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African American Asian American Funny

“Jamaal? Jamaal Black?” the Hispanic receptionist called out, looking over her glasses at a clipboard at the sea of people waiting for court-ordered therapy sessions. 


A tall white man in his 40’s stood up, dressed in a white polo shirt and light brown khaki pants. His canvas deck shoes squeaked as he cautiously approached her, so as not to alarm her. 


“Yo miss,” he said. “I’m Jamaal.”


“You making fun of me?” The receptionist looked at the white middle-aged man, straight out of central casting. He couldn’t have been any whiter. 


“Nah, miss. It ain’t like that.” Jamaal held up his hands in an unnecessary gesture of goodwill.


“Because I can send you right back to court if you are going to be a problem,” she spat.


“I THINK WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE A PROBLEM,” an attractive black woman stood up suddenly, marching right next to the white man, putting her finger in the receptionist’s face. “I am Karen White. My husband and I are here with our children for our session. By my watch, it is fifteen minutes past our appointed time.”


“I am sorry for the wait, Ms. White,” the receptionist said, smiling. “Please go through this door down to Conference Room #7."


Karen White sailed through the door, followed closely behind by her children and Jamaal Black, who had shoved his hands deep down into his pockets. 


The family waited around the conference table. Finally, the door opened. An elderly Indian man entered, carrying a thick manila file with BLACK, JAMAAL written in black ink on the tab. 


“Hello, family. I am Doctor Shawn FitzPatrick O’Flanagan,” he introduced himself, flipping through Jamaal’s records. “Apparently, Jamaal needs just three more sessions to regain custody of his children because of the incident.”


“Three is too many!” Karen interjected. “My husband is the victim here. Why is he always targeted?”


“I assure you, Mrs. White, we will address all your concerns through his anger management counseling. Until then, let’s all remain calm. Mr. Black, can you tell me about the circumstances that led to your arrest?”


“It’s embarrassing, ” Jamaal responded sheepishly. “Do we have to do this in front of the children?”


“Ah yes, the children. Perfect segue,” Dr. O'Flanagan said with a smile. He then turned to the older daughter. “Can you tell me about yourself?”


“I’m Gaye.”


“This is a safe space. You’ll find no judgement here.”


“No, I’m straight, you idiot. My name is Gaye. Gaye Black-White.”  


“So are you Gaye Black or Gaye White?” Dr. O'Flanagan quizzed her.


“I’m Black-White,” Gaye responded in a huff, rolling her eyes almost audibly. “But I identify as Chinese. Why is that so hard for people to understand?”


“What box you check on a form shouldn’t be important,” Karen interrupted, “I refuse to choose a race. I believe a race chooses you.” 


"Karen always checks the box marked 'other' on those forms," Gaye added, in obvious support of her mother.


“Let me get this straight,” Dr. O'Flanagan said, obviously struggling to keep up. “The children have the surname White-Black, but your biological daughter is Chinese?”


“Yes, is that a problem?” Jamaal asked while also trying to remain calm. “And she is very good at math, but a terrible driver. What are you getting at?”


“I’m just trying to understand,” said Dr. O'Flanagan, cleaning his spectacles. He pushed the button on the intercom and told the Hispanic receptionist to cancel his afternoon appointments. This was going to take a little while.


“And who are you, young man?” the doctor asked, turning towards the White-Black’s youngest son.


“I’m Gray. Gray White-Black. But I’m not a young man. I’m an old soul in a meat locker of bone and blood. And I reject your hetero-normative labeling.”


“Don’t listen to him.” Gaye chimed in. “He thinks he’s asexual, but to me he’ll always be my brother from an other mother."


“I feel we are deviating from the task at hand. You realize your father has had an incident with law enforcement. After considering many options, the judge has decided the typical consequences are not appropriate.”


“WHO ARE YOU CALLING INAPPROPRIATE,” yelled Karen. “I will call a half dozen lawyers to take down this facility brick by brick.”


“I’m certain you c-can,” stuttered Dr. O'Flanagan. “May I get you a bottle of water?”


