You’re listening to Mama Ganda Family Radio: do what I say and you’ll live to cry another day. On today’s show, we’ll be discussing all of the hot topics of family life, including (but not limited to) who to ignore next, which members of the family are no longer considered “one of us”, and who to generally bitch about.
But before we get started, listeners, a special message from Mama Ganda herself. It is being requested that either Joseph or Sebastian should pick their mother up from the airport this coming Thursday morning at 1am. She’s just arriving back from Algeria after visiting her new fiance, whom she met on holiday. Mama Ganda would like to remind us all that we should not inform Papa Ganda about this, who remains sickly and may not survive a shock such as this.
So, to repeat. Could Joseph or Sebastian please contact Mama Ganda about the airport early morning pickup. The first of you to do so will be praised. The other… well let’s just say not so much.
We begin today’s programme with an obituary. Auntie Janine sadly passed away, and if you haven’t heard this news already it is because you are on the family’s “naughty list”. You know, the list you make when you are disrespectful toward honoured family members such as Mama Ganda, or… the likes of which. Auntie Janine will be remembered for sending the kids a card and a five pound note every Christmas, always prompting the question from those in receipt of the gift: “Who’s Auntie Janine?”.
Auntie Janine always expressed interest in visiting the kids. Having them come to see her would have been a better option in her final days as the cancer spread from cell to cell, but Mama Ganda, being the wise head of the family, always thought it better not to organise this. That way, she could complain about how the kids never visit their poor, failing Auntie, and she could spend a wholesome few hours complaining about this, not to the kids, but to whoever else would listen. Auntie Janine was, of course, the Auntie of Mama Ganda, and the sister of Granny Ganda. You see, Granny Ganda is becoming ever more senile as the days go on, making for good entertainment for Mama Ganda, who remains her masterful puppeteer via acts such as letting dear mother think that the grandkids are a bunch of miserable traitors.
Funeral arrangements are as follows: almost anyone who has not disrespected Mama Ganda can attend. If you have been a good and faithful servant to Mama Ganda, you may attend regardless of how much you knew, or didn’t know the deceased. Anyone attending who has acted in a disrespectful way towards Mama Ganda will be scowled at, ignored, and not invited to the after-funeral party at which copious amounts of sausage rolls and alcohol shall be served.
Yes, listeners, there has been a sudden change of attitude from Mama Ganda regarding the consumption of alcohol after a funeral. The old position of remaining Roman Catholic (and remember, you are Roman Catholic whether you want to be or not), is no longer relevant now that Mama Ganda fancies getting drunk.
Listeners, there has been an update on the airport situation. Both Joseph and Sebastian have expressed concerns about picking Mama Ganda up from the airport at 1am, on the count that they both have a full day’s work the next day. Mama Ganda Family Radio would like to remind both Joseph and Sebastian that Mama Ganda will be very upset should anyone within the family let her down. She hasn’t spent years avoiding work and cheating the benefit system to raise a pair of disrespectful boys who will let their mother down. The mother of a family should be the absolute most respected person of all, and all those who praise her shall be rewarded.
And those who disrespect her shall be met with fire and fury.
So if Joseph or Sebastian could re-think their position and get back to Mama Ganda today, that would be very much appreciated.
Our next news story this evening concerns Elizabeth’s new partner, Isaac. Listeners, Mama Ganda would like you to remain cautious of Isaac, who seems to think he can strut his way into this family without so much as declaring his faith. Not his Catholic faith, that’s obvious – everyone within a thousand miles of House Ganda is Catholic, that’s a given. No, listeners, Mama Ganda questions Isaac’s faith to a higher power than even that: we wonder about his commitment to Mama Ganda.
Will Isaac follow Mama Ganda’s instructions without question? Will he accept Mama Ganda as not just the head of House Ganda, but also his own house? These things must be known before any potential partner of the spawn of Mama Ganda is to be accepted by any member of this family, and that means you, faithful listener.
