Panic Room

Adrianna used to be my best friend.

But now, she’s gone, and nobody knows how, or where she is. “Careful around that girl,” my mother always said to me. 

Depressed; that’s what many people said she was. Extraordinary, that was what my teacher used to call her.. Finished; that was what our friendship was, because nobody knew where she and her family were.

“Girls are like that, sometimes they just…disappear, Sophia. He!! knows what happened to that one, though.”

If she really actually meant to disappear from my life, it was clear she didn’t care about me. Just like most of the people who actually tolerate me. 

Karma. Life is difficult, and karma is an interesting idea. My sister, Julie, said she got what she deserved, like karma works. Not like I actually agree with her, although a part of my mind nags me to do so.

Other than that, she was a pretty decent person overall, and a pretty good friend. Perhaps if I’d treated her a little better, she wouldn’t have left me. Questions are a difficult matter for me, too. Really, I have a million questions about her—the biggest one being why.

Suicide. That is everyone’s answer to my question of what happened. That, and half the people I ask shrug or shake their heads or just plain ignore me. Ultimately, I cannot get a true answer out of anyone I ask. 

Vibrant lights shine above my head as I lie in my bed, waiting for my mother to yell at me to get up. 

Wish I could sleep in longer, I don’t really want to go to school today, especially not without Adrianna.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3 music comes from downstairs. Yesterday, my little sister got up in the middle of the night to play that game. Zesty Lemon-Orange scent comes from the open perfume bottle on my nightstand. Julie probably wanted to use that. She is always so obsessed with the way she looks and smells and is, in general. How did she come to have a sister like me, socially awkward and overall not that great at anything?

I finally sighed and rolled out of bed, landing on the dusty floorboards of my attic bedroom with a fwomp. Julie yelled a few cuss words at the game, and I heard a crash as she threw the controller at something. I screwed the top back on my perfume bottle, and left it outside her room as a little ‘please don’t kill me’ gift.

We were a weird family. And we didn’t want anyone to see that, so the curtains in our kitchen were always closed. Closed so that nobody could see Julie yelling at my mother, nobody could see my father stumbling around the kitchen, drunk. So that nobody could see me, crying into my math papers, mad at Julie and Adrianna and my father and the world.

My mother was slumped on the couch, staring blankly at the flashing TV. That was the cue for me to make my own lunch and actually keep track of the time this morning. My father was gone, as expected. I guessed I didn’t have to go to school today, but I was going anyway. Just in case she eventually snapped out of it, and dragged me into the car and pushed me straight into a class, in the middle of when the teacher was talking.

I checked the clock, and had a sudden panic attack. It was 6:55. The bus was coming in two minutes.

I shoved a half-frozen waffle down my throat, then, still chewing through my waffle-rock, called to Julie, “We’re gwnna bwe lwate!”

“I’m not going!” she yelled back.

“It’s the first day, you have to!” I stormed into the living room and shoved her backpack and a muffin into her hands.

“Ugh!” Julie groaned, this time shouting a series of curses at me. I looked out the window quickly, and saw the bus. And a green-haired girl climbing on.

“Julie, we have new neighbors,” I said in a low voice.

“Coming!” she threw the game console on the floor, and grabbed her muffin.

I ran outside, the cold air blowing my short, black, messy head of hair back at my face. I ran to catch up with the bus, which was slowly pulling away, and eventually screeched to a stop. I ran up the aisle, past the new girl, and sat in the empty seat closest to the back. Julie joined her friend, Dawn, close to the front, and soon the air was filled with their chatter and the sounds of everyone’s social media on their phones.

I sighed and opened a journal, which was filled with my poetry. I wasn’t good at any subject in school, until we had a poetry unit in Language Arts. And then, my third-grade teacher was so surprised at my work, she thought that I was cheating and looking up poems online to copy. She gave me a zero, but still hung up the poem on our class’s poetry board. Everyone was so surprised to see Sophia Miyabi’s name on the best poem in the class. I still missed those days.

