21 comments

Funny Contemporary Happy

“Are you there God? It’s me…”

“Dad. Put that down. It’s a model of a colon, not a house phone."

“Listen Margaret, when a colon calls you, pick it up and ask questions.”

“Dad.”

“Margaret.”

“It’s Maggie now. I haven’t gone by Margaret since the Great Depression.”

“Oh alright then. Don’t get your pantaloons into a bundle. I hope I get that smokin’ hot nurse from last time. What was her name?”

“Barbara. Her name was Barbara, Dad .”

“A real looker, that one. Don’t tell your mother I said so. Her heart would break if she knew I had a thing for a purple haired old gal with clip-on earrings.”

___________

“Mr. Hanson, how have your symptoms been since you were last in our office?”

“Well, I gotta tell you Barb. Can I call you Barb? My reed valve isn’t humming to the tune that it normally does.”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow Mr. Hanson.”

“The old woodwind isn’t blowing like she should.”

“I’m very sorry, Barbara, my dad likes to process his pain through humor. He’s about the same as last time.”

“The old bassoon isn’t hitting the F# like she oughta. Doesn’t matter how much pressure I put on the old reed valve or finger hole, she’s not blowing sharp and bright like when I was twenty if you catch my drift.”

“I’m sorry, Barbara. It’s far too early for you to deal with the likes of Frank Hanson.”

“I’ll make a note to the doctor, but I’ll be back to prepare you in a few minutes. The opening goes in the back Mr. Hanson.”

“Please, call me Frank, Barbara. You’ve seen what I’m working with. At this point, I think a first name basis is warranted.”

________

“Dad, you can’t go around telling people that your reed valve is broken. That nurse thinks that you’re a musician down at a local jamboree. And the wink at the end? You can’t just wink at a woman who will see your buttcheeks in the next hour.” 

“What are you talking about Margaret? Everyone in this doctor’s office likely has a broken reed valve. This is the ass doctor, isn’t it?”

“Dad. Your asshole is not a reed, let alone a valve. It’s a sphincter.”

“Your mother told me that I was going wine tasting today, in fact she promised. Don’t tell your mother, but I think she’s a sphincter because this is not a vineyard.”

“A colonoscopy, Dad. That’s what we’re here for. You've been divorced from mom for almost 30 years now.”

“Do you suppose they’ll give me a nice red from the nineties in my IV? I do prefer hints of hickory and pear. Write that down on my pre-op worksheet, Margaret.”

“There’s not a spot for your beverage selection, Dad. Sorry. I’m sure they’ll offer you something to drink when you wake up.”

“Lovely. I suspect they’ll serve me a room temperature unfermented wine with undertones of apple in it.”

“You mean apple juice dad?”

“Tomato, toma-toh.”

________

“DAD!! I can see your entire butt. Give a girl some warning, won’t you?”

“How the tables have turned, my sweet daughter. I had to look at that butt of yours for almost three years of your early life. Hell, I even had to wipe that stinky thing.”

“I was a baby, Dad.  I’m fairly certain it was in your job description to keep this butt clean. Besides, baby butts are like the cutest thing ever. So, you’re welcome.”

“Margaret, you used to poop in buckets. No bucket was too big, no bucket was too small. If Margaret needed to poop, she’d poop in them all. Preschool was a real bust for you when you christened the bucket of blocks on your first day.”

“It’s Maggie now. Can we please stop discussing my nefarious pooping proclivities? We’re here for you, this is important.”

“Right, my reed valve is missing the high notes.”

________

“Mr. Hanson, good morning. Are you ready for your colonoscopy screening? We want to make sure that we get a thorough look around and keep an eye on anything that might be problematic.”

“Dr. Belvins, I have a question for you… You’re married right?”

“Yes, Frank, I am.”

“What does your wife do? She puts up with a lot of crap married to a butt doctor, I imagine.”

“I’m sorry Dr. Belvins, you’ll have to forgive my father for his poor taste in conversation. He won’t admit it, but he’s nervous about today’s results.”

“Margaret, let me speak with the man. I have the right to know a bit about him. His camera will be in my nether regions at half past the hour.”

“It’s Maggie, Dad.”

“Gastroenterologist, and she tolerates me just fine.”

“Right, but what does she do for work?”

“If you must know Frank, she’s a psychiatrist. Now, we must get going. Maggie, we’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Did you hear that, Margaret? Dr. Blevins and his wife specialize in odds and ends.”

_____

“Oh hey, Barb! Fancy meeting you here.”

“Mr. Hanson, I’ll need you to lie back and relax and count backwards from 100.”

“Barb, you know I’m not a numbers guy right? You think we could sing a song from Sir Mix-a-Lot’s discography?”

“Frank… Fine. ‘So Fellas,’”

“Yeah.”

“Fellas.”

“Yeah.”

“Has your girlfriend got the butt?”

“Hell ye–”

“Alright, Dr. Blevins, Mr. Hanson is completely sedated.”

______

“Hey dad, how’re you feeling?”

“Margaret…”

“It’s Mag– oh nevermind.”

“Where’s my vintage glass of red? This tastes a helluva lot like cranberry juice. Some wine tasting.”

“Dad.”

“Margaret.”

“We’re waiting on Dr. Blevins report and for the sedation to wear off before I can take you home.”

