57 comments

Christian Funny Speculative

“Are you there God? It’s me, God.”

“Which one?”

“What do you mean which one?” 

“That’s rather arrogant of you. There are 33 million Hindu gods, 28 Buddhas, and 12 Olympians. For all I know, you could be a talking totem pole. So don’t be a primadonna. Just narrow it down for me. Which god are you?”

“C’mon. I’m pretty sure you are still omniscient, even for a burning bush. You definitely know who this is.”

“Male or female?”

“Clearly, I’m a male.”

“You’re wearing a dress . . .”

“I’m wearing a robe, not a dress. And what outdated gender norms are you referring to? I’ll remind you that you created both male and female.”

“About that. That whole female thing? That was from a rib.”

“Wait, hold up—a rib. Like a baby back rib? You created women from pork products?”

“NO. No, of course not. As you know, I am not a fan of animals that chew the cud or those that have cloven hooves. I believe I was very clear in Leviticus when I commanded men not to eat swine, though it divides the hoof, having cloven hooves, yet does not chew the cud. Clearly pigs are unclean.”

“Clear as mud, but typical of your Old Testament ramblings. To keep your dietary laws—man is going to need a zoology degree. And you can’t mean bacon is off limits . . . that’s just mean.”

“Of course not. Bacon is proof I exist.”

“Agreed.” 

“Now, who is this?”

“Agh! You KNOW who this is.”

“Abraham?”

“Abraham isn’t a god.” 

“He’s the first Muslim.” 

“He’s the first everything. First Jew. First Christian . . .”

“First Flying Spaghetti Monster—”

“Now you are just being difficult. Like when you told Abraham to kill his own son. Cute little Isaac? We loved Isaac.”

“It was a joke! Like the Adam’s rib thing.”

“Abraham almost did it! He almost sacrificed his own son because you told him to.”

“Don’t tell me about sacrificing sons. And Abraham was fine. He was 100 years old when that kid was born. I think Isaac could have easily taken him—snapped Abraham in two like a stale communion wafer. I just wanted to see what Abraham would do. It’s no big deal.”

“And don’t get me started on Abraham’s nephew.”

“Lot?”

“That wife of his was a lot, turning around and looking back at Sodom while you were fire-bombing it.” 

“I should have turned her into a pillar of salt—and pepper. When I smite, I smite hard. And Lot’s daughters? Lot’s daughters were a lot, too, especially after a lot of wine. God, that family.” 

“That was some kind of southern gothic thing going on. What was up with the daughters and the dad?”

“Continuing the family line, you know how it is.”

“No, actually, I don’t. I just have a mother. As for my father? That’s still kind of a big mystery to me—and to 2.6 billion other people.”

“Oh, I know who you are.”

“Surprise!”

“L. Ron Hubbard.”

“Nope, but so close! Dial it back about two millennia.”

“Oh come on. I know who you are. I just like to kid around—just like I did with Job and Noah.”

“Noah! That was some treasure hunt you sent him on. Go get seven of every clean animal and two of every unclean animal and cram them on a boat. Fantastic. While he was building the ark, you should have asked him to find a left-handed screwdriver, some turn signal fluid, and the keys to the batter’s box.” 

“Yeah, good ol’ Noah. He was a sport. Technically, that particular gag could be considered hazing, but it all worked out for the best.”

“All for the best—except for everyone you drowned in your beta version.”

“Oh well, you always throw out the first pancake. Better to start with a clean slate. Tabula rasa and all that.”

“Well, you and I will probably always disagree about how to treat humanity and deal with their shortcomings.”

“Well, like I said in Proverbs, spare the rod, spoil the child.”

“I like to think that I take a more enlightened approach.” 

“Oh, pray tell.”

“Well, personally, I start with the turning of the other cheek, followed by some wholesale forgiveness. I say, suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.”

“The kingdom of God is a Chuck E. Cheese?”

“Essentially. But the pizza is much, much better.”

“So who are you again?”

“Stop. You know who I am.”

“Moses.”

“Not quite, but I am touched. Moses was a badass.”

“He was a favorite, I must say. Let my people go! I loved that.”

“And calling down the plagues? Those Egyptian pharaohs had no idea what was going to hit them next. Pa-pow! Bam! Shing!”