Mama Ganda would like to gently remind Elizabeth that she should not, under any circumstances introduce Isaac to any member of the family (even those excommunicated ones) under pain of… Well, that would be most unpleasant to speak of on Family Radio.
And Mama Ganda would like to remind all other listeners that they should not, under any circumstances, approve or disapprove of Isaac before Mama Ganda has given her opinion. This is also as good an opportunity as any to remind all listeners that the opinion of Mama Ganda is the opinion of the family. Should anyone disagree, they must seek an audience with Mama Ganda. You are free to express your own point of view, even if it disagrees with that of Mama Ganda. Just remember that you will have only one chance to change your mind before Mama Ganda will execute Plan X, which involves a swift exit for House Ganda.
Listeners, we’ve had a major update to the airport situation. Sebastian has refused to pick Mama Ganda up, and thus has been blacklisted. Joseph, probably spurted on by fear, has agreed to do the airport run, despite his long day of work the following day. Listeners, Joseph is a hero, and Sebastian is now to be ignored. Please do not invite him to any upcoming funerals.
In another update, a name has been removed from the blacklist, and that name is Helena. Yes, that’s right, the ex-wife of Sebastian. Mama Ganda would like all family members to forget about how Helena ended her and Sebastian’s relationship by cheating on him with a married man. She would like you all to forget that she ran away with Sebastian’s child and wouldn’t let him see his own daughter for several weeks. Mama Ganda has awarded Helena an official pardon for lying about Sebastian to the police about domestic abuse and having him arrested.
Listeners, Mama Ganda formally endorses Helena, and welcomes her back to the family she was once a proud member of. She is cordially invited to the funeral of Papa Ganda, and may even have a few ideas about how to make that happen sooner.
We’ll be right back after this quick message from our sponsor:
Do you think your whispers will save you? Do you think you will not be heard? Nothing goes through this family without the consent of Mama Ganda. Mama Ganda hears all. Mama Ganda knows all. Mama Ganda is all.
Our final news item concerns the failing life of Papa Ganda, who has been gravely sick for many years. Mama Ganda would like to remind the family that she is in control of this situation, that although Papa Ganda has been a good laugh for a few years, he’s now not much use to anybody. If you are as sick of the sight of Papa Ganda as Mama Ganda is, you’ll be thrilled to learn that she has a plan.
Mama Ganda will soon wed her Algerian fiancé, which will give him a VIP invite to House Ganda. To avoid any awkwardness or embarrassment, it would be better is Papa Ganda didn’t live in the family home when Mama Ganda’s new husband arrives. Now, I’m not saying that we need to find some permanent solution to the Papa Ganda problem, but what I will say is Mama Ganda can find a way to move Papa Ganda into a home for people who… let’s just say are unlikely to ever move away from.
Now, some of our listeners may find this a little harsh at first, but Mama Ganda would like to remind all of you that agreement with her wicked schemes is compulsory. It would be beneficial to all listeners to remember that Mama Ganda can reward good behaviour, but can also punish bad behaviour. She can gift you goodness, and she can take things away. Precious things, wholesome things, essential things.
Papa Ganda has had his fun. Soon, the black death will come for him, and tear him from this world like a cancerous tumour is ripped from the body. It won’t be so bad, he’ll be gone in the blink of an eye, and then we can have another riotous funeral. We’ll send him off to heaven with a round of drinks and arguments.
It’s time Papa Ganda moved on. One way or another.
Listeners, it’s getting late. Mama Ganda Family Radio would like to remind you all that you are loved. You are loved in the way that a spider loves a fly trapped in its web, gasping for breath as the eight-legged creature slowly moves towards it, it’s hungry fangs quivering with anticipation. You are loved in the same way as a nuclear bomb loves people. Longs to envelope itself in the warmest of embraces and hug them to death. You are loved in the same way as the creature that hides in your wardrobe loves to quietly climb into your bed beside you at night as you sleep.
Mama Ganda loves you. Always.