But wait—there's more!

Submitted into Contest #156 in response to: Write a story about a pathological liar.... view prompt

74 comments

American Funny Inspirational

Are you staring at your phone, waiting impatiently for a monosyllabic message from your mercurial lover to magically appear?

Are you tired of sharing the intimate details of your life over cold nachos and watery margaritas with some bae from Bumble—only to be discarded three weeks later?

Do you find yourself being a magnet for megalomaniacs, a sucker for swindlers, a filling station for philanderers? 

If so, you need to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  

During your next crying jag, download the app by weeping directly onto the You Are Being Ridiculous!™  icon. Through the wonders of technology, your tears will be instantly analyzed to see if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  

Your friends may have clued you in already because they don’t want to hear about your failed relationship anymore—but when you are ready for a Cold Hard Truth Sandwich, we will hold the bologna! 

Perhaps you are entangled with a soulmate, or maybe it’s some average schmuck who has a treasure trove of antisocial personality disorders? 

Maybe you’ve found a fallen angel who needs to overcome their childhood trauma, or maybe you landed a turd that needs to be flushed?

Either way, take the patented You Are Being Ridiculous!™ assessment, developed by licensed professional interns at Cosmopolitan magazine to see exactly why you give that complete loser the time of day. 

But wait—there's more!

For nine installments of $19.99, we will send your results to the TikTok therapist of your choice—because nothing says quality mental health counseling like an older white woman in an ill-fitting suit awkwardly dancing to “My Money Don’t Jiggle Jiggle, It Folds.” Why worry about oversimplification when Louis Theroux is spitting rhymes for y'all in the background track? 

So, are you ready to quit waking up in the middle of the night to confide in your new best friend, the ceiling? Are you ready to systemically deal with the fear, control, and power issues you have inside your own skull? 

Then throw away those tissue boxes, complete the following, and get ready to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  



Part 1 - MULTIPLE CHOICE

Directions: Read the question and select the answer that best fits the prompt. 


`1. In countless Disney’s movies, Prince Charming generally comes to rescue the doe-eyed Princess to make all of her dreams come true. When viewing “true love’s first kiss,” you: 


A. Weep with joy at the predestined meeting of twin flames


B. Look at the Princess’s sidekicks as toxic friends who cause far more trouble than they're worth

C. Wonder how screwed up you are by ingesting such definitive gender and body image stereotypes at such a young age


2. When lovers text “I miss you” or “I love you”—after ghosting you so many times that you’ve become a zombie—do you:


A. Weep with joy that they’ve found themselves and rush back to their lukewarm embraces 


B. Recognize the cheap “check in” as a dopamine jolt for their own overinflated egos


C. Nothing. You’ve blocked them on everything, so their faux-emotional sputtering lives only in their narcissistic minds as well as in the ash heap of "Messages Not Delivered"  


3. When you confront your provisional partner for becoming more distant and less accessible, they reply by saying: “I’m just so busy right now.” This is a clear sign that you are:


A. Valued and trusted. Why else would they be so vulnerable with you, expressing how overwhelmed they are—with the exact same things they were doing before you two had met?

B. Mishearing what they are actually saying. Instead of accepting “I’m just so busy right now,” add the subordinate clause: “because I’m looking for your replacement since you’ve figured out my basic lack of compassion and inclination for exploitative behavior.” 


C. Laughing your butt off with your friends at a chain restaurant. While you shove half-priced appetizers into your gob, you show screenshots of pathetic text messages from your future ex. (“They can’t even text its/it’s or your/you’re correctly. How could you have fallen in love with someone who can’t differentiate between possessive pronouns and contractions?”)


Part 2 - FILL IN THE BLANK

Directions: Use the word bank to complete the following sentences: 

  • Low self-esteem
  • Empathy
  • Love bombing

They talk about themselves and their problems all the time, giving little consideration to what is happening in your life. They don’t lack __________; you’re just a safe space!

It’s not __________ ; it’s normal for people to bring you a diamonelle necklace on the first date—then forget your birthday two months later. 

Maybe it’s not __________. Maybe they habitually lie for no reason whatsoever. 


Part 3 - NUMERIC RESPONSE 

Directions: Read the word problems below and write your answer in the space provided. Show your work, especially when calculating how pathological liars multiply problems, divide consequences, add misery, and subtract peace. 

