82 comments

Funny American

“Well, I thought mom’s memorial service went very well.” 😬 

“It’s over. ⚰️ That’s all that matters.”

“C’mon. Don’t be that way.” 🙄

“What way?”

“The way you always are ☣️—who you always are.”

“All right. ❓ Who would you like me to be?”

“Be happy . . .” 😊

“You want me to be happy? Fine. ✨magic✨Ta da! I’m happy.”

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. 🙅I love living in absolute denial.”

“Oh, stop. ☑ It’s a choice to be happy.”

“No, it’s a choice not to murder 🔪 you right now.”

“C’mon. At least admit the ⚱️ funeral home did a great job with mom’s, uh, unusual requests.”

“The funeral home charged an arm and a leg—to literally bury an arm 💪 and a leg🦵."

“That was what mom wanted! 🔥 🔥 🔥 A partial cremation.”

“No one—NO ONE—wants a partial cremation. 😱 What she requested was a 🪓partial mutilation.”


“She did it to demonstrate her lifelong suppression by the 🚹 patriarchy.”

“She did it 🤪 to symbolize how she could have been the spokesbird for Cocoa Puffs.”

“Our mother was—bold.”

“Our mother 😵 was crazy.”

“Our mother 🦚 was unique.”

“Our mother was a wackadoodle.”

“Our mother was a 🦄 visionary . . . she modeled her entire life to show us an unrestrained way of living out loud. 📣”

“For crying out loud . . . that woman—🦹‍♀️”

“THAT woman taught you your 🔤 ABC’s.

“THAT woman was the entire personality disorder spectrum . . . Cluster A and B and C.” 

“If you had just a smidgeon of 🙏🏻 gratitude—”

“Gratitude for what? 👩‍👧Becoming your de facto mother at seven years old?”

“And you did a good job.”

“I didn’t have a choice. Your diapers 🧷 weren’t going to change themselves.”

“Just think of all the transferable skills 🚙 you learned from that young age.”

“Like dialing 911 🚨 when our mother didn’t come home for days?”

“Adaptability skills.”

“Like lying to social workers?”

“Communication skills.”

“Like making meals with only powdered milk, tuna fish 🐟, and macaroni?”

“Creativity and critical thinking.” 

“Like dealing with chronic abandonment🏃🏼‍♀️💨 ?”

“She never abandoned us. Mom went on her walkabouts. 🚶‍♀️She needed to commune with nature—and herself.”

“She communed with whomever was at the 🥳 🍷 Package Store.”

“Look, she always managed to provide 💰 for us.”

“She always managed to disappoint us. 💔 In all ways. Every day.”

“Say what you will. I loved her.”

“You loved the 🔮 idea of her.”

“And you love to 💔 vilify her.”

“It’s easy to do. The woman was a menace. 👵 If grandma hadn’t rescued us—”

“Grandma was boring.”

“Having 🍔 food in the house and 👕 clean clothes to wear was not boring.”

“Grandma always yelled at me.”

“Grandma taught you how to brush your teeth 🦷 and clean your room.”

“Grandma was strict.”

“Mom was chaos.”

“Grandma didn’t like 😢 me.”

“Grandma didn’t like that you 👹 weren’t civilized.”

“Well, I miss mom.”

“You miss the madness.”

“I miss mom’s ⛺ camping trips.”

“Camping 🏞️ at the beginning of every month—just when the 💸 rent was due.”

“I miss her walking us to 🏫 school.”

“Schools. She walked us to each one of the nine 🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫schools we attended.”

“We learned how to make 🤝 friends—immediately.”

“I learned how to contact the 🚸 social services worker—immediately.”

“I liked when Mom played the secret agent game 🕵🏻‍♂️ with us at the store.”

“The secret agent game 😲 was her way of shoplifting.”

“You take that back!”

“ 🛒That’s exactly what the store managers would say when they caught you with a pack of ground chuck 🐄 tucked in your sweatshirt.”

“Mom did the best she could—under the circumstances.”

