Little Lies and Big Truths

It was almost the end of the school year, my senior year in 1990 at St. Andrew’s, when I walked into school and the hallway went silent. I knew it was because of me. You know how noisy high school hallways get. So, when they suddenly go quiet when you walk in, and everyone starts staring and whispering, you know something is up. It’s an eerie feeling not being in on the gossip that has everyone so tightlipped and gawking. I put my head down and made my way to my locker, occasionally stealing glances through the corners of my eyes. I get halfway down the hall, and someone breaks the silence with a shout of, “dyke!” The whole school bursts into laughter. The horror, the shock; my mouth dropped wide open. I began to tremble, losing my grasp on my books. I began hyperventilating. Tears began to form. How did they know?

In 1990, being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is today. At a Christian school and in a Christian home it wasn’t even tolerated. Only one person in the entire world knew about my sexuality and I would have never in a million years believed she would have betrayed me, my secret girlfriend Jenna Mitchell, whom everyone assumed to be my best friend, even my parents. Jenna pushed her way through the sea of white shirts and plaid skirts and grabbed me by the arm, dragging me to the restroom. We got inside and she forcefully flung me across the room.

“How could you,” she said, her voice cracking.

“What? What the hell is going on, Jenna?”

“Oh, like you don’t know. Susie Hawkins? The girl I always catch you glancing at,” she roared at me.

“Not this again, not now. Can you, please, just tell me what’s going on out there? How do they know?”

“They saw you! They saw you and Susie making out at the movies Sunday! The day you told me we couldn’t go out because you were studying!”

“What! They’re lying! Nobody saw me because I wasn’t there. I was at home. Ask my mom.”

“I don’t know, Julie, there are an awful lot of witnesses, and it’s quite a coincidence that it happens to be Susie they are saying they saw you with,” Jenna told me in a firm, disbelieving tone.

“I swear, Jenna. Who is saying this?”

“Scott Thompson, Trisha Simms, Kobe Welks, Tim and Maggie Barker, Valerie Straatman…”

“Valerie,” the name came off my tongue with the taste of spoiled milk.

Every school has a Valerie. That one girl that sits at the pinnacle of high school society, Miss Popularity, the pretty fashionista princess that looks down on everyone else as if they are unworthy peasants, unless she can benefit from them. As the captain of the cheer squad and the president of the student body government who dated Mr. Popularity for the sake of appearances, Valerie had the teachers and most of the students wrapped around her little finger. Those students who were not on that little finger knew better than to cross her. She would ruin their lives. Something she had displayed on numerous occasions.

As young girls, Valerie and I were in the same brownie troop together. We were friends, or so I thought. I outsold her during cookie sales, momentarily taking attention away from her. She got jealous and told everyone I wet the bed every time I stayed the night at her house. Everyone laughed at me and called me Miss Tinkles from then on out. It didn’t matter how hard I denied it. Once Valerie stated something, it became gospel in the mind's of others. I had to leave the troop. Luckily, we went to different elementary schools. By the time our paths crossed again freshman year, we acted like we had never met. She ignored me and I avoided her. Valerie shines bright like a star, is very outgoing, and demands to be the center of attention. I’m the opposite. I’m a dim asteroid hovering aimlessly through the cosmos, shy, avoiding the limelight. So, she had her clique and I had mine. We never came in contact until right before then. It was announced that Valerie and I were both up for valedictorian, with me leading her by a few grade points. Her, being ever so competitive, was probably hoping the school would not give the honor to a lesbian.

“Has anyone talked to Susie? I bet she would deny the whole thing,” I said.

“Of course she denied it. She even got into Valerie’s face about it. Val, Trish, and Maggie sent her home crying. That doesn’t mean anything to me. If anything, I feel it validates it because they were best friends.”

 “No. Susie ratted on Valerie for shoplifting when she got caught. That ended the friendship. Valerie is killing two birds with one stone. She’s trying to get back at Susie and ruin my reputation so she can be valedictorian.”

“Oh, so you’re embarrassed that you’re gay. You’re scared it will ruin your reputation. Is that what you two are worried about?”