“Don’t patronize me,” Karen replied, crossing her arms.


“I apologize for misspeaking, but Jamaal, would you recount in your own words, what happened last February?”


“Well, we were celebrating Black History Month at Red Lobster when I realized I had left my wallet at home. I stubbed out my menthol cigarette at the bar, and we raced home when the FIVE OH pulled us over.”


“What was the initial charge?”


“The cop said our tail light was out, and he gave us a warning.”


“So,” the doctor paused, consulting his notes. “Why did you hit the police officer?”


“Because he was biased.”


“Excuse me?”


“My wife was driving,” he added.


“EXACTLY,” Karen chimed in.


“You see, doc, when I was not more than ten or eleven, my dad took me and my brother aside and gave us the talk.”


“The talk?” Dr O’Flannigan responded, more confused than ever.


“Yeah, the talk,” replied Jamaal. “My dad’s family was a bunch of assholes. They were always causing a ruckus and making a stink. The Black name became synonymous with hooliganism. The cops would pull us over just for being Blacks.”


“Wait, you are saying you, a white male, would get pulled over for driving while Black?”


“Word, doc. Hey get it: Word Doc. Better micro hard than micro soft, right doc?” Jamaal said, cracking himself up. “But seriously, that's why my wife always drives.”


“So you punched the cop because he let your wife go. Is that it?”

“Correct,” Jamaal Black said.


“But that doesn’t make any sense. How is that biased?”


“If you must know,” Karen interrupted, “my father was chief of police for thirty-seven years.”


“And…”


“Well, I could practically run over a baby in a carriage, and I’d get away with a warning because of my last name: White.”


“You’ve got to be kidding me. Your husband hit the cop because, as a black woman, you were a recipient of White privilege?”


“Your damn fucking right he did. And he’d do it again.”  


Dr. O'Flanagan rubbed his eyes and muttered, “Imeacht gan teacht ort.”


“Excuse me?” Karen and Jamaal said simultaneously, ready to be offended.


“It’s an Irish expression,” Dr. O’Flanagan replied.


“I thought you were Indian,” Jamaal said.


“I identify as leprechaun.” 


“Well erin go bragh-less doc,” Jamaal said with a chuckle. “Glad to see you being your authentic self. Screw the Italians! Amiright?”


“Well you’re right about one thing,” Dr. O’Flanagan agreed as he signed the documents, handing them to Jamaal. “You don’t need to come back for any more sessions. Now get the hell out of here and never come back.”  


“Suit yourself, Lucky Charms. Let’s roll, White-Blacks!”


When they had safely left the building, Dr. O’Flanagan closed his pad, put in for two weeks' vacation, and poured himself a Guinness.

May 14, 2021 19:32

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22 comments

Keya M.
01:40 May 16, 2021

This was an...interesting story. I'm a little confused about the message you're trying to convey with this piece though. Is it that race is a myth? Or that people are discriminated against because of their surnames? Or something else? I'm just a little unclear on what this story's focus is...Overall, your plotline is engaging, you have good dialogue and intriguing characters. But unfortunately, since your message doesn't really make sense, the story is fractured, and it leaves gaps in the storyline. This is in no way intended to be offensive...

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K. Antonio
02:31 May 16, 2021

This story was a hoot! I enjoyed it a lot. In the beginning I was worried that it would get confusing, especially with all the names being tossed left and right, following the racial identifications. If I was to offer any sort of critique it would be to filter a few words in the sentence, such as "the Hispanic receptionist" and "Gray Black-White", that maybe don't need to be highly emphasized and might otherwise stump the reader. I don't think the capitalized letters do anything for the story aside from maybe add shock value, but I would...

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Nina Chyll
13:25 May 17, 2021

If this is the same person who was on here a couple of months ago under the same username, then in their comments under stories eerily similar to the above (unfortunately no screenshot at hand and the account's been deleted or suspended), they talked openly about how they believe women are worse, and how being gay is a lifestyle, and how there are two genders for a reason, if memory serves.

