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Fantasy Fiction Funny

Note: Lacking time this week I'm using an older story I submitted a while back.

Stewie and Nubert sat at the table drinking and eating as they are reminiscing about the old times. The one-time Stewie was almost cooked by a group of orcs but rescued by a group of adventures. Nubert remembered the time a tribe of kobolds made him king. It flattered him to be given the title until he found out he was to be sacrificed. Just like Stewie, he was rescued, and it was by James, the great adventurer, who nabbed him from his fate.

“He is the greatest man to ever live,” said Nubert in complete awe.

“I wish I could be like him,” said Stewie, with dreamy eyes.

The two sat there in silence, putting themselves in the role of the mighty James. Thoughts of Stewie going and defeating the giant troll under the bridge and Nubert climbing the highest mountain to wrestle the snow beast, and making it submit.

“Have you ever dipped dragon meat in butter?” Nubert asked, breaking the silence, and bringing Stewie back to reality.

“Can’t say I have,” replied Stewie, thinking the question was strange to ask. “And I don’t plan on going up to a dragon and asking him or her if I can dip a part of them in butter either.”

“You make sure the dragon is dead before you do such a thing,” Nubert said, looking at his friend, wondering if he had any sense.

“I don’t know anyplace that has a dead dragon,” said Stewie, scratching his head. “And I don’t plan on taking on a dragon.”

“I know of a place where you can find a large overweight dragon that you can easily take out,” a sweet-sounding feminine voice said behind them.

The two turned around and their mouths dropped open upon seeing the goddess. She had long, red, curly hair, brown eyes, pert nose, full lips, and a body to die for.

“Would you like to know where the lair is located or did you just want to sit here all day and salivate over my beauty?” she asked, looking a little annoyed.

“Can we do both?” asked Stewie, wiping the saliva off his grubby chin.

Nubert came out of his daze and slapped the back of Stewie’s head.

“Tell us where the lair is,” demanded Nubert trying to sound brave. “And if you know a way to kill the dragon.”

“There is a giant rock right above the entrance to the lair,” she told them. “One of you can be bait to lure the dragon out and when it pokes it head out you drop the rock on its head, and that will surely kill the beast.”

Stewie and Nubert looked at each other, and a grin appeared on their faces. Then they looked back at the beautiful woman.

“That is a great idea!” exclaimed Nubert with glee.

“Can we get married?” asked Stewie, receiving another slap to the back of his head.

“Where do we go?” asked Nubert.

“Head north until you come to an enormous oak tree with carvings of a knight fighting a dragon on the trunk. Then head straight west and you will eventually come to the lair. Shouldn’t take you long once you reach the oak tree.”

“Thank you, beautiful one,” said Nubert.

“You must join us once the meal is prepared,” said Stewie.

“Dragon meat dipped in butter?” she pondered. “Never tried it but tell you what. Once you kill the dragon, bring some meat here and the three of us will celebrate all night long.”

Stewie giggled hysterically, while Nubert blushed a bright red.

The woman left, and soon after the two rode toward the lair, full of anticipation to have dragon meat with a lovely looking woman.

“Not only are we going to have a scrumptious meal, but we can call ourselves the mighty dragon-slayers,” said Nubert.

Stewie started clapping his hands with glee, jumping up and down on the horse, but suddenly stopped when he almost fell off.

They came to the oak tree, and after some searching, they found the carvings.

“The knight fighting the dragon almost looks like me,” said Nubert checking out the carving.

“The knight looks taller and more muscular,” observed Stewie.

Nubert turned to him and punched him in the arm.

“Ow!” exclaimed Stewie. “I was just trying to be truthful.”

“Don’t try,” said Nubert, getting back onto his horse. “Let’s go.”

Stewie, after a couple of attempts, got back onto his horse and the two headed toward the lair.

“When we get there, I will go on top of the lair and drop the rock,” said Nubert. “You need to lure the dragon out.”

“How?”

“Sound like a chicken. Wait! That is too small. Sound like a pig or better yet, a cow.”

“Okay.”

They soon arrived at the lair, which had a putrid smell, and the two went and positioned themselves. Nubert found a large stick by the boulder, making it quite convenient to push the large rock. He then gave Stewie the thumbs up to make his animal sounds.

“Oink! Oink!” Stewie started calling out. “Moo! Moo!”

“Keep it to one animal!” Nubert yelled out to him.

“Oink! Oink!”

Next moment, there were the sounds of heavy steps, and minutes later an ancient dragon that was quite overweight poked its head out of the lair.

“Now!” cried out Stewie.

Nubert pushed the rock, and it came tumbling down, landing on top of the dragon’s head. Stewie and Nubert just stood there as the rock rested on the dragon’s head. A moment later, the rock cracked in half and fell to the dragon’s feet. They could see the dragon was not incredibly pleased, now having a terrible headache.

“Oh, oh,” they both said.

Sometime later, out in the middle of the field, stood James, the mighty adventurer, the beautiful red-haired lady, and the old dragon.

“Here is the gift,” the dragon spoke in a deep voice.

The dragon dropped a small velvety box into James’ hands. James opened the box and took out a ring with an enormous diamond. He then bent down in front of the fair lady.

“Will you marry me?” he asked her.

“I will,” she said, tears in her eyes.

The two then embraced, then a long, passionate kiss.

“Will, I must go,” the dragon said. “Thank you for bringing a tasty treat to an old fossil. They were quite good dipped in butter.”

“You are welcome,” said James.

“I have plenty of more gifts,” the dragon said. “Just keep on bringing them.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

The dragon slowly got its giant bulk into the air and flew off. 

“I feel kind of bad getting this ring with the cost of two men’s lives,” the lovely lady spoke.

“Don’t be,” said James. “I saved them many times, so they were bound to meet their fate one day. I just helped bring the fateful day, and now look at this wondrous gift I’m able to give my lovely bride.”

She looked down at the ring, then back at James with a smile. “Very true,” she said, and embraced him once again. “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” he said.

They clasped hands and started walking through the tulip field with a skip here and a skip there. Life is sweet for the ones in love.

July 01, 2021 23:21

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11 comments

Moon Fox
21:02 Jul 18, 2021

Weird twist! great story :)

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15:10 Jul 16, 2021

This story was so funny! I loved the twist at the end!

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Corey Melin
19:26 Jul 16, 2021

Thank you for the comments!

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00:03 Jul 17, 2021

You're totally welcome!

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Melody Frost
01:22 Jul 03, 2021

I enjoyed reading the story.

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Corey Melin
14:39 Jul 03, 2021

Thank you!

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Melody Frost
05:22 Jul 04, 2021

Your welcome

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Kristin Neubauer
19:59 Jul 02, 2021

I always love seeing Stewie and Nubert stories - they're such fun against the different setting you place them in. I like the medieval choice for this one. And funny twist to have them eaten up by the dragon...I'm sure they are not gone forever. I hope not. This was a bright spot in my day!

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Corey Melin
20:10 Jul 02, 2021

Definitely long from being gone. Glad you enjoyed it

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Kimber Harps
16:54 Jul 02, 2021

Ooooo! That was sneaky! Incredibly good job! I did expect the dragon not to be killed, but I didn't think that James and the dragon would be in on it with the girl. Nice twist!

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Corey Melin
18:05 Jul 02, 2021

Thank you for the comments!

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