“Yes…. No…. I don’t know. There is no two of us! Look, I have to think about my parents and my future. I just don’t know.”

“Let’s come out. At least then everyone will know that Val lied about one thing, if she is in fact a liar,” Jenna said, forcing me to look her in the eyes.

“Of course she’s a liar, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to jump into making such a life altering decision.”

“You know I’ve been lied to and cheated on in the past. I don’t like this. Part of me wants to believe you, but I can’t. I’m not going to go through that kind of hell again.”

“What can I possibly do to prove to you that I’m not lying?”

“Come out with me. Let’s tell everybody and be done with it.”

My shoulders slumped and I’m sure the countenance of my face said, “Anything but that,” because Jenna threw her hands in the air and abruptly walked out of the restroom. I put my back to the wall and slid down to where I sat until the second bell. I went to my first class late.

By fourth period everyone had gotten a whiff of the news, and when I say everyone, I mean the educators. I walked into American Literature ready to discuss F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby when Sister Merideth redirects me to Father Paulson’s office. I reported to his secretary who informed him I was there. I was left waiting for fifteen minutes before his door opened and he invited me in.

“Come on in, Miss Renner, and take a seat,” he said in his low monotone voice.

I sat down, realizing that I had begun to sweat, and my hands were all clammy. “Thank you, father,” I chirped.

He sat across from me and stared at me for a moment with eyes so dark they almost seemed lifeless under his big bushy gray brow, perched above his hooked nose. He always reminded me of an ostrich, a mean, angry ostrich. I could tell he was sizing me up and trying to decide the best way to address the situation. He sat with his hands folded on his desk, twiddling his thumbs. I sat there with my leg jigging a hundred beats per second. Finally, he broke the silence.

“You’re in the running for valedictorian, are you not?”

“Yes, sir.”

“The valedictorian should represent this school as its finest product. We here at St. Andrew’s pride ourselves in developing well educated, socially adept young men and women with strong Christian values. With that said, we are currently waiting until the end of this week to decide between you and Miss Straatman for the honor since your GPAs are so close. Whereas you have a slight advantage in GPA, Miss Straatman has taken on more extra-curricular activities, has proven to be more social, and is a regular here for every worship service. I never see you here for worship services. That particularly worries me since it has been brought to my attention that you have been seen kissing another female student. You know that the Lord abhors sexual immorality, and this will surely disqualify you from any consideration for valedictorian. What do you have to say for yourself?”

My blood was actually boiling at that point, but I kept a level head. “It’s a lie. You can call my mom. On the night of the alleged sighting, I was in my room studying. It’s a rumor. One that was created to discredit me as a potential valedictorian candidate for this fine institution, which I am very proud to attend. As for never being seen here during worship services, we live a block away from St. Marks. It’s a smaller church with a smaller congregation that is walking distance from home. We like it there. If you like, you can call Father Leon at your convenience. Yes, I am a far more reserved person than Valerie Straatman, but I assure you that my manners, candor, and integrity are in line with proper representation of this school. I assure you father; I am the smartest and most cordial student you have graduating this year.”

The old man eyes me, his chin resting on his fist. Then he breaks into a smile. “That’s what I wanted to hear. I’ll tell the staff to squash the rumors as they hear them. Come, let us pray for your success.”

As I kneeled on the floor with him to pray, I couldn’t help feeling a bit guilty, my conversation with Jenna fresh in my mind. Did I just lie, or did I tell the truth? Yes, it was a rumor. Nobody saw me make out with anybody, but at the same time, I was gay.

By the time the school day ended, stress and frustration were etched on my face and displayed in my body language. I accidentally slammed the front door when I got home, alerting my mom to the fact that there was a problem. I tried to hightail it to my room before she could catch me, but I failed.

“Hold up, young lady. What seems to be the problem?”

I started to snap at her, but the words fell short of leaving my mouth. Instead, I plopped down on the couch and started crying. Mom sat down next to me and rubbed my back, patiently waiting for me to calm down.

“Do you remember how I told you I was the front runner for valedictorian?”

“Yeah. Did you not get it?”

