Interviewing a trickster

Below you'll find an excerpt from an interview by the editor-in-chief of Times Weekly, Howard Nash, with the Trickster. Our transcriptionist has tried to make sure that every word uttered during the interview has been transcribed accurately. Nonetheless, we apologize in advance for any discrepancies that might have crept in. Thank you for your co-operation.

Howard : Mr. Trickster, what would you say makes you so successful in tricking people?

Trickster: Well, if I told you I have three friends: Potrino Stag, Antoni Stag, and Toni F. Caden, how long would it take you to realize that these are anagrams of protagonist, antagonist, and confidante, respectively?

Howard : Not very long, actually.

Trickster: Not very long, you say? The people I come across on the street, however, rarely possess that kind of intellect. Thanks to them, I was able to sell a rubber band for a hundred dollars—as a blood pressure regulator—, a paper towel for two hundred dollars—as a skin exfoliator—, and an expired hand-sanitizer for three hundred dollars—as bottled jellyfish.

Howard : What separates a trickster from a fraud?

Trickster : Well, if I were to limit myself to just doing the aforementioned things, I suppose you could call me a fraud. But, let me ask you, can a mere fraud turn the moon blue—so that every day is a blue moon day—, dispense prophecies instead of cash from an ATM—so that it becomes an automated fortune teller machine—, or add two Fridays in a week—so that people can have a better Friday after the good one? No. You need a trickster for that.

Howard : You’ve said that some people do have the ability to recognize a trickster. What do they say when they get to know you’re one?

Trickster: Each time someone gets to know somehow that I’m a trickster, the first question they ask is, ‘If you can pull off all these tricks, why not invest your time in doing something good for humanity?’ and each time I close my eyes, bow down politely, and turn their heads into cabbages, just to maintain a coherence between their talk and their appearance. Would you expect a cricketer to run halfway down the pitch and attempt to pole-vault with the bat? Would it delight you to see a professional diver jump off the diving platform and pull a chord that opens the parachute? No way, right? Then why, I ask, shouldn’t a trickster pull off tricks?

Howard : Perfectly reasonable. Could you tell us something about yourself that not a lot of people know? You know, things people won’t find on the internet.

Trickster: Oh boy! Before answering your question, can I let you in on a secret? The things that you read on the internet about tricksters, have been put there by tricksters. You see, it doesn’t take very long for someone who can turn into an elephant at the snap of fingers to fiddle with some HTML. To answer your question, there’s one thing about us I believe no one knows. When we deceive someone by lying, our lifespan is reduced by two earth days. Pretty scary considering lying is the first thing on our job description. But, we’ve been given this amazing gift of possibly doubling our lifespan if we tell the truth and the majority of people don’t believe it. The only condition is that the truth needs to be heard by at least a billion humans.

Howard : That’s interesting. I’ve never read it on the—ah, never mind. So, Mr. Trickster-

Trickster: Just an FYI, my real name’s Giord.

Howard : Is that a-?

Trickster: Nope, that’s not an anagram of anything. That’s my real name. Sounds kinda serious so I prefer to go with Trickster.

Howard : Alright. Mr. Trickster, how do you choose your victims?

Trickster: Whoa, victims? I’m a trickster, not a serial killer, you know! I mean, sure I’ve made some people look like they’re dead but haven’t actually killed any. Anyway, the way I go about selecting a person to trick depends entirely upon the person. Let me explain; if I were to offer you a bubble-wrap that has, say, four or five unpopped bubbles left, will you even bother to take it? No, right? It would be like trying to kill a cadaver. When it comes to people I’d love to trick, I go for the ones that haven’t been tricked or who think of themselves as untrickable. Man, it’s so much fun to trick these, I tell you!

Howard : Any examples of that?

Trickster: Alright, here’s one. So there was a guy named Mark. Would berate almost everyone he met. Mark wanted to become the world’s best mutual fund manager. So, I made him one…

Howard : I don’t recall any mutual fund manager named—

Trickster: On Mars. I was thinking of what I should do to him when I remembered this joke I’d read; ‘The secret to winning every race, is to run alone.’ Don’t worry, I brought him back in twenty seconds. He’s been very down to earth since.

Howard : I suggest contacting Mr. Elon Musk. He might be able to find a suitable job for you.

Trickster: Ha! Good one. Are there any more questions for me or are we done here?

Howard : Two more questions before we wrap up the interview.

Trickster: Figured.

Howard: What are your limitations?

Trickster: Oh, quite a few. But, I won’t disclose them to you, for obvious reasons.

Howard: One or two, maybe?

Trickster: Well I suppose I could do that. So, I can’t compose poetry, I can’t figure-skate, I-

Howard: How naive of me to think you’d actually answer that question. I guess that leaves me with the last question. Why did you choose first of April as the date to reveal your true identity to the world? ‘Cause frankly, you could keep doing what you do and no one would ever know. Aren’t you afraid that some people might try to find you and…

Trickster: Kill me? They most certainly could. I’m totally aware of the fact that those who already knew my kind existed could very well also know how to make me disappear for good. That’s happened to other tricksters, and could happen to me, too. But the way I look at it is, to kill Superman, his enemies would naturally stock up on all the Kryptonite they could get their hands on. But, in doing so, they’d be giving Superman the chance to destroy all—or at least the majority—of Kryptonite there is.

Howard : That makes sense.

Trickster: Now, as for choosing first of April as the date to reveal my identity to the world, there’s just one reason. Tell me, when I reveal my identity to the entire world, how many of them are likely to believe me?

Howard : Well, since you’ll be doing it on April fool’s day, not a lot.

Trickster: Exactly.

Howard : Ah, I get it. You plan to double your lifespan. Quite a simple plan, really. But, as they say, simplicity is the trademark of genius. Well, thanks for your valuable time Mr. Trickster. I hope this interview has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me.

Trickster: Oh, you have no idea.

Howard: Pardon me?

Trickster: Never mind. Just a small tip for you; before you leave the building, make sure to look in a mirror. Adiós.