The First

The singular rickety lightbulb that hung overhead flickered on as the moths flocked to it. I rubbed my eyes as I emerged from the darkness I'd laid in atop the dirty floor-bound mattress. When my pupils finally adjusted to the unstable light, I could see that a picture was being held up in front of my face. He was 19 years old. His name was Owen.

When I saw him, time slowed to a stop. He looked so happy. He was so perfect. I knew my life would never be the same after I met him because I had sadly finally found him. The first boy I would ever kill.

"Yes. You have to kill him."

The words played in my mind over and over again. I was only seventeen, but living on the streets of Brooklyn meant I grew accustomed to seeing brutal death and hardships.

I had replied with, "I'm sorry, what?", only to be met with the response of, "It's either you kill him, or we kill you." I was being faced with the decision to keep my life, or make an innocent boy lose his.

I was supposed to kill this 19 year old boy (whom I had never met) all because one of his friends was involved with a group that sold drugs and the leader of our group didn't want them threatening our sales.

Mitch was the leader of our pack. He was the organizer and the streetwise businessman. Mitch had found me in an alley when I was 14 and told me to join him. Being starved and desperate, I recognized that it was quite possibly my only hope of survival no matter how skewed, so I accepted.

Rizz was the goon who usually 'took people out' at Mitch's command. Darnell helped Rizz on occasion, but for the most part he was 'The Locator', and his job was to track down innocent people who we could terminate in order to warn and scare off the person who was actually threatening our business. Tobias was the one who got the drugs for our sales, and only God knows where he found them.

And then there was me: Marley (Mar, on the streets).

I was 'The Face', as Mitch called me; tall, pretty, and young with the ability to be seductive in order to get the cash. What I learned to do very quickly was reel the customers in. Mitch always said that he had the feeling it wasn't the drugs the usuals who constantly came back were addicted to, it was me. I was the only girl, and the guys had made me a pretty nice life; as great as one a street rat could have.

I had thought about whether I wanted to die or kill this boy. I had finally come to grips with an answer for myself and simply mumbled: "Okay. I'll do it."

The guys set everything up and the day came. I was supposed to go to the local mall and wait for the guy I had to take out to show up at his job. I put on the best clothes I had in my backpack and walked to the mall alone. I got there and waited, and then I saw a guy who looked like the picture I had been shown walk in. He walked to American Eagle and went behind the counter. I had found my guy.

I followed after him and ended up in the store as well. I acted as if I was perusing the racks until I looked up and noticed that he was looking at me. Perfect. I smiled as I walked over to the counter.

"You finding everything okay?", Owen chuckled as I propped my head up on the counter with my arms.

"Much better, now that I've seen you", I winked with a giggle.

"Alright, alright. You're bold. I like that. I'm Owen, but you probably knew that based on my name tag", he said, gesturing to the small pin on his shirt.

I knew his name already, yes...but that wasn't why or how.

"Cute name, I'm Marley.", I smiled. This didn't feel like any of my normal clients. Then again though, I had never had the pressure of having to murder them before.

"Cute name.", he copied my words, adding a small chuckle. "So, are you from New York, just visiting, what's the story?", he asked.

I was about to answer (with full lies of course; I couldn't tell him who I really was or what I was doing, obviously) when a customer came up and Owen said "Hold on, lemme ring this up real quick."

I nodded and studied him as he rang up the girl's items and gave her the total due. He had black hair, gorgeous green eyes, black studded earrings, and a few tattoos. I had always wanted a tattoo, but Mitch had said I couldn't get one because it would make me look like a street tramp and no men would come after the drugs just for me. He had told me it would make me unattractive, so I obliged to his commands...as if I had a choice. Owen finished with the customer and turned back to me at the other side of the counter.

"What were you gonna say?", he asked.

"Oh, right," I laughed slightly. "Uh, just that I'm originally from Oklahoma, but my parents didn't like it there, so we moved to New York. My dad got a promotion which caused him to say we had to move to Indiana, but I didn't want to leave because I loved it here so much. I was already 18 by then, and I decided to stay behind as my parents and sister moved away. So here I am! In the great New York. All on my own", I smiled. I had gotten so good at lying at this point.

"Cool! So how old are you now?", he asked, leaning down so that his head was propped up on his hand.

"18 still, 19 in a couple months".

He nodded. Another lie; I was 17, and my 17th birthday had just passed.

"So, what about you?", I asked.

