Icked Off

BURRRR-TING!

For three long months, every person in the villa shared a combined sensation of excitement and dread whenever that sound echoed out of their mobile phones. This time was different, they knew exactly what it meant for all of them. The end was near.

All the islanders heard exactly where the sound came from and were looking up at the outdoor terrace expecting an announcement. Moesha stared at her mobile, afraid to read aloud the words in front of her. Inhaling more air than she needed, she closed her eyes and nervously screamed the immortal line like an overly tanned town cryer in a seedy Spanish club.

“I’VE GOT A TEXT!!”

Moesha’s partner Carl joined her on the terrace to hear the news as she addressed the other four couples.

“Islanders – the time has come for the ultimate leaving party! In 30 seconds you will all have a choice to make. Either you work with your partner to kill every other person in the villa and leave through the front door to win £250,000 or you go it alone, kill your partner and attempt to take it all. May the best couple or person win. #funsunandblood #livelaughkill #movemadandsurvive”

The second Moesha completed reading the text aloud, silence echoed around the villa, as the limited brain cells of the couples all joined forces to communicate the seriousness of the situation. To her relief Moesha had already discussed this in detail to Carl and knew they were going to stay strong and fight their way out of the villa together. The four couples beneath her began to fight whilst she span round to face her partner. Moesha and Carl shared a defiant smirk to quietly say “We got this!”. Grabbing her softly, Carl massaged his girlfriend’s shoulders moving in to kiss her. Moesha felt so safe and protected knowing the next hour or so would be hard as they tried to stay alive. Ironically that was the last thing she ever thought as Carl gripped her shoulders tightly and pushed her off the terrace, sending Moesha plummeting headfirst into the concrete slabs below. Her body exploded against the jagged hard surface sending cheap jewellery, hair extensions, skull and fleshy red goo everywhere. Feeling her life force ebb away, Moesha thought about all the fashion deals and TV hosting opportunities she was about to lose. Carl didn’t hang around to view his gory handiwork and ran off to hide whilst everyone else tore chunks out of one another.  

Two of those couples in the midst of a throw down jumped back in horror as Moesha’s body turned into a fleshy jelly firework. They paused momentarily and then Bobbi and Tyrese and Jo and Baxter continued to fight next to the swimming pool. Despite this being a fight to the death neither couple chose to mix it up and decided the girls would fight one another and the boys would do the same. Before they were rudely interrupted, Tyrese had Baxter in a headlock attempting to either suffocate or twist his head off. The pause to proceedings had given Baxter the time he needed to get his footing, pick up Tyrese as if they were crossing the threshold and launch both of them into the pool.

Jo and Bobbi were by the fire pit scratching each other with their cheap nails that they’d purposely sharpened. Bobbi swiped at Jo’s forehead slicing deep cuts into her overly tanned head. Jo sunk her multi coloured claws into Bobbi’s toned tummy feeling the blood and flesh plop into her hands.

“You bitch! Took me ages to get those abs,” screamed Bobbi at her former friend - now opponent.

Jo gripped the flesh that had slipped into her hand, ripped it out of Bobbi’s abdomen and handed it to her glamorous ex-chum.

“Here you go then. Shame to waste all that good work.”

Bobbi stared at her bloodied hands filled with her own innards before lunging at Jo, grabbing her braided hair and throwing her into the fire pit. Hot coals seared into Jo’s back sending shockwaves of extreme pain through the rest of her body. She attempted to detach herself from the contents of the fire pit whilst Bobbi staggered towards the pool to aid her man Tyrese.

Unfortunately for Baxter, Tyrese was in the middle of an extreme water fight and to say it was a mismatch is an understatement. Every season of the show had a contestant who was lacking in the muscle department. This year it was Baxter and he was really regretting not hitting the gym to work on his upper body right now. Tyrese was easily the largest contestant this year looking like the offspring of She Hulk and The Rock. Once he got hold of Baxter it was very straightforward to hold him down under the water and move on to dispatching other people. Tyrese realised this battle was nearly over and looked around to see how Jo was doing. He heard her scream before he saw her rolling off the fire pit in intense pain. Tyrese called her name and asked if she was OK, not noticing the hand grab his fingers under the water and wrench them backwards. Baxter wriggled free of the clutches of Tyrese and panic swam to the water’s edge. Coming up for air by the ladder, Baxter span round and saw Tyrese slowly wading towards him with a smirk on his face.

“Mate, you know this is not going to go well for you. Just let me kill you and be done with it.”

Baxter grabbed the ladder behind him and was about to climb out and run when he had an idea. With Tyrese edging nearer like Jaws with horrible tats, Baxter leant back on the ladder and with all his strength wiggled it back and forth to try to loosen it.

Back and forth, back and forth, each time with increased panic as Tyrese grew ever closer. With mere seconds to spare, the left side of the ladder detached from the side of the pool, Baxter yanked it free, swung it round his head and into the side of Tyrese’s. Looking like a human kettle with added blood streaming out of the fresh wound, Tyrese fell back into the pool and sank to the bottom.

Bobbi witnessed this shocking event unfold before her eyes as she tried to hold in the rest of the contents of her open stomach.

“Ty, nooo! You wanker, he didn’t deserve that. I’m going to fuckin’ tear you a new arseho…”

Out of nowhere, Bobbi was unable to finish her sentence due to the searing hot poker being stabbed through the back of her head and currently drifting through her open mouth courtesy of a very burnt and pissed off Jo. Bobbi’s shocked face and her lifeless body crumpled into the pool face first, joining her man at the bottom.