“No. The other girl, along with her friends, started a rumor that they saw me making out with another girl at the movies Sunday trying to discredit me.”

“Well, that’s impossible. You were here all day. Besides, who in their right mind would believe that?”

“Everybody! The whole school. Even Jenna believes it. I had to go see Father Paulson who almost disqualified me from candidacy.”

“Oh, baby, no wonder you’re shaking. You need me to call Father Paulson and straighten things out?”

 “No, I took care of it.”

“Well, there you go. You just have until the end of the week and then you are off to college. You won’t have to see any of those people again.”

“Yeah, but Jenna, I can’t lose Jenna.”

“Honey, there’s nothing you can do about that. Friends come and go. Jenna is being silly if she’s letting this rumor destroy your friendship.”

“It’s more complicated than that, mom,” I tell her through tear-stained eyes as I shifted in my seat to look her in the eyes. “Mom, they lied about catching me making out with a girl. What they didn’t know….” I choked up. It was hard to get out. “What they didn’t know is that I am gay, and Jenna is a little more than just a friend.”

My mother went slack-jaw and pale. She stopped comforting me and stood up. One hand went over her heart and the other her stomach as her back arched forward a little.

“Mom?”

Her eyes darted over to me like she forgot I was there.

“I think I need to sit down,” she said, so I got up and eased her back down on the couch.

“Talk to me mom, please,” I begged her.

I felt so hollow sitting there waiting for her to respond. I knew she needed a minute to digest this information, but seconds seemed like hours as we sat there. Finally, she said, “You’re the same girl I have loved since the day you were born. There is nothing that is going to change that.”

The relief that coursed through my veins was overwhelming. I threw myself on her and wrapped my arms around her neck so tight she couldn’t breathe. “What about dad,” I asked.

“Let me take care of your father. Who else knows?”

“Right now, just me, you, and Jenna. I’ve been so worried about how you and dad might react and what it might mean for my future that I’ve been keeping it a secret for years now. Jenna wants to come out, put an end to the rumors, and move on with our lives.”

Mom nodded her head with a blank stare in her eyes. “Maybe you should. Let me tell your father first, but you are starting a new chapter in your life. You might as well start it off as who you really are.”

Her words made me so happy that the tears began to flow again. I grabbed my cell to call Jenna and let her know, but she would not answer. I thought about texting her, but the news was too big, too exciting for a text, so I jumped in my car and drove over to her place. Her mom answered the door and told me that Jenna wasn’t accepting visitors, meaning Jenna wasn’t talking to me. I’d have to wait and catch her at school.

Jenna didn’t finish out the week at school. The last week of senior year is pretty pointless anyway. I saw that she was at graduation and was going to make sure to force her to talk to me before the night was over. I did end up receiving the honor of valedictorian despite all of Valerie’s efforts. I worked tirelessly to craft the perfect speech. When they announced me as valedictorian and I approached the podium, I was so proud and excited.

“Good evening parents, friends, esteemed faculty and administrators, and most of all, the graduating class of 1990.”

As I was taught in my public speaking class, I scanned the audience as I spoke. I inadvertently caught a glance of Jenna sitting there with her lips pursed and her eyebrows crossed. I lost my train of thought and went back to my notes. They didn’t sound right. The pride I felt was gone. Being up there didn’t feel right. I tossed the index cards aside.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Julie Anne Renner, and I am proud to be a gay woman.”

It felt exhilarating to announce that, but needless to say, the auditorium filled with gasps and a few cries of anger. I was immediately pulled from the podium and verbally assaulted by the administration. My parents and Jenna rushed to my side to defend me.

After graduation, Jenna and I spent the summer together with our parent's approval, which was a relief to us both. We headed off to college in the fall where we studied psychology and sociology respectively. After graduating college, we moved back home and lived our lives openly, driving to Massachusetts and marrying on June 28, 2004. Valerie Straatman sought to harm me, discredit me by spreading a rumor that wasn't true, but she ended up doing me a favor. She made me confront who I really was and step out of the shadows so I could live life free of the burden of living in secrecy.