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K. Antonio
14:18 May 17, 2021

Oh, I need to watch out for this! Thanks for telling me. I generally feel concerned about these types of stories and the points they try to make and how they can actually end up being interpreted.

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Nina Chyll
14:33 May 17, 2021

It’s only a testament to your good nature that you interpreted this in the nicest possible way. I might be wrong but I have an unpleasant feeling I’m not.

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Evi T
05:19 May 18, 2021

Judging from their stories so far, that would actually make a lot of sense. I can understand how people might be entertained with the prose and try to project some moral value into them, but personally (perhaps because I happen to be part of a few minority groups myself) I do not interpret them as innocent. Even assumming that it was not the author's purpose, they lack focus, rely on shock value and in the end make their characters caricatures, minimising the actual importance and struggles these people face. And it's not so much the stories...

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Mark Wilson
14:10 May 16, 2021

Excellent critique.

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Mark Wilson
13:36 May 16, 2021

LOL - Thanks, Bruh ~ wait, can I say that? sure I can, you are officially now my 'Brother-from-another-mother' LOL. My writing has been so dark (I know that's were my head is now), and I have been actively trying to lighten-up. When I saw that you had another story up, I raced to it, hoping it were at least 'partially' as funny as your first. Well, ya did it again! Thanks, I really mean that. Everyone (in the US at least) needs this now, the levity AND social underpinnings are as refreshing to me rn, as a dunk in an ice-bath. Again, Than...

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Mister X
18:35 May 16, 2021

More to come. I promise. 😀

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Karen Mc Dermott
17:16 May 19, 2021

I think you oughtta change your pen name to Word Doc: King of Puns.

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Rayhan Hidayat
15:46 May 18, 2021

Holy fuck I have no idea what the message is, or if there’s even supposed to be any, but this is a GOLDMINE. Super impressed by some of the lines, good stuff! 😙

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Kay (:
18:40 May 15, 2021

“I THINK WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE A PROBLEM,” Why this is in all caps I don't know, there is no indication that that person is yelling. I could not follow the story very well, it was very confusing. I think this is due to you writing this practically overnight, take some time and have others give you feedback on it.

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The Sundial
20:24 Jun 03, 2021

I definently enjoyed reading this.

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Tricia Shulist
01:34 May 23, 2021

This is the third story of yours that I have read. They are so much fun. Your writing is fantastic. Thank you.

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Charlie Murphy
20:08 May 22, 2021

That was hilarious! I thought Dr. O'Flanagan was going to snap from their confusing arguments! =D Great job!

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Stevie B
17:56 May 22, 2021

Mister X, you've created a very colorful tale.

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07:24 May 17, 2021

That's an amazing story! Well done!

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Mark Wilson
13:53 May 16, 2021

When I read some of the comments below, I am confused; How do you NOT get what the author is trying to say here? 1: Race (and the horrible construct that it has become) is not important; Black, White, Chinese, Puerto-Rican (not a race, but a little levity.) Irish, Italian - it doesn't matter. We are all the same. Laugh a little. Did you even notice the Genre categories that the author chose? the last one was 'funny' that means it was intended to be comedic. 2: There is no two - Get it? Refer to #1 above. I have a story here called "Gra...

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Kim Dachung
10:11 May 15, 2021

I was really in love with the dialogues. it is really a creative piece you put out here. Weldone

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Krisha Gautam
17:10 Jun 18, 2021

Boy do you write well! It's not easy to write something comedic on—well, a lot of things today and this is was brilliant. "I identify as leprechaun" reminds me of 'I identify as helicopter' and it's wonderful to see how people will get offended at just about anything. PS: Thank you for following me! I wanted to check out your stories before returning the kind favour and you definitely are the writer to look more from! All the best. : )

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User Name
07:56 May 24, 2021

This was so clever :D

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Corey Melin
20:33 May 17, 2021

This is hilarious. I feel like I just went to a comedy show of old where no punches was held back, and everyone got hit because we are all humans (oops! I used the man word) after all. Well done!

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