43 comments

Funny

(Dedicated to Jonathan Blaauw for no particular reason.)


Her: “Hey—that looks like quite a load! Do you need any help?” It’s the new guy from account services. Is he coming into the elevator? He’s even better looking close up. Much better looking. Did I put on antiperspirant or deodorant this morning? Either way, this might be a problem if he stands too close. 


Him: “Hold the door. Please, just—hold the door!” Just hit the OPEN DOOR button for God’s sake. It literally is the one that reads OPEN DOOR. Stop stabbing all the buttons. One says CLOSE. One says OPEN. You have a 50% chance of getting it right. 


Her: “Oh, okay!” Why did I just hit the CLOSE DOOR button? Nervous laughter. Do I sound like a goat? A baby goat is called a kid. I’ll start kidding around. He’ll like that. I’ll stick my leg out and the door will politely close on it before it cautiously opens again. Then it will be just the two of us. “I almost sacrificed my leg for you. Of course, I could have just hit the right button instead, but I definitely have a leg up on you.” More nervous laughter. I am braying now, like a baby donkey. I’m a foal. I’m a fool.  


Him: “Thanks.” Oh no, I thought she was getting out. I was hoping to be alone to fart. 


Her: “That’s a lot of files. Are you scanning those files for back up? Being backed up is painful.” Should I offer to help him again or will that emasculate him? Oh, mother of God. He smells like sandalwood. And I don’t even know what sandalwood is. 


Him: “Yeah, I’m moving them from the bowels of the basement to the 17th floor storage area.” Why didn’t I make two trips? I’m going to drop all of this crap. I should have grabbed an intern to help me. Is there a bathroom on 17?


Her: “Hey, did the lights just flicker?” Or is there just a nimbus around this beautiful man’s face? I’m not sure that he noticed that I noticed him noticing me at the last department meeting. He stutters a bit when he’s nervous. That just makes him so much moreokay look, he’s effing hot. Just face it. Red. Hot. 


Him: “Yes, I think—” Oh no. We stopped moving. I’m losing my grip on these files. I’m losing my grip on my sphincter. Why didn’t I put the files in a box at least? I’m such an asshole! 


Her: “So how’s your first week coming? I— ” What the? He just dropped all of his files on the elevator floor. Almost on purpose. Our feet are instantaneously buried in manila folders, loose papers, and binder clips. He looks utterly dejected. I want to comfort him, watching in horror as my left arm raises by its own accord to touch his shoulder in collegial support. Don’t pat him. Don’t pat him. Don’t pat him. I’m now patting his shoulder like an elderly aunt. There, there. Pat. Pat. 


Him: “Sh-sh-shit.” I’m standing here with some cute co-worker whose jaw just dropped at my inability to hold three dozen file folders in an elevator. My intestines are gurgling, and I think the elevator just actually stopped.


Her: “It’s dark.” I’m in a metal box with the man of my dreams and the lights just went out. We may plummet to our death if the elevator cable unspools. But I’ll die with him. Totally worth it. 


Him: “Th-the emergency lights sh-should go on in a few seconds.” There they are. We are bathed in a red light. Why is she staring at me? It’s my stutter. Why do I even bother speaking out loud?


Her: “Good.” Why can’t I blink when I look at him?


It: “There will be a short delay in service. An engineer has been called.”


Him: “I g-guess I have time to sort out this m-mess.” I need a bathroom almost immediately.


Her: “I guess it would be best if I help address this mess.” Who am I now, Dr. Seuss? I am squatting down in a darkened corner of the universe with the father of my unborn children. However, it is now hot as hell in here and my armpits are dripping. I am positive now that I did not put on antiperspirant or deodorant. I smell like an 8th grade boys locker room. I will weld my elbows to my sides to avoid my body odor from sickening us both. 


Him: “T-thanks for your h-help. I can’t believe I p-personally have to move all these files. This is all so irregular.” My squatting down in this condition has been my greatest singular act of bravery. Now I’m in pain. If it were just another man in here, he would totally understand. I would just let it rip, then we’d laugh about it. He’d probably try to best me. Then it would be a fun competition instead of wholesale agony. 


It: “There will be a short delay in service. An engineer has been called.”


Her: “All righty. Here are all the files as good as new. That didn’t take long—did it? I’ll help you get these to 17.” Now I’m his mother, helping him pick up his mess and putting a figurative bandage on his booboo. There is no way he will see me as a romantic figure now. I have absolutely entered the friend zone. We will laugh at our bad puns in the employee’s lounge. He’ll ask me to set him up with one of my friends. At the holiday party, he will give me a friendly one arm hug. I’ll never know what sandalwood tastes like. 