“You mean under the ☯️ consequences—the consequences of her insane actions.”

“Well, I liked her memorial service. 🏔 The Mongolian throat singer 🎶 lent a mystical touch.”

“The Mongolian throat singer was neither a Mongolian nor a singer. She did have a throat, though, but that’s about it.”

“She said she was an old friend of mom’s—from school.”

 “The singer worked at the CVS pharmacy by mom’s apartment before she was arrested for selling oxycontin 💊 under the counter. That’s how mom knew her.”

“You mean, mom didn’t know her 🎓 from college?”

“Mom didn’t go to college.”

“What—”

 “We just told you that mom was away at college 👮 while she did a short stint.”

“Mom went to ⛓ prison?”

“State prison. Right before she founded her ⛪ church.”

“Mom knew people—from jail?”

“Who do you think were her first parishioners?”

“Those women at her church 🕊️ were CONVICTS?”

“And hustlers.”

“Sister Angela? 👼 Sister Malory? 👼”

“⚔️☠️ Breaking and entering. 👊🏻 💥 Assault and battery. Respectively.”

“They were so nice.”

“They’re still nice. They’re still criminals, but they are still nice.”

“I have such fond memories of mom’s ✝️ church . . .”

 “Didn’t you ever wonder why it shut down 🚓 during the middle of a service?”

“Mom said she was too overcome by the 👻 Spirit.”

“She was overcome by an arrest warrant for selling 🧴 Miracle Holy Water.”

“Oh, I remember that. Sister Ginny sold it out of her car.”

“That was the least problematic aspect 💰🏃‍♂️🏠 of mom’s marketing plan.”

“Well, mom did have some 👾 👾 👾 interesting friends.”

“I think you misspelled unemployed.”

“At least they were colorful.”

“Colorful 👨‍⚖️⚖️ like her memorial service.”

“Personally, I’m glad everyone honored her request.”

“The request that everyone dress in chartreuse and marigold?”

“Those were her favorite colors.”

“Those are two of the ugliest colors. 🎨 Especially together.”

“I thought everyone looked nice.”

“Everyone looked like a 📸 Kodachrome photograph from 1971.”

“At least there was plenty of food 😋 at the buffet afterwards.”

“That’s because no one would 🤮 eat it.”

“Mom left specific instructions and recipes . . .”

“Mom’s tastes peaked fifty years ago. 💩 In all areas, but especially food.”

“Well, I still like 🍍 canned pineapple.”

“As a species, we have evolved past casseroles 🥘 made with Campbell’s 🍄 mushroom soup.”

“C’mon. Tell me the Hamburger Helper did not transport you back to our 👧 👧🏼 childhood.”

“It transported 🧂 900 milligrams of sodium into my bloodstream.”

“The fondue was fun. When was the last time you ate fondue?”

“The last time I got food poisoning. Communal vats of 🧀 cheese have been over for decades.”

“Mom requested some healthy options. 🥗 There were some salads.”

“Salads made with Cool Whip are not salads.”

“And remember mom’s punch bowl? 🥃🍻🍷🥂🍸🍾I’m glad we could put it to good use.”

“Yes, nothing says vaya con dios like a 🥴 🥴 🥴 concoction of ginger ale, lime sherbet, and alcohol.”

“You loved 💗 mom.”

“I did love 💗 mom.”

“Thanks for not letting me die ⚰️ during childhood.”

“And I love you, 💕 too.”


November 16, 2021 15:32

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82 comments

Daniel Hayes
18:45 Nov 16, 2021

Deidra... this was amazing! I loved the humor and found myself laughing out loud at times despite the onlookers thinking that I might be crazy 🤪 The format was fantastic and it really drew me in, so refreshing. I also loved the use of emojis throughout. I love emojis, they're like little stickers and I just want to stick them on everything... lol. Great job as always!! 😊

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Deidra Lovegren
18:46 Nov 16, 2021

I challenge you to write one of your ghoulish delights and incorporate emojis. Game on!

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Daniel Hayes
18:48 Nov 16, 2021

A challenge you say... hmm... let me ponder on this. Hahaha!