“You know, I need to check on Barb before we leave. She is probably feeling a little shy having just seen me naked and all. But I want to assure her that she’s the only one who gets a looky-look if you catch my drift.”

“Dad, can you just stop!? This is serious.”

______

“Mr. Hanson.”

“Please, call me Frank… All the ass doctors do.”

“So we made some surprising finds when we scoped you. It looks like the cancer is back. It’s spread quite a bit. I’m really very sorry.”

“You’re saying that I won’t be able to play  F3 or G3 like I used to?”

“Dad, quit it!”

“No Frank, I’m sorry you won’t be playing the bassoon like before.”

______

“Hey dad, what’s on your mind? I’m worried, you’re so quiet.”

“Margar–Maggie, do you suppose your mom will cry when I die?”

“Gosh, I don’t know dad. I mean, she did love you once. What has got you thinking about that?”

“It’s just, I’d hate for her to miss the music we used to make together.”

“Dad, is this another one of your reed valve jokes turned sexual?”

“Hey, you can drop me here. I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

“Hey Dad, I love you, you know? I’d pick up your colon phone call any day.”

“I love you too, Maggie.”

February 08, 2022 18:35

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21 comments

Riel Rosehill
00:27 Feb 17, 2022

Hey Shea, Working in retail and meeting quite a few old people I think you have captured the voice and sense of humor of a certain type really well! And I really relived the confusion at these jokes I felt then, haha!

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Shea West
01:17 Feb 17, 2022

Thanks Riel! I can only imagine some of the "jokes" you've heard working in retail! Appreciate the read and the comment.

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00:32 Feb 15, 2022

I loved your story very much. The dialogue is so genuine and funny! Thanks for your story!

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Shea West
00:44 Feb 15, 2022

Thank you Kathryn, I am so happy to hear you liked it!

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Deidra Lovegren
00:02 Feb 15, 2022

Huge fan of this. Authentic and so utterly human.

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Shea West
00:13 Feb 15, 2022

Thanks Deidra!

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Zack Powell
21:13 Feb 13, 2022

I'm always a little jealous whenever I'm on here and I read one of these dialogue-only stories because I've never managed to make the format work. So first off, Shea, congratulations on succeeding where others of us have fail. This was hilarious. I have a soft spot for Dad jokes, so the father had me cracking up laughing the whole time. And yet, I was right there with Maggie, getting secondhand embarrassment the whole time too. Great choice to turn a story about something that's inherently very seriously into a comedy. It's amazing how much...

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Shea West
04:56 Feb 14, 2022

Zack, thanks so much for your comment! This story is loosely based on my dad. He's a real kick in the pants and funny as hell. Dad jokes are timeless, there's no two ways about it! And I assure you my dialogue story is in the junior league compared to many others. Check out Deidra Lovegren's stories that are strictly dialogue... Genius stuff over there!!! Your winning story has been on my list to read this week!

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Daniel R. Hayes
22:17 Feb 10, 2022

This was amazingly funny, Shea!! I loved how you told this story through dialogue, and it must be a trend because I've read some other stories where this has been the case. This was perfectly executed and I think it's one of the best stories I've read all week! Great job as always, loved it!! :)

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Shea West
19:00 Feb 11, 2022

Hey thanks Daniel! It is trending, and I won't lie I was inspired by Deidra and how she executes wonderful dialogue driven stories. I needed to do something different than my normal, as time was limited. Appreciate the love.

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:53 Feb 12, 2022

Always, my friend!! I'm glad you're not afraid to try something different because I truly believe that's where we as writers, can grow and get better at our crafts! I hope you keep on rockin' it girl!!! :)

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K. Antonio
17:30 Feb 10, 2022

The terminology and the voice here were hilarious. The ending scenes were touching, I guess I just didn't suspect that anything bad was going to happen in the end. Regardless though, it's still a sweet piece and the father was such a character.

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Shea West
18:21 Feb 10, 2022

I've been neck deep writing so many other things, I needed to do a palate cleanser here. This character is loosely based on my own dad. He's a funny dude, so it was an easy draw on inspiration. My dad doesn't have colon cancer, but his mom(my grandmother) did die from it. Thanks for reading K. I suppose I should finally start my Challenge #5 for Globe.... AHHHHH!

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K. Antonio
20:32 Feb 10, 2022

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who hasn't started! xD

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Shea West
20:34 Feb 10, 2022

Birds of a feather, f**k off together! or something like that right?

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14:42 Feb 09, 2022

Well done! This story was very entertaining for me. Great job, Shea! -Kate

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Shea West
17:00 Feb 09, 2022

Thanks for reading!

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Zelda C. Thorne
07:13 Feb 09, 2022

I want to try another dialogue only story. The characters popped, very sweet. Loved thw way you started it, made me laugh. Nice one.

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Shea West
17:02 Feb 09, 2022

Rachel, I'd never done one! This really as a quick palate cleanser if you catch my drift. I've been writing so many other things I needed to write something that felt easy and light. This story is loosely based on some of my own father's characteristics. He's always called his butt his reed valve and when he had his first colonoscopy he told everyone that his wife promised him wine tasting instead.

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Zelda C. Thorne
18:08 Feb 09, 2022

Hahaha your Dad sounds like a great character!

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Shea West
18:45 Feb 09, 2022

He refuses to call me by name, and only refers to me as SheaBob. So yes, a character is a great way to describe him!

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