Contest #242 shortlist ⭐️

The Night Watchman

Submitted into Contest #242 in response to: Write about a gallery whose paintings come alive at night.... view prompt

78 comments

Drama Fiction

He comes to work just before closing time, as he does every night. His uniform is pressed, cap on his head, belt with keys and other useless stuff hanging on his hip. Every evening, he politely listens to whatever the man from the day shift wants to tell him. He knows nothing will happen. All will be well. He'll make sure.


After he has smiled warmly, listening to everyone wishing him a cheerful goodnight, after he has locked up and turned off most of the lights, he walks to the small side room and sits on the bench.


The man sits quietly and watches the painting of a small cabin, floating on the waters of the bayou. The cabin is painted green to be hidden better among the shadows of whatever grows there. On the back porch, peeking around the corner is a dog, a generous term for the mangy mutt. The man can almost hear the soft chuff, half a greeting, half a warning to whoever is home.


On the front porch are two rocking chairs, just this side of worm-eaten and water-logged. The cabin leans to the right. It either wasn't made to take the weight of the stove or one of the pontoons is leaking. Or both. The roof has been patched and patched again but is holding for now.


He can taste the hot humid air, a petri dish for mold, that smells of decay, and is thick with the sounds of frogs, cricket and mosquitoes. The water is still except for the occasional splash of a fish snapping at an insect and the gentle ripple telling him an alligator has slipped into the water.


He sits still and watches as the moonlight paints the bayou silver, richly spattered with diamonds and onyx. He listens when at daybreak the bayou falls silent. He sees the pale early morning light filter through the moss and kudzu and sparkle off the ever-present moisture that hangs in the still air.


Just about the time his shift ends, he hears Perry the dog that has adopted the family, huff his soft welcome while it wags its threadbare tail. The man nods. All is well. His work is done for the night.


^*^*^

Maya, clutching the bowl with cornbread fixings to her chest, looks up when she hears Perry and sighs with relief. Mamma is home.


"Git up, lazy bones." Maya nudges the bed. Rhonda stirs but rolls over again. Shaking her head, Maya puts the bowl on the table and pulls the covers off the twelve-year-old girl. She throws a wet washcloth at her. "Up, I said. Mamma's home."


While Rhonda does a perfunctory sponge bath, Maya spreads the cornbread mixture in the baking pan and shoves it in the oven. She steps out on the porch and catches the line mamma throws her.


Did-ya do good, Mamma?"


The old woman shrugs. "So, so. Picked up some bacon. Think you can fix us some?"


Maya grins. "Yes, ma'am. Reckon I can."


"Rhonda up yet?" The old woman groans as she makes the leap from the punt to the porch.


"Just now."


As soon as the bacon is crisp and the drippings poured over the cornbread, they sit down to eat.


Perry whines from the back porch. Maya looks out the side window. Sends mamma a look and reaches for a rifle. She tosses it toward mamma and grabs one for herself.


"Who's comin'?" Rhonda whispers.


"Do-kno yet. Cain't see." Maya mumbles. The sound of a small outboard motor echoes off the cypress stumps and water, making it hard to tell the direction. But Perry knows. Giving a good imitation of a pointer, he steadily looks toward the east.


"There." Maya whispers. Mamma grunts. They see the gentle ripples that precede the small boat as it chugs toward them. The man is alone. One hand on the tiller of the outboard, the other hand up, showing he's unarmed.


"Who's that?"


Mamma lowers her rifle. "Set another plate, Rhonda." She mumbles. "Didn't think he'd come today."


Who, Mamma?" Maya asks as she lowers her rifle. She watches the tall man, folded up in the back of the small boat. His straight brown hair is plastered against his forehead. Sweat stains darken his shirt.


A few minutes later the four of them sit at the table, chicory and cornbread in front of them. "This here is Martin Cleeves. He's with the State. There seems to be a group of men who claim to have bought our bayou." Mamma sighs and shakes her head.


"They can't, can they? It's y'all's land, ain't it? And the Martines and Fayettes and ..." Rhonda sputters.


Mamma holds up her hand. "That's why he's here, child. To survey the bayou."


"How do you survey water, Mr. Cleeves?" Maya asks. "Don-cha need some stable landmark?"


"Well, we start with court records, to establish boundaries and title. When they didn't find any records, the consortium figured it was theirs to take. The state wants to make sure."


"What does this consortium want with a swamp, Mr. Cleeves?" She pushes.


"As far as I know, they mean to reclaim the land, build cities." He shrugs.


Maya laughs. "Everyone knows that it'll take a hundred years, at least to fill up the bayou, or drain it, either way. It ain't called a swamp for not'in'." She motions for him to follow her out on the porch. "See that cypress stump with the flag on it?" She points toward the south.


Martin squints and shakes his head. "No, I don't."


"Exactly! 'Cause it sank into the mud. Mama's great granddaddy marked that as one of the property lines, but that stump was last seen, oh forty or so years ago. We all know it's there, but y'all have to take our word for it."


But it's not in the court records."