Baxter lay on his back at the side of the pool, metal ladder in his hand trying to catch his breath. Facing Jo who was clearly very badly burnt from the fire pit he wasn’t sure if he had the required energy to fight her at the moment.

“I suppose we need to fight each other now but we’re both hurt and tired. Why don’t we couple up and try and get out of here together? I mean, we did have that kiss the other night.”

Jo was struggling to remain conscious but was seriously considering Baxter’s proposition, right up to the point she was grabbed by the hair and thrown to the floor. Sharon and Steve who had been chilling on the day bed nearby saw the opportunity to pounce and pinned Jo to the astroturf. Sharon grabbed the yellow beanbag, pushed it into Jo’s distressed face and then the pair of them sat on it whilst a set of flailing arms and legs wiggled violently beneath. It didn’t take long for Jo to pass out and soon enough suffocate to death. Steve left Sharon on the bean bag just in case Jo unexpectedly came back to life.

Storming over to Baxter, Steve was a man on a mission. His no nonsense attitude in the villa got him the nickname “The Boschmaster”.

“Stay away from me! I’ll fuck you up, Steve-o,” threatened Baxter, hoping he’d get an extra minute or two to regain a bit more strength. Steve wasn’t having any of it as he walked swiftly over to Baxter who immediately swung the metal ladder in the direction of his latest opponent. Before the blood stained ladder could sink into Steve’s skull, he stopped the make-shift weapon in its tracks, gripped it tightly and slammed it against the side of Baxter’s face. With blood starting to pour from the side of his head, Baxter staggered away from Steve to no avail. Using his large physique compared to his feeble foe, Steve picked Baxter over his head, walked over to the fence at the edge of the villa and threw him over the side of the cliff. Ignoring the screams echoing down the cliff side, Steve walked back to Sharon’s side with no interest in hearing what a body sounds like when it hits a pebbled beach hundreds of feet below.

Sitting calmly on the other side of the villa, Minnie and Todd were sat on stools in the outdoor kitchen listening to the ensuing chaos. They’d agreed the night before to sit away from everyone first thing so they would  hopefully let everyone else do the hard work for them. Minnie turned on the ice crusher and poured in the iced coffee mixture. Within 30 seconds she was pouring the content into the tall chunky glasses, added two metal straws to each and passed one to Todd.

“Enjoy hun”

Todd held up his glass ready to toast his amazing girlfriend.

“To us getting the shit out of here!”

Minnie smiled, picked up her glass and tapped it against Todd’s. Taking one look at his glass, Todd removed the straws and drank a huge mouthful of iced coffee. He needed a caffeine kick to give him the adrenaline boost he needed for whatever came next. As he crunched into the ice Minnie stared intently at Todd’s beautiful face holding her metal straws tightly. The crunches from Todd started strong but as the numbness of his lips, gums and tongue kicked in he stopped enjoying his drink. Looking at his iced coffee he saw the blood dripping out of his mouth and into his glass. Trying desperately to speak, Todd’s eyes met Minnie’s.

“What ‘ave you dumb to me?” Todd mumbled.

Whipping the metal straws out of the glass Minnie sank them deep into the eye sockets of her boyfriend.

“What’s the matter, hun? Not enjoying the crushed glass in your drink?”

Todd grabbed at his eyes, reeling from the multiple betrayals. Minnie coldly kicked the stool Todd was sat on, sending him crashing to the floor. Before he could move she stamped down hard on one of the metal straws still lodged in Todd’s skull and his body came to a permanent halt. Knowing the noise would attract the other couples, Minnie ran away to carry out the second part of her plan.

Back at the fire pit, Sharon carefully lifted the beanbag off Jo’s lifeless body to double-check there wasn’t a second part to this fight. It was crystal clear from Jo’s calm twisted face this was not going to happen. Steve walked over and hugged his soul mate.

“Nice one, luv!”

“Let’s find the other annoyingly fit fuckers and get outta here!”

Walking into the downstairs hallway, Steve led the way, leaving Sharon a few steps behind, just in case, and carefully looked up the stair way. No sign of any couples. He crept up each white marble stair trying his best not to make a sound. That all went out the window when a large white suitcase swung around the corner at the top of the stairs and flew towards Steve’s head. Hitting him hard in the face he fell backwards crashing onto the stairs and slid back down the remaining steps. The suitcase had been filled with something very heavy as he struggled to lift it off his chest. Before he could release his body from the clutches of the case, someone raced out of the downstairs toilet next to him and slammed a bar bell into his skull knocking Steve out instantly.

Sharon came out of her hiding place ready to save her man but could see that it was too late. With tears in her eyes she stared at Steve’s killer in shock.

“Carl?! You traitor! He loved you like a brother!”

Carl, who had been lying in wait ever since giving Moesha the shove, smirked back at Sharon.

“Shaz, we all knew this would happen. Steve was one of the boys but 250k means much more to me.”

“You fackin’ prick! I’m gonna kill…”

Sharon began her rage filled run towards Carl but it had barely begun when a hard sharp sensation hit the back of her head and sent her plummeting to the floor. This was swiftly followed up by multiple blows to her head, back and legs. The last thing she heard were the words of her attacker. 

“Shaz, I told you not to trust anyone. At least you and Steve will be together soon.”

Carl smiled fondly at his secret love as she dropped the bar and ran over to hug her fella.

“Come on Min, let’s get outta here before any other shit happens.”

Minnie nodded back at her secret lover Carl, stepped over Steve and Sharon’s bloodied corpses, opened the front door and they both walked out into the real world hand in hand £250,000 richer. What they didn’t realise is they would be back in the villa much sooner than either of them expected. #canttakeitwithyou #enjoyitwhilstitlasts #alwaysreadthesmallprint #championofchampions