The beginning is the end

Written in response to: Start your story with a character saying “I can see it now.”... view prompt

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Sad Romance

I can see it now. The end was clear to my eyes, but why couldn't I give up? What held me back? I guess it's my heart that hasn't realized the difference between imagination and reality. Or am I just giving excuses? I couldn't feel his warmth anymore. The charcoal black eyes, which contained joy, slowly faded from my memory. My heart was fragile only for him, who made me smile and cry. Loving him hurt me more than being happy. I wanted to be someone special, but I guess it was too much to ask. When I was planning to open his heart, I forgot that the key wasn't with me. Or maybe I hadn't carved the correct key? What was my mistake? Where did it all go wrong? Questioning this only made me feel pathetic. Why was love so hard on me? My friends always said I had lowered my standards. I could see it all but still chose to love him. What did I see in him? I can't remember, or maybe I don't know why. But I decided to keep loving him despite the questions. Why? It is because I already chose him and don't want him to be another regret. Would I have stopped if I knew he was soon going to be a regret? It was just one-sided love for two months. I continued it knowing the beginning is the end. So am I the one at fault for my agony?

At first, I thought he respected my feelings. But as time passed, I could see that he was playing with me. Why did I not sense this soon? What took me so long? Was I that blinded by love? I am pitying myself right now. I have indeed fallen into a deep hole with no ladder. I knew what was about to happen. I knew it all along but still chose to walk this path that was about to make me miserable. Would things have changed if I had known the pain had no cure? He was acting innocent to me when he already knew I had feelings for him. Is it a good thing? He opened up to me a few times, and I tried my best to help him. But what did I get in return? Happiness? Temporary happiness that was going to fade away the next day? At least if it had lived for a few days without fading, I would have added this as an excuse in my reasons to like him list. The funny thing is the reasons to hate him were more than the reasons to like him. 

Many girls had feelings for him, but it didn't bother me at all, cause I didn't want to waste my time. My time was precious only before I knew him. Aren't I stupid? When I knew he wasn't my Mr. Right, why did I continue to like him? When he had broken my heart many times, why did I still choose him? How did he compromise me? By doing nothing? Yeah, he never did anything. He was hurting me by just existing. If I question his existence, wouldn't that be ridiculous of me? 

The biggest mistake I ever did was not listening to my brain. My stimulus already sent the impulse to my brain that he was something that was going to bring me pain. But why wasn't the response interpreted? Were my emotions that strong to blur the impulse? The first question that came to mind when I saw him was, 'Why does his presence bother me soo much?'. He didn't do anything particular. But why did he bother me? We were in the same school for over 2 years, but I felt like it was the first time meeting him. He wasn't that attractive, but I could feel his heart from afar. It was only my first time, but I could already see that he was lonely deep inside. What made me think like that? He was fine walking with his friends and laughing, but his eyes didn't really smile. The end of his cheeks seemed like they were forcing a smile. I guess he wasn't in the mood to have fun. So to find out whether I really found his heart, I thought of many ways to talk with him. What's the use of being good at studies when I am a fool for love? A perfect reason, a scripted dialogue, and my flawless imagination. My hopes were high for sure. The talk went well, but all he did was nod and say ok. The next step I took was indeed absurd. I asked for his book, while he asked me to wait. I waited quite a long time and returned to my class with a broken heart. As I said, I was fragile only for him. 

The first conversation already felt like the end. Maybe it was another bad day for him. I made an excuse. Little had I known, soon the excuses were about to be in heaps. But nothing stopped me from liking him cause I had hopes that kept me breathing. Inhaling put a lot of thoughts and exhaling ended up as regrets. But sometimes exhaling was the better choice because holding the breath for long was only going to bring me more pain. Regrets are painful but to take them positively, think that at least you had let it out, at least you had done it, and it's way better than holding it in and suffering. I had always held everything within myself, which had only added me pain. But the second conversation was where my hopes got alive. He responded to me just like I had imagined, or way better than that. I was surprised, but I knew it all depended on his mood. That's when I could see some progress in my effort. The happiness this time existed for quite long. At least this time, the happiness didn't fade soon. But as we kept on chatting day by day, I only felt it more meaningless. He was a dry texter indeed. Doesn't he know I am making a move on him? Is he that clueless? Maybe because he was clueless, I could be dumb with him. Now I think I know why I relied on him. It was because he only listened. Sometimes listening is the medicine for pain. I only leaned on him once, and he comforted me only as a friend. He never considered me a person to like. 

I also wrote letters and gifted him many things. I thought the letter would move his heart, but it didn't seem to. I spent nights thinking of what to write, but all he said was the letter was lengthy. Did he not see my effort or was he finding reasons to hurt me for me to move on? Things started getting worse when he began to lie to me or more like confuse me. The day I confessed, all he did was say sorry. He already had a girl in his heart, but it was just recent, so I thought I stood a chance. He then asked me how to approach girls, which he shouldn't have. He really knows how to break a girl's heart than approach her in a good way, which is also why the girl found him annoying. The colours started to become bright of the ending that was drawn for me. But why hadn't I still not given up? I promised myself that I would move on if he rejected me. But look where I am standing. I am standing on a road with no signs or cars. Not knowing which way to walk, I looked at the vast sky which reminded me of him. He was just like the sky, filled with clouds that blur the real him inside. He held the clouds for soo long that they became heavier and heavier. Only if he had let it rain, I could have met the real him. Crying sometimes is better than saving up for later. He didn't understand me neither did I. He wasn't my type at all. I still find it funny that I fell for a guy like him. Saying funny is just to hide my true emotions. In fact, I feel foolish for choosing him. But it is not like I could reverse time. Lies were what I couldn't accept. Even if the truth was hurtful, I preferred knowing the truth than to listen his lies. Is he afraid that I would ruin his image? Well, he should have stopped me in the first place, if he was that concerned. The ending was never to be a happy one, even when I predicted it at the beginning. It just didn't make sense I would be in a relationship with him. Well, I tried to keep up to my promise, but sometimes my emotions would rush in and make me fall for him again for no reason. How do I stop this? When I couldn't decide, I just forced myself to admit it. To admit that I don't like him anymore. It became worse at one point. Worse enough that I couldn't face him at all. So I stayed silent for a while and he didn't even bother to ask why. For a week, I decided to focus on things that would make me happy. I did break down in between, but my goal became clear. I chose to lose feelings for him slowly and eventually run out, so it would be easy to move on. It did work for a while until a third person entered in between us. It just showed me a clear image of his attitude. He was irresponsible. Thus, I didn't want to hold it out long. I didn't want to see myself in pain later when the issue becomes big. It just took me a day to settle things with him and clear all the misunderstandings. To fasten things, I let him know that I wanted a proper explanation as I wanted to move on. It is childish, but it worked as he gave me an explanation. It was half reasonable but not at the same time. I cut it short as much as possible and ended with just a word, 'ok'.

On that day, I chose to move on from him. Choosing doesn't mean I have accomplished, but I promise to. Love can bring happiness but also pain of the same amount. The more happy you are, the more pain you will have to face as nothing comes free in life. My regret is not to decide soon, but at the same time, if I had decided then I wouldn't have tasted the joy of love. The rose that should have bloomed chose to wither for the better choice. As if it continues to live in between light and rain without balance, it would only destroy itself despite the happiness. 

June 29, 2022 14:28

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