Mamma 's come out on the porch as well. The little cabin lists ever so slightly. "Young man, back when my great granddaddy marked this here land, there were no records. Not for swamp land, least ways. "The rats can have it" they said. So, the rats took it. It's divided up. Fayettes, Martines, Dilbards, that be us, Shaughnessy and Lincoln." She shrugs and turns to go back inside. "There used to be more, died, moved away. Take him to see the others, girl. Maybe they can talk some sense into him. I's gotta sleep."


"Yes, Ma'am. Rhonda, come on. We'll drop you off at school."


They're gone most of the day. First, they stop by the Martines.


"They want guerre? We'll give them guerre!" Claude Martine is ready to take up arms.


"Best we do this quiet-like, Claude." Maya urges. "You know we cain't do this alone."


Claude pads her shoulder. "Don-cha fret none, fille."


"I's not going nowhere. Ici mon pays." Henri Fayette stands firm, arms crossed over his broad chest. "We know how to scare them Yankees. Non! They ain't seen nothing yet."


Grover Lincoln nods. "Yes, I hear-ya, Maya. But a man has a right to defend his home. Leave it to us, girl."


Finn Shaughnessy hands the bottle around. Maya had warned Martin to "Just pretend. His 'shine'll kill you." Finn spits his chew into the water. "No chance of them getting their hands on this. Don-cha worry, naw."


On the way back to the cabin she mutters to no one in particular. "Passel of hotheads will get everyone killed. All we want is our piece of this water. We have no word with them. But we needs help. I cain't do it. None are listening to me. I's gots to call him home. Mamma won't be happy. She still sore 'cause he up an' left. But nobody is listening to me. To them I's still a girl."


*^*^*

At the end of the workday, he comes to do his shift, again. Uniform neatly pressed. He smiles when the staff bids him goodnight. He carefully locks up and sets the alarm. He sits on the bench and watches the painting.


His breath catches as he watches the old woman who slowly rocks in one of the old porch chairs, her chin resting on her chest. He watches as a small boat with outboard chugs up to the cabin. He sits up a little straighter, frowns and watches the young woman step onto the porch. He watches as she waves to the unfamiliar young man who's leaving in the small boat. He sighs when, later the old woman unties the punt and leaves to go read her cards. He notices as the light fades and the shadows become night. He sees the young woman step onto the porch and look at him.

And he takes note when she makes a beckoning motion with her hand.


The man stands, exhales and nods, takes off his belt and unclips his keys. He places his cap next to the belt and keys on the bench. He takes off his shoes, ties the laces together and drapes the pair around his neck. Without looking back, he walks to the painting and goes home where he's needed.



March 16, 2024 03:40

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78 comments

Wendy M
20:28 Mar 23, 2024

Love this take on the prompt, and the really immersive language you use, I could feel that sticky heat. A very visual story, well done.

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Trudy Jas
20:53 Mar 23, 2024

Thank you, Wendy. I'm so glad you liked it. Though sticky heat may not be the impression I'd like to leave you with. Though there is little else in LA, is there? :-)

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Jack Kimball
17:52 Mar 23, 2024

Great story Trudy. Really a contender for the win in my view. You have unbelieveable attention to sensory detail. '...He can taste the hot humid air, a petri dish for mold, that smells of decay, and is thick with the sounds of frogs, cricket and mosquitoes. The water is still except for the occasional splash of a fish snapping at an insect and the gentle ripple telling him an alligator has slipped into the water.' and '...A few minutes later the four of them sit at the table, chicory and cornbread in front of them.' I also like how well...

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15:58 Mar 23, 2024

I love how detailed you are! Great story!

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Trudy Jas
17:05 Mar 23, 2024

Thank you, Julia. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Harry Stuart
02:03 Mar 22, 2024

An ingenious take with the prompt and how you bring the painting to life, including the handful of Cajun characters and Perry, of course! The dialogue is realistic to a bayou setting, and it’s very impressive, knowing English isn’t your first language. I would be hard pressed to sync a character with a foreign accent – well done! Lines such as this one are spot on too – “He can taste the hot humid air, a petri dish for mold, that smells of decay, and is thick with the sounds of frogs, cricket and mosquitoes.” Enjoyed the read. Appreciat...

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Trudy Jas
02:50 Mar 22, 2024

Thank you, Harry. As always, really enjoy your feedback. I had the bayou description ready before the prompts came out. Just didn't know where to go with it. Was delighted to make it fit.   Confession must. Yes, I grew up in the Netherlands, and yes, English is my 2nd language, but I believe that when you adopt a new country, you better learn the language. There is no other nation in the world that ofers a driver's license test in alternate languages. And I'm a bit of a monkey, Had a roommate in college from Brooklyn. Before the semester wa...

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Harry Stuart
16:53 Mar 29, 2024

Way to go, Trudy!! Looks like we’ll be raising those wine glasses two weeks in a row. 😊 I am happy and excited for you!!

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Trudy Jas
17:04 Mar 29, 2024

YEAY! I don't think I have enough wine. :-) Whoopy! Thank you, I'm so thrilled, trying to contain myself by thinking of my next creation.