Him: “Th-thanks, again. I really appreciate your h-help. It’s been a very long w-week.” I am new in town. This is the closest thing I’ve had to a real conversation with anyone in weeks.


Her: “I remember when I first started here. The learning curve was pretty steep. If you ever want to grab a cup of coffee—” Hi. My name is Desperate. 


Him: “That would be great.” You are incredibly kind. 


Her: “Yeah?”


Him: “Yeah.”


It: “There will be a short delay in service. An engineer—”


Engineer: “Hey, folks. Sorry for the trouble.”


Him: “No problem. It wasn’t stuck for very long.”


Her: “The timing was perfect.”


Him: “ S-so coffee around 3:00 p.m.?” 


Her: “3:00 sounds perfect. Or we could go right now?” I should really quit when I’m behind. 


Him: “Actually, I need to do some p-paperwork right now.” For at least a half hour.


Engineer: “Let’s check the control panel real quick. Holy cow! W-What is that smell in here?”


Him: “I don’t smell anything. Do you?” 


Her: “No, nothing. Maybe just a hint of sandalwood.” 


September 05, 2020 23:40

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43 comments

Doubra Akika
10:32 Sep 07, 2020

Hey D&D, marvelous piece here! Your writing never fails to amaze me! The story was so hilarious and it was a scene I could paint very well in my head. Glad I checked it out! Hope you're staying safe and taking really good care of yourself!

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10:34 Sep 07, 2020

D&D 🤪 Obviously I’m in a zany mood. Let me know when your next story drops!

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Doubra Akika
10:39 Sep 07, 2020

I noticed😂. And I wrote one yesterday!

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10:41 Sep 07, 2020

It’s brilliant. I should take my 💩 down in honor of your talent.

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Doubra Akika
10:55 Sep 07, 2020

Thank you so much😊. Coming from you, it means a lot! (p.s. yours is definitely better😉)

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Amogh Kasat
08:01 Sep 07, 2020

It's a wonderful story! Please read my latest story

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10:32 Sep 07, 2020

Will do 😀

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Amogh Kasat
15:48 Sep 07, 2020

thanks

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Katina Foster
02:44 Sep 21, 2020

So good. You have a gift. "I’ll never know what sandalwood tastes like" I can't stop laughing!

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09:24 Sep 21, 2020

❤️

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22:55 Sep 15, 2020

My idea of a perfectly perfect, short-sweet-and-funny story!! I loved the banter and the dialogue and the humor! You did all of it soooooo well!!! 😫😫😄😄😄 Keep up the excellent work 👍🏽

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00:52 Sep 16, 2020

Yay! Thanks 😊 for commenting and the moral support ❤️🍔💰💕🎁

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21:45 Sep 14, 2020

And Dei, while you've almost got me in soup with my mom, could you be sympathetic enough to read my recents? THANKS❤️💚💙💙😁🤣😁🤣

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22:19 Sep 14, 2020

Of course, my favorite Nigerian princess.

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22:26 Sep 14, 2020

😌😊😍❤️👑

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21:37 Sep 14, 2020

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂 Okay, okay, you have had success in successfully succeeding in finishing me🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂🤣🤣 You hooked me at: (Dedicated to Jonathan Blaauw for no particular reason) Then you killed me at: I'm not sure that he noticed I noticed him noticing me at the last department meeting.🤣🤣 I was here, innocent me, trying to read this and suffocating my laughter because my mom is exactly opposite me and told me "I hope it's schoolwork you're doing," 🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂 HOW can you do this to me,i can't hold this serious face for too long, ...

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22:19 Sep 14, 2020

Tell your mother you are reading nearly-great American literature.

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22:24 Sep 14, 2020

I will🤣🤣😂😂

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05:47 Sep 13, 2020

Oh my gosh I needed a good laugh, this is great!

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06:45 Sep 13, 2020

‘Tis the season for absurdist humor

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. .
02:37 Sep 11, 2020

I love the detail

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Yolanda Wu
06:27 Sep 10, 2020

Oooh, I loved the structure and flow of this story. It had me laughing out loud at various parts. I really love your writing style, I knew I recognised your name, then I remembered that I actually read 'The Play's the Thing', and absolutely loved it. Amazing work!

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09:31 Sep 10, 2020

Thanks Yolanda ❤️ I appreciate your kind remarks.