“Frogs, flies, boils, locusts—all great stuff. Like an Edgar Allan Poe story. Rivers of blood. Dead livestock. He definitely got the job done.”

“Yep. We took on the Egyptian gods and walked right out of town. As for Ra, Osiris, and Isis? They’re still mad at me.”

“No. Seriously?”

“Absolutely. Especially when we sent most of their worshippers to the bottom of the Red Sea.”

“I loved that. Moses is the GOAT.”

“He walked right out of Egypt to the Promised Land.”

“That’s like a 11-day walk, right?”

“Uh, well—Moses took the scenic tour.”

“But he did make it to Mount Sinai.”

“Exactly. I condensed all the commandments down to ten. Just ten simple rules to follow, so mankind can live in peace and harmony . . .”

“I got my commandments down to two.”

“You only have two commandments in the entire New Testament?”

“Yep. Just two. Love God. Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“Technically, that’s three, but you do make a point. I can see consolidating. Ten does seem excessive.”

“And repetitive. Lots of Thou Shalt's.” 

“It seemed appropriate at the time.”

“Do you think we could get the commandments down to one?”

“Probably. What are you thinking?”

“Just love.”

“Love? Where is the judgment in that?”

“Exactly.”

“You know, I kind of like it.”



February 08, 2022 02:34

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

57 comments

07:12 Feb 12, 2022

This was amazing XD I don't know how you write this well! It's absolutely INSANE how you write like this, the comedy, the snarkiness, the seriousness all mushed into one. But neat. THE CHUCK E CHEESE THOUGH XD Well done, Deidra! And are you an English teacher? That's really cool! I'm quite young, and look up to people like you <3 Could you possibly leave feedback on one of my stories? Maybe Who I Am, or Breathe?

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:23 Feb 13, 2022

Thanks, Phoenix! I'll head over and check you out :)

Reply

22:46 Feb 13, 2022

:)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Jonathan Blaauw
18:35 Feb 09, 2022

These prompts were made for you, D! I knew you'd have something worth reading! 🤣 And this really is. It's obviously hilarious (we knew it would be) but I was particularly moved by the astute observation of judgement in religion. JC hung out with the hookers and tax collectors. If he came back today he'd be run out of town by the very people who claim to worship him! Plus, and I remember thinking this about your priest story that got shortlisted ages ago too, in order for one to critically comment on religious matters, a degree of knowledge i...

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
19:25 Feb 09, 2022

Hello? Is this my highest rated podcast guest? Why at 86 listens to date, yes it is. Yours is a face I've sorely missed :) Happily enough, my Renaissance priest story will be published by https://www.funicularmagazine.com/ (I'm weirdly popular in Canada.) I tried the Globe Soup Challenge #5. Some how I got HUMOR as a genre. The gods were generous... Two Reedsy writers K. Antonio & Shea West (Cre'shea Hilton) were shortlisted last time on the soup. Both are AMAZING writers with tremendous senses of humor. I'm going to check if you've droppe...

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
19:48 Feb 09, 2022

That's brilliant news! That story of yours taught me what Latin for bastard is 🤣 I can't believe I didn't know that before! Seems like something everyone should know. I'm also so glad you're doing the soup comp! I got epistolostrpy (whatever) the letter writing one. Thought I'd warm up with a Reedsy story, get back into the flow a little bit. I did recognize K. Antonio on the finalist email! I felt so proud, seeing someone from our tribe 🤣 good luck with the contest!

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
19:53 Feb 09, 2022

You and K would be mates. Wonderful writer from Brazil. I see you posted a story and I'm keen to read it! Need to clear my desk of awful 12th grade essays first. All the best :) :) :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Leo Fall
03:30 Mar 07, 2022

I love stories where one talks to a deity. Especially if it's much more modern. It's always hilarious. Another wonderful story!^^

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
15:16 Mar 07, 2022

:) Thanks for your continued support!