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Deidra Lovegren
18:59 Nov 16, 2021

👹 This website will help: https://emojidb.org/messenger-emojis

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Daniel Hayes
19:10 Nov 16, 2021

That's awesome!! Thank you for the link, and I have an idea brewing... so I can't wait to get started on the spooky fun!

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Daniel Hayes
04:01 Nov 18, 2021

Hi Deidra, challenge was accepted and completed :) :) Hope you like it. I'm officially emoji-fied!!! hahahaha!! ;)

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Deidra Lovegren
05:01 Nov 18, 2021

Woo hoooooo!! Going to read now 🏃🏻‍♀️

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Kelly Dennison
15:59 Nov 16, 2021

Well this was unexpectedly delightful! haha! The back and forth was so enjoyable to read. What a character <criminal> their mom was!

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Deidra Lovegren
16:02 Nov 16, 2021

I'm adding emojis as we speak. Who can communicate without emojis anymore??

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Kelly Dennison
16:04 Nov 16, 2021

Don't ask me...they're permanently part of my virtual vocabulary!!

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Deidra Lovegren
16:07 Nov 16, 2021

I say we just go back to hieroglyphics. It would just be easier.

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Kelly Dennison
16:09 Nov 16, 2021

As long as I can convey laughing and crying at the same time, I'm in.

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Deidra Lovegren
16:16 Nov 16, 2021

It's the 21st century. That's all we need.

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Eric Falvey
18:03 Nov 18, 2021

So, admittedly I don’t read as many of these as I should—I’m working on being better at it. At first the format threw me. The more I read, the more I got sucked in. What impresses me, is the range of emotions and the juxtaposition. You have a sad theme (funeral) but a really light and funny tone. I found myself chuckling at many points. This is not an easy thing to pull off, and you did it masterfully. Very fun read.

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Deidra Lovegren
18:38 Nov 18, 2021

Not my best work, but fun nonetheless :)

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Lin Macredie
12:48 Nov 26, 2021

The format could be considered avant garde. People have joked about the future of writing being emojis like it's dumb, but I like your embrace of it. It fits the format of a text conversation. I've been working on less dialogue because Chuck Palahniuk said to in his book but he also says advice is subjective. I enjoyed the story. I like that it's different. It's totally awkward discussing your mom's life and death with siblings who idolize her and that came across well. (I hate saying 'been there', but...) This was cool.

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Deidra Lovegren
17:18 Nov 27, 2021

Thanks, Eric! I appreciate the read and the comment. As for reading stories on Reedsy, I usually read the first paragraph or so, cutting out early if it doesn't keep my attention. There are so many talented writers here and oodles to choose from.

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Russell Norman
10:10 Nov 17, 2021

Awesome as always. Goodness knows how one would narrate this story and successfully include the added spice of the emojis. But you know I love words with pictures included. 😍

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Deidra Lovegren
11:27 Nov 17, 2021

I would love to hear you "read" the emojis -- ! You would be spectacular, of course.

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22:40 Nov 29, 2021

Haha! I love how both siblings always have a smart answer back! I found it very entertaining

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Deidra Lovegren
22:57 Nov 29, 2021

Thanks, Corrina! I challenged my horror-writing friend Daniel Hayes to do an emoji story, and his was much better: https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/opxfsz/

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Howard Seeley
04:49 Nov 27, 2021

Great effort. Keep up the good work!

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Deidra Lovegren
17:08 Nov 27, 2021

Thanks for the moral support, Howard : ) So nice to not just write into the void (haha)

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Howard Seeley
19:30 Nov 27, 2021

I'm sure many read, but few respond. Don't let the echos of the void discourage you. Keep on writing!

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Kate Winchester
00:44 Nov 27, 2021

This was funny! I too enjoyed the juxtaposition of a sad theme of a funeral with humor. I almost felt guilty for laughing. It was all fantastic, but the spokesbird for Cocoa Puffs was my favorite line!

