Mystery Suspense

My life is precious, everything about me is precious. My world, my job, my little computer. I enjoy them and I would rather nothing change. This is my time of peace, my joy, I love everything. The only problem is-

There it is? Did you hear it? Did you hear that little tick that threatens my life. I turn and there it is, I take a step forward but it is right ahead. I smile and it smiles right back, I sleep and it wakes me up. I need to get away, I need to run, I can’t let it catch me- I can’t. All my life it watches me, even on my greatest days I see it watching me like a thief. Even when I stop it moves on without me, leaving me behind.

I fasten my steps, but you're right ahead, so I turn around and your right there. What do you want from me? I haven’t done anything wrong, I just want to live my precious life, please stop chasing me! Please.

I turn down Monroe street and I bump into someone.

β€œAre you okay Miss? You look frightened.”

β€œMiss? My name is Aurora!” I yell, much to his surprise. β€œSorry, there is someone chasing me-”

His eyes look past me into the darkness, then he meets my eyes.

β€œSomeone?”

β€œYes yes, someone …someone- no something” I respond grabbing his shoulder.

β€œI don’t really see anything.” he says. Of course he doesn’t, every time I try to tell someone about this, they have this look in their eye, they think I’m crazy.

β€œMa’am-”

β€œAurora!” I interrupt.

β€œAurora, maybe I could walk you home if that will make you feel safer.” he says with worry in his eyes.

β€œNo! I have already put you in enough risk, just get out of here! Run as fast as you can, don’t let it catch you, okay?!” I look around and rush away, I hear it, why won’t it stop.

I was twelve when it started, it was my birthday and I remember me being all smiley. I finally was growing older, I could finally go on the rides I wanted too, I could finally be taken seriously. I was growing older. But that was when it hit me; I was growing older. I finally sat up in my princess dress that was way to small for me now, I picked up my tiara and suddenly something caught my eye. Something irritated my ears, something sour on my tongue, goosebumps rippled over my skin. I could feel it on my body, it was disgusting.

I ran to find my parents and before I knew it I was 24, and they laid on their bed, tired. It still chased me, chased me everywhere, I couldn’t even breathe because I knew that was a count down. The count down to my death. I ran looking for my parents and before I knew it I was 36 and they were dead. They weren’t fast enough.

You took them, it took them. And it was going to take me too if I didn’t run. That man better be running too if he knows what’s best for him.

Did you know I was the fastest runner in 5th grade? I could run for miles without taking a break. At least that’s what my mother told me. But now look at me, gasping for air, back in pain, and sweat rolling down my forehead. Its already catching me. When did it drug me? I can’t even remember anymore. All I know is that I have to run, to keep running, I will not let it catch my precious life. I can’t even live my life but once I outrun this thing, I will live without concern. Give me ti-

No! I’m late for work! I run to the bathroom, my eyebags have become more visible. My eyes look dead and tired its a shell compared to my curious eyes in the past. Look at what I’m becoming, don’t worry I just need to outrun it. Then I can live in peace.

My roommate is sitting in the corner eating her cereal, everyday she looks more creeped out by me. She barely comes home and claims to be working 3 shifts a day. I know she wants to get out of this apartment as soon as possible, because of me? Its not my fault, its its fault. They don’t understand, I’m running for my life.

β€œUm you should probably eat, you don’t look so good.” she says slowly putting her full bowl of cereal back on the table.

β€œNo, ti-ti-ti-” I stammer.

β€œOkay! Okay! Just go” she says with fear in her eyes.

β€œOkay.” I forgot what the quote said but I remember the ending β€œ – waits for no one”

I work every day, I love my job, mostly cause everyone leaves everyone alone. No one calls me weird and I’m good at what I do. But my job is- its filled with them. They are everywhere. Every room. Every corner. I can’t take it. I can’t.

I close my ears and my eyes in fear. The rooms fill with β€˜Are you okay’. β€œNo…I’m not just get them out of here and I’ll be fine.”