"What about me?", he smiled.

"You made me tell you about myself, so now it's your turn. Who is Owen?", I repeated my question.

"Oh. Well, I'm from Arizona, I'm 19, and I moved out here to pursue my singing career better. I have a sister named Elena, and she's my best friend, I couldn't ask for a better sibling. My career hasn't grown much, but that's okay, it will. I'm still young, I like to think I have time left. Good enough?", he explained, and then questioned.

"Good enough.", I replied, smiling. I couldn't stop smiling, and I didn't know why.

It was then that I realized I could never kill this boy.

I didn't know what I was going to do; I didn't want to die, but I couldn't do it. The guys had made me tough, but not tough enough for this.

He laughed slightly, and I took it as an opportunity to say goodbye.

"Well, Owen, it was great talking to you, but I ought to be going now", I said.

"Same to you, Marley. See you around", he replied, nodding.

"Bye!", I waved sweetly, still smiling.

I was almost out the door when: "Wait, Marley!", I turned around to see Owen in front of me again.

"Could I… get your number?", he asked.

If only I had a phone.

"I --uh...I actually don't have a phone. I'm sorry."

It sounded like a lie, but it was the plain truth.

"Oh..", his smile dropped. He probably thought I was lying.

"Oh!, wait. I could give you my flatmate's number? He gets how tough things are for me right now so he lets me borrow his when I need it until I’m able to afford my own, ya know.", I tried to make sure he didn't think I was lying.

"Okay. It's definitely better than nothing.", he said as he smiled and handed me his phone to type the number in.

I didn't live in a flat, and there was no roommate. Mitch had a phone, but he wouldn't allow me to get one, so I typed in his number under the contact of 'Mar :)', and handed the phone back to Owen.

"Thanks", Wes sent me a warm smile and I walked out of the store completely, as he went back to his position behind the counter.

How was I supposed to do this?

I cannot do this. I can't kill him.

I didn't know what I was going to do.

Owen was such a nice guy. He was so unsuspecting and innocent. I could never do this.

Owen wasn't even the threat to us; it was some people a friend of his was involved with, after all. I didn't want to kill anyone, but if I had to, why not one of them?

After he told me about his sister, I thought about my own. Her name was Anna, and she was three years older than me. But once Dad--I shouldn't even call him that, he wasn't a father. Steven, rather--lost his job, she was gone. She said she was moving to make herself a better life, and I haven't seen her a second since then. Heather, who was my mother solely by birth and nothing else, didn't care any more than the man in the moon about me or my sister. To make matters even worse, she lost her job two months after Steven did. Life was a disaster for us.

Steven died later that year, then Heather committed on herself, and suddenly I was by myself.

Nevertheless, I started thinking about how alone I felt when Anna left me. Now I would be making this sister of his (Elena, I believe was her name?) feel exactly how I did, and I couldn't even stop it from happening. 

At least, not if I wanted to keep my own life.

I had been walking back to the 'established estate of my business' as I tried to grapple with what my reality truly was. The ‘established estate’ title I gave being much more gracious than what others called it. I had heard a variation of names, including but not limited to: the place with the hot slut (aka, seventeen-year-old me), sex central, drug avenue, the first convenience store on the highway to hell, the dumpster-hole behind Lee Street, and so many more.

My worn and faded tennis shoes stopped at the door of our ‘building’. Who was I kidding? It was a shack held together by nothing more than the mere faith of Mitch that it would stay. I did the official knock we had established and I was let in.

"Woah, back already? That was a quick one.", Mitch slurred from the poker table in the corner.

"Um, actually...", I dreaded finishing my sentence. "Actually, I'm not sure why but Owen never showed up...", I tried to lie.

I think I succeeded because Mitch just said, "Don't ever use his name, darling. He's nothing but dead to us, he's good as bones. That's who he is, Bones.", he slurred and laughed. Then he motioned for Rob to pass over the joint they were smoking. Even if my lie had been as opaque as a glass windowpane, Mitch wouldn't have known. He was high out of his mind; right now, he probably couldn't tell the difference in the sky and the ocean.

"Mar Mar, oh honey, come smoke it with us", Tobias mumbled out with barely recognizable words. He took the joint back from Mitch and held it out. "No thanks, I'm good today", I said as I started to head out for a walk alone. While I was closing the door, I heard Daryl say, "You always are."