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Deidra Lovegren
17:09 Nov 27, 2021

Absurdism underpins my worldview. And Cocoa Puffs are still delicious, just not magically delicious like Lucky Charms.

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Kate Winchester
17:20 Nov 27, 2021

🤣 I love it.

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Deidra Lovegren
17:23 Nov 27, 2021

Unlike Grape Nuts, which frankly is just kitty litter.

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Kate Winchester
17:48 Nov 27, 2021

Lol, I’ve never tried Grape Nuts but I’ll take your word for it.

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Akshara ★
07:14 Nov 26, 2021

This was surprisingly deep, unexpectedly delightful too. A unique modern way to tell a story. 😊

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Deidra Lovegren
17:10 Nov 27, 2021

6000 years of writing and we're still communicating with pictures :)

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01:24 Nov 26, 2021

Your story was wonderfully laid out with humour and visual modern emojis. You may have started a whole new genre of writing. The story could have been shorter and still gotten the plot line across. Still, fabulous job. I hope to see more of your art in your stories!

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Deidra Lovegren
17:11 Nov 27, 2021

A new genre of writing with emojis....? Perish the thought. I'm going to blame TikTok, along with every other social ill. :)

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Gerald Lanning
18:46 Nov 25, 2021

This is the first story I've read on this site that I really enjoyed, even though it's not a story. This is an excerpt from what could be a killer novel or novella. Flesh out these characters, add a plot and you could have a best seller if it's as clever as this conversation. I've read many bestselling books where the dialogue is not near as well constructed. This is also the first story that doesn't contain glaring errors such as "scowling at her father whose gray beard catches the sun’s rays before it hides behind the clouds." Did his bear...

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Deidra Lovegren
17:14 Nov 27, 2021

"In media res" -- spoken like a true English teacher, I hope? It's always fun to find kindred spirits on here, especially those well versed in World Lit and Brit Lit. Thanks for the read and the commentary. I agree with you entirely. :)

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Gerald Lanning
19:34 Jan 06, 2022

You have a lot of talent. I hope life allows you to use it.

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Deidra Lovegren
04:04 Jan 07, 2022

I'm not giving life the choice. :) I'm using it whether life likes it or not -- haha

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Dhwani Jain
10:45 Nov 24, 2021

Oh wow! I LOVED this story, Deidra! The emojis were the ones that attracted me to this one. The style in which it was written, text, was very relatable and unique. I've always wanted to write something in this...format. Well, can you please read any of my stories and share your reviews? Also, what other stories do you recommend from your own collection? Thank you for following me! It means a lot coming from someone like you :)

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Deidra Lovegren
17:15 Nov 27, 2021

Like Daniel Hayes (see above), I hereby challenge you to write an emoji story. Send me the link so I can read it when you are done :)

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Dhwani Jain
08:31 Nov 28, 2021

Sure...I'll get to it soon!

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Dustin Gillham
18:50 Nov 23, 2021

Well done Deidra

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Deidra Lovegren
21:08 Nov 23, 2021

Thanks, Dustin. Just trying out new stuff :)

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Bruce Friedman
18:40 Nov 23, 2021

Very interesting story, Deidre. As usual, you are ploughing new ground. Fascinating interplay between two sibs who had a different perspective on their childhood. Is it true that the older one in a family is often closer to reality whereas the younger one may have been protected from reality? Also, I think that I am too old to "understand" emoji's.

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Deidra Lovegren
21:15 Nov 23, 2021

I'm not too keen on emojis either, but when in Rome . . . (I have three adult children, ages 19, 21, 23 so I use emojis as a matter of necessity.) As for birth order, as the 5th of 6 children -- I've always been fascinated with attributes assigned to how we come out. Generally, the oldest child follows all the rules, but is sneaky and resentful. The middle child is the peacemaker and travels VERY far away as soon as possible. The youngest is usually the comedian and rule breaker. As for the 5th? We are ghosts and just observe, secure in the...