β€œGet what? What Aurora?”

β€œThe- the things- they are everywhere please! Please get them out!” I point to the walls.

β€œTim-?”

And just like that, I pass out, and when I wake up,

I’m 48.

Not enough-, not enough-, not enough-. I’m running out of-

I gasp in pain as I feel my head pound. The doctors are surrounding me and I look up at them. What is that on there wrist?

β€œYou are sick.”

I am not.

β€œStay here.”

No. I need to run! I need to run! You need to run! We all need to run!

β€œWe can help you get better.”

No you can’t, they are here tooo!!!

I scream in what seems like forever and just like that…

I am 60.

…They haven’t let me leave. I always wondered how I got here all those years ago but now I realize it was my roommate. She wanted the apartment to herself and she was gonna get it sooner or later. It was only a matter of –

I cough. And blood releases from my lips. My body aches with pain, its unbearable. As – passes, it is catching me, tormenting me for all the times I ran away. I can no longer run with these shackles on my ankles. Or maybe I can? No. No I cannot.

The only thing left is… surrender. I must end this cycle once and for all. So I call out its name…

β€œ Ti–” I cough. β€œPlease… please…”

A silver shiny metal appears in the air and I watch as the three hands move. Each hand moving at their own pace, one with immense speed, another calm, and a turtle. I reach out my hand,

β€œTi- ti- Time. Please…” surrender. β€œStop.”

Each hand stops with my word. They stop at the same spot- the same place where I began, where this chase began. 12.

My heart starts to beat slower, and for the first time in my life I feel free. My hand is filled with wrinkles, my body with running scars. My precious life. I never got to live, but to live means to be free. Why is it now that I understand the meaning, my whole life has gone to waste, the thing I wanted to protect is what I used as a shield. My precious life is destroyed, but at least I do not have to run anymore. At least I am free.

My hand touches the silver shiny metal which has completely stopped.

β€œIf…I had known…it would be that easy…I would have said those words earlier. You caught me…it was only a matter of ti- ti- time.” I drop my hand and my heart disappears, with the pain and suffering. I can finally stop running, if only I had gotten to live after, I could have been happy on my death bed. But I guess it is true what they say-


Time waits for no one.


T I M E πŸ•›

Posted Nov 30, 2020
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71 likes 303 comments

20th story!!!
...-->
It feels like I haven't wrote in awhile.

Hopefully that wasn't too confusing! I enjoy writing Mystery, its so fun.

Comments and Critiques and Likes are always welcome. So thank you!

And yeahhhh!

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Linh J
23:11 Dec 19, 2020

Your style of mystery rocks! 🀘This is my type of story!

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Thankk youuπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜Œ

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Anna Mosqueda
13:44 Dec 02, 2020

Wonderful! The way you paced this was awesome! You kept the suspense up and my heart beating FAST.
It's pretty cool that you were able to turn a fear into a whole story:)
PS. Sorry I haven't been to active on Reedsy!!! Covid finally reached my family, so it's been a hard couple of weeks but I'm working on a story right now that will be out soon:)
Congrats on your 20th story:)
Anna

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Thank youu Anna!
And ohhh no! Are yall doing okay?? Did you catch it personally?

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Anna Mosqueda
18:02 Dec 02, 2020

No problem:)
We're doing okay! I did not get it, but a few of my relatives have it. My uncle is in the hospital with Covid and pneumonia so we're praying that he'll be okay. My other uncle has it as well, and I'm pretty sure my cousin got it but they're doing good! We thought my mom had it on Sunday, but she just had a really bad migraine that was making her sick.
Hopefully everyone gets better in time for Christmas:)
Thanks for asking though!
How was your Thanksgiving?

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Oh okay! Thats good, and Pneumonia and covid are a very dangerous mixture, I'll pray for yall too! Thats good, I hope everyone gets better over there!

And Thanksgiving was very interesting and different from how it usually was, we didn't spend it with our cousins but we really wanted too, but because of Covid, and there was gonna be burial in our family the next day, my father said we should stay home. Anyways the food was good, everything was overall great!

