Painful Gratitude

TW: mental health struggles, relationship healing from problems, displacement, implied toxic/abusive living situations, implied traumatized mc, reactions to stress.

“My woman is kind, she loves me for me, is so very sweet, caring, gentle, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, and only wants the best for me. I say this because she’s been by my side through my personal hell, trying to help me during all of it so I wouldn’t hurt.” 

They recalled fondly, talking about her to their therapist, allowing themself to be vulnerable. The memories were sweet yet tasted sharp and bitter when remembering the pain they caused her by not attending therapy sooner. Yet they smiled painfully with tears in their eyes, allowing them to drip down their face as they spoke.

“She’s also funny, makes me laugh so much and so easily, and is incredibly supportive. An angel really is what she is and I don’t deserve the second chance I got with her.”

He asked them, “Why is that? How come you don’t feel deserving of a second chance with her?” 

“You wanna know what she did for me before I say why I don’t deserve another chance?”

“If you would, please do so.”

“She’s been through hell with me as a ton of terrible things happen to me that weren’t in my control. She listened to me when I needed someone. Helped me move many times when I needed her. She worried about me all the time, even when she didn’t need to. She showed me what love is and how it should feel.” 

They wiped their eyes to dry them a bit, looking guilty at what they were saying. Their sleeve was darkened by their tear stains on it after they wiped their tears away. He then offered a box of tissues to them, which they accepted.

“She helped me see that I’m not a monster as I sometimes see myself. Kept me above water because I would drown without her. She’s tried to help me with my mental health, even when it was at its worst. But, more importantly, she saved my life.”

“She sounds like a wonderful woman. But could you please tell me more about what happened and why you’re so guilty of this? More background information?”

***

They loathed the pain they caused their dearest partner they cherished more than life itself, to the point where they’d be out of her heart forever. She had given them the world they have always needed, yet they disregarded nearly everything she did, not voicing their appreciation as much as they should. It took a major toll on her mental and physical well-being due to the stress of everything, which they now realized was their nearly fatal error, allowing the pain to engulf them as they recounted their cold, callous errors and the sweet, loving assistance she gave. Her assistance was matched with their errors one to one, killing them as they realized why she got to her breaking point.

She helped them when they needed someone to get to a safe place once they were kicked out of their house. This was one of the first and many things that she had done that was of great value as well as importance to their life. She abandoned everything that day to come to their aid, doing everything in her power to help in any way she could. 

Fear struck through her like an arrow through an apple as she came to their aid, dreading the worst as she tried not to shatter when she got to them but failed, tightly holding them in her arms. Her hold felt like she would never see them again and this was the last time she ever would, cutting deeply as to the pain she felt.

Her companionship when they weren’t together by being on video dates and calls was a great help during the time when they were in the first of their housing situations, and were enjoyed dearly. They needn’t worry about much of anything because they were safe, yet still she worried about them and their safety regardless because of her great love for them. They calmed her worries about it each time, despite her concerns being more than valid when her worries ended up being true once they had to leave that housing as well. 

However, during the time in that housing, they were able to have more opportunities to see each other than before and took advantage of that. Outings with each other became common and the norm as they enjoyed being together and to hug each other, considering their love language is physical touch. As this was allowed in their lives now, their relationship deepened and became stronger.

They had deep conversations that lasted into the night about their lives and about how they loved each other, discovering more loveable qualities about the other. Plans for the future were being created as things looked like they were only going up from here, being very much needed for both. Soon they decided to take the next step in their relationship and slept together for the first time, being the most vulnerable with each other at that moment which deepened the relationship even further. It felt like they were on top of the world and nothing could bring them down. 

However, the situation with the emergency housing came to the point where the owner wanted them to move out because they got a job. She couldn’t charge them and expected them to move in with their partner, though that was not possible. What was now expected of them was to find their own apartment, effectively placing them back at square one with getting kicked out.

Things became more stressful once she got to the point of being physically aggressive with them. As always, their loving partner came to their side and helped them get out of the situation. It was a terrible situation that they were helped with again and brought to a safe place where they wouldn’t need to worry about anything like that happening again. 

