The Lamppost Statue

If ground could have memories, then the road that lead us to school would have known me the best. Since most of the time I had spent with you was on this road.

I still remember the day I first met you. I was in a foul mood for some reason I can't quite recall. I sat there on that park swing, glaring at the other children who were happily playing tag when you suddenly jumped in front of me with that customary goofy grin of yours. To be honest, I was pretty annoyed at first, but then you cracked a joke, and I ended up laughing.

Back then, I had no idea what love meant, but if I had, then maybe the flutter of my heart would have been a lot easier to explain.

You were the new kid in the neighborhood. Everyone wanted to be friends with you, and when you turned out to be living next door to me, I was so ecstatic I almost danced. Even when your other guy friends called me names such as your clingy girlfriend, I did not mind. You were so worth it, because I just wanted to be with you.

Annoying as I might have seemed at first, we ended up becoming friends like I wanted. We even started going to the same school, although it was a bummer we were not in the same class. But I couldn't complain about it, because you always walked me home.

Everyday after school, I'd walk out and like my knight in shining armour, you'd be there, waiting for me. When I'd see you, my chest would swell and I couldn't help but heave sighs of longing. You were there with me, yet you weren't quite mine.

So I waited. I waited and waited, and then waited some more. Just like that, we were in the senior year of high school. I had good days and bad days, but the best memories I had often took place on this road, because you were always here with me.

Somedays, we'd share stories of our friends, the others we'd trade anecdotes of class. When I was with you, even the most unamusing tale could make me laugh hard enough to send me reeling. I could only pray that it was the same with you.

You often told me that I was the best friend you've ever had, but I wasn't satisfied. I wanted more of you, all of you in fact.

If they asked you for your favourite memory, I wonder if it would include me. As for me, I thought it would always remain that one time when we were in the 9th grade. Do you recall it? I had the worst day in school, and once I saw you outside, I couldn't hide my frustration anymore. All my anger and sadness drained out of my system in a puddle of tears.

Even though I couldn't stop crying that day, I still did not want you to see my ugly blotchy face. So instead of talking, I balled my eyes out for the whole evening leaning on this lamppost statue on the side of the road. You did not utter a single word. You just sat there, holding me.

Before today, that memory used to be sacred for me. I mean, you had your arms around me for crying out loud! I only relived it when I was in the most dire need of cheering up, but now - as I'm sitting beneath this same statue, crying just like that day, maybe even more so - that memory is almost as painful to relieve as it is to breath right now.

I'm still the same pathetic girl with an unrequited crush, sitting beneath the same statue, crying the same tears. The only difference is you. Last time, I had you holding me, and now I'm all alone.

It's hard to accept that it was only yesterday when I genuinely believed you could ever love me. But that was before you saw her. I'm not stupid enough to keep living in my fantasies. Now that I'm not blinded by your radiance anymore, it's time to burst my bubble and land on my feet.

It amazes me how you never even hesitated before following her. I was standing right beside you the whole time, but you ran after her like a dog would chase a bone. I was too crushed to say anything.

You never once looked back, which was probably for the best considering the hurt which I was too weak hide.

Correction: the hurt which I am too weak to hide, or I wouldn't be sitting here on the ground, leaning on a lamppost statue for support while I quietly weep because my entire reason for existing is gone in a flash.

***

I don't remember how long I sat there or how much I cried, but when I was finally able to muster back enough strength to tear my swollen eyes open and straighten up, it was dark. The sky was inky black: no sign of the moon or the starts.

I waited for my eyes to get focused, only they never did. Instead, I was suddenly suffocating, and all I had surrounding me was darkness closing in on me from all sides.

Looking back on it, I realize it probably wasn't that dark but that day, no matter how much I strained my eyes, my mind couldn't comprehend much beside the black coils surrounding me, inside and out. It seemed like I had an invisible wound deep inside me, and it was festering faster than I could take it.

I struggled to steady my breaths without much luck. My lungs hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die from the pain.

Maybe I would have, if the light hadn't saved me.

I was still hyperventilating when out of nowhere this golden light sprayed on me. I emptied my mind, focusing only on its source, which was a blinding golden orb floating right above me. I squeezed my eyes, and through the narrowed slits, I saw the shimmering bulb of the lamppost statue.

Two things happened simultaneously at that moment. First, my lungs started functioning again and I could breathe. Second, a thought popped up in my mind.

Why should I be the one feeling miserable?

It took a few hours of crying, almost suffocating to death and a bulb to light up on my head, literally for it occur to me that if anyone should be miserable, it was him.

I did not lose anything or anyone. On the other hand, the same can't be said about him. Not only was he unfortunate enough to lose his best friend but also the person who loved him more than the world itself, and on top of that, he wasn't even smart enough to know what he had lost.

An unfamiliar emotion swirled within me. To my satisfaction, it was pity. For him.

Maybe it was because all my tears had already flowed out and I had none more left, but I did not feel like crying anymore. So I wiped my face, nodded at the lamppost statue, like we shared some unsaid secret and ambled away.