But wait—there's more!

Submitted into Contest #156 in response to: Write a story about a pathological liar.... view prompt

72 comments

American Funny Inspirational

Are you staring at your phone, waiting impatiently for a monosyllabic message from your mercurial lover to magically appear?

Are you tired of sharing the intimate details of your life over cold nachos and watery margaritas with some bae from Bumble—only to be discarded three weeks later?

Do you find yourself being a magnet for megalomaniacs, a sucker for swindlers, a filling station for philanderers? 

If so, you need to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  

During your next crying jag, download the app by weeping directly onto the You Are Being Ridiculous!™  icon. Through the wonders of technology, your tears will be instantly analyzed to see if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  

Your friends may have clued you in already because they don’t want to hear about your failed relationship anymore—but when you are ready for a Cold Hard Truth Sandwich, we will hold the bologna! 

Perhaps you are entangled with a soulmate, or maybe it’s some average schmuck who has a treasure trove of antisocial personality disorders? 

Maybe you’ve found a fallen angel who needs to overcome their childhood trauma, or maybe you landed a turd that needs to be flushed?

Either way, take the patented You Are Being Ridiculous!™ assessment, developed by licensed professional interns at Cosmopolitan magazine to see exactly why you give that complete loser the time of day. 

But wait—there's more!

For nine installments of $19.99, we will send your results to the TikTok therapist of your choice—because nothing says quality mental health counseling like an older white woman in an ill-fitting suit awkwardly dancing to “My Money Don’t Jiggle Jiggle, It Folds.” Why worry about oversimplification when Louis Theroux is spitting rhymes for y'all in the background track? 

So, are you ready to quit waking up in the middle of the night to confide in your new best friend, the ceiling? Are you ready to systemically deal with the fear, control, and power issues you have inside your own skull? 

Then throw away those tissue boxes, complete the following, and get ready to find out if You Are Being Ridiculous!™  



Part 1 - MULTIPLE CHOICE

Directions: Read the question and select the answer that best fits the prompt. 


`1. In countless Disney’s movies, Prince Charming generally comes to rescue the doe-eyed Princess to make all of her dreams come true. When viewing “true love’s first kiss,” you: 


A. Weep with joy at the predestined meeting of twin flames


B. Look at the Princess’s sidekicks as toxic friends who cause far more trouble than they're worth

C. Wonder how screwed up you are by ingesting such definitive gender and body image stereotypes at such a young age


2. When lovers text “I miss you” or “I love you”—after ghosting you so many times that you’ve become a zombie—do you:


A. Weep with joy that they’ve found themselves and rush back to their lukewarm embraces 


B. Recognize the cheap “check in” as a dopamine jolt for their own overinflated egos


C. Nothing. You’ve blocked them on everything, so their faux-emotional sputtering lives only in their narcissistic minds as well as in the ash heap of "Messages Not Delivered"  


3. When you confront your provisional partner for becoming more distant and less accessible, they reply by saying: “I’m just so busy right now.” This is a clear sign that you are:


A. Valued and trusted. Why else would they be so vulnerable with you, expressing how overwhelmed they are—with the exact same things they were doing before you two had met?

B. Mishearing what they are actually saying. Instead of accepting “I’m just so busy right now,” add the subordinate clause: “because I’m looking for your replacement since you’ve figured out my basic lack of compassion and inclination for exploitative behavior.” 


C. Laughing your butt off with your friends at a chain restaurant. While you shove half-priced appetizers into your gob, you show screenshots of pathetic text messages from your future ex. (“They can’t even text its/it’s or your/you’re correctly. How could you have fallen in love with someone who can’t differentiate between possessive pronouns and contractions?”)


Part 2 - FILL IN THE BLANK

Directions: Use the word bank to complete the following sentences: 

  • Low self-esteem
  • Empathy
  • Love bombing

They talk about themselves and their problems all the time, giving little consideration to what is happening in your life. They don’t lack __________; you’re just a safe space!

It’s not __________ ; it’s normal for people to bring you a diamonelle necklace on the first date—then forget your birthday two months later. 

Maybe it’s not __________. Maybe they habitually lie for no reason whatsoever. 


Part 3 - NUMERIC RESPONSE 

Directions: Read the word problems below and write your answer in the space provided. Show your work, especially when calculating how pathological liars multiply problems, divide consequences, add misery, and subtract peace. 

  1.  Of the total number of lies your duplicitous partner has fed you over the course of your relationship, calculate the percentage of white lies, broken promises, fabrications, and bold-face lies. Make a pie chart. Then go buy an entire pie and eat it in despair. 
  2. Calculate the sum total of a narcissist's charm, factoring out their innate skill for creative storytelling and animated performances in front of a crowd. Weigh the silence on the ride home alone with you in comparison to the effervescent raconteur who dazzled your friends. 
  3. Graph your cortisol levels. Especially when that jackass is around. 