Okay, so this is the basic rundown. I had never done it. Any of it. I had never gotten high off of any drugs or even tasted alcohol. Hell, I had never even lifted a cigarette to my lips. I just helped sell the vile stuff.

Correction, my body helped sell the vile stuff.

I just didn't want to end up like Steven. I also never wanted to marry someone like him, and end up on the other side of it, like Heather.

I tried to think of other things like how poor my family life was, but my eyes kept seeing the same thing and my brain kept saying the same thing. It all came back to the same spot.

Back to Owen. I didn't want to put him in harm, but I didn't want to find myself in it either.

One of us had to be in it, though. 

I couldn't call the police and turn on the guys; they were the closest thing I had to any family whatsoever. And besides that point, if I did call the police and they found out, I would be labeled as a traitor. They would definitely kill me and run. Besides, what phone would I use to call the authorities with?

Phone.

I needed to go sneak Mitch's phone while I could. I wanted to talk to Owen. I needed to talk to Owen. I reverted my body and sneaked back inside to search for the phone. It was on the counter by the sink. I made the diversion that I was out looking at flowers and some sticky dew got on my hands so I needed to wash them.

"Always picking them damn flowers. Always trying to be a ray of sunshine. Always sickening us", Rizz mumbled.

I just rolled my eyes and walked out. Not many comments from the guys phase me much anymore. I'm used to it. When I was new and fourteen, it was so much worse. 

I mean, imagine being fourteen and put in a dark back room, told to strip off your clothes and put on a pure, see-through black lace corset that pushed up any chest area I had. I didn't have much of anything, as I was still growing, so the men put me on steroids to speed up the process. They made me come into their rooms, alone, nightly for a check on how I was developing. Every night.

They swore it was so they could see my developments, but I still believe it was purely to see me because of how quickly things began happening against my will. Mind you, the youngest of these men was in his forties, the oldest being sixty-one now. Yes. It was definitely just so they could see me. They're just perverts. And bastards. God, that's really all they are. But, they provide my necessities when I have nothing. Not that the necessities are much. Three water bottles a week, and we usually had makeshift dinners twice a week– more when they're feeling generous, or I offered extra sex to a new customer in order to get us more money.

See, the guys have worked this thing out; the more drugs you buy, the more time with me you get. Awful, I know, but who am I to do anything about any of it? My role in all of this was to just be grateful I wasn’t dead yet.

I grabbed the phone and I walked for about three minutes so I would have enough distance from the guys. I walked a little faster and farther until I got to a high point in the land. I liked to call it my 'safe haven'. I just liked to lay there and forget about it all. Just lay and be safe.

I looked at the phone's clock. 6;43. I wondered what time Owen got off of work. I wondered what it was like to have a real job. I wondered what it was like to have a normal life.

I was wondering for some time, as evidence showed when I looked back at the time and it was 7:37. For almost an hour I had been here, sitting in the wind, just wondering.

Wondering and wandering. Those were my hobbies.

A noise startled me until I recognized it as the ringtone of Mitch’s phone.

"Mar! Hey! This is Owen, from the mall", he spoke cheerily.

God, I could never… 

"Oh, hey, Owen! What's up?", I tried to fake the normal teen girl act as well as I could.

"Nothing much, you?"

"Nope. Not really", I chucked.

"Wow. The life of teens is such a wild one, am I right", he laughed into the line.

If only you knew. "Oh, I know", I said as monotonous as I could, trying to make him see that I agreed with him through the speaker. He chuckled momentarily and then spoke.

"Hey, so I was just wondering, am I gonna see you back in the store again anytime soon?"

"Not sure...I'm kinda broke right now, you know?"

You're always broke, Mar. No, Owen doesn't know. He will never know like you do

."Aren't we all?," he laughed a small laugh and then someone--his sister?-- could be heard talking to him. "Yeah, Elena, I'm coming. Just wait a second.", he said. 

Yeah. It was his sister. And Elena was her name.

"Sorry, Marley...I gotta go...I'll try to talk to you soon, okay?", his voice echoed through the speaker. I could just imagine the way his nose was scrunched up all adorably and his eyebrows were furrowed, just waiting for my response.

"Okay", I said with a smile; although he couldn't see it.

"Alright", he said as he hung up.

And then the line was dead.

And I went back to wondering. 

How did I end up in this life, and more importantly, how do I get out of it?

But perhaps most important of all, how was I supposed to save myself and… Owen?