Reply

Leo Fall
15:42 Mar 07, 2022

Of course!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Elayna B
00:47 Feb 18, 2022

absolutely adorable!! lighthearted humor and very inspirational. this in my opinion deserves to win 100%!! you should be very proud of yourself, Deidra.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
01:03 Feb 18, 2022

I'm just trying not to go to hell, but thanks for the lovely comment :) :) :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Patrick Samuel
23:23 Feb 16, 2022

I laughed out loud several times reading this. As hilarious as it is clever. And that punchline just nails it! OK, maybe "nails" wasn't the best choice of words. But if you win this week, we'll know there is a God. Or several of them.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
23:28 Feb 16, 2022

Father, forgive them for they know not how those puns hit. Thanks for the read, Patrick! I'm in love with your bio. That's quite a laundry list of writers. You make an English teacher swoon! Congrats with the win and the shortlist. That's impressive :) Maybe come on the podcast and talk about your reading and writing journey? https://www.readlotswritelots.com/previous/ https://deidrawhittlovegren.com/

Reply

Patrick Samuel
23:41 Feb 16, 2022

Thank you for the invite, Deidra! I would love to do a podcast with you (my first!) We'll have to find a time that suits us both (right now it's past midnight here so this is definitely not happening today.) Glad you liked my laundry list. Would you believe I tried to keep it short :)

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
00:40 Feb 17, 2022

Email me for details lovegren.deidra@gmail.com 😃

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Dustin Gillham
22:17 Feb 16, 2022

Well done, Deidra.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
23:24 Feb 16, 2022

Only if it made you laugh :)

Reply

Dustin Gillham
23:38 Feb 16, 2022

You’re stories are always a blessing in that way.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Betsy Lynch
17:50 Feb 15, 2022

I just love the tone of this piece! Great fun! I can picture Monty Python-esque God argument. Wonderful job, and quite thorough. Sounds like the dinner table at my house over the years...a few jokes over mixing up Groundhog Day with Easter, that sort of thing. Lovely consolidated ending, and perfect for February. Or any time. I got lost a few times with quotations only (who is speaking?) but tag lines would only slow it down. Not knowing who the narrator is ...makes it universal.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
18:10 Feb 15, 2022

Well, God is speaking to God, so . . . (haha) I love the Monty Python comment. If only I could have worked in a dead parrot and silly walks? Maybe in the sequel. Thanks for the lovely comment. Onward :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Ambassador Rose
01:33 Feb 15, 2022

Wow. Well, that was a trip! I'm not crazy about straight dialogue; it can get confusing really fast, but it was a fun read anyway... As for theology, I'd just like to note, on behalf of the First and Last, that He DID start with ONE rule in the Garden... and we messed that up too. ;-) As we have seriously messed up this "love" word already too. But that's theology and not a fictional point.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
01:46 Feb 15, 2022

Point taken. Don't eat the fruit on that tree was hella specific. :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Shea West
18:15 Feb 14, 2022

"When I smite, I smite hard." Same. I'll say this, I'm what my mom likes to call a heathen because we never went to church or had a faith etc. So my understanding of religious content is very sparse, but not enough so that I couldn't laugh my ass off at this. This gave me the vibes of that book "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore. You're the master Deidra Lovegren to which we shall all worship in your humor and writing. This was so good! I'm dying to read your Globe story now that I know you ...

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
20:26 Feb 14, 2022

I'm ordering that Christopher Moore book immediately, just for the title alone :) Love ya Shea!

Reply

Shea West
20:48 Feb 14, 2022

My grandma, a devout Episcopalian, was a voracious reader/writer, and a school teacher... She wasn't one to laugh much at anything. But this book, it did it for her🤣

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
23:54 Feb 14, 2022

You need a lot of faith to get through the Old Testament.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Riel Rosehill
08:09 Feb 14, 2022

Deidra... Wow! This was so fun to read, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and the end..! "Love? Where is the judgement in that? - Exactly." BRILLIANT. I didn't see where this story was going but loved the journey, & all for the destination!

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
15:44 Feb 14, 2022

I had no idea where the story was going until it landed where it did. I just thought God could use a talk with God, just to sort everything out.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
J.C. Lovero
16:17 Feb 13, 2022

Deidra! Love this. So many funny moments. It's rare for me to find a story full of dialogue that keeps me reading, but you nailed it. I laughed out loud with the whole bacon bit. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to the next!