  1.  Of the total number of lies your duplicitous partner has fed you over the course of your relationship, calculate the percentage of white lies, broken promises, fabrications, and bold-face lies. Make a pie chart. Then go buy an entire pie and eat it in despair. 
  2. Calculate the sum total of a narcissist's charm, factoring out their innate skill for creative storytelling and animated performances in front of a crowd. Weigh the silence on the ride home alone with you in comparison to the effervescent raconteur who dazzled your friends. 
  3. Graph your cortisol levels. Especially when that jackass is around. 


Part 4 - SHORT ESSAY

Directions: Pick one of the following topics and write a well-constructed essay with a clear thesis, elaboration, and support. Or frankly, rant. You do you. Do whatever you need to get through the day until you realize your self-worth and send them packing. 

  • Topic 1: When you confront your romantic partner about their persistent lies with incontrovertible evidence, how entertaining is their denial? When faking their outrage or shock, which Looney Tunes character do they turn into—Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, or Foghorn Leghorn?
  • Topic 2: Why do you put up with it? 
  • Topic 3: No, seriously. Why? 


Thanks for taking the You Are Being Ridiculous!™   assessment. Your results will be texted to you in 2-4 weeks, but c’mon.

You’re being ridiculous. 

They’re liars.

Move on. 


(You Are Being Ridiculous!™  is a subsidiary of Thanks, I’m Cured™ )

July 24, 2022 16:51

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

74 comments

Aeris Walker
00:01 Aug 01, 2022

I definitely snort laughed a few times while reading this one, especially at these lines: “During your next crying jag, download the app by weeping directly onto the You Are Being Ridiculous!™ icon.” —-Lol!!! “Make a pie chart. Then go buy an entire pie and eat it in despair.” —-yes, eat your feelings. Love your sense of humor—this did not disappoint :)

Reply

10:36 Aug 03, 2022

Aeris! Thanks for taking time out of your writing schedule to drop by — appreciate the comment 🎁 and look forward to the podcast and hearing about your process ✍️ 😀

Reply

Aeris Walker
11:49 Aug 03, 2022

As am I! 😅 I’ve so enjoy getting to “meet” the other writers through your platform…what a great idea.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Felice Noelle
17:44 Jul 31, 2022

Deidra; I applaud you on another hilarious, well-crafted, cynical treatment of the universality of the human condition...romantically speaking. There are many outlandish, yet humanly accurate, statements. I was laughing through the remembered pain. Earlier I wrote a story about my and my husband's reactions to a Cosmo love survey I actually filled out maybe thirty or forty years ago. And then made the mistake of following the author's suggestion to share the results with my husband. By the time we had both recovered from the damage o...

Reply

17:51 Jul 31, 2022

Maureen — You are the sweetest! Hope all is well in Florida. Jim and I moved backed to Virginia — it’s so good to be home! We’re at the age when coming full circle ⭕️ means everything. It’s been great reconnecting with family and friends. I took my last teaching job at a rural high school — I plan a final decade of trying to transmit culture, come hell or high water or social media. If Hamlet is forgotten, it won’t be on my watch! Lots of love ❤️ to you and yours!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Zelda C. Thorne
17:07 Jul 31, 2022

Brilliant. And painfully true. This made me recall some personal lowlights- "Weigh the silence on the ride home alone with you in comparison to the effervescent raconteur who dazzled your friends. " Creative and clever, as usual 👏👏

Reply

17:19 Jul 31, 2022

Thanks, R. All learned by personal painful experience. Just glad I managed to luck 🍀 out in the husband department. A happy accident, as I usually pick out selfish, emotionally handicapped narcissists. So thanks to the endless parade of dumpster fires 🔥 that I dated before him to make me appreciate “Hyperion to a satyr” ❤️

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
16:37 Jul 31, 2022

The story is amusing and true to the name of the topic😄

Reply

10:38 Aug 03, 2022

Glad the humor paid off

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Zoë Page
11:59 Jul 31, 2022

I'm obsessed! This is my first time properly reading your writing, and it definitely won't be the last. There's so many little details in here that got me laughing and wanting to read more I can't even list them all. It's so perfectly ironic and fitted around current generations (the nod to "your favourite TikTok therapist" was great)! Definitely will be reading more of your stories :)!