Sadly, she began to have nightmares about them being homeless and terrible things happening to them where she couldn’t help with, worrying so much for their wellbeing and safety as it appeared like nothing was for certain anymore.

On that first night in the new place, it was off to a rough start and worries got the better of both, yet they remembered how they loved each other. However, their anxiety, worries, trauma and her worries, anxiety, and fear compounded on top of each other, causing issues with one another that emotionally hurt. Trying a different strategy to help them with their problems only aggravated everything that existed as well as threatening to end their relationship. 

Wanting to repair what went wrong, they worked out a different strategy in an attempt to not relapse with their faults, only continuing when they moved once more due to a lease situation where they were at. While she wanted to help them, it got to the point where they had put too much pressure on her to fix all of their problems. 

They had wanted her to be their princess in shining armor which was not reasonable and resulted in them nearly pushing her away from the relationship completely. Their reliance on her was too much for her to bear, causing her to nearly break, thus ending everything. They had committed the cardinal sin of breaking the one they loved so dearly.

The day when everything came undone was when they woke up to their faults and regret came crashing down like tidal waves from a tsunami. They needed to fix everything they’ve done wrong and apologize to her. Not being able to get in contact with her when everything seemed like it was over entirely deepened their regret and woke them up more so than they were before this turn of events. 

Their tears and worry made their body so ill they threw up whatever they put into it, be it food or drink. They had no right to complain as she was having physical reactions to the stress as well. Karma was dealing them a taste of what stress does to a person, despite the two having different physical reactions to all the stress. They deserved it all for their callous behavior towards her.

Knowing the shared language of music and how they’re both fluent, they turned to music they’ve shared together, compiling a playlist of apologies and love. Selecting the songs for the playlist, without listening to them, they couldn’t hold back the tears that cascaded like waterfalls as each of the tears were like daggers in their heart and soul. They realized their faults even further through the music, how the future they were dreaming of was never coming to fruition, how they hurt her through their actions and not changing for her when she begged them to get a therapist.

After the song selection was made, they had to create a letter to apologize to her, listing out all of their faults without restraint. They flayed out their heart onto the page with each word that cut a little more than the last, bleeding out all of their wrongs as well as their admission to what went wrong in the relationship that they had caused by not trying harder to change when she begged them to without excuses, dying it in crimson red coloring. They put themself fully out there where there were no barriers to hide behind, a lamb without a shepherd and wolves surrounding it on all sides.

As they wrote, they were brutally honest with themself about their faults so they could apologize to the full extent without any excuses to hide behind. Seeing it in physical form tormented them for the sole reason they hurt her in specific ways and not getting a therapist for themself when she begged. They felt like they couldn’t be forgiven and just hoped that they would be as she didn’t deserve that inflicted upon her, given she was a wonderful woman whom they loved more than life itself.

Weeping onto the now crimson colored document with each line with pain filled tears, and a flayed open heart with genuine words, no excuses, and admissions to each of the wrongs they committed, killed them. Yet they knew they had to because she deserved it. Even if she didn’t want anything more to do with them after what they did to her or forgive them, they could at least apologize as that was what she deserved from them.

Once they were finished, they felt like a complete and utter monster. They were forced to perceive themself through all their worst actions, looking it in the eyes instead of avoiding made the already horrid feeling in their chest feel like something inside it was actively dying now. It also forced them to realize how they needed to understand they are worthy of being loved and have value to others.

Sending the link, hoping she would listen to it and read the letter attached to it, they went to bed not being able to keep anything they ate or drank down out of stress. They told themself that they didn’t have a right to feel bad, considering she was so stressed out that she was having physical symptoms as well, therefore they had no right to complain about it. They fell into a restless sleep, hoping she would call in the morning and that the text was read.

“I deserve all of this hell…” They thought to themself, falling asleep heartbroken.

During the night, they were plagued with nightmares of her dying or getting injured without any of their ability to help her, to stop it, to save her life. At least get her to safety. Their nightmares were worthy of being labeled pure nocturnal hell. Waking with a start, they frantically called in an attempt to get her to answer, yet not being able to terrified them too much to really acknowledge as they gave into their stress of worrying for her, thus passing out on the cold floor. Coming to, they saw a text saying, “I’m done with our relationship.”