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Bruce Friedman
22:39 Nov 23, 2021

Deidre, sibship is fascinating. I am working on a story about the good son/bad son. The latter bails and moves VERY FAR away, as you say, to escape the family tentacles. Calls his mother on the weekends perhaps. The former, good son, stays in town and takes care of his mother (or his wife does). What exactly is the appeal of emojis to the younger set?

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Deidra Lovegren
23:38 Nov 23, 2021

two words: "minimal effort"

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Eric D.
03:46 Nov 23, 2021

This was beautifully and surprisingly super deep despite the emojis, just a unique modern way to tell a story and I loved that new take on it.

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Deidra Lovegren
21:17 Nov 23, 2021

I appreciate your kind remarks. As an English teacher, I embrace all forms of communication and love the absurdism that emojis bring to the discourse. I half expect my students to incorporate them into formal papers at some point. :)

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Eric D.
22:51 Nov 23, 2021

Deidra you've been an English teacher this whole time! No wonder you write so good and with such deep insightful thoughts. We have really went back to hieroglyphics I think and its fascinating. It's good to know people like you and me are not fighting the change but rather trying to adapt and understand it. Good teacher tactics!

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Deidra Lovegren
23:45 Nov 23, 2021

No use of being pedantic about language (unless you're French!) Whatever mode works to communicate effectively is all right with me. However, I am concerned about the vocabulary decline. Words are needed to express ideas; limited language is a problem. Syme's job in Orwell's 1984 is to cut down the language so Big Brother can more effectively control the people. Can you start a revolution with emojis?

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Eric D.
02:29 Nov 24, 2021

That's a strong valid point and a scary future to imagine! 😬 makes you feel unease. (Random side note - just checked out your podcasts you're an excellent interviewer !!)

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Leonard Mills
11:44 Nov 21, 2021

Excellent. Made even more enjoyable with the format. Believable dialogue and great story, thanks.

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Deidra Lovegren
13:13 Nov 21, 2021

Always fun to try out something new — woo hoo!! Thanks for the read ❤️

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Michael Regan
19:57 Nov 18, 2021

OK - I am WAY too old to get the point of texting someone when you could talk to them - But, 😂😂😂

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Deidra Lovegren
20:52 Nov 18, 2021

Same here 📫 📞 But when In Rome 🤳

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H L Mc Quaid
14:23 Nov 18, 2021

😭😳🦵☠️😏🧫😆😆😆 Have we, really "evolved past casseroles 🥘 made with Campbell’s 🍄 mushroom soup"? fun story, as a 👧🏼 I HATED 🍄 🥫so much I would hide the cans so my mom couldn't use them. I was smiling the whole time, I would love to have met this Mother.

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Deidra Lovegren
15:27 Nov 18, 2021

I think it was a law that all foods in the 1970's needed to be bland with the consistency of warm jello. I challenged Daniel Hayes to write one of his horror stories with emojis. HAHA The cherries will have you ROFL. Very much my sense of humor.

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Agnes Goldfinch
08:57 Nov 18, 2021

This is amazingly refreshing to read, I really enjoyed the innovative format!

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Deidra Lovegren
15:36 Nov 18, 2021

It's weirdly hard to write with emojis! I challenged Daniel Hayes to write one of his horror stories using them, and he did a far, far better job.

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Shea West
15:17 Nov 17, 2021

This was fabulously authentic. Have you been creeping on my text conversations Deidra?! There was so much sass and humor in this story and I 👏am👏here👏for👏it👏!

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Deidra Lovegren
17:01 Nov 17, 2021

Tis the season to be batshit crazy...holiday = stress

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Yuk Yuk
13:20 Nov 17, 2021

This was entertaining. Great job as always. I like their mum too 😂 Also appreciate the different views/ thought on a shared memory.

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Deidra Lovegren
15:38 Nov 18, 2021

🤪 Just a break from regular writing . . . fun and zany. Glad to see you back on Reedsy :)

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Yuk Yuk
08:45 Nov 19, 2021

Fun indeed 😌🎈 Glad to be back. I'll appreciate feedback on my latest story, "second choice."

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