuff, but at the same time I was laughing my butt off. I knew it was going to be funny and a little awkward to write, but I said what the heck. :) The pinch my butt idea to steal their souls came to me when I was tired, and when I get tired I get silly. I asked myself, wouldn't it be cool if this happened? The she-devil killing him was inspired by a fatality in a video game called Mortal Kombat. Sub-Zero can rip someone's head o...

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Graham Kinross
23:59 Aug 18, 2022

What. The. Fuck. I was wondering when he’d get his comeuppance. I didn’t think it would happen Mortal Combat style. He thought she was going to finish him, probably didn’t imagine it like that. Reminded me a bit of an episode of Torchwood. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_One_(Torchwood)

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:02 Aug 19, 2022

Hi Graham! Thank you so much for that funny comment and the link. I don't think I've seen Torchwood. I'll have to check it out. Yeah, this story was all kinds of crazy! I had the idea and decided to write it. I didn't think anyone would like it though... I'm glad you did and this made me smile today. Thank you! :)

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Kendra Lindholm
22:29 Aug 17, 2022

The title sucked me in, but what a ride! I’d love to read more about the she-devil maybe in another story!

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Daniel R. Hayes
23:05 Aug 17, 2022

Thanks Kendra, that could happen. I always like writing sequels ;) I'm glad you liked this one!

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Marty B
22:19 Aug 16, 2022

“Never fuck with a She-Devil! Great words of advice- a fun one to read!

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Daniel R. Hayes
22:23 Aug 16, 2022

Hahahaha, Thank you. I'm glad you liked it :)

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Ron Davidson
16:16 Aug 10, 2022

Daniel, This is one crazy story! I really enjoy the vivid imagery in your writing! Keep exploring…it makes some fun reading. -Ron

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Daniel R. Hayes
23:29 Aug 10, 2022

Thank you so much, Ron! I plan to do just that, and I'm so happy you liked the story! :)

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:43 Aug 08, 2022

Author's Note: Thanks for reading, and if you would like to watch a short flash fiction video about this story check out my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKmYJlgyKyzFGYC7Zqkf2jw

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