She didn’t want to hear their voice, listen to them, or speak to them in any way, even over text. That killed them so much their chest felt like something was dying inside. Just wanting to hear her sweet voice once more, even if it were to scream at them. 

They didn’t care if she told them, “I don’t want anything to ever do with you again and I want to cut you out forever! Don’t call or text me again! I’m blocking you everywhere!” That would be enough for them as closure, even if it would crush their heart into innumerable pieces just hearing her speak it into the world. She had full reservations and a right to do so.

She wanted to return their guitar and items they gave her when they texted again later that same day. It felt like they were about to sign a death certificate as they needed to separate their things they had together. It felt like someone was carving their heart out when they realized their error and the relationship was over. That night, they could barely sleep, sobbing most of the night before getting some resemblance of sleeping before waking up.

When they awoke, they were crying and texted her to see when they could separate their things as well as when they would be able to call or text again. Her calling them felt like life was returning once more. She was beautiful as ever on the call while they looked disheveled. They broke down, apologizing with tears falling heavily, asking if she saw the playlist and letter, barely. Saying she hadn’t, she allowed them to read it to her, sobbing with them as they had done so.

Realizing their seriousness as they apologized, as well as their desperation to help themself, she forgave them and agreed to fix what went wrong so they could come back even stronger than before. Correctly this time. Their flayed heart out in the open and the extreme vulnerability that they showed her was more than enough to prove that they were serious about their desire to change and be better for her. They loathed being vulnerable and pitied by others as they allowed themself to be, yet put all that aside for her.

A heartfelt talk full of tears, sorrow, apologies, and love, all in surplus, revealed that she never wanted to end things with them. She just wanted them to change by acknowledging their faults and getting a therapist, thus giving them another chance. Hearing her say this made them weep heavier when they felt they couldn’t due to the past four days continuously, so grateful she gave them another chance as well as her forgiveness. 

***

“She really is.” Their voice cracked noticeably with their agreement. “And you wanna know how I repaid all that?”

“How did you repay her?”

“Being ungrateful, unappreciative, not being able to forgive myself for what I did wrong… I was selfish, not really thinking about her in her situation. I’ve been cruel to her when I shouldn’t have been and buried pain deep down to let it fester.” 

Their eyes teared up heavily and dripped with heavy drops down their face, drying them with their sleeves as they fell heavily from their eyes. Having been perceived by their worst actions hurt like hell, but it was needed in order to heal properly.

“But a few of the biggest things were that I have a hard time accepting that someone loves and cares about me genuinely or when things are good. I just can’t accept that. And the fact I relied too heavily on her stressed her out so much that it affected her physically and I disregarded that so callously.”

They grabbed the box of tissues instead so they could wipe their tears and blow their nose before continuing. They paused to dry their face more before continuing. They relented to the fact that if they tried to keep their face dry before taking more, it would be like fighting a wildfire with glasses of water.

“You wanna know why it still hurts even when she's forgiven me?” They asked.

“Why’s that?”

“It’s because I have always been grateful for each and every thing she’s done for me and I treated her that way when I haven't forgotten a single thing she’s done. And I never should have acted the way that I did when all she’s done was show me gentle kindness and love.” 

“You’re admitting what you did wrong and that’s a big step to healing from it all and for her as well.”

“That’s what makes it all the more painful, especially when I should have been thanking her instead of hurting her through my pride and bad mental health. I never once should have crossed that line of her’s and gotten a therapist sooner like she asked me to.”

“How does it feel now that she has given you another chance?”

“It hurts that it even came to this as I love her so much. I’m grateful to have had an angel like her in my life to have even given me this chance to make it right. To be there by my side in life and have a future with me. It hurts like all hell that I did that, but after everything, I am the most grateful and luckiest person on the planet right now.”

“How about we unpack all of this in our next session and work towards your healing?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you.”

“No problem, and if she would like to come with you, tell her that she’s more than welcome to. And you did great for the first session.”