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30th September 2023
Dear Mr. Spada
Thank you for your letter dated 25th September 2023. On behalf of my esteemed company, we are disappointed to hear about your unfortunate experience with our premier merchandise. We take all feedback from our customers with the utmost importance and seriousness. Any complaints are handled with prompt attention and confidential care, with the knowledge that any customer dissatisfaction with our premium product tarnishes our company’s mandate. Nonetheless, we are at a loss for words to comprehend how our product perished under the circumstances described in your correspondence.
Our products are guaranteed to withstand extreme amounts of physical pressure, or reasonable wear and tear. We uphold the company ethos for all our products, to use the best materials available. For example, in the manufacture of our stellar line of living lookalike products the latex material used is not synthetic, we purchase the raw material directly from the tree farmers of Brazil and always use the best latex from the Hevea Brasiliensis trees. The latex rubber is mixed with other materials like silicone, TPE (thermoplastic elastomer), to replicate a lifelike image and feel. These materials are chosen for their durability and realistic texture, enhancing the overall experience of our valued customers.
Selecting the finest materials for the product is only the start of our company crusade for the benefit of our customers. In the preproduction phase we test all the products vigorously. Inflatable tests, altitude tests, both high altitude and below sea level environments. All these tests are conducted in controlled environments as we test for the longevity and durability of the product with strenuous stress tests, fiction tests, and leakage tests.
Using the finest of materials, and the continued strenuous testing has guaranteed that cases of customer dissatisfaction like yours are rare. Therefore, your written complaint has received the highest level of attention.
To call out the emergency services, and subsequently to be taken to hospital as a result of using our product Flirty Rabbit is incomprehensible. Nonetheless, we are making immediate investigations into this matter, to maintain our product guarantee and our integrity of service to you as the injured party, as well as protecting all our customers.
We would like you to provide us with some answers to understand the circumstances of your calamitous incident with our product. We would appreciate your reply to these questions with a written reply.
1) Did you read the instructions booklet when unpacking the merchandise received on delivery, and was there any visible evidence of damage or interference with the box and/or the packing?
2) When unpacking the product, and the installation, did you use the recommended inflatable equipment to render the product in the correct prescribed manner as per the recommended instructions booklet?
3) Other than the recommended inflatable equipment, was any other equipment used in the readiness of the product?
4) When the product was fully inflated, were the prescribed touch tests performed on the product, based on the instruction booklet?
5) Did you hear any evidence of air escaping or being released abnormally from the partially or fully inflated product?
6) When the product was fully inflated, how long in time duration before the product was used or was there any evidence of mistreatment or reckless handling of the product before its use?
7) Based on your letter of complaint, the product had a catastrophic failure during coitus or copulation. Were you wearing any aggressive or sharp-edged clothing during your copulation with the product?
8) During the copulation were any sharp objects used by yourself or another person? Or were there any sharp objects in the surrounding area of usage? Note: We assume that the surrounding environment of your act of copulation was at a nonindustrial site or location. In a safe surrounding environment.
It would assist our investigation if you could ask the hospital establishment if they could return the surgically removed product Flirty Rabbit, or the material that remained attached to your body, after the fire service completed their compulsory checks at your premises, and before the ambulance took you to hospital. For example, any parts of the product that were attached to the ceiling, floor or surrounding items of furniture after the explosion. We want to examine what is left of the product Flirty Rabbit after this incomprehensible accident.
Until our thorough investigation is complete, we cannot accept responsibility for the malfunction of our product. We want to make sure the assembly of the product was based on the guidelines of our instruction booklet, and the inflatable apparatus was to the recommended standard.
In terms of the usage of the product, we want to make sure that there were no abusive or malicious acts of sabotage prior to the act coitus, and that the surrounding environment was user friendly. For example, no sharp objects or utensils in the vicinity of our product.
If all the guidelines were adhered to, and the surrounding environment was safe, we will stand by our product guarantee, and you will be compensated with a complete refund.
In terms of the emergency services compensation, and subsequent costs of hospital, again we need to determine that your usage of our product was within our guidelines. This is the first time that our product Flirty Rabbit has explored during usage, and a complete thorough and comprehensive investigation will be undertaken before a conclusion of this case can be made on the root cause of the explosion.
In the meantime, we have enclosed our latest brochure, and you will be pleasantly surprised that our range of products has expanded this season with the addition of a new model named Honey Bunny 2, which has additional features which will interest you. We have enhanced our product range and now include the latest technology of AI speech recognition and response intelligence, which enriches the product experience with a range of celebrity voice settings, and automated AI responses to create a new and novel holistic experience.
We suggest you go to our website and read some of the rave reviews received on the use of our new product; Honey Bunny 2.
We close this communication and response to underline our commitment to be the number one company for adult toys, with our motto and guarantee for an intimate customer satisfaction experience. We will not rest until your complaint and this matter is resolved.
Yours truly
Jason Coupling
Customer Experience Director
FlirtyRabbit.com
The Rabbit Hole,
Warren Farm,
Doeford,
Buckinghamshire,
Ispana.
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