My Anthem

It should’ve been like any other day. I was not to talk about it. I was not to tell him about it. I was to walk to the store, and I was never to make a sign of my betrayal. I heard the man's instructions echo in my head.

"Don't be suspicious. Then we'll have to kill you too." I now had to bear the truth of my Nathan’s death, for I was to lead him to it. I would never have agreed to this. Indeed, I regard myself to be of the utmost moral caliber, but I'd fallen on hard times. My children and wife needed support, and I had no work. It was bad enough in the second Depression for people that had work, but for people without, you would never make it. 

This was a chance to get my life on track. I knew that Nathan was a good man, I knew who he was, and who he might've become. I loved him like a brother, like no one else in the world would. My children, though, were innocent and young and deserved a chance to make a living. It was the correct thing to do. Right?

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“So how are you doing, man?” I said, trying not to sound suspicious at all. “We really haven’t caught up in a while!” 

“No, we haven’t. How have you been? I know that you got sacked last month. Are you and Margaret fine? How’s little Kagney?” My eyes got teary thinking of what Kagney would think of me, leading my best friend to death like a pig to the slaughter. I wish I could tell her that it was all for her and that I was only doing this to help her make a life for herself.

“Everything’s fine, and getting sacked gave me more time with the kids. You know, I think that Margaret is really grateful for all the help I’m giving her at home. Soon, one of us is going to need a job, though.” I said, trying not to make my voice crack with the lie. The pain of Margaret was still fresh. 

My mind went back to those three horrible days in the hospital, waiting and waiting, the halo of the fluorescent lights casting away my delusions of a bright future.

“Margie, it’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna make it through this,” I said through pinched cheeks in the hospital. I knew the truth, and I suspected she did too. After all, a person can tell if they’re dying.

“Honey, no matter what, I just want you to know that you’ve been an amazing dad, and an awesome husband. I don’t know what my life would’ve been like without you. Please promise me that you’ll be fine if I go.” She said, soft as a whisper on a winter day.

“Please don’t say those things. You’re not going to go. I won’t let you.” I replied, crying a little.

“Promise me, Herman. Please.” I knew that I would have to face reality sooner or later. What was the point of denial if only to delay suffering?

“I can’t promise you that, Honey, but I will promise you that I will never forget you. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always have you in my heart.”

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We walked up the steps into the mall, and I knew already that I wouldn't be able to do it. No one would be able to kill their friend, someone that always had their back, no matter what! I would never be able to accept the money if I even found the strength to do the deed. My mind went back to seventh grade when no one would talk to me, no one would want to play with me or be my friend.

"Hey, what are you doing?" he said to me.

"You're going to make fun of me," I replied

"No, I'm not. Why would you think that?"

"Because everyone else does. I don't know why."

"Well, what are you doing, then?"

"I'm reading. Anthem by Ayn Rand."

"Wow, you must be really smart! I've never even heard of that book!"

"It's all about people that are all equal, and no one has their own thoughts or can commit crimes, but one person does."

"Wow, sounds interesting."

"You sure say 'wow' a lot."

"Wow, I guess I do. Wanna hang out?"

"Sure."

No one had ever talked to me before. That angel of a boy, now standing and walking before me, gave me a chance. Over the next thirteen years from then, our bond only grew. I was his best man, and he was the best man at our weddings. My daughter Kagney loved to play with Emily, Nathan’s daughter. Our families were very close, but not as close as with him and me. But then I moved, and now I had just lost my job. I’ll never forget that one interaction, though. I guess you could say that I was then like Equality 7-2521 from Anthem. I had a curse of being different. I connected with that book in more ways than I had before thought possible with a piece of literature. It helped fuel my passion as a librarian. Now, I was facing a much bigger dilemma, and I knew that, as he did in seventh grade, I would be his friend and have his back. After all, he was my friend. 

“Hey, you wanna play some Pac-Man?” I asked, trying to prolong my time with Nathan. “Yeah, come on, you know you want to!” We rushed over and I put in some quarters, eager to have some last bonding time with my best friend.

“Man, you know I always beat you at this!” He said playfully after giving me a friendly shove, and sure enough, five minutes later, he had beat my butt in Pac-Man, and then Street Fighter, and then also Pinball. Jeez, there were tons of fun things in malls those days. I would have to take Kagney here one day, in the future when I had overcome this trauma. Wait, what was I thinking? This was not something that I could just move on from! This was the death of my best friend!

The truth of the situation reached my mind. How could I ever have thought that I would be able to do this? It was an impossible task, a gargantuan task. Then, as we walked past the T. Crew clothing store, I saw one of the goons of the bad man. My stomach rose and flipped in my chest, and my heart rate above Mt. Everest! I couldn't breathe. Could they read my betrayal of their betrayal? Could they tell my thoughts? Then, my daughter stepped out from behind the goon. 

He held a knife to her innocent, little, throat. How could these monsters ever think of doing that to a young child? She was only five years old! I sobbed, praying for my friend because I now knew I had no choice. If he knew my situation, he would do the same. 

"Come on, I want to pick up my dry cleaning," I said, with a slight trembling that I hoped he hadn't noticed. I knew he couldn't have noticed my conscience shaking to its very core, but it still made a tear fall down my cheek. Why, of all people, must I suffer through this?

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I walked into the store, and there was the man. I had told my friend to stay outside until I picked up my dry cleaning, but I was only trying to delay his death. 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Bring him in here and take the money." he barked. 

"Can I have a minute to say goodbye?" I said after taking the money. He grunted his approval and I moped out of the door. 

"Nathan, you've always been a great friend to me. You know I've been through some tough times recently, but I'm so grateful that you've been here for me." I said, giving him a brotherly embrace. He looked surprised but most likely thought that I was breaking down because I had lost my job. Thank goodness he didn't know what was coming. I hoped that it was short and painless. Then I ushered him into the dry cleaning and left the mall. As tears dripped down my cheeks, I knew that he would never forgive me.