Valedictorian

Greetings, fellow students, parents and teachers.

Good afternoon, fellow students! And welcome to all parents and faculty!

Hi, everybody!

Congratulations class of 2025! (pause for cheers) and a warm welcome to all the families here, celebrating with us.

My name is Annabelle Woodcock, and despite all of your efforts, I have the great honour of delivering your Valedictory address on this, our graduation day.

It has been a long road for all of us, full of twists and turns, ups and downs. But I am proud to be standing here, alongside one of you, each and every one of you, as we usher in the next phase of our lives. There is a world out there waiting for us all to leave our mark, and despite Granger High being a hick small-town school, I have no doubt that there are stars among us. Exactly two, to be precise.

Do not forget! We stand on the ground that greatness once trod. The likes of Arnold Hedges, the business tycoon and Felicity Draper, the Hollywood actress are only two of many names that grew from the bud that adorned the branches of this building. The very same one that now pushes us from the nest to see if we can fly. I, for one, intend to soar, and I expect I will be joined by every single person here in a flock of achievement that blots out the sun! Definitely not you though, Bonnie Redshaw, you are destined for the nearest street corner or adult film studio.

(Pause for cheers)

We have Tommy, star quarterback and all-round football legend!

Who I hope crashes out as hard as I did, when I dared to approach him at the last fall dance. I’m sure you will all join me in laughter at his failure, as you did so enthusiastically for mine.

(Allow chants and hollers from ape like football team)

There’s Jenny, our very own journalistic extraordinaire!

Whose ample chest will guarantee her the local news anchor job, in the same way it granted her the right to rip apart anyone without blonde hair and a slim figure. But her looks will fade, and so will she, under the intent gaze of all your father’s wandering eyes.

(Endure shrieking and whooping from bimbos)

Not forgetting Harriet, whose activism knows no fear!

And whose militant practices make us all live in terror of what she will do next. Let's hope for all our sake’s that she’s in jail soon. Ideally by the time all my hair grows back.

(Wait for hand signals and wolf howls from environmentalists)

Let's hear it for Marcus, chess champion and mathlete for the state!

Not to mention, scumbag with restless hands, which settled on Bonnie Redshaw while passing straight through my heart.

(Tolerate polite clapping and back slapping from judgemental intellectuals)

And of course, Shana, the class president we all needed. It would be her up here, had she not put all of her efforts into enabling me the rest of us to succeed, at her own expense, as a true friend leader only could.

(Make sure to look her in the eye - she will know you mean it)

There are very few so many more top performers that I could name. Our ranks are filled with high achievers in whatever discipline they have pursued like binge drinking and underage sex, and to all the families here today, you should be mostly ashamed proud of your graduating loved one, for here, they have excelled.

Of course, none of us would have come so far without our committed and generous faculty. Their obligated support and paycheck dependent dedication have been instrumental in our lives for the past four years. Special thanks must go to our headmistress, Mrs Bradshaw, whose complete disinterest oversight has allowed us to prosper. Then there’s Mr Harley, who heads up the history department. He deserves commendation for leading our disastrous unforgettable field trip to Gettysburg and Washington DC! I personally learned a great deal about personal boundaries our heritage and self-defence politics on the residential stay. And how can I not mention Miss Whittaker, who as guidance counsellor, has provided so many of us with neglect direction and helplessness purpose to take into our adult lives. Let's hear a massive round of applause for all the teachers here at Granger!

(Wait for forced thanks to end)

There is also gratitude due to Rodney’s electrical repair shop. Rodney Junior is here today, so let's give him a hand too!

(Remain quiet for short, bemused applause)

As you all don’t care at all well know, Rodney’s store funded a fleet of tablets and laptops that has allowed us to be the first generation in Granger history to make use of modern technology in the classroom. Without this gesture, I would not have been filmed in the bathrooms we would never have been able to utilise educational apps or been ridiculed on social media for months been able to learn the fundamentals of programming. There were of course some hiccups in the beginning, like the spyware that opened student's webcams at night, but this was a learning experience in itself, toward Rodney senior’s court proceedings cybersecurity in a digital age.

As an aspiring author, there is a quote that I cherish from John Evelyn, that I would like to end with.

He said that ‘Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world’.

I mention it because beyond all of the academic, sporting and artistic achievements made during our time at Granger High...I believe that after all else has been forgotten, it is the people we shared this time with that will fill our true and lasting memories.

(Meet Shana’s eyes)

There is one are some here that I will cherish forever, and I encourage you to look to your left and right, to mark the faces you see. For no matter what distance or time will do to separate you, you will always have these years, this kinship through shared experience. You had each other's backs, you saw each other through the hell challenges of high school, and you laughed through the pain joys of adolescence. Whatever waits for us out there in the wide world, be it homelessness career, isolation family, war love or prison entrepreneurship. Know that you will always have each other, and this time to hold dear.

(Direct to Shana - no one will notice)

You, will always have me.

So fuck you all! Fuck this town! and fuck any memory of this place!

We will always be, the 2025 graduates of Granger High!

(Pause for cheers)

(Nod, smile and make a confident exit)

(Don’t forget to shake headmistress Bradshaw’s hand, so she realises the speech has ended)