Report on the Activities of the Chapman Family, December 2023

Sir,

The following is my report on the Chapman family for week ending 12/2:

JOSH: Kept his cool on a work call when a coworker tried to goad him into a political argument. Nice.

MADDIE: You know that ‘One Margarita’ song from TikTok, boss? In an attempt to be ‘the cool mom’, she sang it in front of Mackenzie’s friends. …There was a dance, too. From what I hear, their parents are no longer letting them come over. Naughty.

MACKENZIE: Broke up a fight between Alex and Rachel. Nice.

ALEX: backtalked at Maddie for asking him to put away folded laundry while he was scrolling TikTok. Naughty.

RACHEL: Told Maddie that dinner was ‘gross’ and ‘Kaylyn’s mom makes this better’. Naughty.

CHARLOTTE: Decided to give herself a makeover. Resulting haircut required professional intervention. Also crushed two of Mackenzie’s lipsticks into the bathroom carpet, left large gouges in Maddie’s Dior eyeshadow palette, and covered the bathroom and herself in black hair dye. You know what, boss, I’m gonna let you make the call on this one. I didn’t see the crime scene firsthand as I was stationed in the kitchen that day, but I certainly heard the uproar it caused. I’m not authorized to rule on whether this is a ‘seven year olds will do that’ situation or a ‘she’s old enough to know better’ kind of thing.

Sir,

The following is my report on the Chapman family for week ending 12/9:

JOSH: Disinvited his mother and stepdad to visit for Christmas. Okay, boss hear me out on this one—I was stationed on top of the TV and saw the FaceTime where it all went down. The woman was insisting that Mackenzie ‘dress like a lady’ while she was here, said she showed too much skin for a girl of her age and all that makeup made her look like a ‘streetwalker’. And that was just the start—she kept going, criticizing pretty much everything her own granddaughter did and being pretty cruel about it. I’ve never seen the vein in Josh’s forehead stand out that much. He told that woman that if they, as parents, didn’t have a problem with Mackenzie’s fashion choices, then she had no right to say anything. The he told her to cancel her plane ticket and hung up. It was epic. Feel free to overrule me, but I’m giving him a big, fat NICE.

MADDIE: Noticed Mrs. Figueroa across the street sprawled out at the bottom of her front steps. Took her to the emergency room. Sounds like the poor lady broke her foot. Since then, Maddie’s been over there three times a day, sometimes for up to an hour, usually carrying a meal with her. Nice.

MACKENZIE: Volunteered last-minute to babysit the Jeongs’ three-year-old when Mrs. Jeong went into labor prematurely. Handled dinner and bedtime solo before Mr. Jeong’s sister arrived to relieve her. Refused pay. Nice.

ALEX: Ate the entire bag of Mackenzie’s allergy-friendly cookies, and showed no remorse when there was nothing left in the house she could have as a snack. Naughty.

RACHEL: Did lots of research on her social studies project and wrote it all herself, without asking Maddie, Josh, or Mackenzie to do any of it for her. Nice.

CHARLOTTE: Threw a tantrum because the Christmas dress Maddie got her didn’t have gold sequins all over it like Rachel’s. Naughty.

Sir,

The following is my report on the Chapman family for week ending 12/16:

JOSH: Came home with a puppy and didn’t ask Maddie first. Plus…well, see Mackenzie’s entry below. Naughty.

MADDIE: Wrote Rachel’s teacher an absolutely unhinged email, in which she used no less that twelve words she would normally punish her children for saying (believe me, I was reading over her shoulder—Maddie was low on inspiration that morning and literally stationed me on a shelf). Demanded a change of grade on the social studies project despite clear evidence Rachel hadn’t followed the rubric the teacher laid out. Naughty.

MACKENZIE: Unleashed a fifteen-minute rant at both her parents about how the younger kids are constantly taking her stuff and Josh and Maddie never do anything about it. Reacted, um, pretty poorly when Josh subsequently grounded her. Stormed out of the house and didn’t answer calls or texts for several hours. I mean, yeah, naughty, but the kid has a point.

ALEX: Offered to play video games with Rachel when she came home from school crying about a low score on her social studies project. Let her win. Nice.

RACHEL: Played on her phone instead of socializing when Maddie’s sister and her family came over for dinner. Naughty.

CHARLOTTE: Snuck into Mackenzie’s room and stole her expensive art markers (you know the ones, boss, they were last year’s big ticket Christmas gift). She completely used up the sky blue, broke the tip on the skin-tone shade, and left the caps off several others. Naughty.

Sir,

The following is my report on the Chapman family for week ending 12/23:

JOSH: Bought his mother a book on etiquette for Christmas. Wrapped it in a box with a charcoal briquette. Nicccceee.

MADDIE: Trips to Mrs. Figueroa’s house have continued throughout December, and in fact, have increased in frequency. Yesterday I even saw her wrapping a bunch of presents, then taking them over there. Last week, she went over there with a bucket of cleaning supplies and didn’t come back for hours. A few days ago, she strongarmed Josh into coming with her one evening, and within a few hours, the tree was up and decorated in Mrs. Figueroa’s window, and the eaves were strung with lights. Josh was grumbling as they came back, and she shut him up by saying, “The whole time we were in the ER, poor Luz was sobbing because her kids are coming into town for Christmas and there was no way she could get everything ready with a broken foot. I promised her I would make sure Christmas still happened.” Just really nice.

MACKENZIE: Took Josh’s car keys, snuck out of the house. Nice. Yeah boss, I’m saying ‘nice’. Yeah, boss, I know sneaking out is an automatic lump coal, but you gotta hear the mitigating factors. See, I was stationed hanging from the light fixture in the second floor hallway, it’s probably 10:30 PM, everyone’s all settled in for their long winter’s nap, and I hear a phone ringing in one of the bedrooms. Turns out it was Mackenzie’s. I could only hear so much of the conversation through the door, but it went like this: “Hey Grace, what’s… Holy… Are you okay? …Nuh-uh, doesn’t matter if he’s your boyfriend, that is NOT okay, it’s not okay for ANYBODY to… Well, I’m glad you got out of there. Are you someplace safe? Where are you? …Okay, good call, there’s lots of people around, even at this time of—me? I mean, I feel like you should probably call your parents to… Okay, okay, just get yourself a coffee and go browse the makeup section for a while. I’ll be there in ten minutes, I promise.” At this point, she opened her door very quietly and stepped lightly down the hallway, whispering as she went: “yeah, I’ll stay on the phone the whole way, promise. You’re gonna tell your parents, right? …Well, he DESERVES to get in trouble…”

She was back before midnight. Feel free to overrule me on this one, boss, but I’m saying nice.

ALEX: Charlotte came home from school crying because some kid at school had told her you weren’t real. Alex was the only one home at the time. You know what that kid told her? “Santa is 100%, absolutely real, Charlie. I know because…I’m him. And Dad is him too, and Mom. See, Santa isn’t actually just one guy--it’s a secret club. To join the Secret Society of Santas, you have to solemnly swear to spread joy and kindness all year long, and then you get officially named a Santa Claus. Usually you’ve gotta be bigger to join, but since you know the truth now…wanna join up?”

I know it’s a load of hogwash, boss, but it’s not like I could correct him, and you should’ve seen the smile on that little girl’s face when she solemnly swore to keep Christmas in her heart all the year. Nice.

RACHEL: Turns out, she’s been secretly packing herself a second lunch since about October. Maddie finally noticed and confronted her about it. According to Rachel, there’s a kid in her class who only ever has a single granola bar for lunch, and Rachel’s been secretly making sure she has extra to share. Rachel said the kid’s name, and from Maddie’s expression, I’d say she knows the family and has some idea why the kid never has a real lunch. Once school kicks off again in January, Maddie is 100% onboard with Operation Feed Carly. Very nice, both of them.

CHARLOTTE: Went shopping with Maddie. Saw the toy donation box and asked what it was for. When they got home, Charlotte went upstairs and came down with her arms full of literally all her toys. Maddie tried to talk her out of it, but the kid spent the next three days insisting that it was ‘her job as a Santa’. As a compromise, they went out and bought some (brand new, in-the-box) toys together that they donated to the toy drive. Really, really nice.

So there you have it, boss. Nice all around, checked it twice and everything. I’ll head back to HQ as soon as the family packs up the Christmas decorations—I estimate sometime around January 6 or so. And…sir? Gotta say, I wouldn’t mind getting this assignment again next December.