I miss you.
You are on my mind but I don't know how to reach you, how to clear away the fog that envelops me.
I miss your smile.
Your gentle strength.
I miss you.
I'm overwhelmed by my grief for you and my rage for losing you.
I should be at work but I'm not, staring into a blank screen, grasping for something to share.
I miss you.
As I sit here, listening to your favorite song, I keep thinking that it is about you.
You know that you would say I'm making it all up.
That I'm not even close to understanding what loss is.
You would tell me that I was "moving too fast," and that I was completely delusional.
But I am moving fast, don't you see?
I'm not there yet.
I don't know what that feels like.
I don't know what it means to walk away from the life we had together and I don't even know what that life is.
It's strange to realize that your body no longer belongs to you but I find myself counting the days, trying to figure out how many there are.
When it's murder.
You wouldn't kill yourself, Lily. You were the sun. The sun never dies. It was murder.
Lily. You would never.
I just don't want you to think that. It was in November, four months ago.
I was in tears when I saw your house on the horizon, headlights bouncing over the gravel driveway.
There were clouds but it was so bright I could barely make out the garage, the tires kicking up gravel and dust, hitting the dirt just beyond.
It was on a cul - de - de-sac in a neighborhood in Fort Collins and your dad was sniffling as he sat in the car.
I was on the porch, unable to bear another moment of silence.
I didn't know how to talk to anyone anymore, unable to wrap my head around the fact that you weren't here.
You were always such a sun in my life, spring, a lifeline.
You were a friend, a companion.
I never needed to be alone.
It was in December, a few weeks ago.
We went to a showing of A Christmas Story at the theater in the middle of the woods and I thought you were going to put your arms around me and hold me close.
You didn't, but you wanted to so badly.
I'm sorry, I couldn't.
I'm sorry, I couldn't see the signs.
I'm sorry, I couldn't see the signs that someone was hurting you.
But I'm going to find that someone. I miss you, Lil.
I think about you all the time.
You haven been on my mind since we were together, you and me.
The only reason that song came on the radio was because it was Christmas and Christmas was my favorite time of year because that was when you and I were together, closer than ever.
What am I supposed to do without you?
Where do I go from here?
It's hard to stay in today when you were the sun. You were the star and you didn't even know it.
You didn't have to.
I could have asked you to, I could have tried harder, I could have been better.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't stop you, I'm sorry I didn't love you enough.
I'm sorry you weren't there for me.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
I didn't want you to feel like you weren't in control of anything.
I didn't want you to have to feel like you were on the bottom of my world.
You were the star.
You were the one that brought me light and warmth and I wish that I could have given that when you were hurt.
Charles. One name.
That's all I've got. One name, to figuring out who made you do it.
Smeared in your blood. Charles.
Who is he, Lily? Who is he?
Did he kill you?
ANSWER ME, LILY!! I yelled, tearing the picture of us together.
See? Sometimes I forget you're dead. It's like a whirlpool.
"I'm sorry, my dear, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." I tore my hand through my hear, my tears falling down and down.
My life, Lily. I'm going to find out, okay?
I'm going to find out, Lily.
It's gonna be okay.
The bell rings. Must be the food guy.
He got the cigarettes.
I know, I know, I shouldn't be smoking. But I have to find out.
I'm going to find out, my dear.