How about you?

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Anna Mosqueda
12:45 Dec 03, 2020

Awesome thank you so much!!

That's good! We didn't get to spend it with our cousins either so I definitely know how you feel. And it's always awesome when the food is good:)

Mine was good too! It was our second Thanksgiving that we have spent in our state, we usually go to Ohio, where my moms family lives. My cousins got Covid though, so we just decided to stay home. It was still fun, my one girl cousin got to come spend a couple days along with my Nana and Papaw, and a couple of my church friends had a party which was fun. So I guess I had a good break, it definitely wasn't a normal Thanksgiving;)

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Ohhh cool! That sounds really fun! Its nice to be close to so many people
Yeahh I was just happy that school ended for like 3 days, like I needed that break, honestly! Then my siblings went shopping leaving me at home with 2 of my siblings but let me tell you *peace**silence*- like thats rare!

But thats nice! How are you these days, like except for your family getting covid

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Rayhan Hidayat
06:22 Dec 02, 2020

Love the themes here. I think anyone could resonate with this story. My english teacher once told me "time waits for no one" when I submitted my work late lol

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Thank you Rayhan!!
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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WOW!! Thank you so much for calling me to read this awesome story! I feel like my life back together now! Anyways... you're right, you should really think about writing more mystery stories because this story was just absolutely amazing! I loved it so much!! :)

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Thank you so much Hari! (can I call you Hari??)
You think so? Maybe I shoulllddd.
Thank you for reading!

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You're welcome!! (Also, you can call me by my name, or what you just called me. Either is fine! )

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Okay! I'll probably be calling you both😊!

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Hello there!! I read in your bio you're binge-reading, so I have a very good book to recommend to you. (Well, it's not really like a book, but kind of a poetry-in-verse novel) It's called "Unbound" by Ann E. Burg. I just finished it 2 days ago and loved it. I really do highly suggest you to read this book whenever you get a chance Ugochi!!

P.S. What's up with not posting? Any difficulties?

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Hey Hari!! Thank you soo much for recommending it. I just searched it up and it sounds amazing! Also poetry- I would like to get better at it so I'm happy its poetry! I will definitely be reading it!

Oh you noticedπŸ₯Ί. Actually it makes me very happy that you noticed. I just haven't really been feeling the prompts or well, I don't have any ideas. But yeah thats my difficulty. Thanks for asking!

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Aww, no problem! I am so glad you are interested in the book!

Oh, it's all right! Please do write only when you want and when you have time. I'm not forcing you at all. :)

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😊
Aw thank you! I will always keep that in mind!
I hope everything is well with you, actually how are things with you?

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Your welcome!! Also, thanks!
I am doing very good actually, thanks for asking! I am getting those New Year jitters!! How about you?

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Sammee! But then again I'm going to be cooking on that day so ugh... but yay new year! Thanks for asking!
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!

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Hey Hari!! So just wanted to let you know I posted a story! Whenever you have the time could you check it out?

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ALINA Manha
00:23 Jan 03, 2021

Hi Ugochi πŸ‘‹
How are you ?
You haven't posted in a while. Is everything all right?

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Hey Alina!
I'm doing good! A little disappointed that school is gonna start back up soonπŸ₯Ί.
Aha, well for one I didn't like the prompts and I actually didn't feel like doing anything for the past few weeks. BUT just like 2 hours ago, I got a reallyy good idea! And you may be seeing a story from me soon! So, everything is fine! Thank you for asking!
I see you posted a story! I'll go read it soon!

How are you?

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ALINA Manha
14:18 Jan 03, 2021

Hello! πŸ‘‹πŸ‘‹
I know right? Mine are going to start from Jan 19th.
I didn't like the prompts of 3 weeks continuously . I like this week's prompts so maybe I will write a story or two.
Yay! Can't wait to read it .
Aww, NP ! After all you are my friend . I had to ask you if you were ok .
Yes, I did post a story 2weeks ago.
Thanks!