Back in third grade, I had two best friends. One was Adrianna, of course, but the other one was named Talie. She was so great–always laughed and was super energetic all the time to lighten up the loner vibe from me and Adrianna. Then, she met the ‘popular group’—which, today, consists of Talie, Mira, Jace, Maggi, Weston, and of course, the “queen bee”, Lexi.

I could still hear the giggles of Adrianna, bubbling up and around me, her taking huge gasps of breath, because when I got her laughing, she’d never stop…

My heart started to race and my palms were sweaty. I was now gasping, and the kids around me were starting to stare.

That made me panic more. Calm, Sophia, she’s not haunting you, they’re not laughing at you…

Eventually, my breathing slowed, and I flipped to a section in my notebook labeled: Panic Attacks.

9/7/24: 2

I sighed and started to scribble out a drawing of a dragon in my notebook. Of all the things I loved to do, I loved to draw the most. It helped calm me down, and I was allowed to do it whenever, since all my teachers knew about it (although it did annoy them a little bit).

As soon as the dragon was done, I scribbled an age and gender, and then put down a name after thinking for a little bit.

Darkness.

Still didn’t help at all.

I groaned and took out my iPod. I didn’t have a phone yet, and I had no want or need for one, so I stole my mom’s earbuds and my dad’s old iPod from his college roommate. I had to erase all the data, because he had so much on there I couldn’t just erase his library. And it pained me to do so, that was the one connection I had left to my real dad, the one I knew when I was little.

I scrolled down into my library, and clicked on a song called Panic Room. It started to play. That song gave me shivers, but it was a good song to listen to when Adrianna’s spirit was sitting right next to me. It seemed to scare her off, scare all my fears off, for two short minutes.

I leaned back in my seat and watched the bright blue sky whizz by. That sky wouldn’t stay blue forever.

It would turn gray eventually.

***

I hated my homeroom.

It was just a bunch of kids I didn't know. Lexi, Talie, a few annoying boys, a group of half-popular girls, and sitting next to me, a mint-haired girl with nails that had been bitten till they bled. And normally, I don't mind anxious people, because they're so like me. But when the girl twisted around in her seat to give me a smile, those eyes...I was sure they'd haunt me forever.

They were Adrianna's.

I tasted blood as I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears from flowing. Don't feel it. Forget her.

"Hey, Sophia."

The same quiet voice beside me I'd been trying to ignore for the past hour.

"What?" I sighed. I didn't dare turn around, she would give me my fourth panic attack today.

"I found this on the floor. Do you want it?" she held the item in front of me.

"I really don--" I broke off as I noticed what it was.

Adrianna's hair clip. The same silver heart she'd worn the last day I'd seen her.

"Who...are you?" I breathed, taking the clip from her.

"Juniper. A normal ninth-grader, like you," Juniper answered.

"That's a weird name," I said, and immediately I regretted it. She was my one hope, and now it was gone, and I'm all alo--

"Well, then," Juniper gave me a tiny smile. "I guess we're partners in weird."

"Oh--!" I gave her a grin. "Wow, you remind me of my old best friend."

"What was her name?" Juniper asked.

I swallowed hard. "Adrianna," I whispered.

"I knew an Adrianna," Juniper replied quietly.

"Suicide."

"What?"

"She committed suicide. I'll never see her again..." Now tears were streaming down my face. Now, Lexi and Talie had noticed me and were staring and whispering. My breath came in short gasps.

No. No, no, no, no!

Suddenly, I felt a strong, warm hand around mine.

Like Adrianna's...

Somehow, the thought made me stronger. I looked up and gave Juniper a smile.

After all, no matter what I did, Adrianna would always be with me.

And the best thing I could do for her was remember her.

I pushed the heart hairclip into my short hair.

And my new friend smiled, squeezing my hand tighter.

We stayed like that until it was time for us to leave each other, but I left with a feeling of floatiness.

Because life can be better.

And maybe, just maybe, Juniper can help me and Adrianna escape our panic room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~