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:22 Feb 13, 2022

Bacon. That's all that needs to be said to engender hope and foster the brotherhood of man. And this recipe for Millionaire Bacon: 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger 1 pound thick-cut bacon (about 10 slices)

Reply

J.C. Lovero
22:49 Feb 13, 2022

omg that sounds amazing lol

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Kevin Broccoli
08:49 Feb 13, 2022

This is such a great direction to take the prompt! I was applauding the whole time.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:23 Feb 13, 2022

*stage bow*

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Daniel R. Hayes
06:57 Feb 12, 2022

Deidra!!!!! This was great! I tell you what, after a long busy week of work, writing, and family stuff, it was great to sit down with a good Deidra Lovegren story. Let me tell you that this did not disappoint! You are amazingly gifted and I look forward to catching up on some stories I've missed :)

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:24 Feb 13, 2022

You are a sweetheart. And spend your time writing your clever horrifying stuff. We need more Daniel Hayes and his treasure trove of troubles to cheer our dreary lives. Love to your family on this pre-Valentine's Day :)

Reply

Daniel R. Hayes
06:59 Feb 14, 2022

Thank you Deidra, and Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours! You are one of my favorite author's, and I love your stories, so hearing those praises mean a lot! Thank you!! :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Zack Powell
04:37 Feb 12, 2022

Full disclosure: I stumbled upon this story a few days ago, and I almost didn't submit my own piece this week because this is a clear knockout. Literally laugh-out-loud funny, Deidra. If I could write dialogue half as cleanly as you, I'd be a happy man. A dialogue-only story is on my personal writing bucket list, and this is a great example of how to pull it off. Hats off to you, ma'am, and best of luck in the contest this week. P.S. The Chuck E. Cheese line had me ROLLING.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:26 Feb 13, 2022

I have suffered through a lot of Chuck E. Cheese days with my three kids. They always got sick the next day. Always. Thanks for the read and the wonderful comment. I look forward to your stuff. Let me know if you want to join a reading group. We've got quite a stellar one going .... :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Alwyn M
03:04 Feb 12, 2022

This was really good! I loved the use of dialogue-only storytelling. You have a really interesting (and entertaining) view on religion! :D

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
22:21 Feb 13, 2022

Thanks, Alwyn. I think a mandatory comparative religion class should be required in school. And throw in all the secular philosophies as well -- can't hurt :)

Reply

Alwyn M
09:10 Feb 15, 2022

Very true!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Paul Brown
06:15 Feb 10, 2022

Brilliant, still laughing from your last story. Thankyou your a blast.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
18:45 Feb 10, 2022

Glad some of those punches landed. Thanks for the read :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Phil Manders
12:42 Feb 08, 2022

I’m normally pretty good at picking out a winning story. This has to be at the very least shortlisted. I was going to enter a story with the same prompt. I’ve decided to burn my laptop instead. You are the Goddess of reedsy prompts.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
14:00 Feb 08, 2022

Nooooo we need Phil Manders' laptop and his wonderful writing in the world. Just write for yourself. That's keeps me sane. If I'm pleased with it, that's my harshest critic. Thanks for your unflagging support -- sending you much love and encouragement!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
12:32 Feb 08, 2022

Nice story! It was the perfect amount of hilarious and entertaining at the same time.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
15:01 Feb 08, 2022

I'm glad my bizarre humor connected on some level...who knew all those Sunday School lessons would pay off one day?

Reply

18:17 Feb 08, 2022

LOL :D

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Russell Norman
10:25 Feb 08, 2022

IMHO, This is classic Deidra! Love it.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
11:16 Feb 08, 2022

See you in hell :)

Reply

Russell Norman
22:25 Feb 08, 2022

...or any other fantasy place we choose to invent.

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
23:00 Feb 08, 2022

Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?

Reply

Russell Norman
00:33 Feb 09, 2022

You are asking the wrong guy. However, IMHO, heaven(s) in whatever form, serves the less than pure goal of manipulative power-hungry (mostly male) people down through the ages. Which I think is partly what you are trying to point out in this story. :)

Reply

Deidra Lovegren
00:47 Feb 09, 2022

Cynic! It's all about love, baby.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Mike Panasitti
01:04 May 22, 2022

Humorous banter between God and Jesus. I'm grateful we don't live in a society that outlaws poking fun at the Supreme Deity or His Son - especially when they give divine props to love.

Reply

Show 0 replies