Dick and Jane

Dick, on the way home from the fair:

“Did you all have a good time at the fair,” mom asks.

“Sure did, mom! I met up with Brandon, Robby, and Shane and we went on every ride twice! My favorite was the …,” Eddie, Dick’s sugar and caffeine induce little brother began.

“What mom really wants to know is, who is she, Dick” Veronica, Dicks older sister asks, teasingly.

“Who’s who, Dick,” Eddie asks, confused as to why he would be cut off for such a reason.

“Yeah, Dickie, what’s her name,” mom asks, turning around in the front seat to give her son her full intention.

“I can’t say it.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re all going to act stupid over something that is nothing,” Dick says with a roll of the eyes.

“Nonsense, son, you’re thirteen now. Your hormones are thriving…,” Dick's dad says as he drives the car.

“Oh, dear god,” Dick says as he covers his face. Veronica punches him on the shoulder and laughs.

“…It’s ok to be attracted to the opposite sex. I used to be quite the lady’s man in my day,” dad continues.

“He was. Your father was quite the looker. Did I ever tell you the time…,” mom began.

“Her name’s Jane!”

“Oh, Jane, what a pretty name for such a pretty girl,” mom says.

“Dickie and Jane, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…,” Veronica and Eddie begin to sing.

“That’s enough you two. It’s his first girlfriend. It’s special. Oh, we should have her over for dinner,” mom declares.

“We should,” dad agrees. “We can barbeque around the pool. That will give you a chance to check out the hardware, son,” dad says with a hearty laugh.

“Jim! That’s your son’s girlfriend you’re talking about,” mom says.

“Gross dad,” says Veronica.

“What’s hardware,” asks Eddie.

“She’s not my girlfriend! She’s just some girl I know from school. I’m not inviting her over for dinner,” Dick says.

“But I saw you holding her hand, Dickie. Why else would you be holding her hand,” mom asks.

“I saw it too, Dick,” Veronica says.

“Okay, maybe we like each other, but not meet the parents like each other,” Dick tells them.

“Just think about it, Dickie. We would really like to meet her, and we won’t embarrass you. I promise,” mom says.

“It’s not going to happen. Just because I held hands with a girl doesn’t mean it’s serious enough to bring her home. It’s not like we have been on any dates or anything. If we had been dating for a while, I could see wanting to bring her home for dinner, but this is crazy. Can we just drop it?

Jane, on the way home from the fair:

“I saw you holding hands with that boy at the fair, Jane,” her mom says.

“You what,” her dad asks. “Who is this boy?”

“I can’t say it?”

“And why not,” mom asks.

“Because one, if not both of you, will track him down and make a big deal over nothing.”

“Nothing? No daughter of mine is going to be a slut,” dad says.

“A slut,” Jane rages at the accusation. “How am I a slut?"

“We give you a little bit of freedom at the fair to hang out with you friends and what do you do? You run off with some boy,” Mom rages back.

“Yeah, you know there are to be no boys as long as you live under our roof,” dad says.

“No, I didn’t know that! That’s insane! You guys have let Johnny run around with girls since he was younger than me,” Jane protests.

“It’s different for boys and girls. Do you want to get pregnant,” dad asks.

“You’re crazy! I just touched a boy’s hand. How do you expect me to get pregnant from that?”

“That’s how they get you, Janie. They come in all sweet and nice, then it’s the kissing and the rubbing, then they force themselves on you and you’re pregnant. Do they take responsibility – no! It’s the parents who have to swoop in and save the day. We’re just looking out for you,” mom says.

“Sounds like you’re looking out for you. ‘Keep Janie a virgin until she’s out of the house so we don’t have to pay for it.’ Well, you can’t keep me locked up to where I have no life for the next five years. I need some independence, socialize, form an identity that doesn’t include you two hovering over me.”

“Well, if we could trust you, but today showed us that we can’t,” dad says.

“And why should we have to pay for your mistakes,” mom asks.

“There won’t be any mistakes because nothing happened! Nothing is going to happen!”

“And nothing will happen, you understand me young lady? No boys,” dad exclaimed.

“You guys can’t do this to me. It’s not fair.”

“We can do it to you, we are doing it to you, and that’s the end of this discussion,” dad says as he flicks on the radio to drown out any other questions or comments.

Dick and Jane under locker 109:

“Hey, Dickie.”

“Hey, Jane. Why the long face,” Dick asks as he shuts his locker.

“I got grounded. My mom saw us at the fair. Thinks we’re a couple which violates the ‘no boys while living under our roof’' rule. They called me a slut and said I was going to get pregnant,” Jane says as she leans against Dick's locker.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My mom and sister saw us too. I got teased. They were ready to throw a parade in our honor and want you to come to dinner so they can meet you.”

“Uh, that figures. My parents let my older brother Johnny chase after girls since he hit puberty. I know he’s no virgin. I know they have to know too. Do they worry about him getting some girl pregnant – no.”

“Double standards, I know. It’s not fair. If parents only knew their kids.”

“Totally. Anyway, thanks for slipping me that coke at the fair."