Are you staring at your phone, waiting impatiently for a monosyllabic message from your mercurial lover to magically appear?
Are you tired of sharing the intimate details of your life over cold nachos and watery margaritas with some bae from Bumble—only to be discarded three weeks later?
Do you find yourself being a magnet for megalomaniacs, a sucker for swindlers, a filling station for philanderers?
If so, you need to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™
During your next crying jag, download the app by weeping directly onto the You Are Being Ridiculous!™ icon. Through the wonders of technology, your tears will be instantly analyzed to see if You Are Being Ridiculous!™
Your friends may have clued you in already because they don’t want to hear about your failed relationship anymore—but when you are ready for a Cold Hard Truth Sandwich, we will hold the bologna!
Perhaps you are entangled with a soulmate, or maybe it’s some average schmuck who has a treasure trove of antisocial personality disorders?
Maybe you’ve found a fallen angel who needs to overcome their childhood trauma, or maybe you landed a turd that needs to be flushed?
Either way, take the patented You Are Being Ridiculous!™ assessment, developed by licensed professional interns at Cosmopolitan magazine to see exactly why you give that complete loser the time of day.
But wait—there's more!
For nine installments of $19.99, we will send your results to the TikTok therapist of your choice—because nothing says quality mental health counseling like an older white woman in an ill-fitting suit awkwardly dancing to “My Money Don’t Jiggle Jiggle, It Folds.” Why worry about oversimplification when Louis Theroux is spitting rhymes for y'all in the background track?
So, are you ready to quit waking up in the middle of the night to confide in your new best friend, the ceiling? Are you ready to systemically deal with the fear, control, and power issues you have inside your own skull?
Then throw away those tissue boxes, complete the following, and get ready to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™
Part 1 - MULTIPLE CHOICE
Directions: Read the question and select the answer that best fits the prompt.
`1. In countless Disney’s movies, Prince Charming generally comes to rescue the doe-eyed Princess to make all of her dreams come true. When viewing “true love’s first kiss,” you:
A. Weep with joy at the predestined meeting of twin flames
B. Look at the Princess’s sidekicks as toxic friends who cause far more trouble than they're worth
C. Wonder how screwed up you are by ingesting such definitive gender and body image stereotypes at such a young age
2. When lovers text “I miss you” or “I love you”—after ghosting you so many times that you’ve become a zombie—do you:
A. Weep with joy that they’ve found themselves and rush back to their lukewarm embraces
B. Recognize the cheap “check in” as a dopamine jolt for their own overinflated egos
C. Nothing. You’ve blocked them on everything, so their faux-emotional sputtering lives only in their narcissistic minds as well as in the ash heap of "Messages Not Delivered"
3. When you confront your provisional partner for becoming more distant and less accessible, they reply by saying: “I’m just so busy right now.” This is a clear sign that you are:
A. Valued and trusted. Why else would they be so vulnerable with you, expressing how overwhelmed they are—with the exact same things they were doing before you two had met?
B. Mishearing what they are actually saying. Instead of accepting “I’m just so busy right now,” add the subordinate clause: “because I’m looking for your replacement since you’ve figured out my basic lack of compassion and inclination for exploitative behavior.”
C. Laughing your butt off with your friends at a chain restaurant. While you shove half-priced appetizers into your gob, you show screenshots of pathetic text messages from your future ex. (“They can’t even text its/it’s or your/you’re correctly. How could you have fallen in love with someone who can’t differentiate between possessive pronouns and contractions?”)
Part 2 - FILL IN THE BLANK
Directions: Use the word bank to complete the following sentences:
- Low self-esteem
- Love bombing
They talk about themselves and their problems all the time, giving little consideration to what is happening in your life. They don’t lack __________; you’re just a safe space!
It’s not __________ ; it’s normal for people to bring you a diamonelle necklace on the first date—then forget your birthday two months later.
Maybe it’s not __________. Maybe they habitually lie for no reason whatsoever.
Part 3 - NUMERIC RESPONSE
Directions: Read the word problems below and write your answer in the space provided. Show your work, especially when calculating how pathological liars multiply problems, divide consequences, add misery, and subtract peace.
- Of the total number of lies your duplicitous partner has fed you over the course of your relationship, calculate the percentage of white lies, broken promises, fabrications, and bold-face lies. Make a pie chart. Then go buy an entire pie and eat it in despair.
- Calculate the sum total of a narcissist's charm, factoring out their innate skill for creative storytelling and animated performances in front of a crowd. Weigh the silence on the ride home alone with you in comparison to the effervescent raconteur who dazzled your friends.
- Graph your cortisol levels. Especially when that jackass is around.
Part 4 - SHORT ESSAY
Directions: Pick one of the following topics and write a well-constructed essay with a clear thesis, elaboration, and support. Or frankly, rant. You do you. Do whatever you need to get through the day until you realize your self-worth and send them packing.
- Topic 1: When you confront your romantic partner about their persistent lies with incontrovertible evidence, how entertaining is their denial? When faking their outrage or shock, which Looney Tunes character do they turn into—Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, or Foghorn Leghorn?
- Topic 2: Why do you put up with it?
- Topic 3: No, seriously. Why?
Thanks for taking the You Are Being Ridiculous!™ assessment. Your results will be texted to you in 2-4 weeks, but c’mon.
You’re being ridiculous.
(You Are Being Ridiculous!™ is a subsidiary of Thanks, I’m Cured™ )