I am fine alhamdulilah ! 😁
Just having a lot of headaches that's all .πŸ™„

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January 19???? WOW! Yall are sooo lucky mine starts on this week tuesday. January 5th.
SAME! I just hated it, and like they posted the prompts early so it was longer.
Aw thank youu!

No..πŸ₯Ί. Does this happen often?

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ALINA Manha
05:42 Jan 04, 2021

Yup ! Jan 19, 5 days after my B day 🀭
Yup kinda lucky I guess .πŸ˜…
You're welcome! πŸ˜‡
Yes ,It happens most of the time . I have a lot of things to do in a day so at the end of the day I am left with a severe headache. It's really irritating especially when you have two noisy sisters. 😡

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Ohh soo January 14 is your birthday(right)! *Memorizes it so I can tell you happy birthday*
Aw thats seems really really bad! Is there medicine you can take for it. Is it maybe migraines or just headaches?

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Amany Sayed
01:43 Dec 28, 2020

I have a new storyyyy (it's romance lol)! You're binge reading so yeah.
Also if this goes for book recommendations too here:
Conjured by Sarah Beth Durst (PLEASE GO READ IT PLEEEASE)
Ice by Sarah Beth Durst
How to rock braces and glasses
How to rock breakups and makeups

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Oh yay! I'll go check it out!
I have never heard of her before but I am convinced we have the same taste in books so I'll check it out too!
Ouu, aren't those netflix shows or something they sound familiar

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Amany Sayed
13:28 Dec 28, 2020

Yay!
I think they are, but the books came first and they're really good.

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Mind meee, recommending you some books?

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Amany Sayed
14:42 Dec 29, 2020

not at all, recommend away!

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The day has finally come *wipes a tear*
Um so the thing about me, is that I read random people and rarely ever read the same author twice. Cause I am just like that.. but here are some of my favoritesss!

Soulprint by Megan Miranda! ~ Honestly just beautiful!
To be Honest by Maggie Ann Martin ~ Ugh just amazing!
Come November by Katrin Van Dam ~ Does NOT disappoint!

These are just a few. Butttt (ps. they all have a little bit of romance in there)- hope ya like!

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OMG!!!! Amazing story! I couldn't stop reading it. Just a master piece you created. Incredible way to use time!
Keep writing:)

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Thank you so much Varsha!!!! I will!

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:D Thanks for creating this story! And np, you deserve it!

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Laiba M
13:08 Dec 23, 2020

Hi!~
How are you?

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Hey Laiba! I'm doing good! Just relaxing on my break
How about you?

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Laiba M
19:30 Dec 23, 2020

I'm good! A bit disappointed, as I thought my downvoting was finally over, but the downvoter decided to wait for a while and then downvote by over two thousand points, haha. That's good! When did your winter break start?

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AwπŸ₯Ί. I'll try to upvote you later. But why are they attacking you so much? I mean we were basically in the same spot before they put you 2000 points below...but like they didn't attack me too much. It was kinda like 15 points down for me. I don't get why they are doing that to you and not me. Did you make them mad or something? I feel really bad!

Winter break started this week! So friday last week was the last day for us. You?

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Laiba M
01:05 Dec 24, 2020

Oh, no! You don't have to, that's fine. I'm not sure... I remember they were downvoting one of my friends and I upvoted her, so maybe that was the reason. But I don't know what else I could've done to make them mad. I agree! It doesn't really make sense.
That's great! When does it end? For me, it starts tomorrow T-T

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Too late! I already did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I see... well its fine!! Reedsy isn't all about points, in fact I don't understand why they are there in the first place...since it will eventually become a competition. AND the whole thing about being 18 to win or join is just ridiculous! But hey...life goes on.

OmG so you have been on break for how long? Wait do you mean school starts back up for you tomorrow? or break starts tomorrow. If its the first one then... Wow..my heart goes out to you..that is truly sad! Life is just not fairπŸ˜₯.

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I am still in shock. WOW. You are so talented, I just can't think of a powerful enough word to describe this story. Best story I ever read on here, no joke. I can't tell if it's metaphorical or in real life, but the fact that you leave so much to the unknown adds to the suspense. It leaves room for theories and crying and a bunch of other stuff that happens when you finish a really good book. Maybe consider turning this into a novel/novella??? I would read it a million times!

A title suggestion: The Circle of Life

But '12' is very suspenseful so I think it would sound great either way.

Again, amazing story, you were really creative with the prompt you chose!!

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Omg thank you so much Suhani!! That means so much to me!!! And thank you for reading it!
Hmm, I actually never thought of making a novel out of this. I shall consider it!! Thanks for the suggestion!

Thank you for the titles too! But I think I will stick with '12' just cause I feel like it matches with the story more! But thank ya!

Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu Suhani!

Ps. Have you wrote any books? Or novels? Or Novella?

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You're very very welcome! Yes, I agree, 12 does fit very well! You're good at coming up with titles!
No, I haven't written any books novels, or novellas, but I do have a novella in progress. I'm not very good at long commitments for writing, so a whole novel is hard for me.

If you want, you can read my story Sea of Roses. That's the story I'm going to turn into a novella.

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Thank you!!
And samee! Well I was writing a novel or book or whatever. The plot is amazing! But like punctuation and chapters and things like that weren't present in it. And I think I got discouraged. But I will definitely start writing up again!

I am also starting to write a novel too! And the preview is here "Just a Dream" and "The Beauty of this Mess"

And sureee I will go check it out!

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02:47 Dec 16, 2020

Sup, random hooman of whom I haven’t chatted with in a bit! (Wow, my grammar just died in that sentence.) What’s up, Storm? (Right, you’re Storm??? I get all the nicknames messed up, lol.) Read any good books lately?

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Amany Sayed
03:50 Dec 16, 2020

She's Snow gosh Aerin.

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13:47 Dec 16, 2020

Ack sorry lol. There’s Sunny, Sky, Storm, Snow, and I’m pretty sure MORE...I legit can’t keep track of all the s-weathers there are. Lol

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13:47 Dec 16, 2020

Ack sorry lol. There’s Sunny, Sky, Storm, Snow, and I’m pretty sure MORE...I legit can’t keep track of all the s-weathers there are. Lol

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13:47 Dec 16, 2020

Ack sorry lol. There’s Sunny, Sky, Storm, Snow, and I’m pretty sure MORE...I legit can’t keep track of all the s-weathers there are. Lol

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LolπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚yeah I'm Snow! Hey Aerin! It has been awhile!
I am embarrassed to say that- I have read no books since quarantine started. Aha..Aha...ahahaha. Libraries are closed and even if they were open my parents would never let me go since America is doing "AMAZING" with covid.
But yeah, how about you?

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Amaya .
00:47 Dec 17, 2020

WHATTTT HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED?!?!?!

i live in California (my county and pretty much all the counties around it are in purple tier, so we're all just chilling lmaoooo) but i just do kindle

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I don't even know...when covid wasn't here, I was always at the library taking 5 books home all at once but then covid just took that all away!🀧.

Oh really? I'm like across the world from you, I'm in the East. And we have heard alot about California, weren't there tons of fires? And the sky was like red for awhile?

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Amaya .
03:50 Dec 17, 2020

haha sameeee

well not across the world lol you prob meant across the country

well.....

so. yes. there were TONS of fires, we couldn't go outside except for walks (smoke is bad for lungs) and yes one day the sky was orange. It was scary because there was one not too far from our house, but luckily it didn't reach us. But yeah. I hate fire season. Whenever there's fog, my brother and I immediately turn on the air purifier (yes, we have that) before realizing it's fog not smoke, and then we're so glad that it's not another fire.

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My bad thats what I meant.