Part 4 - SHORT ESSAY

Directions: Pick one of the following topics and write a well-constructed essay with a clear thesis, elaboration, and support. Or frankly, rant. You do you. Do whatever you need to get through the day until you realize your self-worth and send them packing. 

  • Topic 1: When you confront your romantic partner about their persistent lies with incontrovertible evidence, how entertaining is their denial? When faking their outrage or shock, which Looney Tunes character do they turn into—Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, or Foghorn Leghorn?
  • Topic 2: Why do you put up with it? 
  • Topic 3: No, seriously. Why? 


Thanks for taking the You Are Being Ridiculous!™   assessment. Your results will be texted to you in 2-4 weeks, but c’mon.

You’re being ridiculous. 

They’re liars.

Move on. 


(You Are Being Ridiculous!™  is a subsidiary of Thanks, I’m Cured™ )

July 24, 2022 16:51

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72 comments

13:57 Jul 25, 2022

Your a fantastic, writer. You're talent is one, of, a, kind.

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14:07 Jul 25, 2022

Thanks for the high praise!

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Mia Fitzpatrick
01:23 Jul 25, 2022

This made me laugh, really. I love the format. I enjoyed the piece a lot! And yes, I have been with someone who didn't know the difference between "your/you're".

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16:47 Jul 25, 2022

Sorry it didn't work out, but c'mon. (haha....) Thanks for letting me know the snark wasn't too over the top.

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Jim Firth
18:15 Jul 24, 2022

Deidra, Just hilarious. It was a great idea to lay it out like a test/as instructions or a pamphlet. Love the idea of the app analysing tears to find out just how ridiculous someone is being! So many great lines here. If I had to choose a fave it would be: 'Show your work, especially when calculating how pathological liars multiply problems, divide consequences, add misery, and subtract peace.' -- Just so darn clever :)

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18:38 Jul 24, 2022

Thanks, Jim. :) I think there's money to be made in creating a Narcissist Dating Website. It would be wonderful to pair them off like gladiators and take bets. This was based on my son's recent adventures at college. “The course of true love never did run smooth...” Eeee. So true. I'm just grateful to have been off the market for 30+ years. It's madness out there...

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Jim Firth
19:20 Jul 24, 2022

Haha! I'm so onboard with that--let them have each other. They deserve it :)

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Mike Panasitti
01:38 Jul 30, 2022

And speaking of narcissism and gladiators, would you mind taking a sword to my latest - a first go at an origins story for Foley Gaspers. Thanks and cheers.

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Riel Rosehill
20:00 Jul 29, 2022

So many people I could've sent this to at certain points in their lives..! I would have. Though unfortunately nobody wants to hear when they are being ridiculous - but maybe if the quiz is the one saying it and not me... LOL. Loved the line about the licensed professional interns at Cosmo xD (PS. "Maybe you’ve found a fallen angel who needs to overcome their childhood trauma" --sorry everybody who encountered this, I'll put Selaphiel on a shorter leash.)

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21:16 Jul 29, 2022

Selaphiel pretty much dictated this to me :) Thanks for the wonderful feedback. I admit. I have been ridiculously ridiculous, loving ridiculous people far too much, then wondering why they were being ridiculous. (I know, right? Physician, heal thyself.)

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Philip Ebuluofor
16:20 Jul 28, 2022

More like pathological idiots. Why keep fallen victim over and over. Fine work.

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16:45 Jul 28, 2022

Or just lonely :)

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Philip Ebuluofor
06:27 Jul 30, 2022

Lonely to my own detriment?

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18:22 Jul 30, 2022

You make a good point. I think some people are so afraid of being lonely that they sell themselves short. But there's nothing more lonely than being in an empty relationship. Truly hell.

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Philip Ebuluofor
18:54 Jul 30, 2022

Yeah, I understand that. Unnecessary load.

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Tommy Goround
07:11 Jul 28, 2022

These should be prompts. For reals-z / for Reeedsy / Hmm.. need to find a chorus.

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13:16 Jul 28, 2022

Bahahaha!! - that would elicit some very entertaining self-confessions indeed. Who doesn't have a why-did-I-ever-fall-in-love-with-that-loser story? I cringe when the occasional flashback reminds me of the more icky ones.

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Laura Eliz
16:52 Jul 27, 2022

This is absolutely wonderful. I enjoyed reading this1

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13:17 Jul 28, 2022

Huzzah! Thanks, Laura. It was a blast to write. I just wasn't sure if it made any sense (or was supposed to?)

