Midnight Memories

I stagger into the deserted station. A flickering street lamp illuminates the entrance and inside, an uncomfortable fluorescent glare hurts my eyes. But the staff have all gone home and the barriers lie open.

I glance up at the clock. 00.00. I’m right on time. Nobody is waiting for the last train home. It’s just me, alone with my thoughts.

I stumble to the very end of the concrete walkway. Did you do the same? Or did you stride with purpose? Confident in your decision?

I trip and fall. Not drunk, but disorientated - lost. I lean forwards on to all fours and crawl. My knees are ripping and dragging on the unfeeling concrete.

Please stay behind the yellow line. 

My fingers edge over the cadmium streak. Creeping forwards. Disobeying the warning. I glance up at the brightly-lit display. 00.04. Not long to wait now.

Time shifts. Four years race through my mind in reverse and settle on a countdown to midnight. Around me, hands are ready to twist corks and tipsy laughter is in the air. I came alone, but one glance was all it took. A familiar stranger entering my life. Your hand in mine, your smile in mine. Happiness. 

Flash forward to lying in damp grass, pretending to know constellations. Cold beans and warm lager. My head on your chest. Your arms wrapped around mine. Desperate to know more and talking all night. Never felt like this. In tune, in sync, in love.

Then one night to always remember. First trip away. Drinks at sunset, dancing in bars. The midnight hour settling over the Seine. Laughing at the sight of an obscene act on the riverbank. My face sore from smiling and my heart consumed by you. Not wanting to ever be apart, we knew we were ready to merge our lives into one. 

Time jumps forward. Have we made a mistake? Clothes on the floor and dirty dishes build up resentment. You say I’m cold towards you. I call you lazy and unappreciative. Then tears, apologies. Remembering good times and holding each other tight. Promising to do better, try harder.

Time cracks. Our room, our bed. Midnight thoughts are racing through my brain. Your back is turned from mine. Another day of sniping, snapping - losing warmth. Who is to blame? Who’s at fault? I reach out tentatively to touch your shoulder and you turn to me gratefully. I know we’re still in love but something is wedging us apart. I look into your eyes but I’m not sure I can see you anymore.

A shift again. The TV is on. Glittering explosions of colour are dancing to music we don’t recognise. We sit in silence. Separate sofas, separate lives. I look up at TEN, NINE, EIGHT. Will we kiss? You are head down, scrolling. SEVEN, SIX, FIVE. Do you feel my eyes on yours? FOUR, THREE. You stand up and walk towards me. Relief. Uncertainty. TWO, ONE. We kiss. But something is holding you back. I cannot connect to you like before. 

Time falls apart. I’m back in bed, sat bolt upright. Breathless, panicked, my heart is pounding. I grab for my phone to anchor me. The time is 00.00. I turn to you but you’re not there. I lie back, uneasy, trying to shift the dread. But something inside me is screaming. There is no answer when I dial your number. And dial, and dial, and dial. Where are you? 

Time stops and shatters into pieces. It can’t be you. Unrecognisable. Smashed apart by screaming metal. Suffering in silence. Why couldn’t I have said, I’m here. Lean on me. We can get through this. Why couldn’t you have said, Help me. I’m struggling. I can’t do this. 

Midnight, midnight, midnight. No sleep, no rest. Replaying it all. Haunted by conversations we never had. How did I not know how badly you were hurting? Why didn’t I feel your pain? 

Time blurs and blends. No you. No me. No us. Choking down vodka and coughing up bile. Curtains closed. Lights off. Push the world away.

But then comes the concern; worried looks and whispered conversations. And so, I get up, act normal, pretend I’m moving on. But your face is always there. And I can’t escape my thoughts. 

Time races but I’m stood still. I can’t stop replaying those last days. How could you leave me like that? Why couldn’t you talk to me? Was I so hard to reach out to? The guilt is overwhelming. I was supposed to be your support, your partner, your safe space. I failed and now I’m left with questions that can never be answered.

And so I’m here. I followed your final footsteps from our house to the empty station. I chose the train you chose. I want to feel what you felt.

00.09. The train now approaching Platform 1 is the…

I swing my legs over the platform edge. My hands are gripping the side, ready to push off. My regrets have turned to despair and there is nothing left for me now. I need to escape.

But then, there is a vibration in my pocket. No one has contacted me in weeks. If you push people away hard enough, eventually they’ll stop reaching out. Despite myself, I check my phone.

Are you OK? You’ve been very quiet recently. I’m here if you need me. 

Dazzling white lights are rapidly approaching. I take a deep breath. Memories are shooting through my head on rewind and fast-forward. Your face. Your face. Your face.

I look up, blinded. 

And I throw myself backwards. 

Hissing brakes shriek to a halt. No one gets out of the beeping doors and I’m left alone, shaking, on the frozen concrete. But finally, something shifts. I look down again at the message on my phone and something human spreads through me. You remembered me. I’m not alone.

I hit reply. I’m not OK. But I will be. 

It’s crystal clear to me now. I can’t be someone else’s midnight regret.