As We Waltz in a Hall of Stars

It’s been a few hours since I was practically stuffed into this pod. Yes, I volunteered for this project, but last minute jitters are something that I often experience when it comes to enclosed spaces. I wasn’t given any sedatives so the only form of comfort I was given was the rocking sensation I sense from within the pod. Like I was in a womb. One that was constructed from metal and other synthetic materials to keep me from being scorched alive when I get propelled from the Earth’s atmosphere into the heavens. Also, what’s keeping me sane was the pocket watch I managed to sneak onboard. It’s an old-fashioned one that I had to wind manually and the ticking sound can get so loud when all is quiet.

It would get really loud right now. But I hadn’t wound it for over a year. It’s so impractical to have a watch that needs so much maintenance when I can get an automatic one that shows me the time for different zones and more. The only reason I’m keeping it is because it was a present from my former fiancee. I think he gave it to me as a joke because he knew what kind of person I am. I need to keep things manageable and prompt. After all, an astronaut needs to keep a lot of things in check and if I can remove one variable in order to streamline my work, I would.

Ironically, though, it was this one impractical thing that brought me ease. I wound the watch slowly, being careful not to damage it as the suit I am wearing comes with a set of thick gloves. I couldn’t feel the watch in my hand, just the subtle pressure that indicated where my forefinger and thumb were.

I gave it a couple of twists and let it rest in my hand as I listened to its heartbeat-like ticking, bringing it back to life. My shoulders relaxed at the knowledge that it was still working despite being ignored completely for a year. I hope that nothing was damaged. 

I did scan it when I first retrieved it from my box of old things. But I did it so quickly that I might have missed a thing or two. Perhaps a scratch on the glass. Or a hand that’s not working as well as it should. In any case, it’s too dark to tell right now. So I decided to close my eyes and focus only on the sounds that it made as each second passed me by. It didn’t bother me as much as I thought. In fact, the ticking came as a relief. Because despite the nothingness inside of this pod, I now know that time is moving forward and although I may be uncomfortable now, I’ll get out of this darkness soon. Eventually and surely.

As I closed my eyes, my mind wandered back to the man who had given me this watch. A hopeless romantic that guy. We were the epitome of the expression “opposites attract”. This particular memory took place a couple of weeks before our wedding. Or rather the one we planned but didn’t happen.

“Have you ever looked at the rising sun and think, it’s not the Sun that’s moving but it’s the result of the Earth revolving around the Sun?” This was one of his ways of breaking the ice.

“Could we not start a philosophical discussion right now?” I let out a tired chuckle as I was laying on the couch we had in our scant living room. The exhaustion was due to an hour-long practice session. Waltz. As we agreed to have at our wedding. It was his parents’ idea and my parents agreed that it was a “lovely” notion. I went along with it, unaware of the repercussions that I would have to face later. Learning the steps was one thing. But to go around in circles while maintaining said steps was another. I was tempted to just remain stationary in one spot but that wouldn’t be called a ‘waltz’ now, would it?

And here I thought that someone who studies planets revolving on orbits would know how to spin around a room without tripping on my own foot.

He took a sip of water from a glass and joined me on the couch, propping my feet onto his lap so he could sit down. “It’s not a philosophical discussion. That’s how it actually is, right? I mean, you ought to know that better than anyone.”

“But people have been calling it ‘sunrise’ and ‘sunset‘ for ages. It’d be hard to change something that’s already embedded deep in the collective consciousness.”

“It’d be a literal paradigm shift!”

“Exactly.” Something as big as that would be a bother to administer to the public. Not to mention the duration required to conduct such plans. Perhaps years from now, it’d be common sense to see the ‘sunrise’ and ‘sunset’ as a result of the revolving planet. Not our host star.

“What do you supposed people would call it if we all think about it that way now?” he asked. I shrugged as I was comfortably sunken on the couch. He pondered for a moment. A wrinkle forming between his brows. His lips pursed. His eyes staring into space. These were what caught my attention when we first met. Well, initially I thought it was a bothersome characteristic, to constantly be in deep thought regarding nearly everything. But the longer I spent time with him, the more I could make sense of his contemplative nature. And when we were apart, I would miss his reflections. Then I would wonder what he would say when I see something. Like now when I’m shrouded in darkness, awaiting for a sign to open my eyes. And though I dismissed him a lot back then, his words have always been echoing in my mind. I might have taken him for granted at times, but I hope that he knew how I truly felt for him.

A few hours later, I was awakened by a light from the overhead windows. The watch was still ticking away in my hand and I realised that I wasn’t properly seated anymore. I took off the safety harness and let my body drift upwards, towards the light that had awakened me.

And there it was in all of her glory. My home. Where I was meant to live until the day I was given a choice, albeit one that I couldn’t make. That my name was shortlisted for this program but then a notification arrived from two police officers who came by our house to tell me that my fiancee won’t be coming home anymore.

So I left, even though my family told me that I could just stay there with them. I couldn’t. There’s no such alternative. I mean, how could I stay home when he isn’t there anymore?

I reached out planetward, stretching my hand to wave a final goodbye while looking directly at the wide blue ocean that was now my sky. On the far edge, I could make out the void where this vast beauty was suspended in. I’ve seen a thousand photos of our home from space, but right now it finally registered how dynamic everything is. Even with this substantial gap between us. 

As the pod moved further away from the blue orb and towards the space station, I had relayed a concise report of my situation as I was instructed. My colleagues received my update and informed me that I would reach my destination in a couple of hours.

“In the meantime, enjoy the view!” someone had said before ending the transmission.

So I did. I managed to get a glimpse of the sun and once again I recalled what he said. If it’s not a ‘sunset’ or ‘sunrise’, what would we call it?

To be honest, I still don’t know how to answer his question. But it’s one of the things that makes life more interesting, right? That was how he saw it. There are no immediate answers to these questions and that’s fine. Like learning how to turn as we keep our steps in a waltz. Like our planet revolving in its orbit continuously, turning day to night and from night to day. 

It’s a constant dance in this hall of stars.