Oh wow, that sounds horrible! Every year I hear about the fires, its pretty sad. But yall sound used to the living conditions like your used to the fires happening and stuff like that.
Well thats good you and your family are safe!!

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Orenda .
17:58 Dec 10, 2020

hey, I've a new story out. Mind reading and sharing your valuable feedback on it? Thanks a lot :))

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Kayyy! I'll go read it! Ah I see its Romance "Anime version!" This should be interesting!

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Orenda .
03:51 Dec 11, 2020

YAY thankss

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Radhika Diksha
03:14 Dec 29, 2020

hey hi. Long time no see.
I have written some new stories would love your feedback on it.
So how are you?

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Hey Radhika! Yeah its been about 2 weeks aha!
Yes yes, I'll be arriving sooooon😌.
I'm good! I took those tests and I passed everyone of them EXCEPT Chemistry!
How are you?

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Radhika Diksha
01:57 Dec 30, 2020

I'm fine its ok if you could not pass in chemistry. Work hard and everything will become fine.

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Thanks Radhika! That makes me feel better!

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You have repaired me with this.
Oooooooooooooooo! This story! The ending is my favorite part.

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Thank youuu Emmie!!

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Linh J
23:09 Dec 19, 2020

Woahh! This type of writing is similar to how I write sometimes :) Maybe I'm not catching on but was Aurora running from death? Really nice story, the suspense was steady-going and the story kept me on my toes!

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Thank youuu! Haha really?
Yeah yeah you got it, well actually shes running from time, which is sorta like death. SO yeah!
Thank you so much Milani!

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Linh J
00:16 Dec 21, 2020

Ah time ok :)

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Linh J
00:16 Dec 21, 2020

Ah time ok :)

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Linh J
00:16 Dec 21, 2020

Ah time ok :)

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Laiba M
00:14 Dec 14, 2020

Hi, Ugochi! I loved the story so much, especially the message behind it :)
"There it is? Did you hear it? Did you hear that little tick that threatens my life. I turn and there it is, I take a step forward but it is right ahead. I smile and it smiles right back, I sleep and it wakes me up. I need to get away, I need to run, I can’t let it catch me- I can’t. All my life it watches me, even on my greatest days I see it watching me like a thief. Even when I stop it moves on without me, leaving me behind." was my favorite paragraph! It added so much to the overall message~

Do you want to do an upvote spree? I can give you 100-ish points :D

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Thank you so much Laiba!! Thank you for reading!
And suree! I might not be able to get to it soon though since I have exams! But I will definitely show up, so sure!

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Laiba M
15:44 Dec 14, 2020

No problem!!~ That's totally fine, thank you so much!

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D Kase
02:42 Dec 13, 2020

Oh my, are my first thoughts. I really enjoyed this story. It's the first one I've read by you. I look forward to reading more of your work. :)

Thanks for the follow by the way!

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Thank you!!! I'll go check out your page too!
Of course! Thank YOU for following me!

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The ending id fantastic. Great work on this.
The time thing really touches me in an eerie way... could you read something I wrote? Just click "Emmie greens gate" above the post. That should take you there.
Random, but I love your profile pic!

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Thank youuuu so much Emmie!
I was actually checking out your page yesterday but I haven't read anything but I will definitely read some of yours!!!
Thank youuu! Do you know who she is? Like do you know the show?

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Not sure. I might be able to if it was bigger, but I can't really tell.

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Oh I see.
Well shes Kaguya, from the show Naruto, you can just search up "Kaguya" thats who it is.

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Not really into Naruto, but I'll look it up! I like animes, but mostly if they're a one-part movie. My character isn't really from anything I guess... but I have some from existing movies and shows. my favorite is from the kid's move Kiki's Delivery services which is kind of old, but really cute. If you watch it with the English subtitles you'll see that it was way different before Disney did the English version. sorry for the rant, I really like old, sentimental animies.

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Hey Emmie! I might have to get to some of your stories next week, I have multiple exams and whew- so I'm gonna sorta be taking a break only until exams are over though! I'll just get to them next week, I just wanted to let you know, is that okay?

