Murderer Monthly: Grim Gossip

The word on the street is that the West End Ripper, TheatreLand Thom, has lost his edge and turned to dealing stolen props and costumes behind the Oasis open-air swimming pool. Local prostitutes are deeply relieved. So, it would seem, is the ripper – the stench of chlorine is horrendous. Nearby residents say they have taken to wearing face masks or covering their mouths and noses with handkerchiefs when in the area. This has, of course, led to an increase in shop lifting and hold ups of convenience stores, since it is now difficult to identify anyone on CCTV. If you feel like getting any of your business taken care of in the immediate vicinity of the Oasis then now is undoubtedly the time, thanks to our Thom. Just don’t go for a dip, unless you want to steep yourself in his business.

On the subject of our less successful brethren, Devon based Rob Dier, was recently recruited and trained by the Top Dog Agency. The identity of Top Dog’s top man has, of course, been the best kept secret in the trade, until now. Sadly, for 48-year-old Stevie Smite, his name was released in the national press last week, when his body (and only his body) was found wrapped in plastic and dumped in the River Exe. Inside information, imparted to our editorial team here at Murderer Monthly, revealed the sad details of the occurrence. Dier took his training rather too seriously, and, in his final challenge to ‘hunt down’ Stevie Smite to secure his place on the Top Dog payroll, he did just that. Instead of simply finding and identifying the target, he followed him to his home and sneaked inside. As opposed to being awarded his Top Dog badge of honour for tracking and following his elusive quarry, he blew his secret boss’s head off with a grenade launcher and nicked his Rolex. Smite has been added to our Hall of Fame for most ironic death while Dier has been added in the One Hit Wonder category. Incidentally, there is a hefty price on his head (see our Open Opportunities section on page 9), and we don’t expect him to make it to the end of the week. Anyway - if anyone is looking for regular employment and is willing to take a few risks, check out both listings for the Top Dog Agency on our jobs pages.

Camellia the Karma Killer, much loved darling of the Hit world, has done it again. Of course it’s only a rumour, but there is reason to believe that she is singlehandedly responsible for taking out all four detestable Crusher brothers at the ‘Body Count’ industry gala last weekend. Chris collapsed face down in his chicken soup during the starters and couldn’t be resuscitated no matter how much other guests gathered round and stomped on his chest. Clark took a deadly tumble off the fifth-floor balcony during the speeches. Some might consider his exit timely. Some may go so far as to say they are envious that he managed to find such a cunning way to avoid 45 minutes of Mafia Boss Stan the Slayer Silva waxing lyrical about the latest additions to his personal collection of garrotting wires. Charles was found hanging from the banister of the feature staircase just before the band started playing. The Gun Men refused to cut their most popular song Let Him Swing out of respect - no one seemed to mind. Cole was discovered after the event, in multiple pieces, inside a suitcase deposited at the cloakroom by person or persons unknown. The presence of several delicate pink flowers on the dismembered body may have given the game away. With the hateful Crusher family effectively decapitated from every angle, there is now a gap in the market for hired killers specialising in vice and hammer mill techniques, if anyone is looking to fill that particular niche.

Of course, it’s not just the professionals who've been hard at work this month. We must also pay our regular homage to the unskilled amateurs who just happened to pull off the ultimate crime. Whether or not they are prosecuted later down the line will be discussed in our news updates as the facts become available. For now, suffice it to say that there have been three known victims unearthed in the last four weeks. . .

Right-wing candidate Conner Servative seems to have been bumped off during a crime of passion on Valentine’s Day – his now not-so-secret lover, well known socialist Lefty Commune called the police to her Manchester home at 9.14pm to report a prowler. By the time an officer arrived at 9.57 the house and garden were empty, but the adjoining council-owned playground had become a macabre scene indeed. Conner’s head was rolling around at the bottom of the slide with party-political fliers stuffed in his mouth and throat. His body was strapped to one end of the seesaw. Lefty’s hands and feet were bound and she was gagged and gutted before being tied to the other. With their various parts removed, the seesaw itself appeared perfectly level, with neither politician dragging in the mud – some might say that this is a rarity in today’s political landscape. Others might say that it is unsurprising that for any kind of political balance to be displayed, both sides have to be dead first. Mr Servative’s wife is being held for questioning – some of his professional skills have obviously rubbed off on her, since she hasn’t given a single straight answer yet.

The third victim taken by an untrained layman this month was wannabe porn star Busty Babs. She met a nasty end on the set of an amateur adult movie when her male counterpart, Dick Plunger - playing the stereotypical repair man - turned out to be the unfortunate kid she’d bullied in high school. He couldn’t contain his rage and beat her death with his enormous tool before trying to hide the evidence in the oversized front loading HotPoint prop. Even if it hadn’t been for the presence of a (somewhat disinterested) film crew providing eyewitness testimony, the whole thing was caught on camera, so whatever Plunger testifies in court, it will all come out in the wash. 

Going back to the theme of props for a moment, I did mention at the top of the piece that Theatreland Thom has been half inching stuff from stage shows and hawking it in dark alleyways. Quite a profitable venture when you hear that a genuine set of Macavity’s claws from Cats will fetch upwards of five grand. No one quite knows who was responsible for depositing the pantomime Dobin head on Stan the Slayer Silva’s pillow at the end of the festive season, but I’m guessing someone who; A) is too fond of real animals to be in this game, and B) couldn’t afford a War Horse puppet. Maybe they should have stuck to feline paraphernalia and tried to obtain a full set of nine lives, since ‘The Family’ are sending the boyz round checking for any indications of who did it. Stan’s list of enemies is as long and distinguished as Dick Plunger’s tool, but, unlike Dick, Stan has the police in his pocket, not just a collection of fruit flavoured condoms. 

Another geezer to come a cropper as the result of Thom’s recent activities was Frankie Fingers Finnegan. Having no sense of smell to speak of, he took a regretful midnight dip in the open-air pool. It was just an hour before he had to appear on stage to present the Fagin Trophy for Best Pick Pocket to Terry Tealeaf at the Sneaks Thieves Embezzlers And Lifters (STEAL) Awards. Some joker took the opportunity to pinch Frankie’s towel and tuxedo and replace them with a Widow Twankey costume. I interviewed him at the after party and he explained that he pulled on the garish dress, outlandish wig and striped tights and went ahead with the gig anyway. He felt he could use the cash and assumed that he could just laugh along with the audience. To Frankie’s distress, no one laughed. He thought they didn’t recognise him, but was later told that no one had noticed the difference - he still stank. He has since fired his stylist (with a heavy-duty flame thrower).

That's all from me for this month, don't forget that in the next issue we have a special offer on poisons, pills, and potions for the personable predator. We will also be announcing our annual song contest "A Cappella Killer". Renamed and relaunched for this year following last year's terrible tragedy. Hopefully the ban on musical accompaniment will mean that entrants are less likely to try bumping off the competition in the interval. After all, if you haven't got a pair of cymbals it is harder to squash someone's head, and if you haven't got a set of bagpipes people are less likely to want to take you out in the first place.