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Sad Creative Nonfiction

"I do not know how to tell you this. I am sorry for being so distant. But the truth is, I have depression. It was time I told you. I just didn't know-how. I want to stop playing pretend. I really am not fine. I am numb, I do not want to keep living like this. I know no happiness. I know no end to this constant sadness." She looked at me for a second then laughed. I tried not to be angry at Gabby. She thought I was kidding, I wasn't being taken seriously. Gabby looked me up and down. "You laugh, you smile. You don't seem THAT sad. Anyway, what is there to be sad about? You have so much to be happy about! You have me, a house, food, family, a job, clothes."


I sighed. "You don't understand. I don't have happiness or joy. I laugh only because I am expected to. I smile to hide my pain so no one will worry. I am sad about how much of a disappointment I am. How I feel that I don't deserve to breathe. I feel like a mistake. I was never supposed to be here. I shouldn't be here. I hid my pain so no one would know how sad I really am. I thought YOU would care." Gabby shook her head. "Oh Ethan, I do care, I really do. It's just that, well, you really have nothing to be sad about. You are so lucky, there is so much joy in life." I looked at her. "You have asthma." Gabby rolled her eyes. "Yeah, so?" I imitated her voice," Oh, but there is so much air though. How could you have asthma?" Gabby was silent.


"Every night for three years I prayed to God I would die in my sleep. I prayed that I would never have to see the light of day again. I want be happy, but I feel only nothingness." Gabby smiled. "Then just cheer up!"


I facepalmed. "Oh, gee, why didn't I think of that? Gabby, you are not listening to me. You don't understand. You will never understand. This deep hatred I have for myself will not go away by simply just not thinking of how much sadness I have. If I could just "cheer up" I would. But I can't. I WANT to die. I am just too afraid to. I do not know what lies on the other side. More suffering? Nothingness? I feel like a burden, a waste of space, a needy, clingy human being who only brings other people down with them." 


Gabby muttered. "You sure are bringing me down."


I stood up angrily. "You know how many times I have cried myself to sleep, with the knowledge that I do not deserve to live? That everyone wants me dead anyway? How much I hurt inside? How I hide my suffering so no one would pity me? Do you even KNOW that I attempted suicide? Do you even care? 

Gabby looked up. "YOU TRIED TO DIE! HOW COULD YOU! THAT IS SO SELFISH! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO US! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!" 


I yelled at her. "SELFISH?! I AM DOING THIS FOR EVERYONE! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! WHAT I ATTEMPTED WAS NOT SELFISH, IT WAS SELFLESS! I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION! IT FEELS LIKES IT IS FOR THE BEST! I AM DROWNING IN MY OWN EMOTIONS! IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE IS WATCHING ME AS I SINK DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO MY DEPRESSION MY WORST ENEMY IS ME! I HATE ME! I CANNOT ESCAPE ME! I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS! I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF! THIS WEIGHT I FEEL DOES NOT GO AWAY SIMPLY BY THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS! WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???"


Gabby started to cry. I starting to cry too. "You cannot understand. Every waking hour is a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. Nights are no better. I dream of every failure I have ever had. I feel alone. It's not your fault. All the days bleed together. I am numb. I have spent hours isolated, emotionally, physically. Every day feels colder. This is a cry for help. Here you are, laughing at me. This is what I was afraid of. Rejection. Humilitan. Why would I fake this? This is serious. I tried fixing this myself, I can only think of one way out! Gabby, I don't want to take that way. I just need someone to help me.


Gabby whispered. "I am so sorry. Do you need to go to the hospital?"


That hurt worse. "NO. Gabby. I do not need to be in a looney bin where I am fed pills like a rabbit. I just need you. I just need someone to CARE. This took so much courage. I thought I was just sad. I didn't want to bother anyone. I stayed away. I hid how I really felt. My whole life is black and white. I see no color, no joy. Truth is Gabby, I love you. You bring me joy. After I hid myself away, no one came looking for me. I wanted someone to come for me. For someone to care. But I thought it was for the best that everyone stayed away. Gabby, you are my best friend, I figured if anyone should know how I feel, it would be you."


Gabby looked up, her face streaked with tears. Her voice trembled. "Ethan, I didn't know. You had been withdrawn, I should have asked. I didn't know. I didn't know. Before you go, is there something that I can do to make it all stop hurting?"


I shook my head. "I do not know. Not yet. I just need time, and you. If you will do it. Please, I do not mean. . ."


She put a finger on my lips and kissed me.


I held her, she fit perfectly into my arms. I buried my face in her raven hair. I felt her chest heave. I whispered in her ear. 


"Please, I don't need pity. I just need you."






January 11, 2021 03:08

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9 comments

Hey there Kylie! Loved this stupendous story! :)

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Bella Shah
19:01 Jan 11, 2021

woah. Kinda intense, like we were talking about earlier, but still a wonderful story :D nice work #classicwritingsquad bella

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Kylie Rudolf
19:10 Jan 11, 2021

Thank you!

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Kylie Rudolf
22:46 Jan 14, 2021

Thank you!

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Kylie Rudolf
18:53 Jan 11, 2021

I will try to be, just it is that somedays I never feel good enough. I have to face amazing authors like yourself everyday.

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Lonnie Hall
18:49 Jan 11, 2021

You have talent, please don't apologize for that. Stop being a mouse and be the creative dragon you are meant to be.

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Kylie Rudolf
03:22 Jan 11, 2021

I am sorry everyone, not my best story.

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Ajay Kumar Nair
13:07 Jan 19, 2021

Our presence is the best gift we can offer, "Please, I don't need pity. I just need you." that hit hard.

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Kylie Rudolf
15:12 Jan 19, 2021

I know. I struggled with depression for a while and pity doesn't help at all. It makes you feel worse. What helped me out of that dark time was the love people gave me. That person I needed was my mother. I hoped this story would be a little bit of insight for people who have a friend going through some things. Telling them to "cheer up" or "get over it" doesn't work or help. If we would, we could be happy. But that is what depression is. It sucks away at your soul, draining you. So just thinking happy thoughts doesn't always work. Thank yo...

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