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Elle Clark
15:07 Sep 08, 2020

This was hilarious! I loved the two sides and the interplay between the spoken and the merely thought was a great source of humour. Part of me thinks I should be above fart jokes but I’m really not. You also managed to get some poignant moments of self-doubt in there too - I’m not sure how but it seems to have happened anyway. It’s one way I know you’re a very skilled writer! Loved this and laughed my arse off during it.

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Bianka Nova
18:44 Sep 07, 2020

Brilliant! Apparently we adults are just grown children who still laugh at poop stories. Those two were some real characters! (both literally and figuratively)

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20:55 Sep 07, 2020

Always time for a poop story. I'll try to class things up next week. But sometimes things are so shitty, [insert joke here].

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Phil Manders
11:33 Sep 07, 2020

I’m losing my grip on my sphincter! OMG that’s the funniest line I’ve ever read. Why is it that sort of humour never fails? Keep them coming Deidra you’ve brightened my day. Feel free to come on over and check out my very average latest attempt at humour 😁.

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11:42 Sep 07, 2020

Yes, scatological humor is the lowest form of wit. Oh well. Been that kind of week 💩 Heading over to read your latest ❤️

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Jonathan Blaauw
07:32 Sep 06, 2020

This is brilliant! I’m honored to be the dedicatee to a story with such witty repartee. That Dr. Seuss comment, apart from apparently rubbing off on me, was hilarious. Like all of it, The sandalwood, my name is Desperate, quit while I’m behind. The leg up bit at the start, and my all-time favorite, paperwork near the end. You’ve got such an astute way of looking at things! And so accurate and relatable. I’d love to hear your internal dialogue on a day-to-day basis, I’m sure it’d be worth a laugh a minute. You do other, clever things as well...

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08:25 Sep 06, 2020

Your comments are far too elegant for my 1000-word “Pull My Finger” joke. ❤️ Even the Bard liked scatological humor on occasion. So I’m among the pantheon of the literary gods now as well. 🤪

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Jonathan Blaauw
08:44 Sep 06, 2020

You are learning me very much lots of fancy new words. I had to look up scatological (certain you’d made the term up only to acquire a new quill for my vocabularily bow) and then I didn’t know who the Bard was. I first read it as Brad, and thought Pitt, obviously, but, again, I’ve discovered new knowledge. The Bard – I like it. Better than Billy or ‘the Lion King guy’ for sure. Teaching through humor, very clever. I bet your students adore you. Seriously, my favorite teachers were my English ones, they all made a huge impact without even kno...

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08:54 Sep 06, 2020

English teachers are all the same: gorgeous, world weary, pedantic, and sarcastic to the point of illegality. We also hold the wisdom of the past that no one wants, begging feckless youth to care about the culture we attempt to transmit. I just feel like a Library of Alexandria burns down every time a new video game is created...

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08:56 Sep 06, 2020

Brad Shakespeare was William’s ne’er-do-well cousin who sold lawn furniture 🪑

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Jonathan Blaauw
11:41 Sep 06, 2020

My new story, if it behaves itself and gets written, will have a main character named Brad, because it fits perfectly. I was stuck for a name, but I am stuck no longer. Thank you! 🐱‍👤(I didn't know what picture to put but, since discovering them, I've been dying to try ninja cat). 🐱‍👤

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16:22 Sep 06, 2020

Let me know when the next Blaauw falls.

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19:28 Sep 09, 2020

HEADING OVER THERE NOW YAY

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Pragya Rathore
03:47 Sep 06, 2020

This story is unbelievably hilarious! I can really imagine that happening with two people. I enjoyed the thoughts of the boy more- not that the girl wasn't funny too! This story was utterly enjoyable and entertaining, I loved it! Your sense of humor is quite something ;)

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08:48 Sep 06, 2020

Hooray! 🤪 So glad you liked my response to a world of deadly pandemic, violent unrest, and economic uncertainty. I find myself writing escapist silly love stories to distract myself from the news. It was good enough for Boccaccio when he wrote The Decameron in the 14th century. 🦩

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Black Rose
13:26 Feb 13, 2021

Love it !

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Kaylee Tinsley
13:50 Oct 22, 2020

So funny!!!!

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17:16 Oct 22, 2020

It's actually pretty stupid, but :)

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Kaylee Tinsley
19:03 Oct 22, 2020

Well, sometimes we need a little "stupid" in our day - even though your story is quite the opposite :)

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