Reply

14:30 Jul 31, 2022

What a compliment! Thanks for the shot of dopamine. Woo hoo! Some of the stories are definitely better than others. (Some should be burned immediately...) For best overall feedback, this particular story story I wrote for Reedsy (which won) but then I sold to a Canadian group: https://deidrawhittlovegren.com/2020/01/the-plays-the-thing/

Reply

Zoë Page
14:58 Jul 31, 2022

Thanks, I'll check that out some time!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Faith Ogedegbe
09:29 Jul 31, 2022

You are a great writer. I always admire your works. Every contest week, I always read your work. Please, I will love to be mentored by you on writing skills. I am anticipating a response from you about that.

Reply

10:40 Aug 03, 2022

Thanks, Faith! I began teaching high school this term, so my time is very limited. If you have specific questions, shoot me an email 📧 It’s in my bio.

Reply

Faith Ogedegbe
16:41 Aug 04, 2022

I appreciate you . I have sent an email to you. Thank you.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Richa Jain
02:43 Jul 31, 2022

If I could write this witty, I would never stop! Good work on this one.

Reply

10:38 Aug 03, 2022

Thanks, Richa!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Mike Panasitti
01:31 Jul 30, 2022

Although this is definitely not a literary analogue to a John Hughes film (far too experimental for that), there's something lurking beneath the surface here that longs for simpler, more honest romantic times. Did they ever exist? The form and content of our media have consequences for the form and content of our emotional lives. Perhaps in today's world, where so many people seem to be caught up with filming themselves jiggling, folding Franklins and serving up romance that requires the attention span of a TikTok video, lasting love has...

Reply

10:45 Aug 03, 2022

Mike! How is the memoir coming? I’d love to be an early reader — I’m such a huge fan of you and your work. You pose very profound questions here. Not surprised, since you are the most educated man on the west coast…the Philosophy of Panasitti should be on everyone’s bookshelf. Next to the stoics. How can a digital life — and an accompanying digital love life — ever match the slow, unfolding pace of “real” life? Pepperidge Farm remembers 👵🏻

Reply

Mike Panasitti
16:47 Aug 03, 2022

Farmer John remembers, too, except they've closed down the slaughterhouse that continues to be an L.A. landmark. The memoir is still evolving in the covert form of Foley Gasper stories, the last of which wasn't so great. But you might enjoy my latest science fiction creation. Check it out, and please be liberal with the red ink. Take care, Deidra, and I enjoyed your and Russell's hosting of Michal last week.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Jay Mc Kenzie
07:33 Jul 28, 2022

Haha! This is a fantastic read. So many people I know need to read this. And it's hilarious. Take a bow!

Reply

13:13 Jul 28, 2022

Thanks Jay! As long as you laughed, that is payment indeed. Thanks for taking time out of your very hectic schedule to read my drivel. Still waiting for the podcast date -- your fans await :) Thanks for all of your support and wonderful writing. *hug*

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Michał Przywara
20:52 Jul 25, 2022

Ha, I can just *hear* the title :) It's a very creative story format, and all around funny. But I think there's people out there who could get some real benefit out of actually going through the questions. Part 1 is structured by first offering up the relatable choice, then gradually walking the reader through alternate ways of looking at the situation, until you get to the "right" answer. The other parts build on this, so going through the parts is an act of discovery. I put "right" in quotes because I'm sure there's people out there to...

Reply

22:58 Jul 25, 2022

Przy, I do love when you succinctly explain my stories, and this was a sprawling mess of one. You always make a silk purse out of a sow's ear! You make a pile of words look profound :) Yes, lies and delusions abound in matters of the heart. We are such fools, especially when we live on the breadcrumbs that disinterested lovers throw out like chum. Why do we settle for so little? Are we that afraid to live alone (thanks for that insight, Dustin James Gillham!) What a reckoning there is when the aggrieved party has had enough. I remember ...

Reply

Jay Mc Kenzie
07:36 Jul 28, 2022

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"

Reply

13:17 Jul 28, 2022

"Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs." Oooo and this from Othello: "I humbly do beseech of your pardon, For too much of loving you."

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply