Temporary Secretary

Good afternoon, Stubbings and Merch. How may I help you?

Hi, could I speak with Randy?

I’m sorry. Randy who?

Randy... uh, Macardo.

I think you have the wrong number; there is no Randy Macardo here.

Is there another Randy there?

Um, let’s see... doo doo doo da dum. No, I don’t see any Randy here.

Oh.

Yeah, sorry about that. Why don’t you try calling again? Maybe you misdialed.

Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks.

You’re welcome. Have a nice day.

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Good afternoon, Stubbings and Merch. How may I help you?

Randy, please.

Oh, it’s you. Sorry, we just spoke... there’s no Randy here.

Damn... okay. What’s your name?

I’m Kathryn.

Hi, Kathryn, I’m Miles.

Hi, Miles. Sorry that I couldn’t help you. Maybe Randy’s a ghost.

Well, that came out of nowhere. What a random thought.

My apologies... a bad attempt at humor.

No, no, no... it’s fine; I liked it. Tell me another random thought.

I’m sorry?

Random... say something random again.

Oh. Well. Um, let’s see. Uh... I like pizza.

No, more random than that.

Okay, uh... Three cats started a motivational speaker program.

Well, color me surprised. You came up with some random shit. Sounds like it should be a joke. Is it?

No joke. It actually did happen... in Lithuania.

Huh? Let me google that.

I’ll wait here.

I didn’t find anything.

It’s because they paid Google a lot of money to take it down.

The three cats?

Their managers and agents, to be precise.

Um... well, Kathryn, once something is on the internet, it’s impossible to take down.

Ha ha, that’s exactly what they want you to think!

No, it’s true; I’ve seen it many times. Whenever someone wants something off the internet, people will repost it... en masse.

Oh, yeah? Haven't you ever heard of Celeste Silverstrop?

Hmm... Is this another thing I’m going to google and get no results? Yep, I googled it and got no results.

Her pictures were all over the internet because she had three breasts, but she successfully had them take down every image and every mention of her name.

Oh, the kerfuffle over the three-boobed woman? And I missed it?!

I was only proving my point.

Celeste Silverstrop is such a random-ass name; I thought it was real. How do you come up with a name as random as Celeste Silverstrop so easily?

Because it’s a real name and she has extremely effective lawyers.

No, I refuse to believe it. You can’t take stuff off the internet. It honestly doesn’t happen.

Jeez Louise. Okay, I will tell you a secret: I’m Celeste Silverstrop!

Oh, ma’am, I’m sorry for saying you have a random-ass name.

Not a problem. I changed my name, and I had breast removal surgery.

So now you have a regular name AND a regular number of breasts?

Correctamundo!

Isn’t it a shame, though? Most people only have one weird thing about them, and you had two weird things about you, and now you have none.

And I don’t have any cats.

Wait. Do Celeste and the three motivational cats share lawyers?

I can’t talk about it.

Gotcha. You signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Yes, but I can now admit to people that I like pizza.

I mean, that’s kinda generic.

You’re saying a lot of people like pizza?!?

Honestly, I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t.

You’re blowing my mind right now.

What the how... have you ever, ever met someone who said, “Nah, pizza sucks”?

It’s not legal to talk about pizza in my country.

Ahh, I see. I, too, am from Azerbaijan.

Nice try, but I’m not telling you where I live.

I’m not telling you where I live, either; it was simply bait.

You’re much wiser than I thought.

So wait, your first impression of me was that I am a big dum-dum; is that right? Someone who goes around sharing their country and location with strangers? Psh, not me.

Anyone who hasn’t heard of Celeste Silverstrop can’t be the brightest bulb in the marquee.

By that, um, how do you say it?... means measuring intellect? You are the only bulb, Kathryn, because no one else knows Celeste. No one I know knows Celeste.

Mr. Silverstrop would beg to differ.

Oh, is there a Mr. Silverstrop?

Yes, he’s my husband, manager, lawyer, plastic surgeon, and part-time crossing guard.

Why a crossing guard? Seems made up... and any lawyer who is a crossing guard at the same time probably isn’t especially good at being a lawyer.

He is an excellent lawyer... he won the Zaxby prize, for Pete’s sake.

Oh, yes, the renowned Zaxby prize that I can’t even make myself google right now for fear of getting bamboozled again. See, you’re losing your grip, Kathryn. You started out with complex lore about the cats and the Celeste triple-boob stuff, but now... now you’re scrambling desperately, and “Zaxby” comes out. Psh! But I am going to get bamboozled again and google the Zaxby prize to see if it’s real.

I confess: I had too much pepperoni on my pizza this morning. And you rely on Google too much, young man.

Um... what am I supposed to use to get answers to this world we live in?

Call my husband, silly. He has all the answers.

He does not. He can’t know everything about things like... um, tardigrades... or trains. Trains are too complicated to know all about. And pepperoni doesn’t twist up your mind.

You must not have tried Lithuanian pepperoni.

Lithuania mentioned two times.

Shit, please forget I said that.

Oh, ‘shit’... a curse word!

I do not live in Lithuania!!

Sooo... given the fact that Lithuania is roughly the size of a toenail, I can pretty much throw a dart on a map and pinpoint your location with an error of around 200 miles.

I don’t live there... I happen to purchase my pepperoni from a Lithuanian street vendor named Laslo.

Sure, a Lithuanian man whose name isn’t something like Gyorg Bzsckszsckyszcy.

How do you know my father!?

They made a meme of him online; you should tell Mr. Silverspoon to use his lawyer magic to get Mr. Gyorg off the internet as well.

Silverstrop... pay attention.

I’m sorry, but Silverstrop doesn’t roll too easily off my foreign tongue. The word seems jumbled up to me... and weird.

How dare you make light of my married name!

Make light? Doesn’t that mean, like... reveal and, um... what’s the word… expose?

You need to rely less on Google and more on Dictionary.com.

Sorry, I’m not a nerd. I ride skateboards and smoke cigarettes and chew bubblegum and do kickflips and stuff.

You shouldn’t smoke cigarettes, and I hope you’re using knee and elbow pads.

I don’t need pads because I’m good at what I do, and I only smoke two or three times a week... when I’m stressed.

What’s stressing you out so much? Is it this Randy guy? Is it because he’s a ghost?

He’s not a ghost. He’s a private investigator.

Oh, well now I’m curious... who are you having investigated?

Nobody you know or need to know, Kathryn. Maybe I should have YOU investigated... find out YOUR true story. What’s your new last name? I just googled Kathryn Silverstrop but got nothing.

I can’t tell you that... we’re in litigation with the FBI.

Oh, no. It’s not the motivational cats, is it?

I’m afraid it is. One of them was caught on camera in the Vilnius red-light district.

Hmm...

I’m sorry, but I need to go now. I’ve said too much, and Laslo is at the door.

All right then. Go get your pepperoni.

Different Laslo, but okay. Good day, Miles.

Good night, Kathryn.

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Hi, Kathryn. How’s your first day going?

Not too bad... getting the hang of things, I think.

Good, good. Who was that on the phone?

Oh, nobody, Mr. Stubbings... wrong number.

Hey, none of this Mr. Stubbings business... call me Randy.