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09:35 Jul 27, 2022

Deidra, this piece was crafted so cleverly and creatively. Your work always impresses me (even though I say that every time), and I really enjoyed reading this hilarious piece. ~ Jasey

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11:14 Jul 27, 2022

Thank you so much, Jasey. This was fun to write, like being on a tilt-a-whirl at a cut-rate carnival. I appreciate your kind remarks. :)

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22:29 Jul 27, 2022

Of course. Much love! <3

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Emma G.
21:15 Jul 25, 2022

This gave me a good laugh. Found myself shaking my head and rolling my eyes at this "assessment" in the most amusing way. Really clever use of this prompt and clever writing in general!

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23:01 Jul 25, 2022

So pleased. Wasn't sure if this was going to come out the way I wanted, a little unhinged and manic -- like a midsummer night's nightmare :)

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05:50 Jul 25, 2022

Well then. This was so wildly far off from what I expected, but it was satire at its finest. Love it.

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10:35 Jul 25, 2022

Impossibly fun to write. Like running down a hill like a kid - wheeee Thanks for the read 😁

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Joseph Viel
17:46 Aug 18, 2022

I need to read this sober, I made up most of my own answers and they weren't anything you listed. What's wrong with me??!!

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19:06 Aug 18, 2022

:)

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Joseph Viel
19:53 Aug 18, 2022

; )

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Yves. ♙
08:10 Aug 07, 2022

Okay: I laughed! I definitely need this, even though I'm confident I wouldn't be able to take it. Impressed especially at your constraint in keeping this flash fiction-sized; I always run all the way to the 3K limit. Thanks for sharing!

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14:22 Aug 07, 2022

Eevz-dot -- one of the OG's of Reedsy, contest winner of #5 & #45, hallowed be thy name. Thanks for the chortle, snicker, and/or guffaw. There was actually a thin (thick?) current of truth running through that farce, but truth is always stranger (and more entertaining) than fiction. You run to 3K because you actually have stuff to say. I stagger to 1K, say my piece (then run before anyone calls me on my BS. :) Thanks for the read.

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Yves. ♙
20:08 Aug 07, 2022

What an honor to be recognized by both a judge and a high-ranking leaderboard member! Of course, I'm sure you don't get to either of those places without being quite knowledgable about other Reedsy folk, but nonetheless am very happy to be recalled. And don't worry, this read perfectly for its length!

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Donna X
03:36 Aug 07, 2022

Deidre - Are you not the world's famous secret psychologist?

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14:14 Aug 07, 2022

I could probably use a famous secret psychologist...

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Donna X
03:14 Aug 07, 2022

As usual, I'm in awe of your prose, combined with your mastery of (a lifetime of?) psychology. And, I'm humbly grateful that you took the time to review and critique one of my first stories. On another note, I read of a comedic author Melissa Banks who just died at 61. She spent 12 years writing her first and only book entitled https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/05/books/melissa-bank-dead.html So Reedsy helps us write under deadlines, which I appreciate. I pray that all of us authors succeed commercially and engage in this community to encoura...

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14:16 Aug 07, 2022

Your writing to a joy to read. Thank you for the link to Melissa Banks. I, too, plan to write my first book and die at age 61. So Melissa and I have a lot in common :)

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Kevin Broccoli
20:39 Aug 03, 2022

I love that you played with the format and I especially loved "How could you have fallen in love with someone who can’t differentiate between possessive pronouns and contractions?"

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22:20 Aug 03, 2022

The ultimate deal breaker.

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Andrea Magee
09:17 Aug 03, 2022

Excellent and well written. A very enjoyable read. Thanks😊

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10:30 Aug 03, 2022

Yay! We aim to please — thanks for your kind comments ❤️

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Lynn Kioko
08:23 Aug 03, 2022

new follower

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10:30 Aug 03, 2022

Welcome 😃

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Lynn Kioko
08:23 Aug 03, 2022

I loved the truth that was very nicely coated by the sarcasm indeed 'You are being ridiculous'

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10:31 Aug 03, 2022

A spoonful of sugar makes the ridiculous go down 🥄

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S. Closson
08:00 Aug 01, 2022

I really enjoyed this story. Very fun format paired with your trademark wit.

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10:37 Aug 03, 2022

Thanks, S Just having a bit of fun wit this one 🤡

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Aeris Walker
00:01 Aug 01, 2022

I definitely snort laughed a few times while reading this one, especially at these lines: “During your next crying jag, download the app by weeping directly onto the You Are Being Ridiculous!™ icon.” —-Lol!!! “Make a pie chart. Then go buy an entire pie and eat it in despair.” —-yes, eat your feelings. Love your sense of humor—this did not disappoint :)

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10:36 Aug 03, 2022

Aeris! Thanks for taking time out of your writing schedule to drop by — appreciate the comment 🎁 and look forward to the podcast and hearing about your process ✍️ 😀

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Aeris Walker
11:49 Aug 03, 2022

As am I! 😅 I’ve so enjoy getting to “meet” the other writers through your platform…what a great idea.

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