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Harry Stuart
17:10 Mar 29, 2024

It’s such a great feeling! Of course, I was pulling for your story to win, so I must confess I feel like I’ve won again - LOL. It’s a pleasure to share in your happiness! The new prompts look interesting - will have to mull them over. Enjoy this shortlist - you definitely deserve it.

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Trudy Jas
17:47 Mar 29, 2024

Thanks and cheers. ;-D

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Alexis Araneta
14:49 Mar 16, 2024

Such an imaginative story, Trudy ! I love how every character has a distinct voice. As usual, amazing use of detail. Lovely job !

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Trudy Jas
15:14 Mar 16, 2024

Thank you, Stella. Always look forward to hearing your opinion. I had started the bayou and the three women, then got stuck till the prompt came. This week seems a bit easier. :-)

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Chris Sage
19:42 Aug 03, 2024

Re-read this again today, one of my favourites. Such a clever and immersive story

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Trudy Jas
19:56 Aug 03, 2024

Thank you, Chris. It's one of my favorites as well. Appreciate the feedback. :-)

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Jon Little
16:34 Apr 09, 2024

This is a great story. I love how the first scene foreshadows and then smoothly transitions into the main body and then transitions back. The continuity and anticipation was perfect. And. Thanks for liking my story, 'Twixt Heaven and Hell'.

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Trudy Jas
16:44 Apr 09, 2024

Thank you, John. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

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Philip Ebuluofor
05:21 Apr 01, 2024

If you happened to be that watch guy, if the painting starts coming alive in the middle of the night would you wait for them to start waving before taking off? Congrats.

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Trudy Jas
06:30 Apr 01, 2024

Thank you Phillip. :-) We don't know why he was not at home. But the painting came alive for him each night. Tha k you reading my story.

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Helen A Howard
14:27 Mar 31, 2024

Congratulations Trudy 🎉

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Trudy Jas
14:51 Mar 31, 2024

Thank you, Helen. Still grinning. :-)

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Helen A Howard
15:00 Mar 31, 2024

A nice feeling 😊

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John Rutherford
11:51 Mar 30, 2024

Congrats

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Trudy Jas
12:03 Mar 30, 2024

Thanks!

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LeeAnn Hively
05:33 Mar 30, 2024

Congratulations, sweetheart! This story was so well written and full of vivid imagery to pull us in. Brava!

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Trudy Jas
12:05 Mar 30, 2024

Thank you, LeeAnn. I'm thrilled. And so glad you enjoyed it.

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Hannah Lynn
01:52 Mar 30, 2024

Yay! Congrats on the shortlist! 😁

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Trudy Jas
02:11 Mar 30, 2024

Back at ya!

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Story Time
01:36 Mar 30, 2024

This was so visually impactful. I had a sense of where I was at all times, and the language was provocative and stirring. Well done.

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Trudy Jas
01:43 Mar 30, 2024

Thank you. I really appreciate your praise.

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Ty Warmbrodt
00:29 Mar 30, 2024

congrats on the short list!

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Trudy Jas
01:44 Mar 30, 2024

Thank you, Ty. I'll try not to make a habit of it. Oh, who am I kidding. it feels great. :-)

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Hazel Guzman
18:18 Mar 29, 2024

I really loved this story! I really liked how you ended the story. Definitely a surprise!

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Trudy Jas
18:19 Mar 29, 2024

Thank you, Hazel. I'm so glad you liked it. I'm thrilled with the shortlist. :-)

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Hazel Guzman
18:21 Mar 29, 2024

Of course! Keep up the good work!

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Annie Hewitt
17:47 Mar 29, 2024

Great job. Congratulations!

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Trudy Jas
17:49 Mar 29, 2024

Thank you, Annie. It feels great. :-)

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Howard Halsall
17:11 Mar 29, 2024

Well done Trudy, Congratulations on a great story HH :)

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Trudy Jas
17:46 Mar 29, 2024

Thank you HH. It feels great, doesn't it? :-)

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Howard Halsall
22:03 Mar 29, 2024

Enjoy the moment :)

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Trudy Jas
22:32 Mar 29, 2024

I do, I will, as often as the universe will allow. :-)

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D H
23:37 Mar 28, 2024

Very cool idea, love the end! :)

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Trudy Jas
00:32 Mar 29, 2024

Thank you, DH

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Caleb Chauvin
09:59 Mar 27, 2024

@ https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/d6165t/ This is awesome! Strong usage of aesthetic features and stylistic devices! I will say, I am only 16, and I have written a short story called "Echo from the Portrait of Time", and so far, everyone loves it at school. My english teacher (who is an author herself) stated that I should get it published! But I have decided to turn it into a novel, expanding drastically onto both events long before, and after. To Please read it via the following link> https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/d6165t/

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Trudy Jas
13:25 Mar 27, 2024

i'd love to read your story. please send it to my regulsar email, since no tech savvie enough to figure how to find stories on Reedy (they don't have search box) so send it to trudyjas@gmail.com never mind i found it

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Stevie Burges
09:26 Mar 24, 2024

Interesting story. Good take on the prompt. I could feel the heat and humidity jumping off the page. Thanks for writing.

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Trudy Jas
12:09 Mar 24, 2024

Thank you, Stevie. I'm glad you enjoyed it

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