We're Okay.

(Grunt) Coffee... Drip faster ... Ah! ... More ...

Must have been that last glass...

What time is it? Noon? Half the year is gone, already.

More coffee....

Alright, I promised myself. Let's do this. Paper. Pen. Here goes.

Jan. 1, '24. New Year's Resolutions.

... (Chew on pen)

... (Make more coffee)

... (Blank stare)

I'll be a better person.

Suzie, baby cakes, define 'I'.

Huh? Who are you?

We'll get to that, just do it.

I, me, 1st person singular.

You mean the one in charge, the one occupying your space? The love of your own life. The most important person you know.

What? Wait! Slow down. No, just me, humble little me. Really, I'm just talking about me.

You mean us?

No, me.

You and I and the rest of the gang here.

(sigh) No, it's just me.

Sorry, kid. But we're all one package.

Huh?...

No, it's past time you knew. This is a cooperative, get it? There are many parts that make Us. We can sit up and be nice - for a little while. We can be, well let's just say less-than-nice and you know we have, right? We can be smart or stupid, impulsive or thoughtful. We can overindulge or be frugal. And we are very good at those two, aren't we? Basically, it's not just you, it's us. Get it?

(Whimper) No, not really.

Okay, let's try it this way. Yo! Everybody, wake up! Sue-Sue wake Simon up, will you? Thanks sweetie. Right, now. Ready?

I'm not sure.

I hear you, love. I hear you. Hi, I'm Suzanne. You could call me the moderator, or peacekeeper. We'll talk some more. But let's start with shy you. Sue-Sue? Huh? No? She's not quite ready to come and say hello. Surprise there. Okay, next is smart you. Sage, ready?

Good afternoon, Suzie. I'm the one who got us through grad school. I'm the one who jumped through all those academic hoops. You are welcome. But really, don't do that again, okay? Now, let's be brave and take that first selfie, will you? And let's get to the bottom, or at least beyond the surface of your computer, shall we? Repeat after me: Technology doesn't bite.

Great advice, Sage. Thank you. Here we have Sadie. What's cooking baby?

Suzanne, lay off, will you? I'm more than a cook. Hi, Suzie, Sadie here. Yes, I do the cooking and the laundry, and keep you organized. I make your shopping lists. By the way, girl, would it kill you to eat a salad now and then? I mean ...

Thank you, Sadie. Remember we agreed not to lecture. Oh hey, Simon. Glad you woke up. Wanna say hi?

Hey Suzie. Listen kid, we've got to get back into shape, okay? I'm your tomboy. Remember all those laps we used to swim? Remember those two-pound hand weights? Let's sweat a little, shall we? I've been in hibernation for what? Ten years. Just do as I say, please?

But my back went out.

Sure, we know. And you know that it's not coming home while you sit on the couch. Come on! Dust off those weights. You know we can do this. Right?

(Another whimper)

Suzie, stay with us, honeybun. Come on. I've got someone here who really wants to say hello, again.

Hey Suze, I'm Sugar. Lord! I've missed you, love. We haven't played in so long. Do you remember the last time we had real fun together?

No. Not really, no.

Not surprised. It was last millennium, sweetheart. Come on, baby. Let's get out there and make friends. You know what I mean?

But I'm ... We're ...

Age is just a number, shug. Let's work with Simon and get back in shape and ... Well yeah, there isn't much we can do about gravity, unfortunately. But hon, there are virile seventy-year-old men out there. I think, I hope. Lord, I do hope. (sigh)

Suzie? Are you still there?

I don't know. I don't think I can do what Sugar wants.

Sure, you can. Let's meet Sue, shall we?

Suzie! Sit up straight! Look me in the eye! That's better, girl. Hi, I'm Sue. I'm in charge of ethics and morals. Well, I've delegated those to Ethel. She tells me that she hasn't had that much to do. The occasional unsolicited begging letter. To toss or not to toss? Never mind. You've been doing pretty good there.

My main job has been to absorb all your self-criticism. Soldier, you have got to work on your defenses! For the past (mumble) plus years ... Yes, I know Sage, it's been longer than that, but I have my pride.

Suzie, I have internalized everything anybody has ever said to you. Everything that you have scrutinized, over-analyzed and taken the wrong way. Stop already, will you? Enough! I'm full.

But...

No, I mean it. Stop second guessing everything you have said. Stop second guessing everything someone else has said. Go with the flow. Let me give you a news flash. Everybody is too busy worrying about the same stuff you worry about to worry about your worries. Got that? Trust me on this. You, Suzie, are no better, no worse than Joe Blow next to you on the bus. (sigh) Yes Sage, I know she doesn't take the bus. Wait, Suzanne. let me go fetch Bea. Uh huh, it's your turn.

Suzie!

(Swallow) Yeah?

I'm Bea, aka the second letter of the alphabet. You and I are very close, aren't we? Now, I like you, because you have been giving me a lot of airtime. Remember that guy who cut us off on 74, the other day? Didn't it feel good to give him the bird?

(Giggle) (Cough) I guess, yeah. But ...

Yeah, I know you want to mothball me. But I'm warning you, I'll put up a fight. You're gonna feel that itch. You're gonna think something and the sarcasm will sit right there at the back of your brain. You know the spot, don't you? Right, that'll be me. Twiddling my thumbs, tapping my toes, biting my tongue. Yes, you can retire me, if that's what you want. But do you want to say bye-bye to an old friend? After all, you've hidden behind me for so many years. I'm just saying.

...

Suzie, sweetheart. Say something, dear.

Alright. So, what do you guys want from me?

(Crickets)

Suzie, I'll be honest. Nobody, not you, not us, not that Joe Blow guy, likes change. So, we'll be more than happy to continue bumbling around. Well, okay. Maybe not more than happy. Content, content enough. After all we know what to do. We can do our jobs blindfolded. And we have. Lord! The parties we've had up here! No, never mind. But you were the one to start writing New year's resolutions. So, you tell us.

Oh, my... Right... Okay.

1) Eat more green stuff. How about twice a week?

Sadie says three time per week.

Okay, two to three times per week.

2)Exercise. I'll go find those weight. I promise.

3 Sage? How about I get back to reading some non-fluff stuff?

Wait! Sugar here. Does that mean no more erotica?

I think there are enough hours in the day for both, don't you?

Well. Okay

4) Next. Self-criticism. Help me out here, guys. How do I get over that?

(Crickets)

(Crickets)

Oh, shi ..., I mean shoot! Now you're silent. Suzanne? Sue? Grr. Okay (Deep breath)

I am no better or worse than the next guy or gal, who is struggling with the same issues and not judging me.

(Cheers, applause, whistling, hurrahs, foot stomping.)

Guys! Thanks, but we're having a hangover, remember?

Suzie? ... um ... um... Sue-Sue here. Hi. We're .. so ... we're okay, you know? Right? We've made it this far, right? So... We think you/us are alright.

Aw, thanks, Sue-Sue. And the rest of me/us. You know what? Why don't I tear up this paper. You're right, Sue-Sue, we've lived this many years without resolutions. Let's just focus on accepting me/us till next year.

What about the salads? Hush, Sadie, one battle at a time.