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AwπŸ₯Ί yeah Naruto is not a movie but it does have movies but overall its a show and the only way to understand the movie is to understand the show.
But ouu! I've never heard of that before BUT I have a strong feeling its Ghibli! SO I'm gonna check it out! My goal is to watch all the Ghibli movies or a good amount of them, they seem so interesting!
Yeah I usually just watch the English subtitiles hearing it in English is sorta weird- I don't know its like it doesn't match up
Its okay, I love hearing about what people like and checking it out!

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Zea Bowman
03:35 Dec 10, 2020

First off - hooray! I could finally come to your page and read some of your stories! Second: great job on this! The beginning drew me in and kept me reading throughout the whole story. It was very interesting, and a fun read.

Here's the not-so-fun part: I'm a stickler about grammar...and this story had quite a few mistakes. I've found all the ones I can and included how you could fix them. I know that you can't edit this story anymore, but maybe you could read through them (if you want, of course; there are a lot) for future writing. Well, here it goes...

"I fasten my steps, but you're right ahead, so I turn around and your right there."
This one was a run-on sentence. Also, the second "your" is the wrong one. "Your" (the one you used) shows possession. You should use "you're" which means "you are". You could do something like this instead...
"I fasten my steps; but you're right ahead. I turn around and you're right there."

β€œYes yes, someone …someone- no something” I respond grabbing his shoulder.
Whenever you put the hyphen before "no" you should have another after it in this case. Also, you have a space between "someone" and the ellipsis. Don't forget the comma before you end the quotations, too. Last, you need a comma after "respond" and the first "yes." EX:
"Yes, yes, someone...someone - no - something," I respond, grabbing his shoulder."

β€œAurora, maybe I could walk you home if that will make you feel safer.” he says with worry in his eyes."
You missed a comma after "home" and instead of a period inside the quotation marks, you should have a comma because you continued that sentence with "he says with..." EX:
"Aurora, maybe I could walk you home, if that will make you feel safer," he says with worry in his eyes.

β€œNo! I have already put you in enough risk, just get out of here! Run as fast as you can, don’t let it catch you, okay?!” I look around and rush away, I hear it, why won’t it stop."
For this one, you can't put someone in risk. You can put them at risk, but that wouldn't work in this sentence. Also, I would put a period after "rush away" and a question mark after "stop." Last, you should use a semicolon after "hear it," and an "and" after "Run as fast as you can." EX:
"No! I've already put you in enough danger, just get out of here! Run as fast as you can, and don't let it catch you, okay?!" I look around and rush away. I hear it; why won't it stop?

"I was twelve when it started, it was my birthday and I remember me being all smiley."
Another run-on sentence. You don't need the "me" either. Next time, do something like this...
I was twelve when it started - it was my birthday, and I remember being all smiley.

I won't bore you...you get the idea. There were more mistakes, but I'm probably being super harsh and annoying right now. One last thing - I would use more contractions. Throughout the story, you used things like "I am not" or "I have not" sound too formal and robotic...changing them to "I'm not" or "I haven't" makes the dialogue more realistic.

Okay, okay, I think I went overboard. Once again, you didn't have to read all that...it might just help in the future. Overall, great story! Keep it up!

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I want to say thank you for reading my story!! And thank you for taking the time to write all this! It wasn't harsh at all! Not many people would take the time to correct, so I am always grateful when people write me these things, so thank you!

Thank you Zea! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Zea Bowman
00:36 Dec 11, 2020

Anytime! I'm so sorry for doing all of that, and I'm sorry if I sounded mean. It's never easy to criticism (especially that much). But kudos to you! You handled it very well :)

-Zea

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Nandini Shukla
03:24 Dec 09, 2020

A truly great story, and with a good meaning too! I must say I really enjoyed it, every word. Good job and good luck !! :) <3

Reply

Thank youuu so much Nandini!

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